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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you should help your ex out in this scenario?

93 replies

OneLoneLoner · 12/08/2021 16:51

If your ex contacted you in the afternoon when he was supposed to have the children to ask if they could come home the evening before they were due to, because they'd just discovered his wife had had a miscarriage that day, would you agree? Even if you had social plans for that evening?

The Mum in this is a friend, we went out last weekend and she described this situation and basically had told her ex sorry she couldn't because she'd arranged to go out for drinks with us.

I just found it a bit cold tbh. I get it's an inconvenience but she'd be the first to tell you how good a Dad he is, she gets on quite well with his wife too and they have a good co parenting relationship by all accounts which she says so herself, they share 50:50 custody.

AIBU to think, regardless as to whether technically it's your night or not, you'd help out on this occasion just because... It seems like the right thing to do?! Or do we really owe our exes, even if we get on well and they are good parents, no decency at all?

OP posts:
PieceOfString · 12/08/2021 16:53

Wow, yes human decency would be the go-to here. Unless the ex had been massively abusive but if everything is civilised that's heartless. Maybe now you know why they split. 🙁

GrrRightBackAtYou · 12/08/2021 16:54

YANBU.
Having suffered multiple mc’s I have total sympathy with the ex’s DP. How awful to have to try to keep it together with children in the house, because their DM won’t have them back an evening early, when all you want to do is crumble and wail and lean on DP for support.
Poor woman.

StepGarlic · 12/08/2021 16:55

Even if you forget human decency surely the best thing for her children would be to look after them as dad is going to be in a difficult place.

StepGarlic · 12/08/2021 16:55

You don't suddenly stop being a parent when they are with the other parent

youdoyoutoday · 12/08/2021 16:57

Wow that's pretty harsh considering she supposedly gets on with the her ex and his partner.

Original poster
OneLoneLoner · 12/08/2021 16:58

Glad it's not just me. It's left a sour taste tbh.

I knew them together as well. She's always the first as well to say they get on well so it's not even like they are really hostile to each other.

She said in his message he'd said his wife was 'really not doing well' as well. All the others in the group seemed to agree it was the right thing to do, I just thought it was pretty awful tbh.

OP posts:
StepGarlic · 12/08/2021 17:00

Her own kids will be the one that suffers. How on earth is the poor wife supposed to just carry on like normal around them. They will never forget this is how she has treated them.

Peace43 · 12/08/2021 17:00

I would, not nice for the kids to be there on such an emotionally grim time. I had a MC and it was hideous. I’d also not want to make my ex-Hs life harder if I didn’t need to.

I guess there could be back story. If he keeps changing the plans and this is yet one more change then maybe it’s just one too many. If this was a specific meet up that I had planned for ages….

There are alternatives!

Original poster
OneLoneLoner · 12/08/2021 17:01

@StepGarlic

Her own kids will be the one that suffers. How on earth is the poor wife supposed to just carry on like normal around them. They will never forget this is how she has treated them.
I know! I was thinking I hope she never needs him in a situation like this!
OP posts:
icelollycraving · 12/08/2021 17:02

Let’s hope neither of the women are on here.

StepGarlic · 12/08/2021 17:02

It's the end of their "good coparenting" arrangement and unless there is a really good reason she won't cancel her plans I would be distancing myself from her if I were her friend.

DoubleDeckerSwimmer · 12/08/2021 17:04

She should have gone for sure. I am surprised your friends thought otherwise (maybe they didn't privately but didn't like to tell her?)

Dixiechickonhols · 12/08/2021 17:05

I agree seems very unfeeling. Probably caused more problems for her too - the children may well be upset if they have seen Dad upset, step mum in pain etc.
Hope the Mum is never in hospital or sudden bereavement etc.

RedMarauder · 12/08/2021 17:07

You don't owe your ex but you owe your own children not to put them in a situation where an adult they will be with is completely distressed and emotionally unable to look after them.

Your friend needs to be careful. With this talk of miscarriages in the media I wouldn't be surprised when the kids, especially if they are girls, are in their late teens/20s are told of her behaviour.

ElfDragon · 12/08/2021 17:09

Yes, I would.

It wouldn’t happen in reverse, though (which I know from experience - not a miscarriage, but a serious health issue).

If a friend of mine had behaved in this way, it would have me reevaluating the friendship, tbh.

PieceOfString · 12/08/2021 17:13

If she won't bend or flex for something serious like this she'd better hope she never needs to tweak plans cos I'd be telling her to stuff it. So odd if they are in good terms

Youseethethingis · 12/08/2021 17:14

YANBU.
Now the SM likely has seething resentment of the children (hopefully temporary!) layered on top of all the physical emotional pain of the miscarriage.
All so that this dreadful woman can have a few drinks.

Original poster
OneLoneLoner · 12/08/2021 17:16

If a friend of mine had behaved in this way, it would have me reevaluating the friendship, tbh

Tbh it's not the first time I've thought she is selfish.

OP posts:
Snaketime · 12/08/2021 17:16

That is so heartless of her all round, this would show to me that she only cares about herself.

TheOrigRights · 12/08/2021 17:19

I would help out, NOT for the sake of my ex, but for his wife.

And the reason I'd want my ex to stuff it because he was not there AT ALL for me during my second pregnancy. Didn't even ask me how the amnio went. So it would sting that he had become the loving partner for his new wife, but that's not her fault. And I am a decent human.

aliloandabanana · 12/08/2021 17:23

It's interesting that everyone thinks the friend is awful for this, but I wonder if the mother would ask the ex to have the children early or whatever, or would she be likely to ask a grandparent/friend?

Perhaps the OP's friend hadn't had a night out for ages and really needed one?

Did the father really not have anyone else he could ask - his parents, for example?

AllTheSingleLadiess · 12/08/2021 17:27

Yanbu but I'm assuming that Dad is flexible when your friend has emergency situations like this. Some people can be very unreasonable regimented about stuff like this even though it benefits the kids to be with the parent who can be more "present" and they can have the favour returned just in case.

StepGarlic · 12/08/2021 17:28

@aliloandabanana I'm a step mum and I'd cancel my social plans if dh was abroad or had another emergancy that meant he couldn't be there for his own kids. He would do everything he could do to look after them though in those circumstances.

Horst · 12/08/2021 17:30

Eugh I’m sure he had other people he could of asked like grandparents.

I’m going to guess she doesn’t ring Ex every time she needs a babysitter during her contact time.

PyjamaFan · 12/08/2021 17:34

That's completely appalling.

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