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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think you should help your ex out in this scenario?

93 replies

OneLoneLoner · 12/08/2021 16:51

If your ex contacted you in the afternoon when he was supposed to have the children to ask if they could come home the evening before they were due to, because they'd just discovered his wife had had a miscarriage that day, would you agree? Even if you had social plans for that evening?

The Mum in this is a friend, we went out last weekend and she described this situation and basically had told her ex sorry she couldn't because she'd arranged to go out for drinks with us.

I just found it a bit cold tbh. I get it's an inconvenience but she'd be the first to tell you how good a Dad he is, she gets on quite well with his wife too and they have a good co parenting relationship by all accounts which she says so herself, they share 50:50 custody.

AIBU to think, regardless as to whether technically it's your night or not, you'd help out on this occasion just because... It seems like the right thing to do?! Or do we really owe our exes, even if we get on well and they are good parents, no decency at all?

OP posts:

MichelleScarn · 12/08/2021 18:17

@Horst

Not really heartless. His first port of call was to ring his ex rather than getting grandparents to help. As the nrp unless his actually doing 50/50 which isn’t often the ex gets eow to actually not have to arrange a sitter and enjoy her time without worry because the other parent is parenting.

If they where a couple and she was having a mc they would solider on like most women who have mc’s.

Agree with pp this is vile. So if you can't 'soldier' on what does that mean? I found my mc very traumatic and just wanted to sleep and have peace.

phoenixrosehere · 12/08/2021 18:18

Did you pull her aside and say something to her OP?

If this was truly a friend of mine, I would say something to her in private.

billy1966 · 12/08/2021 18:19

Awful behaviour.

She sounds like a very unpleasant woman to be praising him on the one hand but being so dismissive when he asked for help.

I would think she is showing you OP, exactly who she is.

The rest of your party agreed with her?
🙄

Original poster

OneLoneLoner · 12/08/2021 18:21

@Horst

Most women do just get on with it with their existing children around them. Yes don’t get the option to send them back to the other house.

I personally think it's slightly different when the children in question aren't your children. I've had a miscarriage before, probably why it's bothered me so much, and I got a certain level of comfort from my child that I imagine would be the complete opposite if they weren't mine. But that's not really the point.

I don't think it would be all that unusual for existing children to spend the night somewhere else, grandparents or whatever if the parents were in a couple. The fact is though they weren't and they had another parent who was better placed emotionally to care for them who prioritised going out for drinks.

I also just think it's a pretty heartless thing to do even without considering the children seeing Dad / SM upset. Just as a human being, especially if I got on with my ex partner's wife, I'd have a bit more decency about me personally regardless of technicalities about who's time it were.

OP posts:

Original poster

OneLoneLoner · 12/08/2021 18:23

I do think if you're going to be this rigid about things though, don't expect anything in return when your time comes for needing a bit of flexibility! Karma and all that.

I did say at the time that was a bit harsh and asked whether she was okay (the wife). I don't even think she'd asked tbh. She's pretty confrontational though which is why I think most people agreed with her at the time.

OP posts:

CluelessAt50 · 12/08/2021 18:24

I did something along the same lines to my ex. I refused to help him out when his father died. I felt guilty but after the vile way he treated me through my mum's short terminal illness & death, I knew I'd have been an utter mug if I'd have helped. Is there a possibility your friend had experienced similar?

MattyGroves · 12/08/2021 18:24

@OneLoneLoner

I'd be curious if you'd post the same thing if the roles were reversed.

'I had a miscarriage today and my children's father won't take them an evening early because he's going to the pub with his mates'

Would you tell her she'll need to soldier on like every other woman?

I have a feeling that most women wouldn't look to their ex at all in that instance but ask family or friends or, yes, just soldier on.

OP - you don't know every last detail. Maybe she asked him for help once in a health crisis and he fobbed her off. If you're not inclined to give your friend the benefit of the doubt, are you really her friend?

Branleuse · 12/08/2021 18:25

i probably would, but it would depend really on the event and also other variables that you probably arent privy to. It can be awful to have a miscarriage, but I wouldnt say that it meant that my ex would have to change something theyd planned and were looking forward to.

lazyarse123 · 12/08/2021 18:28

@Horst

Eugh I’m sure he had other people he could of asked like grandparents.

I’m going to guess she doesn’t ring Ex every time she needs a babysitter during her contact time.

Wow. That's a heartless statement to make. It's not babysitting to look after your own kids when something horrible has happened to someone. While we're being arsey it's could HAVE not of.

phoenixrosehere · 12/08/2021 18:29

So why are you friends with her? You said earlier that she can be selfish. Now, you add that she can be confrontational to the point that you assume most people agreed with her because of it.

CiaoForNiao · 12/08/2021 18:29

I always have my DC home when ex can't have them. I don't really have any choice, he'd just leave them sat on the doorstep. But in those circumstances of course I would have them home.

