To not want constant parenting advice?

[qwerty992]

Have name changed for this.

I have one DS2 and my partner doesn't have any children. He is my ex boyfriend (previously together for a year) and we have now been seeing each other again after a year apart. It has been six months of seeing each other now.

My son's behaviour at bedtime has got much worse, consistently getting out of bed, running around, generally not listening. I have tried a few methods and they hadn't fully cracked down on the problem yet.

DP suggested I lock him in his room, but I said I do not want to do that. After this, he did some research on squashing the behaviour(four videos and a few articles) and sent me a method where you lock children in their room every time they get out of bed, I think for around two minutes. I told him I had skimmed the videos but not watched them in depth.

DP sees some of DS but not a lot, he recently moved 90 miles away for the year and before this, if he would see him it would usually be for a couple of hours in the evening, he doesn't have much of a relationship witH DS which is obviously expected at this stage.

Last night, DS was misbehaving and swinging on of his door and I was pulling on the other side of the door and DP went to the toilet at this time and saw me doing this. Once DS was back in bed he was shouting for me to give him his blanket that was on the floor, I went in and gave him the blanket.

DP told me that this was wrong and I shouldn't give in to any last minute requests and should be consistent, I said "I'm not interested in what you have to say", he carried on explaining what I should be doing and what he has researched, whilst I repeated "I'm not interested in what you have to say" about ten times. I then said something like "you're wasting your time I'm not listening to anything you're saying". It's not the first time he's given me parenting advice.

He feels I have been rude, which I may have been, and that he is trying to help me and has done his research. He said he carried on giving advice whilst I was saying to stop, because I didn't explain to him why I didn't want to listen to his parenting advice and he didn't realise I wasn't doing the method he had previously sent me, so was trying to tell me how to do it correctly.

He said I am a sensitive parent and biased towards my son. There has also been talk of him potentially moving in next year, and he says he doesn't want to have no input on DS behaviours if he ends up living here.

I was offended because I was receiving frequent, unsolicited parenting advice and felt insulted that he was acting as if I hadn't done my own research, or that he thought he knew better.

He feels like I have vilified him. DS came in the bedroom this morning and asked DP for a cuddle and DP said (after we had been arguing) "I'm not sure your mummy will allow it" in a sarcastic voice. He said he is not being reasonable after how I've been. He's really upset with me.

AIBU?

Again, not saying he's not wrong to try and dictate to OP, but just that he sounds typical of someone who doesn't have kids and hasn't been around them much, and it just going by whatever they have read, thinking it will work.

He isn't awful or abusive at all, he is a good partner, and I really like him, we have just unfortunately disagreed on this. It comes from a place of wanting to help.

He originally suggested locking him in, I said I didn't want to do that, so he did some research and found the holding the door method.

You need to fix both issues.

Neither is working.

Suspect binning the relationship will be easier of the two.

He's told you to lock your son in his room and dragged your son into your argument with his nasty sarcastic comment. Get rid.

Locking or trapping your little boy in his room would be terrifying for him and trigger many more unwanted behaviours.

Also your partner sounds very controlling acting shocked 'I didn't realise you weren't following my method' - he obviously didn't seek your feedback in the first place.

And then making out you are the one withholding affection to your son with his 'sarcastic' comment.

Please continue to make your DS your priority. Boyfriends must fit around that now or jog on.

I’ve got mixed feelings on this as well. He doesn’t sound abusive or cruel but his ideas come from the wrong place, they are lacking understanding and respect towards small child.
Also living (or even just dealing) with someone who offers your advice when you haven’t asked them and then expect you to follow their advice is VERY tricky.
And putting a small child in the middle of the row is very wrong.

I think he was your ex boyfriend for a reason.

Locking the door
Holding the door shut

Same fucking thing OP

Isn't what he's suggesting part of Supernanny's "rapid return" thing?

I have done my own research and found methods that I want to use
Sounds good, OP. Good luck (but I still think your partner shouldn't move in)

He feels I have been rude
Of course he does.
He's the type of misogynistic twat who cannot handle assertion from women, so passes it off as "rudeness" or "aggression" - while neatly sidestepping their own appalling rudeness in continuing to harangue you despite being told 10 times that you wanted him to stop.

He said he carried on giving advice whilst I was saying to stop, because I didn't explain to him why I didn't want to listen to his parenting advice
This is VERY worrying.
You don't need to submit "reasons" to him for your boundary.
You don't need to explain it, justify it, or nicely ask for it to be respected.
There is NO WAY he would bully a man like this.
Think about this more - if you said "no" to a sexual advance from him, would it be reasonable to have to explain why?

He said I am a sensitive parent and biased towards my son.
Sounds good to me.
Would sound good to anyone who understands that parenting means our children are our priority.
Again - very worrying that he sees this as an issue, & needs to challenge it.

There has also been talk of him potentially moving in next year, and he says he doesn't want to have no input on DS behaviours if he ends up living here.
Surely this is never going to happen, so it's never going to be an issue?
DO NOT ALLOW THIS SEXIST CREEP ANY AUTHORITY OVER YOUR CHILD FFS.

