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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my life back

79 replies

FreeTheDove · 12/08/2021 00:42

Ok it's a long one

XDP and I have 3 children together and he has a DC from a previous relationship.

His DC lives with him full time, her mother isn't around in her life.

XDP and I split after he decided he wanted to be with someone else. He has a GF now.

Now here's where it gets complicated. XDP and DSD still live with me and put 3DC. Separate rooms of course.
I don't know why he is still here but he's making my life a misery. He calls me every name under the sun, shouts at me in front of the kids, moans about housework yet never helps out! Moans about money when I need some financial help because I pay all the bills.
Then he uses it against me saying how I'm never getting a penny again!
He goes and stays out every Saturday with his GF and leaves his 16 year old DD with me who is disrespectful, mean to her siblings, messy and never cleans up after herself or help around the house (yet she moans about housework aswell) she's just like her DF!!

His GF lives with her parents still and apparently they're 'saving for a place of their own' but I can't stand it anymore!!
Im lying in bed right now not being able to sleep because my mind is going crazy with frustration over the whole situation!
I want my life back!! I want to relax in my own home!! If I bring this up he gets nasty and makes me feel even more like shit!!!

Im stuck and I want to be free!!!

OP posts:
FannyFifer · 12/08/2021 10:36

Just sign him off the tenancy, pack up their things & leave them outside. Why on earth are u putting up with such nonsense.

Confused102 · 12/08/2021 10:39

So sign the forms and get him out? I'm not sure why you are complaining about a situation that you have the power to change?

DoWhatYouWantToAndShh · 12/08/2021 10:49

I remember your last thread.
What a mess.
He's just completely out of order.
Get those forms signed and get them out.
He can apply for council housing now he's homeless or move in with his gf.
Do people like this really exist?

Dragon50 · 12/08/2021 10:49

OP I know it’s not easy but have you considered taking yourself off the tenancy and leaving?

That way you can leave DSD in the house too. I remember your last thread and I am very sympathetic to DSD but… you cannot go on like this.

I wouldn’t tell him until the last minute either.

Bythemillpond · 12/08/2021 10:52

Why are you not submitting the forms

His dd is his responsibility and you aren’t there to help him and his gf save up for his new place.

carwashy · 12/08/2021 10:59

So find another place, sign yourself off the tenancy and leave? How hard is it?!

Greenmarmalade · 12/08/2021 11:06

Submit the forms!!

LittleOwl153 · 12/08/2021 11:07

Unless it is a council tenancy- i.e. a secure one - then I would say to him today that either he signs the papers so to remove himself or you will to remove you and make him liable. Give him perhaps till the weekend and in the meantime look for something yourself. It might be easier to move yourself then you don't have to allow the teen to move with you. Tbh though if you get him off the tenancy just change the locks. And don't give either of them a key.

It's a shit situation that's for certain but you are only going to be miserable if you don't deal with this head on. Make sure his is paying cms too for the little ones.

toocold54 · 12/08/2021 11:25

I have the form to sign him off.

If you have the form why can’t you just take his name off the tenancy?

I’d be ringing the council and explaining the situation to see if you and your DCs can get on the housing list.

MiniCooperLover · 12/08/2021 11:36

Tell DSD that if she's adamant on staying then her attitude needs to improve hugely. It's telling she doesn't want to go with her own dad which is pretty sad really but equally she's old enough to know she needs to step up.

Luannee · 12/08/2021 11:37

What?!

Are you allowing DSD to stay?

Why isn't he paying any of the bills?

xksismybestletter · 12/08/2021 11:39

I'm not sure this is complicated OP. Big girl pants on and get on with it Flowers

billiebeeme · 12/08/2021 11:43

It sounds to me like you're scared of him. You shouldn't feel like that in your own home. Can you get him off the tenancy quicker. You should tell whatever authority or landlord that you've split up and he's being abusive your staying on and you need him out. I don't have experience of renting so I'm not sure of specifics but surely you would be allowed to sign him off in the situation. He's massively taking the piss out of you puts it mildly!

pineapplecat21 · 12/08/2021 11:50

Why are you watching his kids when he goes? I'd tell him your going out with your dc and it's his child, his problem.

Chippingbird23 · 12/08/2021 12:08

Kicks him out and he can take his daughter with him. What a knob. His girlfriend will get it next poor thing

TheFormidableMrsC · 12/08/2021 12:47

You need an occupation order which you can do yourself. Fuck this. Ring Women's Aid and ask for some help. You have options and you don't need to put up with this

messybun101 · 12/08/2021 14:35

YABU to want your old life back. You should want a new life. The prior (based on his arsey behaviour now) life you had with miserable man child can't possibly be what you want for the rest of your days?
Aim a bit higher op for goodness sake

Billybagpuss · 12/08/2021 15:13

Option a) get on with the forms, don’t do/say anything more about dsd until it’s done or he will delay. Once he’s off, give him notice to leave then change the locks.

Option b). Remove yourself from the tenancy and leave with your dc.

Set yourself a timescale to do all this. I suggest maybe paperwork submitted by the end of this month and him out by mid September. Don’t let this drag on or your next thread will be how do I handle Christmas with all this going on.

In your last thread there was a lot of advise re dsd some people doing the aren’t you wicked putting a teenager out of her home, but most saying she has to go. She is not your problem, once he’s gone she has to go. If she’s easy going and pleasant to be around fair enough but she’s not. But do not try and get either of them out until all your legal ducks are in a row.

Original poster
FreeTheDove · 12/08/2021 16:24

@messybun101

YABU to want your old life back. You should want a new life. The prior (based on his arsey behaviour now) life you had with miserable man child can't possibly be what you want for the rest of your days? Aim a bit higher op for goodness sake
I never said I want my old life back, having my old life would mean without my children and obviously they mean more to me than anything. I just want my life back in general. I don't want to live with this, myself and DC deserve better
OP posts:
Chloemol · 12/08/2021 16:26

If he won’t go then I suggest you and your three do, get your name off the tenancy and leave him and his daughter to it

MoonlightWanderer · 12/08/2021 16:42

There’s no magic solution here. You either have to force him out, leave yourself, or continue as you are. My suggestion would be to decide which one you want to do, then write a list on how to do it. Then you just have to pluck up the balls to do it. But whether you ask him to leave today, tomorrow, a week for now, a month from now, it doesn’t matter. It’s still the same process.

QueenBee52 · 12/08/2021 18:33

you are sitting waiting on Him resolving your problem... its never gonna happen...

Take control 🌸

LittleMG · 12/08/2021 19:22

Op you must do something you can’t live like that. You need to really be drastic if need be. Is there any family u can stay with? Could you sort out another property and just walk out one day? But you can’t live like this it sounds unbearable. Sad

YukoandHiro · 12/08/2021 19:35

OP how long is left on the contract? Can you make plans to leave with your 3 DC? Can you find somewhere smaller and cheaper to rent in tori own name?

Then what he does with the house and his DD is up to him.

letmethinkaboutitfornow · 12/08/2021 20:30

@lannistunut

*Once he is off the tenancy, you will have the right to.

It sounds like you don't want to*

It smells fishy! I agree - attention seeking? 🤷🏻‍♀️ She wants to play the victim while it’s her choice 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️