To not want constant parenting advice?

[qwerty992]

Have name changed for this.

I have one DS2 and my partner doesn't have any children. He is my ex boyfriend (previously together for a year) and we have now been seeing each other again after a year apart. It has been six months of seeing each other now.

My son's behaviour at bedtime has got much worse, consistently getting out of bed, running around, generally not listening. I have tried a few methods and they hadn't fully cracked down on the problem yet.

DP suggested I lock him in his room, but I said I do not want to do that. After this, he did some research on squashing the behaviour(four videos and a few articles) and sent me a method where you lock children in their room every time they get out of bed, I think for around two minutes. I told him I had skimmed the videos but not watched them in depth.

DP sees some of DS but not a lot, he recently moved 90 miles away for the year and before this, if he would see him it would usually be for a couple of hours in the evening, he doesn't have much of a relationship witH DS which is obviously expected at this stage.

Last night, DS was misbehaving and swinging on of his door and I was pulling on the other side of the door and DP went to the toilet at this time and saw me doing this. Once DS was back in bed he was shouting for me to give him his blanket that was on the floor, I went in and gave him the blanket.

DP told me that this was wrong and I shouldn't give in to any last minute requests and should be consistent, I said "I'm not interested in what you have to say", he carried on explaining what I should be doing and what he has researched, whilst I repeated "I'm not interested in what you have to say" about ten times. I then said something like "you're wasting your time I'm not listening to anything you're saying". It's not the first time he's given me parenting advice.

He feels I have been rude, which I may have been, and that he is trying to help me and has done his research. He said he carried on giving advice whilst I was saying to stop, because I didn't explain to him why I didn't want to listen to his parenting advice and he didn't realise I wasn't doing the method he had previously sent me, so was trying to tell me how to do it correctly.

He said I am a sensitive parent and biased towards my son. There has also been talk of him potentially moving in next year, and he says he doesn't want to have no input on DS behaviours if he ends up living here.

I was offended because I was receiving frequent, unsolicited parenting advice and felt insulted that he was acting as if I hadn't done my own research, or that he thought he knew better.

He feels like I have vilified him. DS came in the bedroom this morning and asked DP for a cuddle and DP said (after we had been arguing) "I'm not sure your mummy will allow it" in a sarcastic voice. He said he is not being reasonable after how I've been. He's really upset with me.

AIBU?

So he wants a perfectly behaved quiet child before he moves in then. Good luck with that.

If you resolve the bedtime issue and he moves in how will he react with other issues, the teenage years, etc. Will he expect problems to be sorted by whatever means necessary because they are undesirable to him?

You should be biased to your children and they should always come first. Any new partner who can't see that is only going to cause more stress. In my experience life is simpler as a single parent where you make the decisions and live by the consequences, especially when the sum total of the other persons knowledge and experience comes from google.

You know your DC and what should work best for them.

@5475878237NC

Get rid of this man!

Agreed. He's been back with you just a few months and ( am I right in thinking he's not your ds's dad?) and he wants to parent your ds? Either way, he's giving you rerrible parenting "advice" and scarily has already told you he wants to parent your ds when he moves in. Can imagine how that might go. He's also used a 2 yo as a pawn in his disagreement with you. Get rid.

Thinking again that it's a two year old...that's too young. If they can't understand then it's not a good approach to take.

Giving the benefit of the doubt that this man is not a potential abuser he just sounds like an arse op. I've listened to childless people spout their advice on parenting based on recollections of what their own childhood was like 25 years ago and this would be just as infuriating for me.

And, parenting is an on going struggle, there is no magic recipes to get children to do what we want it's always going to be different struggles, problems, issues..

Sorry to be MN about this but I think him moving in is a really really bad idea. You're going to have to balance your son and your partner if he lives there in a way you don't have to at the moment, and he sounds like he has a totally different approach from you, not surprisingly as he doesn't have any kids.

