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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How reasonable is it...

98 replies

LoadsOfShite · 13/08/2021 08:16

For a step parent to only really sort the care for their own DC?

So say Sarah is married to Ben. Ben has three children with Jill his ex and has one child with his now wife.

Ben is a bit useless and never does things like changes the children's sheets, has clothes for them at his house, gets them to bathe regularly when there, ad-hoc brushing of teeth etc... Ben has his children 3 nights a week.

Sarah does all of the above for her child reliably, bath time every night, teeth brushed, sheets changed, new clothes all the time, room tidied etc...

Is it reasonable for Jill to be annoyed that Sarah, whilst doing this for her child with Ben, doesn't get involved in making sure it happens for his other children?

OP posts:

over2021 · 13/08/2021 08:52

I'm not a step parent but if I were Sarah I like to think I'd care for my stepchildren the same way I did for my bio child.

My DH was a child in your scenario and never felt part of his dad's family because his stepmom made a point of saying everything was his dad's responsibility (inviting him to anything as an example) and his dad was pretty shit (as I'm realising a lot of dad's are!)

So yes, if I were Jill I'd be upset.

over2021 · 13/08/2021 08:53

@LoadsOfShite

Sarah does cook and wash. But only what is brought to the basket, so she doesn't go and collect dirty clothes or bedsheets for the step children. They often end up taking the clothes back home with them to Jill.

How old are stepchildren/bio child?

Stompythedinosaur · 13/08/2021 08:54

Ben is clearly to blame as he should be raking care of his dc.

Sarah is being a bit of a shit too though - I would expect any adult to act if they saw dc not being cared for properly (not necessarily by picking up the extra work, but she should be addressing it with her husband).

UserStillatLarge · 13/08/2021 08:54

I don't think Sarah should have married someone with young children if she wasn't prepared to help out with them. And I do mean "help out" - absolutely they should remain their dad's responsibility. I'm not sure the young children see it that way though - they probably just see an adult they are forced to spend a lot of time with not making much of an effort with them.

Stompythedinosaur · 13/08/2021 08:54

I think only washing what is in the basket is reasonable, assuming the sc aren't tiny.

vivainsomnia · 13/08/2021 08:55

It depends on the set-up. If Sarah became a SAHM and the expectation is that she will remain so or work half time, on the understanding that she picks up more of a share of the home chores, than I don't think it's unreasonable that she should help with his children.

If finances are separate, Sarah works FT too, then it is much more fair that he should take on all the tasks specific to his own kids.

Original poster

LoadsOfShite · 13/08/2021 08:57

7, 9 and 11 and Sarah's child is 3.

OP posts:

UserStillatLarge · 13/08/2021 08:58

@Stompythedinosaur

I think only washing what is in the basket is reasonable, assuming the sc aren't tiny.

and also assuming they've been told that they can put clothes in the basket and they'll get washed. They may well feel that they can't (or don't know that that's the house system if their mum picks up dirty clothes for them at home).

Original poster

LoadsOfShite · 13/08/2021 08:59

Actually the youngest may be 8 now. I'm not 100% on the SCs ages but that's roughly.

OP posts:

SchrodingersImmigrant · 13/08/2021 09:01

Ben must be bloody amazing in bed Don't see why else would someone keep him let alone had a child with him.

Ben needs tp take care of his kids

Dragon50 · 13/08/2021 09:01

@LoadsOfShite

If the DSC are not doing this due to youth, feeling awkward or whatever then it’s Ben’s responsibility to make sure the dirty clothes are in the basket.

It’s Ben’s responsibility to care for his children and if Sarah cannot or won’t then it’s up to him that they are looked after.

Why is Jill so insistent that Sarah is in the wrong?

UserStillatLarge · 13/08/2021 09:03

I think Sarah is BU to have had another child with Ben after seeing how well he didn't look after his other children.

We've probably had a thread from her bemoaning that she has a lively 3 year old to run after but her DH still expects her to look after her 3 DSC when they stay for 3 days a week. And MN has probably advised her to do nothing with the DSC and get her DH to step up.

Knittingupastorm · 13/08/2021 09:03

@LoadsOfShite

7, 9 and 11 and Sarah's child is 3.

Some of the things you’ve mentioned, like teeth brushing and bathing, why do the older children need so much parental management of it? Sarah shouldn’t have to be in charge of nagging an 11 year old to brush their teeth. And they’re definitely old enough to put clothes in the laundry basket.

