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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you should help your ex out in this scenario?

93 replies

OneLoneLoner · 12/08/2021 16:51

If your ex contacted you in the afternoon when he was supposed to have the children to ask if they could come home the evening before they were due to, because they'd just discovered his wife had had a miscarriage that day, would you agree? Even if you had social plans for that evening?

The Mum in this is a friend, we went out last weekend and she described this situation and basically had told her ex sorry she couldn't because she'd arranged to go out for drinks with us.

I just found it a bit cold tbh. I get it's an inconvenience but she'd be the first to tell you how good a Dad he is, she gets on quite well with his wife too and they have a good co parenting relationship by all accounts which she says so herself, they share 50:50 custody.

AIBU to think, regardless as to whether technically it's your night or not, you'd help out on this occasion just because... It seems like the right thing to do?! Or do we really owe our exes, even if we get on well and they are good parents, no decency at all?

OP posts:
Original poster
OneLoneLoner · 12/08/2021 17:34

I’m going to guess she doesn’t ring Ex every time she needs a babysitter during her contact time

You sound just as heatless tbh.

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 12/08/2021 17:37

I would be judging the hell out of her for going and gossiping about someone else's miscarriage as well as for the shitty behaviour of leaving 2 distressed people, going through hell, looking after her kids so she could have some drinks.

Regardless what she thinks of them, surely she wouldn't want to put her kids through that needlessly.

Original poster
OneLoneLoner · 12/08/2021 17:38

We try to meet at least once a month often more as a group so it's not a case of us never getting together. She's always saying actually how lucky she is regarding their co parenting situation, he really isn't some EOW dad who dumps on her any time he 'needs a babysitter'. One of our other friends' ex barely sees their child and she's always saying how terrible it is, how lucky X isn't like that etc...

I do know them both (we were friends when they were together too) and my husband is friends with her ex so I also know the wife although not as well. He doesn't have any family round here, his parents and siblings live a few hours away where he's from.

OP posts:
DoubleDeckerSwimmer · 12/08/2021 17:44

every time she needs a babysitter

Unless the poor new wife has regular miscarriages, this is hardly an "every time" scenario?

And if she does have regular miscarriages, it is possibly even more distressing for her.

When I miscarried, there was a certain amount of noise / distress and mess. I wouldn't want my children around that if it could be avoided (luckily my toddler was asleep and then I was in hospital).

Rexthesnail · 12/08/2021 17:47

Usually if my ex has our son and his wife has an issue, I expect him to still have our son regardless, but for a miscarriage, I'd have my son early and change my plans.

RubyGoat · 12/08/2021 17:48

Hopefully she won't ever need his support ehen she's struggling with something. How incredibly cold hearted. Not only to her ex & his wife, but to her kids. They've got to stay there & witness her being in pain, & their father being distraught.

godmum56 · 12/08/2021 17:49

goodness thats a cold hearted thing to do....and then to say you had done it.

gannett · 12/08/2021 17:51

I can't believe she told her friends she'd done this.

anon12345678901 · 12/08/2021 17:51

@Horst

Eugh I’m sure he had other people he could of asked like grandparents.

I’m going to guess she doesn’t ring Ex every time she needs a babysitter during her contact time.

What a spiteful comment. A miscarriage is traumatic, a little compassion from the mother would have been a good thing. OP if my ex called me needing me to look after our son, for an emergency, I'd do it, I have before. I think your friend sounds like a very selfish person to say no in these circumstances.
Horst · 12/08/2021 17:52

Not really heartless. His first port of call was to ring his ex rather than getting grandparents to help. As the nrp unless his actually doing 50/50 which isn’t often the ex gets eow to actually not have to arrange a sitter and enjoy her time without worry because the other parent is parenting.

If they where a couple and she was having a mc they would solider on like most women who have mc’s.

User135792468 · 12/08/2021 17:54

Your friend is a scumbag. I would quickly drop her and tell her why.

