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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How reasonable is it...

98 replies

LoadsOfShite · 13/08/2021 08:16

For a step parent to only really sort the care for their own DC?

So say Sarah is married to Ben. Ben has three children with Jill his ex and has one child with his now wife.

Ben is a bit useless and never does things like changes the children's sheets, has clothes for them at his house, gets them to bathe regularly when there, ad-hoc brushing of teeth etc... Ben has his children 3 nights a week.

Sarah does all of the above for her child reliably, bath time every night, teeth brushed, sheets changed, new clothes all the time, room tidied etc...

Is it reasonable for Jill to be annoyed that Sarah, whilst doing this for her child with Ben, doesn't get involved in making sure it happens for his other children?

OP posts:

AnneElliott · 13/08/2021 12:41

Ben is in the wrong - they are his kids and he needs to parent them. I'd be interested to know if Ben wanted the current set up - I'm suspicious that it reduces his maintenance.

Jill should be telling him to step up or she should reduce contact if he can't look after them properly.

I don't think Sarah is being great by neglecting the SC but I can understand why she might have got to that point if Ben has left her with all the work while he swans off. My advice to Sarah is not to have any more kids with him!

bitcheeky · 13/08/2021 12:48

Ben is useless. Feel sorry for Jill & Sarah

funinthesun19 · 13/08/2021 12:54

I wonder if Jill has actually tried to do something about it and tell him to get off his arse and parent his children.
Chances are she’s got the bar set very low for him because she knows what he’s like and has learned to accept it, and it’s far easier for her to stick her head in the sand about him and channel her anger and expectations at Sarah instead. It probably feels better to have a go at Sarah too.

itsgettingwierd · 13/08/2021 13:11

What's the work situation?

I'd Sarah a SAHP?

I don't thinks it's as simple as "they're his kids so they are his responsibility". If you marry someone with children you expect to take on some of that care.

If he WOH and she doesn't work I think expecting him to strip 3/4 of the kids beds isn't a balance. Yet if they both work FT then I think it should be split equal. 2 beds each. Or ask them to strip themselves once a week. Make a list of jobs to do etc.

If he's expected to do 3/4 of the child raising for nearly half the week then perhaps if Sarah doesn't work and he does then she could become the breadwinner and him a SAHP and care for his 3 and their 1?

I know it's always "dads kids - dads responsibility" but it's never that black and white.

And of course the days they are there will also make a difference to expectations of care. If it's all weekend when both home then split 50/50.

And is Sarah just refusing point blank to even remind them? So whilst eating breakfast just won't even say "brush your teeth when you're done" or "if you bring your clothes down I'll give them a wash"

Because if that's the situation she could also be being petty if for example Ben is at the supermarket at the time and not there to say it but shopping for the entire household.

The only thing that's black and white and I agree with is that Jill shouldn't be directing her anger at Sarah. It should be towards Ben who needs to have an adult conversation with his wife about equal split of household duties.

StormyTeacups · 13/08/2021 13:14

Of course Ben should, but part of being a daily is treating all the same. I couldn't chivvy one child to brush teeth, or give clean bedding to one child and ignore the others to fester.

Original poster

LoadsOfShite · 13/08/2021 19:11

I wonder if Jill has actually tried to do something about it and tell him to get off his arse and parent his children

It has been raised with him by Jill before.

OP posts:

Bellend101 · 13/08/2021 19:16

Jill has no business being annoyed with Sarah. Sarah is not their parent. Ben needs to stop being a lazy prick.

RandomMess · 13/08/2021 19:20

So if Sarah did all the nagging etc she would be the mean wicked stepmother - she can't win can she?

Jill needs to have it out with Ben, perhaps Jill needs to reduce contact if she isn't willing to accept Ben's standard if care for their DC.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 13/08/2021 19:29

Jill should take Ben to court if necessary to reduce contact because he is a bad father and negligent. If Sarah is refusing to parent his children for him, it may not require court action as he might be relieved to have even less asked of him.

Sarah is a fool if she has any more children with him.

NumberTheory · 13/08/2021 19:32

I think Jill is unreasonable to be annoyed with Sarah for not doing it. She should focus her “annoyance” on Ben, though since they’re divorced I guess she may just have run out of steam on that. But it also sounds like she also needs to start expecting a bit more of her children too (though agree with you that they need a lot of reminding and routine setting at that age, especially if they are moving between houses).

I think Sarah’s a bit unreasonable to be doing it all for her child and not getting on Ben’s case about it in some ways, And, indeed, to have had a child with Ben at all given that he neglects his own children.