UserStillatLarge · 13/08/2021 09:05

Why is Jill so insistent that Sarah is in the wrong?

Is she also blaming Ben (not clear from the post)?

Whilst I agree that Ben is responsible, I think it's pretty shitty for Sarah to see that her DSC are sleeping in dirty sheets; wearing dirty clothes; not washing or brushing their teeth; and not doing anything about it because her own child is ok.

EL8888 · 13/08/2021 09:09

Ben is definitely a dick. I’m now quite convinced Jill is as well. She thinks Sarah needs to live in the same way to her l assume, running round after her children 24/7. None of Jill’s business how Sarah lives, Sarah and Ben don’t live with Jill. Why should Jill be scurrying around playing hunt the dirty washing

Original poster

LoadsOfShite · 13/08/2021 09:11

To be totally honest, I do believe Jill babies the older children a bit too much so then gets annoyed when Ben (or Sarah) don't do the same.

I think there probably is an element of this, that Sarah the way to get Ben to step up is to not do anything other than for her child.

OP posts:

funinthesun19 · 13/08/2021 09:15

Jill is firing her anger at the wrong person. She should be telling Ben to get off his arse and do it.

I wonder if Jill would be so comfortable with him doing nothing if he lived alone? She seems quite happy to assume Sarah will just do it instead. What if Sarah decides enough is enough and leaves?

If I was Sarah I’d do the basics to make sure the child is fed, watered, has clean clothes, clean hair etc… but honestly I can feel Sarah’s frustration at both parents for allowing her to be in this position.
She certainly shouldn’t be doing things like hobby runs, homework, tidying the children’s bedrooms, even school runs if they’re at different schools to her own dc or if her dc haven’t started yet. At best, Sarah should do the very basics and that’s it. Anything else is just taking the piss.

ĎeathStare · 13/08/2021 09:18

So Sarah has a useless husband, Ben, who leaves her to do all the work for their joint child. She is no doubt exhausted. Meanwhile Ben does naff all for his own kids, and their mother is pissed off that Sarah doesn't step up and take this on as well?

No this is absolutely not reasonable.

Ben needs to take care of his kids. If Jill is concerned he isn't doing this she needs to take measures to limit contact, not foist that responsibility onto someone else.

Ponoka7 · 13/08/2021 09:18

This is all on Ben imo. I'm having these debates with my DD because her useless ex is starting to have his children overnight.
The children's Mum needs to explore why they aren't putting clothes etc in the basket and help them with that. However basics like teeth brushing, Sarah should be reminding them. She's been in their lives for long enough and has their half sibling, so there should be a level of caring towards the children. They are both guilty of neglect and one day the adult children will throw that at her. Two of the children are old enough to see to themselves re clean clothes.
We are giving my DD's ex a few more chances over the summer holidays and if no improvement, then overnights stop.

Knittingupastorm · 13/08/2021 09:19

The laundry thing just sounds like a difference in how two households do things.
When I was growing up, the rule was (from quite young) that if it wasn’t in the laundry basket, it didn’t get washed. If I went to my mum and complained something wasn’t clean, she’d just shrug and say it wasn’t in the laundry basket, not my problem.
Sarah is not wrong to have this rule for children of those ages, the children just have no incentive to remember to follow it because they can just take the clothes home to Jill. Perhaps a little harsh for the sheets, because I think children need more prompting to change them, rather than expecting them to strip their own beds at an acceptable frequency.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 13/08/2021 09:20

Ben is a twat and I bet my last rolo that Sarah has had enough of him expecting her to do everything for his children while he sits back and does fuck all.

Ponoka7 · 13/08/2021 09:21

"I do believe Jill babies the older children a bit too much so then gets annoyed when Ben (or Sarah) don't do the same."
I was wondering that. Children can learn that they might get away with one thing in their mother's house, but can't elsewhere. In most cases it's Nan's house that they get pampered in.

Winemewhynot · 13/08/2021 09:22

Nope it’s not the SMs place to do all the caregiving, they’re there for contact with the father.

But how old are the children? If there’s 3 and he’s been separated and remarried surely they must be old enough to know to brush their own teeth?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/08/2021 09:22

I never get why people have relationships with adults with existing children yet plan to not include them or do any care. All the children should be treated the same and their needs met by either adult.

LemonPeonies · 13/08/2021 09:23

It's the fqthers children, his responsibility. Step parents get blamed for everything .

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