To not want constant parenting advice?

[qwerty992]

Have name changed for this.

I have one DS2 and my partner doesn't have any children. He is my ex boyfriend (previously together for a year) and we have now been seeing each other again after a year apart. It has been six months of seeing each other now.

My son's behaviour at bedtime has got much worse, consistently getting out of bed, running around, generally not listening. I have tried a few methods and they hadn't fully cracked down on the problem yet.

DP suggested I lock him in his room, but I said I do not want to do that. After this, he did some research on squashing the behaviour(four videos and a few articles) and sent me a method where you lock children in their room every time they get out of bed, I think for around two minutes. I told him I had skimmed the videos but not watched them in depth.

DP sees some of DS but not a lot, he recently moved 90 miles away for the year and before this, if he would see him it would usually be for a couple of hours in the evening, he doesn't have much of a relationship witH DS which is obviously expected at this stage.

Last night, DS was misbehaving and swinging on of his door and I was pulling on the other side of the door and DP went to the toilet at this time and saw me doing this. Once DS was back in bed he was shouting for me to give him his blanket that was on the floor, I went in and gave him the blanket.

DP told me that this was wrong and I shouldn't give in to any last minute requests and should be consistent, I said "I'm not interested in what you have to say", he carried on explaining what I should be doing and what he has researched, whilst I repeated "I'm not interested in what you have to say" about ten times. I then said something like "you're wasting your time I'm not listening to anything you're saying". It's not the first time he's given me parenting advice.

He feels I have been rude, which I may have been, and that he is trying to help me and has done his research. He said he carried on giving advice whilst I was saying to stop, because I didn't explain to him why I didn't want to listen to his parenting advice and he didn't realise I wasn't doing the method he had previously sent me, so was trying to tell me how to do it correctly.

He said I am a sensitive parent and biased towards my son. There has also been talk of him potentially moving in next year, and he says he doesn't want to have no input on DS behaviours if he ends up living here.

I was offended because I was receiving frequent, unsolicited parenting advice and felt insulted that he was acting as if I hadn't done my own research, or that he thought he knew better.

He feels like I have vilified him. DS came in the bedroom this morning and asked DP for a cuddle and DP said (after we had been arguing) "I'm not sure your mummy will allow it" in a sarcastic voice. He said he is not being reasonable after how I've been. He's really upset with me.

AIBU?

DS came in the bedroom this morning and asked DP for a cuddle and DP said (after we had been arguing) "I'm not sure your mummy will allow it" in a sarcastic voice. He said he is not being reasonable after how I've been. He's really upset with me.

I’ve been married for over a decade and my marriage would be over in an instant if my DH did that to my child.

Withholding affection - because you’d been arguing over him - is a cruel and nasty thing to do. It’s punishment for the child causing the argument as well as punishing you for not following his demands so you get to see that taken out in your child.

There are massive red flags waving at you @qwerty992.

Why did you split up previously?

If someone suggested locking my child in

I'd be bloody rude to them as well, it's good op as been rude, she's defending a boundary.

If someone dared to suggest locking my dc in I'd go mad.

It's also quite possible he searched 'locking a child in' or 'getting tough at bedtime' or discussed it with his mum- what's her parenting like? - and she reminisced about bedtimes with him.

Bibdy

You put "what" in?

What exactly?

I put in what I said earlier and got pages of gentle methods...
Why pick out a severe one that involves locking a child in?

Why not the chair method, the sleep earlier method, wear them out in the day more method any of the endless other methods... Can't you seen this??

Sleep training methods for two year old doesn't bring up anything in a huge list that mentions the ferber method.

With the the amount of small children getting killed recently by step fathers/boyfriends id be absolutely certain before you let him move in.

I'll give my view, FWIW, as a step parent who started out as a partner:

Do I sometimes think my DH is not choosing the best methods to deal with a situation or behaviour? Of course. Even together parents disagree about these things.

Would I say anything in front of my DSD? No. It's not helpful to undermine DH.

The only time I'd really get involved would be a situation where I or someone in my care i.e niece, nephew, pet etc were directly impacted. So if DSD pinched my niece (thankfully she wouldn't do that!) and DH didn't say anything I would definitely speak up. Equally if niece pinched DSD and my brother/SIL didn't say anything I would speak up. Or if DSD was breaking my stuff (she doesn't do this either as she's a lovely kid!) etc.

In your situation, I would have said to DH have you tried x, y or z method. If he said no, I'd leave it at that.

He has no place to be insisting on it and getting annoyed at you for not trying it.

I’m glad you didn’t lock him in SS would take a very dim view of this if you did.
Does you son do this when DP isn’t there? If not he is probably doing it for attention from you which is understandable. Bed times need to be relaxing and quiet times.

If I had a partner suggest locking my child in a bedroom, then keep bringing it up after I'd already said no, then keep banging on about it after I'd repeatedly told him to stop, while I was actively trying to deal with a difficult situation at the time... I'd have been a lot bloody ruder.

