Mother In Law Issues - HELP!

[newmamabear4]

I am struggling with my MIL so much!! We had our first baby in lockdown last year and sadly that meant she couldn’t see much of our son for the first 6 months. We were limited to walks only and despite telling us she missed him constantly here are some reasons she cancelled walks on me (please keep in mind her husband was WFH at the time) 1. The carpenter is coming. 2. I have to move some logs. 3. The gardener has lit a fire and I can’t leave it. 4. The electrician is coming. This was all after I had been diagnosed with PND too!! So fast forward to present day and no lockdowns and all that missed time. Have we ever been invited over for dinner? No!!! She claws at my son and tries to take over every time I see her. She even takes him out of the room away from me when he gets upset at being taken by her. He’s very attached to me after spending 6 months in lockdown with just me while his Dad was at work. I’m now back working PT and she very very generously offered to have my son 1.5 days a week. This is amazing BUT she ignores my every request. She doesn’t feed him when I ask, she refuses to put him down for a sleep when I say he needs to nap. He comes home covered in food and stains despite us asking a million times to use bibs and try and keep him as neat as possible. He drinks 4 x 5oz bottles a day for us at home, with her she struggles to get 1oz down him. So he’s missing out on 8oz of milk a day on the days he goes to her. Every little noise my son makes she’s rocking him to to sleep! He’s nearly 10 months old and she knows he has 2 naps a day, yet I pick him up and most days he’s had 4 sleeps with her! It is causing a real rift between me and my partner. He loves his Mum so defends her all the time. I wish I could afford nursery or a childminder but we just can’t. I am so stuck as to what to do!! These few little things I’ve written about are just the tip of the iceberg too! Am I being an over neurotic new Mum or is she out of line here? And how do I address it with her? My partner has spoken to her countless times and I have made it clear I’m not happy without confronting her and upsetting her. I’m at a loss and it’s causing me so much stress!

@SailYourShips sorry another point to add…

It sounds like you would get on great with my FIL! With your outdated views. Men aren’t allowed to cry no? Or is that just a rule when they hit 40? We are both in our early 30’s - not that age has anything to do with this. We had a baby in lockdown, had ZERO hands on support due to that, I had a c-section and didn’t recover well or quickly so he was picking up almost all of the housework, food shopping etc, I had PND, he was WFH (at this time) 8am - 7pm most days all whilst helping me care for the baby around that, he didn’t leave the house 6 days a week, he hadn’t seen his family for MONTHS (they are very close) and was feeling SO let down by his parents and there apparent lack of interest in our new baby! And the upset that was causing me too caused him a lot of stress and he couldn’t explain it to me. He struggled to adapt to being to a new Dad in the beginning but was too afraid to tell me as he knew I was also struggling a little bit too. So he had A LOT on his plate and probably needed his parents then more than ever! PND affects men too, a lot more than people realise. So please don’t tell me ‘he’s too long in the tooth to cry’. What he actually is, is bloody amazing and he has been my absolute rock since our son was born. His feeling are just as valid as mine and anyone else’s.

I really wish you could talk your dh into looking for another job. He’s had his pay cut massively to help his dads company, had parental leave refused, had part time refused, I’d expect my dh to tell his parents to fuck off then and find a job that pays him his market value. Then hes not both beholden to them and financially restricted because of them and you can enrol your dc in a day of childcare.

@timeisnotaline

I really wish you could talk your dh into looking for another job. He’s had his pay cut massively to help his dads company, had parental leave refused, had part time refused, I’d expect my dh to tell his parents to fuck off then and find a job that pays him his market value. Then hes not both beholden to them and financially restricted because of them and you can enrol your dc in a day of childcare.

This.

He took a massive pay cut to prop up the family business and then his own father threatened to sack him for paternity leave as a man should be at work and the woman should be at home? How can either of you speak to the man?!

Your MIl is not going to change because she doesn’t want to. Her behaviour is horrible. Like her husband, this suggests a degree of power over her son (and you, and the baby) which is not positive.

