Mother In Law Issues - HELP!

[newmamabear4]

I am struggling with my MIL so much!! We had our first baby in lockdown last year and sadly that meant she couldn’t see much of our son for the first 6 months. We were limited to walks only and despite telling us she missed him constantly here are some reasons she cancelled walks on me (please keep in mind her husband was WFH at the time) 1. The carpenter is coming. 2. I have to move some logs. 3. The gardener has lit a fire and I can’t leave it. 4. The electrician is coming. This was all after I had been diagnosed with PND too!! So fast forward to present day and no lockdowns and all that missed time. Have we ever been invited over for dinner? No!!! She claws at my son and tries to take over every time I see her. She even takes him out of the room away from me when he gets upset at being taken by her. He’s very attached to me after spending 6 months in lockdown with just me while his Dad was at work. I’m now back working PT and she very very generously offered to have my son 1.5 days a week. This is amazing BUT she ignores my every request. She doesn’t feed him when I ask, she refuses to put him down for a sleep when I say he needs to nap. He comes home covered in food and stains despite us asking a million times to use bibs and try and keep him as neat as possible. He drinks 4 x 5oz bottles a day for us at home, with her she struggles to get 1oz down him. So he’s missing out on 8oz of milk a day on the days he goes to her. Every little noise my son makes she’s rocking him to to sleep! He’s nearly 10 months old and she knows he has 2 naps a day, yet I pick him up and most days he’s had 4 sleeps with her! It is causing a real rift between me and my partner. He loves his Mum so defends her all the time. I wish I could afford nursery or a childminder but we just can’t. I am so stuck as to what to do!! These few little things I’ve written about are just the tip of the iceberg too! Am I being an over neurotic new Mum or is she out of line here? And how do I address it with her? My partner has spoken to her countless times and I have made it clear I’m not happy without confronting her and upsetting her. I’m at a loss and it’s causing me so much stress!

@Aliceclara

No matter what your differences are, your son is her grandchild and she loves him. A childminder, no matter how good, won't love him. If you have the opportunity to leave him with a loving family member it's got to be the best option.

That's not true, sorry. My childminder hasn't looked after my two for two years as they're older and she asks to meet up every few months, sends them cards etc. She has offered to help in an emergency and asks after them regularly. She looked after them both from around 9 months and clearly cares for them still. Good childminders can be much better options than grandparents.

Keep a 10 month old as neat as possible? You have some fun coming your way :)
You’re getting free childcare. You will need to reach a compromise I’m afraid. Sounds like he is eating more solids with her so perhaps that explains why he’s drinking less milk.
Good luck OP

I suspect the reason your son gets son many naps at grandma’s is because SHE’S tired. If you MUST send him there, send him in filthy, stained clothes. When she asks why, let her know it’s because you have given up asking her to use bibs, and that is the result. You won’t be bringing him in his nice clothes anymore.

@Justilou1

I suspect the reason your son gets son many naps at grandma’s is because SHE’S tired. If you MUST send him there, send him in filthy, stained clothes. When she asks why, let her know it’s because you have given up asking her to use bibs, and that is the result. You won’t be bringing him in his nice clothes anymore.

Why would any sane person do that?

@Justilou1

I suspect the reason your son gets son many naps at grandma’s is because SHE’S tired. If you MUST send him there, send him in filthy, stained clothes. When she asks why, let her know it’s because you have given up asking her to use bibs, and that is the result. You won’t be bringing him in his nice clothes anymore.

It can be quite tiring looking after a 10 month old. My mum is very active and still works part time but a day with one of my children wipes her out. Maybe the MIL is finding it more tiring than she expected to when she offered to provide free childcare.

You clearly strongly dislike them both, I imagine that's why she doesn't really want to spend time with you.

It's ridiculous to accept free childcare off someone you dislike, but you need to suck it up, nothing she is doing is harmful to your child.

When she asks why, let her know it’s because you have given up asking her to use bibs, and that is the result. You won’t be bringing him in his nice clothes anymore

That’s just… weird.