If you like him then sure go on seeing him, but why move him in to your son's life?

Red flags:

• saying he wants thus squashed as if bedtimes will be fixed forever now
• involving your son in the argument the next day
• choosing the method of locking your son in his room over the many other methods available
• saying you are "biased" towards your son as if he's in a competition and trying to win against a toddler
• not listening to you multiple times when you said you didn't want advice
• not respecting the fact that you had already done your own research and know what you are doing

Who cares if you were supposedly rude? Big deal, you were dealing with your young child att and he was chewing your ear? He shouldn't have any say in parenting your ds. Maybe you do need some advice on bedtimes but definitely not from him. Stop worrying about being rude, be a bit more "rude" and dump him.

[quote Megan2018]@qwerty992 it doesn’t matter where he got the idea? Do you not get it?? Jesus christ. Your poor child. Get a grip woman.[/quote]
Yes, OP, you keep saying it ‘wasn’t his idea’, ‘he researched it’, ‘it was on the internet’ etc — it doesn’t matter! The internet similarly has people frothing about how Jews caused 9/11, single mothers should be sterilised, and the royal family are lizards. This is the piece of ‘advice’ your boyfriend selected from his ‘researches’ — it’s cruel, stupid, and not anything that should be advocated by any adult.

He sounds awful, and in your shoes I would be doing the best for both my child and myself and ditching him pronto.

As someone who was locked in their room as a child and is absolutely fucking scarred by it, do not do this, please just don't.

We can give your partner something to read on the internet. This thread.

A two year old needs you when they are being disruptive and badly behaved. That's there way of telling you. They need you to be with them - firm but there.

How is a two year old going to figure out to regulate their behavior when locked in a room by themselves? They don't have the brains for it yet. Think of all the things a two year old cannot do yet.

You have to be there with a child to discipline them. Locking the door is just a cruel punishment.

And if this is where your partners punishments begin, where do they end? Likely only to escalate from here.

*their way

I think you do need to address your DS's bdhzviouf problems which don't actually sound that bad to me. The boyfriend needs to go. He sounds a real pain in the neck.

Bringing this man into your son's home is a danger to him. He deserves to feel safe, not have some aggressive 'ex' coming in demanding he be locked in his room.

Dump him again. He is not safe around your child.

I disagree on classifying ops son has having behavior problems.

He is 2! It's what 2 years old do!

I work with parents of children under 5 and facilitate a science-led parenting programme... No way in the world would we ever advocate locking or trapping a child anywhere!! How would YOU feel if this happened to YOU? What was the name of this YouTube "research" / method please so I can have a look and be mindful of anyone I work with coming across it??

Like others have said, there is a list of red flags growing, inc not listening to you or supporting you. I'd seriously consider ending the relationship and find someone more like you, ie sensitive and caring...

FYI op, I ve just googled, sleep training for 2 year old and immediately got stuff about hot baths, milk, less earlier naps in the day, the chair method (sit by them but gradually move the chair away) etc.
Nothing about locking kids in.
I'd ask him where in all that he unmanaged to find a type of restraint punishment method in how research?

Mixed views on this.

On the one hand, locking a small child in their room is just cruel and plain stupid. I wouldn't move anyone into my home who thought that was a good idea.

On the other hand, from what you've said he doesn't sound awful and abusive, more annoying and a bit of a know-it-all. Typical non-parent with perfect imaginary children who hasn't had to parent real-world kids for any length of time. Also, bedtime is a very emotive time as everyone's a bit tired and fed up by then.

He's right on one thing, though. If he does move in, you'll need to parent your child effectively as a team. Yes, you're the actual parent and you're in charge, but you need consistent rules and boundaries in your home that can be enforced (gently and appropriately) by all adults living there.

On balance, it doesn't sound like a good idea if he can't accept that your parenting rules go.

