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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How reasonable is it...

98 replies

LoadsOfShite · 13/08/2021 08:16

For a step parent to only really sort the care for their own DC?

So say Sarah is married to Ben. Ben has three children with Jill his ex and has one child with his now wife.

Ben is a bit useless and never does things like changes the children's sheets, has clothes for them at his house, gets them to bathe regularly when there, ad-hoc brushing of teeth etc... Ben has his children 3 nights a week.

Sarah does all of the above for her child reliably, bath time every night, teeth brushed, sheets changed, new clothes all the time, room tidied etc...

Is it reasonable for Jill to be annoyed that Sarah, whilst doing this for her child with Ben, doesn't get involved in making sure it happens for his other children?

OP posts:

Winemewhynot · 13/08/2021 09:23

Oh sorry just seen the ages! Deffo old enough to take care of personal hygiene. The mum needs to butt out.

Original poster

LoadsOfShite · 13/08/2021 09:24

I think the idea with the sheets is that Ben should strip them and put them in the basket / put them back on the beds.

OP posts:

burnoutbabe · 13/08/2021 09:24

The bed thing why isn't it just the rule they beds stripped at end of stay (or every other stay) and dad puts into wash. It's hardly a huge chore. Clean sheets left on bed for kids /dad to put on next time.

Original poster

LoadsOfShite · 13/08/2021 09:25

@Winemewhynot

Oh sorry just seen the ages! Deffo old enough to take care of personal hygiene. The mum needs to butt out.

Old enough to do it themselves but not without a lot of prompting.

OP posts:

QuestionableDanceMoves · 13/08/2021 09:33

The older 2 shouldn’t need prompting to have a wash or brush their teeth, that should be a well established part of their daily routine. If it isn’t then Jill and Ben ought to be ensuring it is.
The 7 year old probably would need a bit of a nudge, I know mine did at that age.
Ben sounds like a lazy sod, Jill should direct her annoyance at him. However, Jill also needs to accept that things will be different at Ben’s house to her I.e. washing needing to be in the basket in order to get washed.

Dragon50 · 13/08/2021 09:34

@UserStillatLarge

Why is Jill so insistent that Sarah is in the wrong?

Is she also blaming Ben (not clear from the post)?

Whilst I agree that Ben is responsible, I think it's pretty shitty for Sarah to see that her DSC are sleeping in dirty sheets; wearing dirty clothes; not washing or brushing their teeth; and not doing anything about it because her own child is ok.

Oh I agree that Sarah isn’t the greatest, why anyone would accept that I don’t know. Dad has clearly showed he doesn’t care or love his DC enough to ensure their care so why she’s had a child with him I don’t know.

However from Jill’s perspective Sarah is irrelevant. Dad has standards so low that he has outsourced his responsibility to Sarah and doesn’t care that his DC are suffering because of that.

Disrespected · 13/08/2021 09:40

Not read all.

A. Jill shouldn't be sending clothes etc. Ben should be supplying for all 3.
B. Ben should be actively looking after them.
C. Sarah needs to stand up for herself if she's not happy about the situation.
D. The person who said contact SS. This wouldn't go anywhere. When dh got his cao for his dc. His ex tried to stipulate that even though we lived together and married the dc wernt to be looked after by me. No reason etc. The judge said what dh does with his time is his choice. Likewise with the dm. The judges words were if dh wanted to get the next door neighbours aunt or a family member to care for them in his time that's his choice as long as they were cared for properly.

Dragon50 · 13/08/2021 09:41

Re the DC and their self care, most parents don’t shrug their shoulders and walk away.

They show, encourage and remind them to do it. Usually repeatedly. For years.

All Ben has to do is say ‘have you got clean sheets? Ok strip your bed and put them in the laundry for me/Sarah to wash.

Then. Have you put it in the laundry? You haven’t stripped it?
Ok come on, let me show you.’

That is normal and responsible parenting.

Instead this is being viewed as the DC aren’t doing it because mum (who isn’t even there) is soft, Sarah is out of order for just washing what’s in the basket.

Merryoldgoat · 13/08/2021 09:42

My son is 8 and has ASD. He showers himself (we say ‘time for your shower’ and he goes) puts his dirty laundry in colour sorted baskets without any issue.

At those ages the children can certainly deal with putting clothes in laundry and shower themselves with a little supervision and Ben and Jill should work to ensure the children can be independent.

Disrespected · 13/08/2021 09:43

Fwiw. Obviously he doesn't.
I have dsc whilst he works. I don't mind at all I treat the same as our own dcs.
Either of us bath them all whether that's me doing it Inc his dc.
I do however do all washing and clothing as I can't stand anyone doing the laundry as I bizzarely love it.