I really feel for you, OP. I’d move heaven and earth and review every single option and permutation to ensure you needed zero childcare from them.

[quote newmamabear4]@SailYourShips sorry another point to add…

It sounds like you would get on great with my FIL! With your outdated views. Men aren’t allowed to cry no? Or is that just a rule when they hit 40? We are both in our early 30’s - not that age has anything to do with this. We had a baby in lockdown, had ZERO hands on support due to that, I had a c-section and didn’t recover well or quickly so he was picking up almost all of the housework, food shopping etc, I had PND, he was WFH (at this time) 8am - 7pm most days all whilst helping me care for the baby around that, he didn’t leave the house 6 days a week, he hadn’t seen his family for MONTHS (they are very close) and was feeling SO let down by his parents and there apparent lack of interest in our new baby! And the upset that was causing me too caused him a lot of stress and he couldn’t explain it to me. He struggled to adapt to being to a new Dad in the beginning but was too afraid to tell me as he knew I was also struggling a little bit too. So he had A LOT on his plate and probably needed his parents then more than ever! PND affects men too, a lot more than people realise. So please don’t tell me ‘he’s too long in the tooth to cry’. What he actually is, is bloody amazing and he has been my absolute rock since our son was born. His feeling are just as valid as mine and anyone else’s.[/quote]
Well done for sticking up for yourself! 💪🏻
I'm not surprised he cried! That's an awful lot of stress you have both been dealing with.

My husband cries sometimes too - I don't see anything wrong with it.

Real men cry. Just fyi. I'd take a crier over someone who verbally abused me any day. Real men show their emotions.

There is nothing wrong with a man crying, but if its used to control, guilt and manipulate it isn't acceptable.

@newmamabear4 - all very annoying. But if her partner was wfh, this doesn't mean he could see to the electrician or the carpenter or the Gardner. The w is more important than the h.

Little update for you all… spoke to MIL this morning and asked very nicely that she sticks to his nap times (within reason not to the minute) even if he doesn’t seem tired. Low & behold she did and he slept for 1.5 hours (like he does at home). We have scrapped the late morning bottle and he didn’t miss it. Collected him at lunchtime when I finished work and he was happily playing with a tummy full of lunch!

I have used some annual leave & TOIL for the next 4 weeks on the 1/2 day she has him to give her some R&R during the school holidays. She looks after her 2 other grandchildren 2 days a week and one day sometimes overlaps with LO. Once the school year starts back up we have agreed that I will put LO down at his usual nap time at my house before I go to work. She will then stay at our house until LO wakes and go from there. This is what I do with my parents and she even suggested she do it too. So I know she’s happy with it.

I’ve apologised for being so “strict” and thanked her for all she does and we have tried to laugh it off together today. I’ve made the decision to put my ill feelings about the past to bed and move on. And you’re all right, a bib isn’t the be all and end all - I’ll just invest in some good stain remover!

I will never change my FIL, he is what he is. But I will encourage my DH to be more assertive with him and to not allow the father/son boundary to cross over into the workplace. Who knows if I’ll ever get him to look for a new job???

Thank you for all your help and suggestions.

That’s a really positive update OP. I think you handled it well and I imagine your MIL is happy too. I’m glad you didn’t follow some of the ridiculously aggressive suggestions on this thread. Some MNs hate MILS 😅

@newmamabear4 great update! Sounds very positive

@TootTootTootToot thank you! Glad you think some of the suggestions were a bit OTT. My absolute favourite was the one where I have to go back to work FT immediately and start saving and preparing for when my husband/partner leaves me 😂

[quote newmamabear4]@TootTootTootToot thank you! Glad you think some of the suggestions were a bit OTT. My absolute favourite was the one where I have to go back to work FT immediately and start saving and preparing for when my husband/partner leaves me 😂[/quote]
Well done op, sounds like you’ve done a great
Job.