Mother In Law Issues - HELP!

[newmamabear4]

I am struggling with my MIL so much!! We had our first baby in lockdown last year and sadly that meant she couldn’t see much of our son for the first 6 months. We were limited to walks only and despite telling us she missed him constantly here are some reasons she cancelled walks on me (please keep in mind her husband was WFH at the time) 1. The carpenter is coming. 2. I have to move some logs. 3. The gardener has lit a fire and I can’t leave it. 4. The electrician is coming. This was all after I had been diagnosed with PND too!! So fast forward to present day and no lockdowns and all that missed time. Have we ever been invited over for dinner? No!!! She claws at my son and tries to take over every time I see her. She even takes him out of the room away from me when he gets upset at being taken by her. He’s very attached to me after spending 6 months in lockdown with just me while his Dad was at work. I’m now back working PT and she very very generously offered to have my son 1.5 days a week. This is amazing BUT she ignores my every request. She doesn’t feed him when I ask, she refuses to put him down for a sleep when I say he needs to nap. He comes home covered in food and stains despite us asking a million times to use bibs and try and keep him as neat as possible. He drinks 4 x 5oz bottles a day for us at home, with her she struggles to get 1oz down him. So he’s missing out on 8oz of milk a day on the days he goes to her. Every little noise my son makes she’s rocking him to to sleep! He’s nearly 10 months old and she knows he has 2 naps a day, yet I pick him up and most days he’s had 4 sleeps with her! It is causing a real rift between me and my partner. He loves his Mum so defends her all the time. I wish I could afford nursery or a childminder but we just can’t. I am so stuck as to what to do!! These few little things I’ve written about are just the tip of the iceberg too! Am I being an over neurotic new Mum or is she out of line here? And how do I address it with her? My partner has spoken to her countless times and I have made it clear I’m not happy without confronting her and upsetting her. I’m at a loss and it’s causing me so much stress!

You would've had to find robust paid childcare if your MIL wasn't around or she refused.. You're either going to have to suck it up and confront her politely or just accept some of this and leave it as it is. You can claim tax free childcare via the government, you pay 80% and the government pay 20% top up. Your issues won't be resolved until you do something about your childcare.

something i'v learnt with mine is that you cant force a baby to sleep or drink unless they want to. so dont assume it'll be any different at the nursery. i used both - my kids barely drank any milk unless with us - they also barely napped. some babies are the other way around.

with the bibs.....yeah they should use them but not using them wont hurt them.

a nursery wont pay any more attention to your baby than a granny in my experience. but i get that somehow a grandparent not following your rules is so much more irritating.

I was almost with you until you said you couldn’t afford childcare, that is a major cost in having kids. Sounds like your a bit PFB. She’s is looking after your child well, no one will look after them exactly as you would. I think you need to relax a bit.

Definitely PFB.

@Pebbledashery @Eralos I came here for advice and my initial post asked if I was being unreasonable. There are kind ways of saying yes to that question. I think calling me a Precious F*ing Baby is totally against what this site is about.

If I worked FT I absolutely could afford childcare. However I made the decision to work PT (temporarily) on the basis of our parents offering childcare long before we even fell pregnant. What business it is of yours to judge someone on not being able to afford childcare based on their personal circumstances is beyond me. Would you rather I claimed benefits and didn’t work and got handed everything on a plate from your taxes? Didn’t think so!

She claws at my son and tries to take over every time I see her.

I'm sure she doesn't claw at him, not a great turn of phrase!

@newmamabear4 PFB is precious first baby not precious fucking baby!

@Sadiecow

She claws at my son and tries to take over every time I see her.

I'm sure she doesn't claw at him, not a great turn of phrase!

Let’s take OP’s word for it as we weren’t there. This definitely happened to me, a family member tried to physically take my baby out of my arms then stamped her foot when DD bawled.

Some people act outrageously around babies they feel they have a right to treat like dolls.

[quote newmamabear4]**@Pebbledashery* @Eralos I came here for advice and my initial post asked if I was being unreasonable. There are kind ways of saying yes to that question. I think calling me a Precious Fing Baby is totally against what this site is about.

If I worked FT I absolutely could afford childcare. However I made the decision to work PT (temporarily) on the basis of our parents offering childcare long before we even fell pregnant. What business it is of yours to judge someone on not being able to afford childcare based on their personal circumstances is beyond me. Would you rather I claimed benefits and didn’t work and got handed everything on a plate from your taxes? Didn’t think so![/quote]
PFB is ‘precious first baby’… meaning it’s your first child.

@newmamabear4 oh dear 😂 sorry I’ve found precious fucking baby hilarious. Sorry op I can see you’re upset. Just explain to your MIL about how you feel and try and relax with childcare there will always be things that irk us. However, feeding meat is not on when you don’t want your baby to eat meat.

It sounds like your PIL have very traditional and paternalistic views. Your FIL buys your wedding wing as you are entering the family he heads, expects his son to work for him for reduced pay and refuses him legally mandated leave. Your MIL perhaps sees herself as the matriarch and her decisions for the baby trump yours, or perhaps she feels obliged by your FIL to do childcare to that is too tiring for her so tries to get him to sleep all the time. Your FIL doesn't approve of your working so may progressive ly make childcare more difficult , either from pure misogyny or because it means you as a couple are less dependent on him.
In the medium term I would look at reducing your dependence on your PIL. Can you plan when your son is a little older to increase your work hours and use a combination of nursery and a day from both your own parents and PIL. Your FIL will be very against this as will be not in fitting with his 1950s views of women, but if you don't you will be increasing be dependent on him as the patriarch of the family, and this is not a long-term plan.