Having said that. I can see your friends pov if the Ex wouldn't do the same for her (obviously I don't know if that's the case or not).
My ex has no issues lying about a situation so I feel I have no option but to cancel my plans and have the dc on my "night off". If her ex is like that, although it doesn't sound that way from what you've said, then I can see why she might not cancel her plans.

Youseethethingis · 12/08/2021 18:33

so she's accepted that she needs to step up as a responsible adult for them
This isn't stepping up and being responsible for them, this is having them foisted on her when it's entirely inappropriate.
And no, step parents are not responsible for their spouse/partner's kids.

HeartsAndClubs · 12/08/2021 18:33

I can see it from both sides TBH.

I would take the DC back because I’m not of this mindset that we have “his time” and “my time”, they’re my children regardless of whether they’re staying with me or not.

But TBH if the children were both theirs they wouldn’t have a choice. Also, is it possible that your friend has had miscarriages herself and had to cope with her children regardless, so she doesn’t see why it’s such a big deal?

Remember people deal differently with miscarriage. Some are devastated by them, and others, while sad, accept that unfortunately they’re all too common and life has to go on. There’s no right or wrong here really.

Mind you, I have a friend who was rushed into hospital, and when she called her eXH the next morning, he firstly demanded to know where their DC were, and seemed to take issue with the fact they had stayed with her partner, even though she’d gone in late at night, and then went on to tell her that he couldn’t have the DC that night because he and his new partner had arranged to go out for dinner. She never asked him again. And now when she is admitted to hospital either her partner stays with the DC or her parents drive the 3 hours from where they live to do it.

Interestingly the DC don’t see much of him any more, through their own choice.

HotChoc10 · 12/08/2021 18:33

@Branleuse

I agree with this. Making the assumption that she's the primary carer, as most women are after a divorce, it may have been really important to her to have time to herself.

OrlandointheWilderness · 12/08/2021 18:34

I think it isn't exactly kind is it.

StepGarlic · 12/08/2021 18:35

But TBH if the children were both theirs they wouldn’t have a choice yes but they aren't so that might be harder for everyone to deal with.

StepGarlic · 12/08/2021 18:36

@HotChoc10 they are 50/50

MrsMiddleMother · 12/08/2021 18:36

Going against the grain here but no I don't think your friend is unreasonable. When I had my miscarriage I still had to live with my dsd and ds, like many other women. Just because something awful like that happens doesn't mean you get to brush off your responsibility as a parent or stepparent.

Theunamedcat · 12/08/2021 18:37

I've frequently helped my ex out he never helps me out i do firmly believe I have fucking mug written on my forehead at times (but I digress)

Previous exes (who i have an adult daughter with) girlfriend had a late miscarriage i spoke to him said I was sorry for his loss to stay with the girlfriend we would reevaluate seeing dd in a few weeks he never bothered seeing her again blamed me they both get extremely abusive about me make up a huge amount of lies about me "stopping contact" "breaking up a happy family" (seriously she met my daughter a handful of times at best she was a fairly new girlfriend who got pregnant immediately) and all sorts of bullshit

At least I try to stay civil i just pick knob heads its why I stay single

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/08/2021 18:42

It doesn’t sound great.

Unless she maybe has autism or some sort of anxiety condition where she can’t cope with plan changes? Real straw clutch there!

Getawaywithit · 12/08/2021 18:46

On the face of it, it seems mean.

However, without the back story, it's really difficult to say. My ex is utterly inflexible and as a result, I have learnt to be the same because in the early days, it made me a push over. He also learnt in getting wind of me having any kind of life, he could put a stop to that with some made up emergency.

In short, you need the full story as there is probably more to it.

funinthesun19 · 12/08/2021 18:48

I would, however, take my kids back early, simply because I know they wouldn't be getting the attention they needed from their dad.

No other reasons then?

Getawaywithit · 12/08/2021 18:52

You are coming at this from a 'together parenting' point of view. The parents in question are not a couple. The ex wife has no obligation whatsoever to her ex and his new partner and it's not a popular view, but the dad is as capable as parenting as mum and shouldn't be let off that obligation in all but the most awful of unforseen emergencies.

Whether you consider this an awful, unforseen emergency is a matter of individual conscience, backed by how situations such as these may have been handled in the past. For example, if mum had a miscarriage, could she rely on her ex to take the children for a couple of days whilst she got herself together again. In my experience, probably not.

Mabelface · 12/08/2021 18:52

Autism doesn't make someone uncaring, please don't suggest this.

Your friend was selfish. In any relationship, whether mother and father are together or not, they both have 100% responsibility. A miscarriage pips drinks with your mates when it comes to your own children. I'd say she's just fucked up the good relationship she had with the ex.

Wolframhart · 12/08/2021 18:54

Assuming even a semi-decent relationship with the ex, then yes, I would think she would help. It’s the kind of call I think most people would try to answer affirmatively, even if it wasn’t for their own children and it was just a friend or neighbor calling who needed a few hours of quiet.

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