Mother In Law Issues - HELP!

[newmamabear4]

I am struggling with my MIL so much!! We had our first baby in lockdown last year and sadly that meant she couldn’t see much of our son for the first 6 months. We were limited to walks only and despite telling us she missed him constantly here are some reasons she cancelled walks on me (please keep in mind her husband was WFH at the time) 1. The carpenter is coming. 2. I have to move some logs. 3. The gardener has lit a fire and I can’t leave it. 4. The electrician is coming. This was all after I had been diagnosed with PND too!! So fast forward to present day and no lockdowns and all that missed time. Have we ever been invited over for dinner? No!!! She claws at my son and tries to take over every time I see her. She even takes him out of the room away from me when he gets upset at being taken by her. He’s very attached to me after spending 6 months in lockdown with just me while his Dad was at work. I’m now back working PT and she very very generously offered to have my son 1.5 days a week. This is amazing BUT she ignores my every request. She doesn’t feed him when I ask, she refuses to put him down for a sleep when I say he needs to nap. He comes home covered in food and stains despite us asking a million times to use bibs and try and keep him as neat as possible. He drinks 4 x 5oz bottles a day for us at home, with her she struggles to get 1oz down him. So he’s missing out on 8oz of milk a day on the days he goes to her. Every little noise my son makes she’s rocking him to to sleep! He’s nearly 10 months old and she knows he has 2 naps a day, yet I pick him up and most days he’s had 4 sleeps with her! It is causing a real rift between me and my partner. He loves his Mum so defends her all the time. I wish I could afford nursery or a childminder but we just can’t. I am so stuck as to what to do!! These few little things I’ve written about are just the tip of the iceberg too! Am I being an over neurotic new Mum or is she out of line here? And how do I address it with her? My partner has spoken to her countless times and I have made it clear I’m not happy without confronting her and upsetting her. I’m at a loss and it’s causing me so much stress!

This will only get worse. As others have said you need to untangle your lives from your in laws.

How long has you mil been looking after you ds? And what was her response when you told her about the issues?

It sounds like your MIL is really struggling but not able to admit it. 4 naps a day?! Maybe she’s feeling rusty on how to take care of a baby and finding tiring for such long stretches. (My MIL takes ours for an hour at a time and is ready for a break when I collect him!) And might not want to admit it for pride/ love of being a gran/ feeling of commitment to help.

There are a few things rolled into these posts @newmamabear4 and I am going to say that I don't think your MiL is entirely to blame for them all.

First thing is first - your DH needs to start to find an alternative employer, unless he is being lined up to take over from his dad and if that is the case, then he can take whatever leave he wants as he will be the boss. It doesn't matter what your FiL says about leave, if it is covered by employment law, he can take it. He will have to change the dynamic from son/father to employee/employer and get that sorted.

Next - you need to have a conversation with your MiL about the key things that you need to get sorted for your son and the way I see them in order of importance is feeding and sleeping. She has to put bibs on before feeding and he needs to be taking his milk when he is with her. This is not negotiable. Then when you have that sorted, he will probably sleep anyway with a full tummy and that may help with the naps.
As someone else has posted, you both want this to work so the only way that will happen is if you both have good communication between each other.

What you do with your DS and your DH is really no business of FiL or MiL so you need to start implementing boundaries here and sticking to them.

I am a nursery practitioner and tbh all of that would happen at nursery too. Babies that age, especially Lockdown babies, are very differently behaved to caregivers compared to parents (I also have one and so I know). The good little child you know who will nap when you need them to and quietly wears their bib / drinks their milk doesn’t exist outside of your presence. I have several 9 mo in my care who refuse to even touch their milk or wear bibs despite doing both at home - they’re just so excited being around someome who isn’t mum / dad that they just want to experience everything.

In my experience those babies who go to nursery 3 times a week or more are less likely to behaved like crazy dictators. As they have a routine. So I know it seems counterintuitive but it might be worth asking if she can have dc more often. You may find he gets used to being with gran and then all the other problems go away.

What is your backup plan for childcare if MIL turned round and said she didn't want to do it anymore/can't do it? I'd do that.

Can your parents do the extra day and a half?

I think it’s clear your partner needs a different job as his dad/boss is willing to act illegally.

I'm just going to pick up on this comment you posted @newmamabear4 - My partner took a huge pay cut at the beginning of Covid to help stop his employer go into liquidation.
It was his dad's business that he stopped going into liquidation. Businesses fail for various reasons and your DH shouldn't have had to take a pay cut to save his dad's firm. His father's business should have been able to weather the storm of the lockdown or it should have closed. That is business. That is economics.
It is interesting that you say his employer in that post but you know it's your FiL's business.
My advice about him leaving this business still stands. He could even couch it in nicer terms like he is leaving to gain experience that he could use in the future if/when he returns to the family business perhaps.
I also agree with @Pebbledashery in so far as rethinking the childminding. Perhaps if you don't want to send your DS to nursery or creche, you might be happier with a childminder/nanny who would look after him in your home? Smaller child/childminder ratios there.

It can be tricky with m'n'laws - although for what its worth with the exception of the logs I would stay home for all those reasons of repair people coming even if my hubby was working from home. 1 - my hubby doesn't know the history of things and things come up when repair people come and 2) my hubby is very busy working from home he doesn't have time to stop for a repair person.
I think if you can't afford other childcare then you need to lower your expectations until you can. Choose one thing at a time (I think the milk issue is the worst due to dehyrdation) and work on that.
Was your plan before you fell pregnant to reply on her for childcare?