StepGarlic · 12/08/2021 17:54

@Horst

Eugh I’m sure he had other people he could of asked like grandparents.

I’m going to guess she doesn’t ring Ex every time she needs a babysitter during her contact time.

It's not babysitting when it's looking after your own kids when something bad has happened in the other parent's life.
User135792468 · 12/08/2021 17:55

@Horst

Not really heartless. His first port of call was to ring his ex rather than getting grandparents to help. As the nrp unless his actually doing 50/50 which isn’t often the ex gets eow to actually not have to arrange a sitter and enjoy her time without worry because the other parent is parenting.

If they where a couple and she was having a mc they would solider on like most women who have mc’s.

I can’t believe your attitude. There’s a special place in hell for people like you.
StepGarlic · 12/08/2021 17:56

If they where a couple and she was having a mc they would solider on like most women who have mc’s. it's not in anyone's best interest to do that when the kids own mother could step up for her own kids who aren't stupid and will sense something awful had happened and need support too.

Original poster
OneLoneLoner · 12/08/2021 18:01

@Horst

Not really heartless. His first port of call was to ring his ex rather than getting grandparents to help. As the nrp unless his actually doing 50/50 which isn’t often the ex gets eow to actually not have to arrange a sitter and enjoy her time without worry because the other parent is parenting.

If they where a couple and she was having a mc they would solider on like most women who have mc’s.

Do read the thread, I've said he has 50:50, not EOW and she's the first to say how well they co parent. Sounds like you have some projection issues going on. Do you have a useless ex or something?

As for the last section of your post, gosh... what a horrid person you are.

OP posts:
Original poster
OneLoneLoner · 12/08/2021 18:02

Yes his first port of call was the children's mother... SHOCK HORROR. There are no grandparents to help on his side I've already explained that.

OP posts:
WindyWindsor · 12/08/2021 18:02

I think the fact the mum decided to share that very personal information with you and I assume whoever else you were out with would leave a bad taste in my mouth alone.

Horst · 12/08/2021 18:03

Must of missed the 50/50 as I was cooking and reading my bad on that part.

Nope no ex and childcare issues thank you.

Just don’t think the default should always be the other parent when it’s your contact time.

Original poster
OneLoneLoner · 12/08/2021 18:05

Just don’t think the default should always be the other parent when it’s your contact time

Not always no. But this is obviously a pretty horrible situation and one I would hope doesn't always occur. Are you suggesting there is no situation where it would be appropriate for the ex to ask the children's other parent?

OP posts:
Original poster
OneLoneLoner · 12/08/2021 18:07

I'd be curious if you'd post the same thing if the roles were reversed.

'I had a miscarriage today and my children's father won't take them an evening early because he's going to the pub with his mates'

Would you tell her she'll need to soldier on like every other woman?

OP posts:
StepGarlic · 12/08/2021 18:08

@OneLoneLoner

Just don’t think the default should always be the other parent when it’s your contact time

Not always no. But this is obviously a pretty horrible situation and one I would hope doesn't always occur. Are you suggesting there is no situation where it would be appropriate for the ex to ask the children's other parent?

Yes the kids need support too. I mean how much more serious does it have to get for her to step up for her kids. She is their mum 100% of the time.
Horst · 12/08/2021 18:11

And his their dad 100% of the time too.

Horst · 12/08/2021 18:13

Most women do just get on with it with their existing children around them. Yes don’t get the option to send them back to the other house.

Peanutsandchilli · 12/08/2021 18:15

I can completely see where your friend is coming from. You don't usually get to get rid of your kids when you have a miscarriage, as awful as it is. I know they're not her kids, but she's willingly got pregnant with a man who has kids, so she's accepted that she needs to step up as a responsible adult for them.

I would, however, take my kids back early, simply because I know they wouldn't be getting the attention they needed from their dad.

StepGarlic · 12/08/2021 18:15

@Horst

Most women do just get on with it with their existing children around them. Yes don’t get the option to send them back to the other house.
And? That isn't the situation here.