Don't whatever you do go and work for FILs business as if you do you will be truly screwed

I does sound like you are coming to realise that your inlaws have far too much say and influence on your own family. From day one trying to ignore requests around masks etc and doing her own thing. And you have put her in prime position to do this by asking to look after him. And then having less money coming in and no leave because his dad says so. Theirs actions are causing all your problems. If DH had a decent wage you could afford to be off or a nursery and you know the leave thing was illegal. Then by default you are relying on MIL to do as she pleases with your child. Somethings need changing.

[quote newmamabear4]**@Pebbledashery* @Eralos I came here for advice and my initial post asked if I was being unreasonable. There are kind ways of saying yes to that question. I think calling me a Precious Fing Baby is totally against what this site is about.

If I worked FT I absolutely could afford childcare. However I made the decision to work PT (temporarily) on the basis of our parents offering childcare long before we even fell pregnant. What business it is of yours to judge someone on not being able to afford childcare based on their personal circumstances is beyond me. Would you rather I claimed benefits and didn’t work and got handed everything on a plate from your taxes? Didn’t think so![/quote]
Yes but the childcare isn't working so I think you need to reassess.

Your son is nearly one. Very soon he won’t need to drink milk during the day and he will probably need one nap after lunch.

Let it go. It’s not worth the fall out. None of it matters in the scheme of things, and in a couple of months your son will be onto the next stage of development in any case. One day soon you won’t even remember how much milk he drank at what age. You’ll look back and be glad that he was cared for by someone who loved him.

Op. Quite simply your childcare isn't working because of all your rules and regulations. Sorry but I'm presuming you're not on the absolute breadline, I can possibly even predict those on less income than you can probably afford at least one day in nursery. There are ways and means if you do your research.
If you're not willing to confront her then your problem isn't going to solve itself.
If I asked my daughters nursery to keep her as neat as possible they'd probably laugh at me, messy play, potty training, encouraging her to feed herself.. I wouldn't ever want to deny her that for the sake of a few soiled tops.
Your choices are put up and shut up or do something about it.

@AnneLovesGilbert if someone "clawed" at your baby, you'd allow them to have sone charge of them?

Really?

Clawed is a very nasty description, if it truly happened, then OP should be NC.

*sole charge

In my experience, we had similar issues with nursery. DDs nap schedule and food habits went out the window on the days she was at nursery.

She's 12 now and the time I spent agonising over it seems to have been completely pointless.

You refer to your partner as your partner but then refer to the wedding ring.

Is he your husband and you call him partner or did the wedding not go ahead for some reason. Could that have caused resentment on either side?

If your partner's dad was about to see his firm go under, do you think that might might have been a stressful situation for them and might be affecting the way they think now.

Lastly, they are hardly Victorian if they are 60+. They were part of the eighties and that was a look way away from Victorian attitudes!
Actually, if they are 60+, is your DP heading up toward 40? If so, he is a bit too long in the tooth to be crying when all he has to do is get another job!

If he's crying because it's more complex than just the job-his relationship with them- then maybe you would both be better moving away-even if that's just metaphorically.

Sorry to derail but in future whenever i use PFB or see it here I'm going to think Precious Fucking Baby and it absolutely fits

@Brefugee Me too. Me too 😂

Hi OP, you've said it yourself, you need to pick your battles and ignore the rest. I wouldn't worry about the milk - one day a week of only having 12 Floz isn't worth worrying about. She might feed him more snacks or bigger meals, and I presume she offers water? Lots of babies have significantly reduced formula/BM by 10 months. Bibs for me wouldn't be worth a fall out. I could probably overlook the meat for now too and I say that as someone who was a strict veggie for 25 years. If I was picking one battle, I would be firm about naps, if it impacts on night time sleep, because that affects everyone. I know lots of people who were odd and acted quite out of character during lockdown - lots of inconsistencies in terms of personal covid rules and worries - that might include you and I if we asked our friends and families. Holding grudges isn't worth it and doesn't help anyone. Beware of focusing on MIL as source of all anxiety, when lots of other situations may be influencing your feelings too.

You say you wish you could afford a nursery , but then say you don't rely on MIL financially.
If you can't afford full time child care and she is kindly doing it , be grateful.

@SailYourShips our wedding has been postponed due to Covid 3 times. We’re absolutely on track to get married, adore each other and have no issues in our relationship bar this current issue that causes bickering at times.

@Looubylou you’re absolutely right. I need to pick my battles! Thank you for your advice.

Have spoken to my ‘future husband’ (so as not to cause confusion) about him requesting to WFH home again on the full day MIL has him so he can adapt his working hours to allow for the morning nap to happen here before LO goes to MIL’s. As long as LO gets one decent nap a day I can overlook the rest. Hopefully this will help providing the request gets approved! Wish us luck.

We’re dropping his late morning bottle as I agree with some of you, he’s now at an age where he probably doesn’t need it. He eats like a king when it comes to solids so I am happy he’s getting the nutrients he needs.

I think Precious F*ing Baby will go down in history only me could make that mistake! Thank god I can laugh at myself! Thanks to those who have corrected me.