Yanbu. Don't prioritise the feelings of this man over your son's wellbeing. He is 2yo. Of course he is going to play up, of course he wants/needs mummy at bedtime. Also, having attended a fair amount of safeguarding training over the years, no way in hell should you be locking your child in their room. Locks on children's rooms are actually considered "red flags" to child protection organisations. If he goes to nursery/pre school/school now or in the future and says "mummy locks me in my room at night", that would be a definite referral.

This relationship is doomed. Please put your child ahead of this man.

Your partners approach to you and your child are very concerning. You need to put your child first and I don't think you'll be able to do that with this man.

My ds at 2 nearly 3 would get out of bed several times a night and as his parents we both found it frustrating but persevered and he did eventually sleep through. It was a long hard slog though.

I would never have considered locking him in his room and although it was inconvenient, he is our son and part of the parcel. I would be aghast if my dh has suggested something like that.

He is right in that he should have some say in parenting techniques if he is going to move in with you both but you have to be on the same page to begin with.

You were rude in constantly saying you weren't listening to him and your swinging on the otherwise of the door clearly didn't work. I think you need to do your own research with regards to sleeping techniques, decide what will work for you and follow through. At his age consistency is key. Could it be that he is more unsettled since you started seeing your partner again? As for being biased towards your son, well so what, most parents will always put the child first and there isn't anything wrong with that. It isn't him vs your son. I'd hold off on moving him in.

@Ourlady

Do not have this man move in with you and your child He is not father material How you raise your child is nothing whatsoever to do with him. Have a serious think if this is really what you want on a long term basis. He sounds like a controlling knob.

This.

His nasty, sarcastic remark this morning to your son would be enough for most women.

Get rid.

He originally suggested locking him in, I said I didn't want to do that, so he did some research and found the holding the door method.

Which is just so much better?

OP in your latest post you said that your DP suggested locking your child in and then when you told him you weren't doing that he found a "method" of locking your child in. So he didn't listen to you at all. That also explains why he found that utterly unacceptable method instead of one of the many gentle methods that are suitable for a tiny child. It's really concerning that he persisted in this way to find that particular support for his argument when you had said no.

He said I am a sensitive parent and biased towards my son
You should be biased towards your son, he is far more important than any boyfriend.

he also wants the behaviour squashed before he potentially moves in next year
What makes him think that this is the only behavioural issue that will ever occur? Children are always pushing boundaries, right up to adulthood. If you let this man move in with you, I can't help wondering how he will react to the next issue, whatever it is going to be.

It comes from a place of wanting to help
The problem is that his idea of helping is telling you what to do and how to discipline your son. Not his son, yours. He doesn't really have any right to do that, or any right to expect you to listen to his judgement on the matter and do what he says.

I would be re-evaluating this relationship if I were you.

Locking a 2yr old in their room based on the advice of some internet Random.. No No and No.
Biased towards your son? Is that a bad thing in his eyes?
I said "I'm not interested in what you have to say", he carried on explaining what I should be doing and what he has researched, whilst I repeated "I'm not interested in what you have to say" about ten times
It may sound rude after you had to say it 10 times whilst he talked over you... hardly creating a calming atmosphere for your child's bedtime. But he's clearly not listening to you.
As for withholding affection to a 2 year old to make a mean point to you. Horrible.
He thinks he is always right and he's a know it all bully. Not great father material.
Wasn't he an Ex for a reason?

I can't get over the biased towards your son comment!!

As if he's a grown adult.

If you don't look at him differently after he wanted you to lock your little boy in his bedroom then you have a very,very serious issue with boundaries-he's your son and he is trying to ram his methods down your throat. He hasn't any children but knows how to parent?! You are doing the best you can and it can take a process of trial and error-he's at an infuriating developmental stage the "terrible twos" and isn't a reflection of your parenting it's a normal stage!

Could your son hear your partner crossly talking over you and repeating his instructions about locking your son in his bedroom.
If he knows all about parenting, hasn't it occured to him that repeating himself over and over in a commanding way is not creating a calm and peaceful atmosphere to make a child feel safe, secure and sleepy.
I'm not surprised your son kicked off. He was probably upset.
Maybe having a resentful person like this around at your child's bedtime is part of what is causing the problem.
Would you trust him to babysit and put your child to bed after this?

Imagine leaving him to babysit in future?! No. Absolutely not.

You shouldn't be holding your 2 year olds bedroom door closed. That's awful. There's plenty of other ways to keep your child in bed, as in, literally picking him up and putting him back every time he gets up. It's tiring but works if you don't cave.

Your boyfriend sounds like a dick, and you don't sound much better to be honest.

Your poor son.

My boyfriend and his 11 Yr old son have moved in with me and my 11 Yr old son ( $). His son $ and I used to get on and the 2 boys get on still. But now ($) doesn't get on with me at all, everytime I try to talk to him ($),I get yelled at by ($), or he starts to cry and then he goes to his room. I ask for some respect, at least a good morning, etc. But I get ignored, blanked and he ($) tries to order me about. His dad and I are working together to try and sort this, but any suggestions would be appreciated. My bf and I have been together for over 7 yrs, so this hasn't been rushed into, and we were (before we lived together) spending 2 or 3 days together most weeks as well. So his son is used to seeing me staying with them overnight etc.

Nikolaev you need to start a new thread as this one was 3 months ago