I was offended because I was receiving frequent, unsolicited parenting advice and felt insulted that he was acting as if I hadn't done my own research, or that he thought he knew better.
Your offence is well founded & entirely reasonable.

He feels like I have vilified him.
He is DARVO'ing you.
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/
He vilified your parenting, vilified your knowledge, & vilified your right to ask him to stop lecturiing you.

DS came in the bedroom this morning and asked DP for a cuddle and DP said (after we had been arguing) "I'm not sure your mummy will allow it" in a sarcastic voice.
Oh fucking hell OP.
He's prepared to play mind games with a small child.
Have you any idea how damaging this sort of crap is?
Do you want you child used as a pawm, manipulated, bullied, & taught that it's fine for an adult to withdraw affection & approval on a whim, to punish mummy?
How long do you think it will be before that punishment extends directly to your son?

He said he is not being reasonable after how I've been.
He's not even upset & lashing out (not that this would be ok either).
He is making a cold, deliberate choice to act out.

He's really upset with me.
No he isn't.
He is furious with you.
He wants tyou to knuckle under & accept his authority over you & your child.

Fuck this manipulative, bullying madman off out of your lives TODAY, OP.
I cannot believe that he has asked you to give him "input of DS's behaviours" - please, let yourself realise how very fucking sinister that ' request' is.
If you let him move in, he won;t be asking permission btw.
He'll be locking your son in his bedroom whenever he feels like it, & to hell with your objections.
The way he talked over you, ignoring your boundary not to bully you over your parenting decisions 10 times for crying out loud shows you EXACTLY how he will treat you & DS if you let him move in.
He thinks he's cock of the walk.

Get rid of him - he's a nightmare waiting to happen.
And for crying out loud - read this, & start getting educated about why certain men behave like this, how to spot the pattern, & extricate yourself from their influence before it's too late -
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

He isn't awful or abusive at all
Come off it OP.
Talking over you, despite being asked to stop, 10 TIMES?
That is awful, & abusive. Wise up.

It comes from a place of wanting to help.
You are minimising.
It comes from a place of wanting to control.

What ChargingBuck said. Only an absolute arsehole tells a two year old mummy might not let him have a cuddle.

The defenders of his totally out of order behaviour are really upsetting.

@qwerty992

He isn't awful or abusive at all, he is a good partner, and I really like him, we have just unfortunately disagreed on this. It comes from a place of wanting to help.

He originally suggested locking him in, I said I didn't want to do that, so he did some research and found the holding the door method.

Did your partner actually bother to check the technique is intended for 2 year old children and not older children?

Some of the parenting techniques advised for getting children to behaviour e.g. time outs, not letting a child out of a room are intended for older children who are more mature plus have no issues with their communication and comprehension. It doesn't matter if your child is slightly more advanced with their communication they are not mature enough for the techniques.

If you plan to stay with this man then you and him need to go to couples counselling to work on your communication with each other, and explain it to him in clear terms that you don't try parenting techniques on a child that is too young for them as it will damage them.

Your DP is being petulant

You don't give parenting "advice" to your partner in front of the child. It creates division and confusion
Your DP can talk to you aside and ahead of time as it's a repressed problem. He has and you decided not to go with his method.

There are other methods as I once tried holding door from the other side it just escalates a determined child and distresses them. I used the "if you don't stay in your bed, then you won't be able to choose your good girl/ good boy going-to-bed-nicely treat the next day" that was far more effective . It was literally jelly teddies in a jar. They either got eaten or put into another jar to add up at end of a week & if there were 7 we went to the local shop (they learnt investment too!) and ate the jelly babies too

It's DPs reaction that is the problem when you ask him to stop. He's creating more stress by banging on when you are trying to deal with your DD. Then how he reacted the other morning to say that to your Dd is rotten as he's taking out his frustration on a little boy that won't understand and will simple feel insecure about him.

You do need to talk to DP, that he's undermining you and whilst you appreciate he's trying to help he's stepping into bullying you at stressful times because you don't agree with you. I'd stop the talk of moving in until you resolve this.

bibidy

How come he's found stuff on locking a child in? A quick Google within ten seconds Ive got reams on gentle methods.
How has he managed to wade through all the gentle stuff to get into restraint punishment type stuff? Why did he ignore the gentle stuff? Why didn't he suggest gentle sleep patterns tweaking or the chair method?
. He wants to make this child suffer, he wants her the mum to punish this naughty child for its (very normal) two year old behavior.

He wants her to side with him and cause this lad pain.
We all know where we this leads...

He said I am a sensitive parent and biased towards my son.

Good. Then you are a good parent OP
I'd say Thank-you to that huge compliment !!!

@LondonGrimmer there are old episodes and small clips of parenting programs like Supernanny on Youtube. They are also US, Canadian, Australian etc editions of various programs.