@Bbq1

Who cares if you were supposedly rude? Big deal, you were dealing with your young child att and he was chewing your ear? He shouldn't have any say in parenting your ds. Maybe you do need some advice on bedtimes but definitely not from him. Stop worrying about being rude, be a bit more "rude" and dump him.

This would have been my advice too.

Allowing this man to move in with you in the next year is looking like a very bad idea.

I think you were both wrong, assuming you both want to continue this relationship.

I think your response was really rude and would be what I'd expect someone to respond to a random stranger coming and giving them unsolicited parenting advice, not a partner. I am not surprised he is upset, my DP has children and if he ever spoke to me like this I would have upped and left. In your bf's head, he has only researched techniques to help you with a problem you are struggling to handle, and you've been very rude and dismissive in return, and basically told him his opinion means nothing to you.

HOWEVER, he is also wrong to try and dictate your parenting to you and insist you do what he suggests, particularly when he doesn't even live with you so it must barely affect him. He also needs to learn to tread carefully in this relationship as he is not your son's parent - it is OK to share articles and advice but not to try and force you to do as he thinks is correct.

Basically, I just think he needs to back off a bit and not insist he knows better, but also that there was a better way you could have had this conversation with him rather than absolutely battering him over the head with the fact that his opinion doesn't matter and you couldn't care less what he thinks.

Maybe explain to him that you're grateful for the research and his efforts in trying to help, but you know your son and you need to decide what works best for him as his mother?

So much of this rings alarm bells. Locking or holding the door shut on a 2 year old?! Seriously?! A 2 year old is still a baby! Getting up and messing about is a means of communicating with you. What message does a child get when you hold or lock the door shut on them? Bloody hell.

As for being biased about your child, of course you bloody are and so you should be! My ds is 6 and one of my most important jobs is to be his voice and protector. Your DP should not be in competition with a 2 year old for any reason.

Your DP sounds like a know it all who honestly knows sod all about child rearing and he also sounds like a shit communicator. This wanting to quash behaviour would be a big red flag to me. I think I've said this once before but get rid @qwerty992

An opinion from someone who wanted to lock my toddler in her room would mean nothing to me either. It’s barbaric.

He’s also not a partner of any sort. He’s a short term casual boyfriend who doesn’t spend much time with OP’s son yet feels he has a right to dictate her parenting and issue threats about making her transform her son.

He’s clueless, arrogant, cruel, shockingly entitled.

He's right on one thing, though. If he does move in, you'll need to parent your child effectively as a team. Yes, you're the actual parent and you're in charge, but you need consistent rules and boundaries in your home that can be enforced (gently and appropriately) by all adults living there.

Agree with this, I think you need to think really carefully about whether it's a good idea to move in together.

You need to be able to work together and compromise in order to successfully live together and at the moment it sounds like you would struggle to take his input into anything to do with your son, and this wouldn't be fair.

Not saying he's not at fault for trying to dictate to you, he is, but I also think Goldbar is right in that he's just doing what many not-yet-parents do and assuming everything is textbook and can be sorted by following articles and guidance. I don't think he's trying to be spiteful.

How is it not spiteful to suggest locking a toddler in his room?! It’s the very definition of spiteful! It’s really properly shocking. That stuff is what childline adverts are made of.

Ffs OP, you cannot lock or hold the bedroom on a 2YO.

It’s chilling. I’d report you if you were my friend and told me that.

@AnneLovesGilbert

How is it not spiteful to suggest locking a toddler in his room?! It’s the very definition of spiteful! It’s really properly shocking. That stuff is what childline adverts are made of.

OP has said he doesn't mean actually lock him in, just hold the door closed for a couple of minutes so he can't keep walking out of his bedroom every time he gets out of bed.

It's just something he has seen recommended in parenting videos/articles or whatever to help with restless bedtimes, it doesn't sound like he's saying just lock the door and leave him to it, which I agree would be spiteful and wrong.

Also, OP calls him her DP and says they are talking about living together next year so I think it's fair to call him her partner.