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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think you should help your ex out in this scenario?

93 replies

OneLoneLoner · 12/08/2021 16:51

If your ex contacted you in the afternoon when he was supposed to have the children to ask if they could come home the evening before they were due to, because they'd just discovered his wife had had a miscarriage that day, would you agree? Even if you had social plans for that evening?

The Mum in this is a friend, we went out last weekend and she described this situation and basically had told her ex sorry she couldn't because she'd arranged to go out for drinks with us.

I just found it a bit cold tbh. I get it's an inconvenience but she'd be the first to tell you how good a Dad he is, she gets on quite well with his wife too and they have a good co parenting relationship by all accounts which she says so herself, they share 50:50 custody.

AIBU to think, regardless as to whether technically it's your night or not, you'd help out on this occasion just because... It seems like the right thing to do?! Or do we really owe our exes, even if we get on well and they are good parents, no decency at all?

OP posts:

Babyghirl · 12/08/2021 18:56

@OneLoneLoner
Sorry but your friend is an awful human, and I would no longer be friends with her I have had 4 miscarriages and 1 cp and its heart breaking I had to get brought to hospital for the first one as was bleeding out was late at nite I wanted to be in bed with oh and cry if I wanted to without being ascared of being heard on toilet for hours so I think ur 'friend' was just being evil and nt thinking of her kids at all and trying to get one over. Pray the day she needs help and I hope he goes no sorry awful busy not a good time she will deserve it.

Dashel · 12/08/2021 18:58

It seems pretty heartless tbh and if the co parents normally have a good relationship and get on well and share the dc fairly, then why wouldn’t you help each other out? After all if the mum has an emergency, she might need him to return the favour.

Not every dad is feckless who doesn’t honour his obligations and if this is a one off request then I would definitely help out without question

PixieLaLa · 12/08/2021 19:02

Wow that is disgusting behaviour. Putting a ‘night out’ as the priority, some people have zero compassion for others. Also it’s not like it’s a favour there her own bloody kids I wouldn’t even think twice about saying of course no problem!

PickAChew · 12/08/2021 19:03

It would be the decent thing to do, yes, but I would also factor in why he's an ex.

If, for example, he was an ex because he was abusive and flaky and had a history of letting you down with ever more elaborate tales, then I probably would just go for the drink, too.

Doyoumind · 12/08/2021 19:05

My ex is an abusive idiot and his partner isn't great but no way would I have said no to this.

PickAChew · 12/08/2021 19:07

OK, reading on, in this case, she's a dick.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/08/2021 19:18

I didn’t suggest autism made you a dick at all! I suggested it might make a change of plan harder to deal with.

Starseeking · 12/08/2021 20:04

There is probably a huge backstory that your friend isn't telling you.

When I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks, I attended 6 hospital appointments across 3 weeks on the bus/Uber (including D&C), was changing pads every 2 hours, and spent the worst 3 days in bed. It was actually pretty easy to keep it all away from my DC, as they were in nursery during the week, and I told them I needed to rest.

Throughout the whole period, my EXDP (whose DC3 this would have been) never even made me a cup of tea across the whole period, and in fact told me I was lazy and was asking when he would have his time to lie in bed. To the outside world he was a wonderful dad and partner, at home he was emotionally abusive.

So no, if the same thing happened to his next partner, I absolutely would not go home. I'd tell him to support his DP in the same way he supported me, and not feel a shred of guilt.

Brefugee · 12/08/2021 20:46

Seems pretty mean to me. Not least because if it's like the MC i had when my DC were young, it was like something from alien and it took my older DC a long while to get over it. And once a little while later when i had The Mother Of All Period Leaks she thought it was happening again and i was going to die. It was awful for all of us.

Who wouldn't want to spare their own kids that kind of thing?

WandaVision2 · 12/08/2021 21:03

Whilst I agree with you op this thread is a really low move.

It’s totally inappropriate to be discussing another women’s miscarriage on social media. Imagine if she came across this one day, if she did you have included enough details for her to know it’s about her. I’d be devastated if it was me.

Hawkins001 · 12/08/2021 21:45

That is a bit cold hearted, especially considering the situation

Hawkins001 · 12/08/2021 21:48

@WandaVision2

Whilst I agree with you op this thread is a really low move.

But then where do you draw the line, I understand your perspectives and concerns, but at the same time if no one asked about any medical information, ect on here or similar situations , then now would people get different perspectives on formulation of a strategy for x situation.

Kanaloa · 12/08/2021 21:53

I would have taken my kids back. If nothing else this will come back to bite her in the bum one day when she needs a bit of flexibility herself for whatever reason.

And she’s ended that good coparenting relationship. Sad really.

Botanica · 12/08/2021 22:00

God she sounds awful. Completely selfish and heartless.

And I am guessing she has no idea what going through a miscarriage can entail - how lucky to be in such a privileged position to be able to openly gossip about someone else's heartbreak so openly.

The ex's wife could be labouring in a pool of blood and she's ok for her kids to be not only exposed to this unnecessarily, but to be a distraction to the couple going through the loss. Unbelievably cold.

I would never think the same of her again abs doubt I could a friendship after that.

BananaMilkshakeWithCream · 12/08/2021 22:11

That’s exactly the sort stunt that DH’s ex would pull. I think this is actually very cruel and your friend isn’t thinking about her kids at all as they’re unlikely to be getting the attention they’d normally get if their dad and his partner are focussed on the mc.

Saidtoomuch · 12/08/2021 22:14

Horrible. She is forgetting her children have also just lost their potential half brother / sister, so very cold. I hope everyone is okay, or as well as possibly can be?

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/08/2021 22:31

I doubt the relationship will stay as amicable as she’s claiming it’s been.

I’ve had 5 mcs, two needed surgery after, and we didn’t change the contact schedule with DH’s DC but he and his ex aren’t amicable at all and we wouldn’t want her knowing anything personal.

In a set up you like you describe she’s been incredibly selfish.

FortniteBoysMum · 12/08/2021 22:39

Definitely let the kids come home early unless it's something like booked expensive tickets for something or attending a wedding for example. Even then you try to sort alternative childcare out. I would not want my kids to be there as they need time to process.

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