Why does Ben have them 3 days a week? Is he trying to avoid maintenance or does he like spending time with them but is just of the opinion hygiene isn’t that important?

sst1234 · 13/08/2021 19:35

What was Sarah expecting?

Kanaloa · 13/08/2021 19:37

If I was Jill I’d be pissed off with my kids’ dad that he wasn’t caring for them adequately, it would be very upsetting. But I wouldn’t blame Sarah, I would just be very upset my kids were having to be cared for (or not, rather) by this man.

If I was Sarah I’d take this as a warning for my future.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/08/2021 19:38

What was Jill expecting?

She hung around long enough to have 3 and it’s hard to imagine he was a stellar father then. She put up with it when married to him, she put up with it when he was single.

Why is she expecting another unrelated woman to do the jobs their dad should be?

Kanaloa · 13/08/2021 19:39

I would also (if I was Sarah) be repulsed by my partner’s total indifference to his own children. I don’t think I could respect him.

DrSbaitso · 13/08/2021 19:39

Well maybe Sarah can see now why Ben is divorced. And Jill should be annoyed at Ben because he's the irresponsible knob here.

NoSquirrels · 13/08/2021 19:46

Ben sounds like a twat. God knows why Sarah decided to procreate with him.

But it’s not up to Sarah to sort Ben & Jill’s kids.
Different if she’s actively denying them something, but this isn’t that. At the older kids’ ages they should be responsible enough to do teeth reliably with just a verbal prompt.

The laundry (clothes & sheets) sounds like a household management issue that Sarah’s on strike. Fair enough, given that Ben sounds like a lazy bastard.

If Jill isn’t happy with how their father treats them she needs to take it up with Ben, or reduce contact so the kids are with her more.

funinthesun19 · 13/08/2021 20:07

It has been raised with him by Jill before.

It sounds to me like she’s given up on Ben then and is focusing too much on Sarah now to do it instead. She needs to start setting that bar higher for the father of her children I’m afraid. She’s obviously not done enough so far.

In my opinion Sarah should kick Ben out and both women should let Ben have contact with his children alone when he’s fit to parent them. Maybe he’ll soon get his act together when there’s no woman around.

RedHelenB · 13/08/2021 20:12

Ben as a parent doesn't have to parent to Jill or Sarah's standards necessarily. Depends what he is it isn't doing.

AintPageantMaterial · 13/08/2021 20:14

I’m a stepmother and have been in SDDs life since she was 11. I was happy to have sole responsibility for her and take her out, entertain her and cook for her but I absolutely would not ‘parent’ her in anyway that required me to give her instructions or tell her off in any way. I could just about bring myself to say ‘your dad asked me to remind you to ….’ We have never had a disagreement about anything in 25 years.

She’s an adult now and we are so close we go on holiday together without DH or DDs but I think not imposing myself on her in that way is part of the reason. She has 2 parents and I am not one of them. I respect that distinction. I think Sarah is right to leave the hands-on parenting to Ben.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 13/08/2021 20:20

@QuestionableDanceMoves

The older 2 shouldn’t need prompting to have a wash or brush their teeth, that should be a well established part of their daily routine. If it isn’t then Jill and Ben ought to be ensuring it is. The 7 year old probably would need a bit of a nudge, I know mine did at that age. Ben sounds like a lazy sod, Jill should direct her annoyance at him. However, Jill also needs to accept that things will be different at Ben’s house to her I.e. washing needing to be in the basket in order to get washed.

DS nearly 10 will do anything to get out of brushing his teeth. I have to stand and watch him.

Kanaloa · 13/08/2021 20:59

@RedHelenB

OP explains that the father isn’t providing the kids with clothing, clean bedding, or enforcing personal hygiene. It isn’t really personal standards, he isn’t doing the bare minimum to care for his children.

Peace43 · 13/08/2021 21:26

My 10 year old is expected to put her clothes in the washing basket, have a shower and wash her hair by herself (I sometimes remind her but mostly she just takes a shower and does her hair 3 or 4 times a week), do her own teeth and help me change her bed. She dressed herself appropriately according to the weather and days planned. She brushes her hair. I help her put in a bobble for school. She has done this lot for at least the last year.

I think these kids sound old enough not to need basic hygiene help. Their Dad should be setting basic expectations and nagging as needed.

BigMamaFratelli · 13/08/2021 21:31

Jill needs to wind her neck in with regards to Sarah, and they both need to rip Ben a new one for being so shit

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