Disrespected · 13/08/2021 09:44

At their ages they should all be able to do teeth and bath themselves too. Maybe 7 years old need a prompt.
My now teen bathed himself from then. But did, and still does need nagging to do teeth!

OaxacaChihuahua · 13/08/2021 09:45

Jill should be annoyed at Ben, not Sarah, for failing to look after his kids.

Sarah should reconsider whether she actually wants to be in a relationship with a turd who neglects his own children.

If nobody is providing for the children’s care at Ben and Sarah’s house, they should stop being selfish and reduce overnight contact to prioritise the children’s welfare. It’s absolutely unacceptable for children to be neglected due to the pettiness and rivalry of adults who ought to be loving and caring for them.

Lavender24 · 13/08/2021 09:50

Ben should definitely be doing it. Childcare always gets dumped on the woman even when it's not their children. At the end of the day they're there to see their Dad, not Sarah so he should be caring for them.

Original poster

LoadsOfShite · 13/08/2021 09:51

@Disrespected

At their ages they should all be able to do teeth and bath themselves too. Maybe 7 years old need a prompt. My now teen bathed himself from then. But did, and still does need nagging to do teeth!

Yes, it's a case of needing to be nagged to do it. I think Sarah just ignores it if Ben doesn't nag them to do it. She doesn't go round nagging them all to brush their teeth and bath themselves so if Ben doesn't then they don't. She has an evening routine with her own child for a bath etc.. but they are 3 of course so slightly different.

OP posts:

PJday41 · 13/08/2021 09:55

Ben is a twat and I can see why Jill left him.

Steppered · 13/08/2021 10:07

I reckon this is all very deliberate on Ben's part. He just wants to be fun dad. Which puts Sarah in a very awkward position. She probably does care about the children cleaning their teeth and having clean clothes, but by Ben being useless, she is either forced into the position of chief nag "have you brushed your teeth? Have you done your homework?", whilst cooking, cleaning and micromanaging everything else. This would cause her to feel incredibly resentful (understandably!) and also makes things tense with her stepkids who feel that she is a nag asking them to do this, when she isn't even their mum! It is very hard being a stepmum sometimes and makes building a relationship with the kids harder if you're pushed into leading all the associated chores and discipline.

Or Sarah can detach for her own sanity, it is often a last resort for many stepmums who are just burnt out with all the wife work. Asking a full grown man to ensure his kids are in clean bedding every week for 4 years really gets pretty wearing. Making a nice healthy meal while fun Dad sits there pulling faces and dicking around is no fun. Fun Dad usually comes from a place of guilt. Sometimes this can be resolved; but if he was like this with Jill then it's unlikely.

Ben should be totally stepping up and leading with his kids. Sarah will probably respond in kind when she realises she is is an actual partnership, not living with 5 kids.

Livinghereinallentown · 13/08/2021 10:07

As a step mother myself I wouldn’t have dreamt of caring for my own child and leaving the step child dirty and uncared for.

That said, I didn’t marry a lazy man-child who needs a kick up the arse.

If Ben or his wife are not caring for these three children, then they shouldn’t be going and staying with them.

Tapasvapas · 13/08/2021 10:15

Surprise surprise doesn’t sound like Ben does anything with their joint child as well. Seems like he’s a getting a free pass from everywhere

CheeseyMcCheeseface · 13/08/2021 10:18

Both women are playing into the hands of the patriarchy.

Original poster

LoadsOfShite · 13/08/2021 10:37

@CheeseyMcCheeseface

Both women are playing into the hands of the patriarchy.

Agree.

OP posts:

DeflatedGinDrinker · 13/08/2021 10:58

Nope Ben should be doing it. If their own dad cannot look after them properly don't send them. Its not the new gfs problem its between you 2. I look after my boys I'm not bathing, changing beds and all the rest of it for my partners kids. They are his kids I wouldn't expect him or need him to do that for mine.

Sh05 · 13/08/2021 11:47

I don't get why she's responsible for things like teeth brushing, they're old enough to do that themselves. Even dumping worn clothes in the laundry basket.
Have they been babyed to the extent that they don't even maintain their own basic hygiene.
The mum is taking out her anger at the wrong person.
Maybe both parents need to sit down with the children and go through what's expected of them in each household.

catfunk · 13/08/2021 11:48

I think the blame here lies with Ben. Why isn't he taking care of his children?

Hercisback · 13/08/2021 11:49

Jill should be annoyed with Ben, he's the one in the wrong.
Sarah is raising her children as she wants to.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/08/2021 11:53

Jill put up with him being useless so long she managed to make 3 children with him. She should be annoyed at herself. She also accepted his level of care when he was single.

Expecting Sarah, who isn’t these DC’s parent to fill his role is ridiculous.

No step parent should care more than the actual parents.

Jill needs to have a word with herself. Sarah needs to leave. Ben should be sterilised.

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