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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want constant parenting advice?

126 replies

qwerty992 · 11/08/2021 08:49

Have name changed for this.

I have one DS2 and my partner doesn't have any children. He is my ex boyfriend (previously together for a year) and we have now been seeing each other again after a year apart. It has been six months of seeing each other now.

My son's behaviour at bedtime has got much worse, consistently getting out of bed, running around, generally not listening. I have tried a few methods and they hadn't fully cracked down on the problem yet.

DP suggested I lock him in his room, but I said I do not want to do that. After this, he did some research on squashing the behaviour(four videos and a few articles) and sent me a method where you lock children in their room every time they get out of bed, I think for around two minutes. I told him I had skimmed the videos but not watched them in depth.

DP sees some of DS but not a lot, he recently moved 90 miles away for the year and before this, if he would see him it would usually be for a couple of hours in the evening, he doesn't have much of a relationship witH DS which is obviously expected at this stage.

Last night, DS was misbehaving and swinging on of his door and I was pulling on the other side of the door and DP went to the toilet at this time and saw me doing this. Once DS was back in bed he was shouting for me to give him his blanket that was on the floor, I went in and gave him the blanket.

DP told me that this was wrong and I shouldn't give in to any last minute requests and should be consistent, I said "I'm not interested in what you have to say", he carried on explaining what I should be doing and what he has researched, whilst I repeated "I'm not interested in what you have to say" about ten times. I then said something like "you're wasting your time I'm not listening to anything you're saying". It's not the first time he's given me parenting advice.

He feels I have been rude, which I may have been, and that he is trying to help me and has done his research. He said he carried on giving advice whilst I was saying to stop, because I didn't explain to him why I didn't want to listen to his parenting advice and he didn't realise I wasn't doing the method he had previously sent me, so was trying to tell me how to do it correctly.

He said I am a sensitive parent and biased towards my son. There has also been talk of him potentially moving in next year, and he says he doesn't want to have no input on DS behaviours if he ends up living here.

I was offended because I was receiving frequent, unsolicited parenting advice and felt insulted that he was acting as if I hadn't done my own research, or that he thought he knew better.

He feels like I have vilified him. DS came in the bedroom this morning and asked DP for a cuddle and DP said (after we had been arguing) "I'm not sure your mummy will allow it" in a sarcastic voice. He said he is not being reasonable after how I've been. He's really upset with me.

AIBU?

OP posts:
qwerty992 · 11/08/2021 08:50

I should add DS is nearly 3 and quite advanced, so understands a lot.

OP posts:
OoglyMoogly · 11/08/2021 08:54

Last night, DS was misbehaving and swinging on of his door and I was pulling on the other side of the door

This makes it into a game for your DS.

You should just go in, put DS back into bed, say "it's bedtime" and not engage any more.

The more you react to his swinging on the door by pulling on the other side, he sees it as fun.

Sorry I know you don't want parenting advice.

Thesearmsofmine · 11/08/2021 08:56

Honestly if one of his ideas was locking your child in their room then I would be ending the relationship.

Vallmo47 · 11/08/2021 08:56

The last part really stuck out for me, as your DP clearly thinks it’s good parenting to put your child in the middle of an argument, but not okay for you to put your child to bed the way you’d like it done. I don’t like that behaviour one bit, arguments are between adults full stop and you should both do your absolute best so the child remains unaware.
As for the rest - of course he’s allowed to give useful advice if and when you are asking for it, but it sounds like it goes beyond that to me and he’s trying to force you to do something you’re not happy to do. I wouldn’t want to lock my child in their room either.

I would have a serious word with him Op. Useful advice is welcome but you’re fully entitled to not listen to it. I hope bedtimes improve soon, I had absolute hell with my daughter to the point a neighbour moved!

Jobsharenightmare · 11/08/2021 08:57

Hi OP

My advice is you need to address the cause of this behaviour, and see it as a symptom of your child feeling justifiably unsettled. This isn't the problem but his unconscious way of communicating a problem to you. I wouldn't like to say how much your partner is contributing to that. I certainly wouldn't want him to give parenting advice and of course he is out of line to be rude to you and call you names because you ask him not to tell you how to handle this.

As well as locking him in, the below is a red flag to me; it suggests he is immature and a poor role model for your son to me:
DS...asked DP for a cuddle and DP said (after we had been arguing) "I'm not sure your mummy will allow it" in a sarcastic voice.

