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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to look into pressing charges.

115 replies

jellypopmummy · 11/08/2021 23:43

My DD11 goes to a youth club which has some kids with asn. Tonight at the end of summer trip one of the older kids Boy, 14 (I think) was pestering her and her friends, being a bit abusive My daughter got up to move away and he pushed her down and pulled at her legs while she was on the floor. She managed to get up and he continued to try and get her legs to knock her back down and her friends got between to let her get a bit of distance. He kept coming eventually putting her in a choke hold, punching her neck and face, getting her down and kicking her full force in the back. Eventually she with her friends help got to the youth group leaders and he was separated from the group and parents called to collect him.

Her friends mum dropped her off but was unaware of all this happening until my daughter and her friend told us what happened. I immediately messaged the leader asking what had happened etc. She phoned me and explained what they were aware of. Turns out as she was upset my DD didn't explain the full incident so they only knew of 1 punch and a kick not the beating on the floor etc. I said it seemed like a pretty serious assault, my DD has a bruise on her cheek, scrapes on her knee and shoulders and her back is sore and that my DH and I were considering contacting the police as while I understood the boy had ASN it was a really violent incident and I couldn't just excuse it. The group are going to contact his parents to advise of the full issue.

My DD has a session tomorrow (different group so the boy won't be there) and has been asked to give details of the stuff they were unaware of for the incident report. My DH and I have decided to look at martial art classes to build her confidence (she pushed him off her and tried to defend herself) but WIBU to take it further with the police.

OP posts:
Jaguar77 · 12/08/2021 08:26

Your daughter is attackef and your first instinct is to post on MM.?

Tiana4 · 12/08/2021 08:36

I don't think PPs should be criticising OP right now. It's unkind and unsupportive.

It isn't something many parents usually (nor expect) ever have to deal with. The youth club minimised it or didn't know full extent of assault. Regardless OP should have been called immediately. Their safeguarding practice sucks as this is a minor child seriously assaulted - it's a big breach of the local authority safeguarding procedures of which all voluntary childcare providers are partners to, and they will be playing catch up right now...

So - at least OP did something. She suppprted her DD listened to her, cuddled her and then she asked what should she do from a forum that is known for range of experiences and professionals who were awake at the time - MNers have helped her get clarity to further support her DD.

AgentJohnson · 12/08/2021 08:44

I’d also report and I’d be asking where the fuck the group leaders were for a sustained attack to happen without them knowing.

My Ex assaulted me and although it felt like a long time it probably lasted less than two minutes. At these kids ages, the idea that they should be under near constant supervision is unrealistic and not in their developmental interests.

OP I am sorry that this happened to your DD and to her friends having to witness it. A violent assault is a violent assault no matter who commits it and it needs to be taken very very seriously. The goal here should be to minimise this from happening again and to support your DD through the trauma. Talk to Police and to the staff and hopefully this awful experience will be resolved to something close to you and your DD’s satisfaction.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 12/08/2021 08:46

YANBU. These bloody camps can be toxic. About 25 years ago, my mum's friend waxed lyrical about one her daughter attended, so my mum said I could go for a few days. It was called 'Pathfinders' or 'Trailblazers' or some such shite, but it still managed to elude us that it was 'goddy' 😒 It wasn't quite as bad as the US Bible Belt ones, but it was pretty sanctimonious and dreary. Worst of all was that a terrifying proportion the boys were violent lunatics and sex pests. My friend and I got into a fight with some over a tetherball set, and they punched us in the face and one tried to jam his hand down my pants. We somehow got in more trouble despite having blood running down our faces and their being unmarked.
Never forgotten it. They're probably youth pastors now, the perverted shits.

Heyha · 12/08/2021 08:50

I disagree @AgentJohnson it says they were out on a trip and they know they have young people with ASN so should have risk assessed that in terms of supervision. If I'd been leading that trip as a teacher (unless it actually happened back at the base at the end of the trip, that's a little different) I'd be expecting to be suspended in order for there to be an investigation, potentially with no further action depending on the details uncovered by that process.

Lalliella · 12/08/2021 08:54

That’s awful. Your poor DD. Definitely police.

AnneElliott · 12/08/2021 08:56

I agree you should call the police op. And I hope your DD is ok. I also think the leaders of the group are at fault here - I do scouting and I'd be horrified if one of ours has been able to inflict that level of assault without us intervening.

muddyford · 12/08/2021 08:56

It's assault, perhaps with sexual motives. I wouldn't care who it was, I would want to be sure it wouldn't happen again to anyone. Your daughter is the victim, not the boy who did it.

ohthatbloodycat · 12/08/2021 08:57

Do it, OP Thanks

humadum · 12/08/2021 09:02

My, now adult, son was involved in an incident which required police intervention (he was the perpetrator). He has autism and mental health difficulties. As other posters have said, police intervention allowed our son to access the help he needed (and was refusing).

The police will also have someone who will be trained in speaking to a child. I would report this to the police.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/08/2021 09:09

No, he is at a different school

So he could be in a position to do the same to somebody else's 11 year old daughter. Or a small female member of staff. But if it's reported, his school DSL and Head will be made aware and this could mean that they can take steps to ensure he is not left unsupervised. Or it proves what they've been saying all along.

Gazelda · 12/08/2021 09:16

@Jaguar77

Your daughter is attackef and your first instinct is to post on MM.?
That's unfair and unsupportive. And untrue - the op has been supporting her DD all evening and only posted on MN, presumably after her DD had gone to bed, to clarify her thinking.