The bf clearly wasn't doing his research properly as they all make their advice relevant to the age and needs of the individual child. However if you watch a clip instead of an entire episode you may not realise this.

I also think it's completely wrong to suggest locking a 2 year old into their bedroom. It doesn't matter that he "read it online".

Lots of things bothered me about your DP's behaviour, which other posters have mentioned, but another thing that stood out was him saying "he wants the behaviour squashed before he potentially moves in." It suggests he'll have continually difficulty with parenting. There are always challenges when it comes to parenting, but he'll want all challenging behaviour "squashed". It sounds like his way of doing this is to control. It could set up all sorts of future problems for you as a family. I would think very carefully about whether you want him moving in.

Yabu staying with your partner, yes.

DP suggested I lock him in his room, but I said I do not want to do that.

Your instincts are right imo. You don't want your son to think that his bedroom is a scary prison

Last night, DS was misbehaving and swinging on of his door and I was pulling on the other side of the door
This is making bedtime fun. Just don't do this

It's not the first time he's given me parenting advice.
Very annoying but we all think parenting is easy before we become one

He feels I have been rude, which I may have been, and that he is trying to help me and has done his research.
You can find parenting videos from all parenting angles- from smacking through to ignoring them . The YouTube algorithm will suggest videos similar to the one just watched so a video on locking them in will lead to another video on locking them in

He said I am a sensitive parent and biased towards my son.
You're his mum! Of course your son is more important and you'll be sensitive to his needs. Being called a bad parent is one of the worst insults out there

There has also been talk of him potentially moving in next year, and he says he doesn't want to have no input on DS behaviours if he ends up living here.
If he lives with you then he needs to be able to tell your son off or your son will run circles round him. If you don't want that you need to always be around so can correct your son if necessary and never leave them alone. It's like adults at nursery or school having the right to tell the kids off. As the parent you need to do most of the work and lead with method but he needs to have a little input so his quality of family life isn't affected

DS came in the bedroom this morning and asked DP for a cuddle and DP said (after we had been arguing) "I'm not sure your mummy will allow it" in a sarcastic voice. He said he is not being reasonable after how I've been. He's really upset with me.
Major red flags. This is how he'll act if you don't do as he says. He's using your son to control you.

The big problem is even if you could sort out the sleep issue tonight, there's always something else when it comes to kids. Your bf seems to expect your son to be trained like a dog but he's a human. The mucking about at bedtime is annoying but so common. Definitely don't move him in for your son's sake.

Charging buck

Amazing post. It must be difficult for op to read.

I do hope op, when your feelings gave calmed down you can re read this thread and appreciate the time charging buck has taken to write that for you.
Good luck.

Put the child at the centre here. Decide on some strategies for bed time that you are happy with. Children need to feel secure and bedtime behaviour can feel very challenging - adults are tired by then! Stick to what you believe in - always calm, kind, patient but consistent and firm. Your son will benefit from the security that it brings. When things start to improve you will feel more confident and address the other issues with your DP.
This stage doesn’t have to last long - hang in there.

He found the advice online and thought it was appropriate- which shows a complete lack of empathy for your child. He wants behaviour squashed before he moves in, are you prepared to “squash” your child’s spirit for the sake of a man?

You should be a sensitive, attuned parent, that’s what your child needs. I think you’re ignoring some pretty fundamental red flags in your defence of your Partner, it may be worth thinking about why that is.

His bedtime ideas are awful!
You were very rude to him.
Maybe not a great match as you seem to bring out worst in each other rather than the best?

Op, what you don't seem to get.. Is the why he has latched into locking your son in?

Why didn't he bring up the gentle methods.. This is what your not getting.

He's been drawn to a severe restriction response not having earlier naps, not hot bath and milk.. Putting a chair by him and gradually moving the chair away.

Why did he focus on this extreme method.

I'm feeling utter bloody dread for your poorly son. He's a going to do what the fuck he likes behind your back op.
I'm feeling despair and dread for your poor son o really am.

@Panickingpavlova

bibidy

How come he's found stuff on locking a child in? A quick Google within ten seconds Ive got reams on gentle methods.
How has he managed to wade through all the gentle stuff to get into restraint punishment type stuff? Why did he ignore the gentle stuff? Why didn't he suggest gentle sleep patterns tweaking or the chair method?
. He wants to make this child suffer, he wants her the mum to punish this naughty child for its (very normal) two year old behavior.

He wants her to side with him and cause this lad pain.
We all know where we this leads...

I put this in and found the Ferber method of holding the door closed and speaking through it so they still know you're there, etc etc. But either way, obviously it's not meant for a child so young.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying he's right. I just think he sounds like someone who has no experience of children, doesn't get why something like this wouldn't work on a 2yo and is a bit of a know-it-all.

And also not saying he's right at all to try and dictate what OP must do, particularly as they have not been together long and they don't live together.

Just saying I can understand why he reacted negatively to OP's response, IF he genuinely was just thought he was being helpful and there were no other motives.