@Zarene that’s actually not true. I love them both dearly. They welcomed me into their family from day one and have done a lot for all of us. An example of this is my FIL collected my wedding ring, that I had hand made, and then he paid for it as a surprise and a welcome to the family! What a beautiful gesture eh! As I’ve said, some things happened during last years Christmas time lockdown which has left me very hurt, I have had my partner sobbing in tears after some of the things they’ve attributed too. However he has asked me never to discuss that with them. So I am in a very difficult position, they’ve acted out of turn (IMO) but my partner has asked me not to say anything as it will cause upset for everyone and I have to respect that. What is true is that I am holding onto a lot of resentment for the above and I know I do need to find a way to get over that.

A lot of you are saying I am being offered free childcare and not everyone has access to that. I am so very grateful that our parents are in a position to and generous enough to offer to have my son. But I do feel some of our wishes should be respected. My partner and I are pescatarian and have been for almost our whole relationship, MIL will always accommodate this at family parties etc. BUT she repeatedly buys my son meat based baby food by accident and feeds it to him. I’m sure most would agree that that is wrong. I don’t see any difference in her going against our wishes of his routine

Easy solve to that one - just send his food with him. Surely you are providing food etc if MIL is giving free childcare?

OP when my mum had my kids for us she did so willingly and happily,Both mine love her so much and have great relationships with her but as for me asking/telling her what I expect her to do well it was met with...If I am looking after xxxx then I will do it my way,..I thought this was terrible but then the next sentance was ,,look at you and your brother lump I got this! and she did! She had done it all before and didnt need any input from me. I was very grateful she saved us a fortune and the love my kids and her have for each other is wonderful to see. You can't dictate to mil she is doing you a favour.If you dont like it then you sort something else its as easy as that. I would suggest you think maybe the same there is no way I would pressume she would want to cause any harm what so ever to her grandchild so be content with that,She is doing something to help here at the cost to her own social and family life. A thank you and a bit of gratitude might not go amiss. She will never replace you as a mother figure but the benifit she could bring to your little ones life is something to embrace. Its not your place to dictate and bite the hand that feeds you so to speak.

Honestly? You need to find a way to put him into proper childcare/nursery/childminder. She's completely disrespecting you and your husband's job is tied up in his family's mindset; he will never go against them. You need financial security of your own, so I'd get your well paying job back for when your marriage can't take his refusal to back you any more.

@Cancellingadvice I have and I have been asked not too as she wants to provide his food. We let the meat thing go as I know it won’t do any harm, just politely asked where possible for him to given fish or vegetarian food. Think it’s fallen on deaf ears BUT I have been desperately trying not to criticise and have an issue with everything she does. I can see how me constantly saying “please don’t do this / please do this this certain way” would take its toll on anyone.

Maybe I’m coming across completely wrong in my comments or maybe I am just being utterly selfish and up my own backside. But I do feel like I am reasonable 90% of the time. She doesn’t feel comfortable driving with our son in the car so we always drop him off and pick him up, we always offer to provide or pack food, nappies, wipes etc but it gets returned to us. I have asked her many times if she’s happy having him 1.5 days as I know it’s a lot and she says she’d have him 5 days if she could. I always thank her when I pick him up, I always say (from my son) “thank you Nana, I love you Nana” when I leave. I always act excited with my son when he’s going there and when he arrives. It’s not a dislike for them at all. I’m just getting frustrated with her apparent decision to do the opposite of what we ask.

Maybe she’s finding it more difficult than she expected to? Looking after a baby all day is hard.
Unless you think she’s doing it out of spite, in which case why would you leave him with her anyway?

Is there a lack of not wanting to let him cry? So resorts to rocking him in an attempt to keep him happy?
Is she worried about him crying? Is she confident around him?

I think you hold a bit of resentment to her regarding lock down and I think it’s missed placed.
However I think you can’t let things simmer the way they are and i think you will have to communicate with her your concerns.

My mum would have left dc in dirty clothes to save me on some washing, when I pointed out that you wouldn’t sit in dirty clothes she would just say ‘they are a baby, no one will mind’ but I did.

I think you have to talk to her, and go from there.

I think yabvu. You have posted about how many issues you have with her yet you choose to leave your son in her care and then still complain about her?? It doesn't make sense. Why would you do that with someone you very clearly have a problem with?

You seem to have an awful lot of rules and really need to chill out a bit. No wonder it’s coming between you and your partner.