Why do some posters seem to want to judge rather than support?

BigMamaFratelli · 12/08/2021 09:24

Yes I'd report it. Also make sure you get plenty of photos of her injuries and if you can get her checked out by a doctor as that will officially document them.

Hope she's okFlowers

SunsetandCupcakes · 12/08/2021 09:28

@Jaguar77

Your daughter is attackef and your first instinct is to post on MM.?
This is unhelpful, sometimes even as adults we feel out of our depths and having a place to order our thoughts and get advice really helps. Just because you would be decisive and sure of your actions doesn't mean others would.
pinkyredrose · 12/08/2021 09:36

I will reach out tomorrow to the police to discuss their thoughts

Don't 'reach out' and 'discuss' Hmm

Your daughter has been seriously assaulted, you need to report this boy immediately. Do you want your daughter to think she can be beaten up with no consequences for the perpetrator?

Amima · 12/08/2021 09:37

At these kids ages, the idea that they should be under near constant supervision is unrealistic
I disagree very strongly. Sometimes people with mental disabilities and violent tendencies need to be under constant supervision regardless of their age. Look at the Tate Pusher for example - he can never be left unsupervised unless he’s securely locked up. This boy needs to be known to police and he needs to be assessed as to what level of risk he poses to the public.

Iwonder08 · 12/08/2021 10:17

OP, why do you even have doubts? Your daughter has been physically attacked. The boy's special needs have absolutely no relevance whatsoever and not of your concern. It is your job to protect her and follow up with police. What message do you give her? That people are allowed to assault her if they have mental health issues?

Whyo · 12/08/2021 10:39

On the presumption you’re living in England/Wales as PP have described the decision to “press charges” isn’t one for you to make so don’t worry about that aspect.

I think you should report to police however the chances of him being charged is extremely low. The chances of a court hearing is almost non-existent. The system in its current form is designed to keep youths out of it, except in the most severe cases (a 14 year old male attaching an 11 year old girl is of course severe and traumatic, but serious within the scope of guidelines is instances requiring hospitalisation). It’s not a case of nothing will happen but he is likely to be assigned a social worker to meet periodically to ensure he’s supported. He may also be cautioned/warning.

I say this to manage any concerns you or your daughter may have re court - this isn’t likely to be something that happens. Reporting it to police confirms to her it’s unacceptable for anyone to do that to her, and may trigger better support. I hope she’s feeling better soon.

I would be then be taking advice on the centre as their systems and policies don’t appear to be adequate.

Original poster
jellypopmummy · 12/08/2021 10:41

@Tiana4

I don't think PPs should be criticising OP right now. It's unkind and unsupportive.

It isn't something many parents usually (nor expect) ever have to deal with. The youth club minimised it or didn't know full extent of assault. Regardless OP should have been called immediately. Their safeguarding practice sucks as this is a minor child seriously assaulted - it's a big breach of the local authority safeguarding procedures of which all voluntary childcare providers are partners to, and they will be playing catch up right now...

So - at least OP did something. She suppprted her DD listened to her, cuddled her and then she asked what should she do from a forum that is known for range of experiences and professionals who were awake at the time - MNers have helped her get clarity to further support her DD.

Thanks for the support. Kinda started reading through these and have felt like shit this morning. My DD was hesitant and looked upset at the mention of police. I dropped the subject and focused on spending time with her. Guess that makes me a shit mum for taking time to calm and make her feel better. I by no means was waiting for permission from the club to call the police, more does my daughter want the additional upset. As for the club, the centre they were visiting was a soft play. Being a parent I know how many nooks there are in those things. Yes they should have done more but they were on it as soon as it became known. Not defending, just from experience I know what the area is like. But thanks to those who offered constructive help. I'm going to leave it there.
OP posts:
DeflatedGinDrinker · 12/08/2021 11:27

No don't report just get her to speak to strangers on mn that will solve it.

thelegohooverer · 12/08/2021 12:21

I think you’re doing a good job at supporting your dd.

I’m just going to add, as a parent up a dc with sn, that reporting this incident could be beneficial to the boy as it might help his dps access more help.

Most people have no concept of how hard it is to get any support. Police involvement will count for more than teachers or parents on their knees begging for help.

I agree however that your priority is to support your dd.

Seesawmummadaw · 12/08/2021 12:31

My son has autism. If he ever attacked anyone like this (he has been violent to me in the past) he wouldn’t be going to a youth group and I would call the police myself.

I hope your daughter is okay.

dadshere · 12/08/2021 12:39

He assaulted her. Period. He needs to be held accountable for that now, before he does something worse. If he cannot control himself, he should not be out in public without a carer.

Amima · 12/08/2021 12:52

I think you should report to police however the chances of him being charged is extremely low
This is why OP needs a restraining order to protect her child. A violent person doesn’t commit one attack then stop.

If he cannot control himself, he should not be out in public without a carer
This.

eeek88 · 12/08/2021 13:16

Ask her what she wants to do and make it clear that going to the police is an option. Talk her through what this would involve.

I was assaulted in a similar way as a young adult. Completely unprovoked, he just pinned me down and tried to suffocate me with a pillow. It never occurred to me to go to the police and that is one of my biggest regrets, because he continued to cause me distress by coming round to my house (housemates were spineless and were ok with it even though I told them and him that he wasn’t welcome), and I’m certain he continued to assault women and is probably still doing it now. He has left the country permanently now so I’ve missed my chance.

I wish I’d been around people who had taken this seriously. Instead I felt gaslighted by my whole social circle.