GetTaeFuck · 11/08/2021 08:57

Dump him - he thinks locking a 2YO in his bedroom is a good parenting thing? Absolutely fucking not.

Pissinthepottyplease · 11/08/2021 08:59

@Thesearmsofmine

Honestly if one of his ideas was locking your child in their room then I would be ending the relationship.
I agree. How long has this man been around your child? You have been seeing him again for 6 months and already your son knows he is staying over - this maybe the source of the problems in his behaviour but messing around at bedtime is a typical preschool behaviour too.
vodkaredbullgirl · 11/08/2021 08:59

Your partner wants you to lock your child in his room Shock

qwerty992 · 11/08/2021 08:59

@GetTaeFuck

Dump him - he thinks locking a 2YO in his bedroom is a good parenting thing? Absolutely fucking not.
It's what he has read/watched on YouTube. He did a generic search on bedtime behaviour and this is what he found.
OP posts:
qwerty992 · 11/08/2021 09:00

I should also add, locking in his room by holding the other side of the door so he can't get out every time he gets out of bed/his room.

OP posts:
romdowa · 11/08/2021 09:03

I find all sorts online but my common sense tells me usually if it's a good idea or not. I wouldn't have anyone around my child if they thought locking them in their bedroom was a good idea, no matter if jesus himself suggested it to them .

TheRabbitStoleMyHat · 11/08/2021 09:03

@qwerty992

I should also add, locking in his room by holding the other side of the door so he can't get out every time he gets out of bed/his room.
That’s fucking awful! He’s 2, how on earth would that help apart from making him terrified. FFS.
Thesearmsofmine · 11/08/2021 09:04

You can find pretty much anything online. It’s telling to me that this is the method he picked up on rather than one of the many gentler ideas around parenting.

dangerrabbit · 11/08/2021 09:04

Imagine how controlling he would be if you shared a child.

DeadButDelicious · 11/08/2021 09:04

He thinks locking a two year old in his room is a reasonable course of action because he 'researched it'.

He's trying to influence how you parent YOUR child.

He involved a two year old in a disagreement between adults.

No. Throw him in the bin OP.

5475878237NC · 11/08/2021 09:05

Get rid of this man!

Brefugee · 11/08/2021 09:05

You don't want parenting advice from anyone or just your BF? Because it really looks as though you need to get control of bedtimes.

But. Don't move in with someone if you don't agree on how to parent. I don't think it would BU for anyone living with this disruption to want it to stop. You are not BU to want to do things your way. The two aren't really compatible

FuckMeGentlyWithAChainsaw · 11/08/2021 09:05

@Thesearmsofmine

Honestly if one of his ideas was locking your child in their room then I would be ending the relationship.
I actually agree. I couldn’t be with someone who has ideas like that. Both of mine would have been so frightened to be locked in even if it was only for a couple of minutes- to the point of hysteria possibly. Not very calming at all for bedtime! And more to the point, very cruel.
Notimeforaname · 11/08/2021 09:07

he says he doesn't want to have no input on DS behaviours if he ends up living here

This is fucking mental?????? Its not his child! This is controlling.

MsIreneWinters · 11/08/2021 09:08

There's no way this man would be moving in with me and my small child.

Notimeforaname · 11/08/2021 09:08

So many red flags

qwerty992 · 11/08/2021 09:11

@Brefugee

You don't want parenting advice from anyone or just your BF? Because it really looks as though you need to get control of bedtimes.

But. Don't move in with someone if you don't agree on how to parent. I don't think it would BU for anyone living with this disruption to want it to stop. You are not BU to want to do things your way. The two aren't really compatible

I do need to get control of bedtimes. I recently bought a sticker reward chart which is helping some. I have done my own research and found methods that I want to use.
OP posts:
Lavender24 · 11/08/2021 09:12

He's only a little kid - they generally don't like going to bed. My DD is three and if she dropped her blanket I wouldn't hesitate to go and pick it up for her.

converseandjeans · 11/08/2021 09:13

He said I am a sensitive parent and biased towards my son

This stands out as he thinks you should take sides. Please don't move this man in to your child's home as he clearly sees your son as a threat. He wants you to prioritise him rather than DS.

I would be interested to know whether DS plays up more when boyfriend is there?

I would never lock a small child in a room. I've never seen it recommended anywhere!

Camomila · 11/08/2021 09:14

I would lose the 'D'P and not lock my 2 year old in a room by themselves.