• The food - being pescatarian is your choice not your babies. Your MIL is likely just lifting baby food up without much care- babies weren’t on faddy diets in the 70’s. There is not harm here.
• The mess and stains - it’s required for child’s development to play with food and make a mess. She likely finds him really cute all messy.
• the milk she’s his granny and feeding him up is her job he would drink it if he wanted - no harm not having so much 1 day a week.
• she has raised children to adult hood and is significantly relaxed to know she won’t break them and that routine matters not a F* something will turn it on it’s head at some point. She’s enjoying her granny cuddles.
• your parents following your rules is to be expected they have lived with you their whole life and know what your wrath is like (not saying your a monster but we were all awful as teenagers) You will have always been polite enough not to lose your S*.
• the phase will pass your son will soon be toddler that refuses to sleep and destroys her house.
• know one knows better than a granny how short the baby years are and she’s enjoying them and soaking them up. To her they everything else is just a side point.

It’s hard allowing your baby to go to someone with completely different set of rules. I was the most chilled out earth mother that loved messy play, naked babies, feeding on demand, cuddles and sleep whenever. I still had a B fit when MIL fed my 9 month old beans out a tin. My poor partner you’d have thought his lovely mother fed my child poison - with a spoon and everything all my baby led weaning. It took ages just to realise that MIL are a different generation which makes them almost another species.
Well now she’s 3, total nut job and I couldn’t give 2 hoots about anything- just keep her alive.

Also just to say lockdown affected people in so many different ways. People have such different ideas of risk. Some are more worried than others, some less so.

Try to move forward, but the only way forward is to communicate with her. You both clearly want this to work.

If working isn't giving you and your partner enough money for childcare can you get s pay increase or cut spending a bit.

She doesn"t sound like she's doing a good job and the stress seems bad for you.

Eben though it's free she should still be listening to you.

Being in nursery 5 days a week isn't a bad thing to be honest.. My little girl has been in nursery for 5 days a week since she was 1, she does 7am to 5.30pm. I'm a full time, single working parent with no familial help.. I think you perhaps need to maybe think about what is actually best for your son than projecting onto him what you think is best. You might not want him in full time childcare, but I guarantee you he will thrive and flourish and it's good for their social skills. As others have mentioned, you've got free childcare so you're going to have to allow a degree of flexibility and let certain things go. In your situation the simplest solution is to just pay for the childcare.. It'll resolve the issues instantaneously. Your MIL isn't going to listen.

You have given up a well paid job to depend on a partner who is not well paid and dependent on his father's whim?

Kindly, are you out of your mind?

Your partner is crying over these issues with his family?

You are so vulnerable.
Get back to.work FT.
Put the baby in a good nursery.

Back away from parents in law for whom you depend on for far too much.

@billy1966

You have given up a well paid job to depend on a partner who is not well paid and dependent on his father's whim?

Kindly, are you out of your mind?

Your partner is crying over these issues with his family?

You are so vulnerable.
Get back to.work FT.
Put the baby in a good nursery.

Back away from parents in law for whom you depend on for far too much.

^ this in spades. It’s not working for you. It’s causing issues. Change it.

@Pebbledashery I absolutely agree that nursery is amazing for children. Ideally we would have wanted our son to go to nursery one day a week and do a day each with grandparents but sadly finances won’t allow. My partner took a huge pay cut at the beginning of Covid to help stop his employer go into liquidation. And if I increase my hours I’ll have to increase nursery days and then have the extra cost. I salute you for being a single mother and supporting your family the way you do but everyone’s situations are different.

@Freddiefox I agree with you that lockdown affected everyone differently. We respected others wishes to follow or not follow the rules. Sadly our decision to follow the rules were not respected by family members. Picking up our son and planting kisses all over him when we’ve asked you to wear a mask is wrong. Especially when said parents were mixing with anyone and everyone and could have put us at risk. We were generous enough to allow them cuddles whenever they wanted despite this not technically being allowed and to go against or wishes of staying outside or wearing a mask was unfair IMO. I don’t know if you have children or if any were born in lockdown but until you’ve done it I don’t think you can really understand. If you did it and coped well I salute you and I am very happy to hear. For me and my partner it’s been a real struggle. As parents not our relationship. But that was just our experience.

You have unresolved issues with your PIL’s that are causing you resentment. You don’t agree with their approach to lockdown rules. You don’t like the way they look after your son.
You need to find alternative childcare.

What else could the solution be?

The food is not on, if you don't want him eating meat that should be respected.

I think you need to get a different job, and so does your partner. He doesn't have to work for his dad.