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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my life back

79 replies

FreeTheDove · 12/08/2021 00:42

Ok it's a long one

XDP and I have 3 children together and he has a DC from a previous relationship.

His DC lives with him full time, her mother isn't around in her life.

XDP and I split after he decided he wanted to be with someone else. He has a GF now.

Now here's where it gets complicated. XDP and DSD still live with me and put 3DC. Separate rooms of course.
I don't know why he is still here but he's making my life a misery. He calls me every name under the sun, shouts at me in front of the kids, moans about housework yet never helps out! Moans about money when I need some financial help because I pay all the bills.
Then he uses it against me saying how I'm never getting a penny again!
He goes and stays out every Saturday with his GF and leaves his 16 year old DD with me who is disrespectful, mean to her siblings, messy and never cleans up after herself or help around the house (yet she moans about housework aswell) she's just like her DF!!

His GF lives with her parents still and apparently they're 'saving for a place of their own' but I can't stand it anymore!!
Im lying in bed right now not being able to sleep because my mind is going crazy with frustration over the whole situation!
I want my life back!! I want to relax in my own home!! If I bring this up he gets nasty and makes me feel even more like shit!!!

Im stuck and I want to be free!!!

OP posts:
ChunkySloth · 12/08/2021 01:04

Is his name on the tenancy/deeds?

Amima · 12/08/2021 01:07

I don’t see why you can’t just kick him out. It doesn’t sound like he has any legal right to be there.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/08/2021 01:08

What's the tenancy/mortgage/ownership situation?

Serendipity79 · 12/08/2021 01:31

The key thing here is your housing situation. Are you co owners? Do you own it or he owns it? Is it rented and is he on the tenancy?

samwitwicky · 12/08/2021 01:37

If you don't know why he's still there, it sounds like he has no right to be?

So kick him out. He can take his DD with him

Notimeforaname · 12/08/2021 01:49

Why is he still there? Why are you allowing this?

QueenBee52 · 12/08/2021 02:19

@Notimeforaname

Why is he still there? Why are you allowing this?

yip

Takenoprisoner · 12/08/2021 02:39

He is abusive to you and therefore to dc because they are watching their mother being abused. Even if his name is on the tenancy, you can get an occupation order against him which will force him to move out.

Get rid of him, and get your life back.

abstractprojection · 12/08/2021 03:16

Kick him out or move out depending on whose the deeds or tenancy are in

Now, today. It will only get worse

hashbrownsandwich · 12/08/2021 03:44

We need to know the ownership/tenancy situation to be able to offer a solution.

thenewduchessofhastings · 12/08/2021 03:47

@FreeTheDove

You've posted before haven't you?;if I remember rightly he wanted to move in with his new GF and leave his DD with you.Has the situation with the DSD improved or is she still refusing to go to college or get a job?

You need to be firm;give him 6 weeks to leave and make it Abundantly clear he's to take his DD with him.

Frodogo · 12/08/2021 04:07

The only answer is to get him and his daughter out of your home, or leave it yourself. There's no reason good enough for continuing to live together. They don't respect you, and it's bad for your children to witness his verbal abuse.

Fashio · 12/08/2021 04:18

What a weird situation so basically you’re a hotel

MyOtherProfile · 12/08/2021 05:05

Time to give him the boot unless the house is in his name.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/08/2021 05:07

You've posted before haven't you?;if I remember rightly he wanted to move in with his new GF and leave his DD with you.Has the situation with the DSD improved or is she still refusing to go to college or get a job?

That weirdo? Yeah, you have to sort this situation out.

nancydroo · 12/08/2021 05:23

Actually his behaviour now makes more sense if he wanted to move his GF in. Though he treats you badly and is a complete arse perhaps you are familiar to him and sees it as a house share if he has his own room. Much cheaper prospect. I have no idea what to suggest but YANBU, nope can't see this exDP going anywhere. Horrible situation.

Billybagpuss · 12/08/2021 05:50

[quote thenewduchessofhastings]@FreeTheDove

You've posted before haven't you?;if I remember rightly he wanted to move in with his new GF and leave his DD with you.Has the situation with the DSD improved or is she still refusing to go to college or get a job?

You need to be firm;give him 6 weeks to leave and make it Abundantly clear he's to take his DD with him.[/quote]
Is this you? I remember this thread.

He needs to go, if everything is in your name neither he or Dsd have any right to stay and get the CMS claim in now if you haven’t already as he doesn’t sound like the sort to pay up willingly.

Bustamove90 · 12/08/2021 06:05

This could be a good chance to pack his stuff whilst he's away and put it out the front. Tell dad unfortunately she can no longer stay either and tell her to pack her stuff. I'm a bit concerned about his daughter really. Do you think Social services would help?

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 12/08/2021 06:07

Wtf does he think he's staying indefinitely? He needs to leave yesterday. You are not his childcare nor his housemate.

Do you own the house? If yes, then instruct a solicitor and find out where you stand legally.

If not issue notice this week and start looking for somewhere new. He is going to get unpleasant and drag is heels but that is because you're rocking his lovely little boat parked in his scenic little bay. He's having a great time being a bachelor whilst you pick up the slack.

Tell him he needs to start moving on with his life and that means finding a place suitable for contact with his children because you are no longer willing to cohabit with him.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 12/08/2021 06:09

I would also be inclined for you to move out, that way he cannot just abandon DSD with you.

She may be frustrating to live with but she's just a victim in this, perhaps the biggest victim. Her Father has abandoned her, her Mother has abandoned her, her home is threatened etc. Your child have the consistency of an attentive parent, she doesn't.

Eralos · 12/08/2021 06:48

I think he’s still there as he has some sort of hold over you. Is his name on the tenancy? Kick him out if not. Or can you and your kids move to another place? You don’t need to live like this. You can be free of him.

lannistunut · 12/08/2021 06:51

No one can advise until you explain the house ownership/tenancy situation.

But his DD staying without him would surely be better than this. He sounds dreadful.

MoonlightWanderer · 12/08/2021 06:53

Yes, this situation is nuts! Shock

Why haven’t you kicked him out yet?

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 12/08/2021 06:55

Either someone is living the same life as you or you have posted about this before with the exact same situation.

Stop waiting for him to make the decisions and make it for him instead. Is the house rented or owned? Whose names is it in?

PegasusReturns · 12/08/2021 07:20

The situation is indeed insane.

You need to untangle yourself from him. You can do that.

Starting point is housing? Do you own or rent?