You have taken 75% pay cut so you could spend time with your child and your partner has taken a 'substantial' pay cut to save his father's business, he us not allowed flexible working or paternity leave and your MIL controls your childcare but refuses to respect your wishes. Your partner has a difficult relationship with his parents and might be the less favoured child.

Take back control, get your high paying job back, let your partner find a job that he us happy in away from his family.

I agree, it sounds like going back to work is a no-brainer really.

I can see that it's more your MIL's attitude than what she does that bothers you, as you think she's doing it to show she can, but it's a difficult one because honestly, none of it sounds like anything nursery or a childminder wouldn't do.

My DD was a horrible sleeper and wouldn't nap with me unless I drove her around for hours; at nursery she quite often did nap just because all the others were asleep. It pushed her bedtime later but it's what a PP says - the baby you know is going to be very different with other people and it's really weird getting used to that! I found mine was different with me and DP, even.

I think you need to find childcare. Ignore what pp said above about a loving family member being a better option than a childminder/nursery keyworker. That isn't always true. It was important to me that the few rules I had were followed - don't leave her to cry if she's struggling to nap and no sugary puddings (just fruit for now). If a family member was ignoring those requests, how would they be a better option?

If it makes you feel better though, the lack of milk could happen at nursery or with MIL - it's just a change in routine. My bf baby takes maybe an oz or two while at nursery but feeds constantly from me when we're together. She is also on 2 naps a day but sometimes does 3 if she only takes short naps at nursery as she's still getting used to it. But putting him down for 4 naps when he's not tired does sound like maybe MIL is looking for a break as well and if he wasn't actually tired, I wouldn't be happy with that.

I didn't let PIL look after my 10 month old either because I knew I would disagree with how they cared for her and I would rather pay for nursery than cause a rift.

Not the main point of the thread, I know, but your FIL paid for your wedding ring???
I don't see that as a "beautiful gesture." I view it as a metaphor for him taking control of an important symbol of your marriage. That should have been your husband's role to fulfil.
I think this all sounds way too enmeshed and unhealthy.
Start considering ways to step back from the dependency you appear to have on them.

YANBU It sounds to me that both PILs disrespect you and your DH. I think she's purposely doing the opposite of what you say as demonstrated during lockdown. Firstly, your DH should find another, better paid job. I can't believe they made him take a huge pay cut. That would resolve the main issue straight away - you could afford childcare and get away from the PILs undue influence. I would also say you and your DH need to be more assertive. Anyone who disrespected my instructions like not kissing the baby would not have been let anywhere near them again.

There’s more to this than just childcare- your husband is still at their beck and call. He needs to move into another job and you should increase your hours to afford proper childcare. Even the wedding ring purchase was a not so subtle message from your FIL ie you’re marrying the family not just the son and will be at their beck and call too.
Why would you leave your most precious thing with someone you don’t trust and don’t seem to like much?

I think complaining about free, family provided childcare is in the top 50 of MN don’ts.

Go back to your regular job, DH finds a part time job with an employer who abides by employment law and takes over home responsibilities.

@billy1966

You have given up a well paid job to depend on a partner who is not well paid and dependent on his father's whim?

Kindly, are you out of your mind?

Your partner is crying over these issues with his family?

You are so vulnerable.
Get back to.work FT.
Put the baby in a good nursery.

Back away from parents in law for whom you depend on for far too much.

Agree that you both need to rethink your employment. If you can't afford childcare, you can't afford to work. Leaving your full time well paid job was a shame - wouldn't they have been at all flexible or offered you part time?

Your partner works for his dad, gave up cash to keep the business afloat, but still doesn't get paternity leave? I would have been reminding my FIL of this when he refused to be flexible. It's the worst of all worlds in working for a family business. More secure, better rewarded employment for both of you will allow you to pay for the childcare you need.

I think you have to isolate the 2 different issues here:

• issues with what happens under her supervision: my suggestion is to let it go. My DS stays pretty regularly at my MIL place and life is wild there....honestly, he loves it, I love it, it gives my son the ability to cope with a different environment, different rules, for him is like an adventure everytime. He gets dirty, muddy, soaked wet, full with leaves....you name it! He eats things I generally do not allow him at home, he naps in my MIL bed, cuddled together, with a super old stuffed bunny which belonged to my DH.

He is as happy as a clam and at the same time it is pretty clear to him that grandma house is the place to draw on walls and eat chips out of the bag, it stays there, and does not impact in any way our life at home. This works great for a person like me: I am an organized person which need schedules and day planned...kind of a boring mother, I am sometimes afraid of...with my MIL he can live adventures I am sometimes not able to offer him. Maybe it will be the same for your DS.

• the resentment towards you MIL is a complete different issue, and is the one you need to work on. If you cannot get past the resentment, I suggest you find a nursery for DS. It will never work good.

FIL owns the company my partner works for and is VERY ‘traditional’ lets say. My partner made a passing comment about him taking the full paternity leave as I was the main breadwinner when we fell pregnant and FIL said he would sack him if he asked to do that as a mans place it at work and a woman’s place is at home!

He has a contract? Not sure what the law is in UK but you can't be fired for that in Germany. Call his bluff?

You sound very PFB and a bit petulant, tbh. The looking neat thing is bonkers, let it go.abd WFH doesn't mean you are available for deliveries or keeping an eye on bonfires. What sort of high paid job did you have that you think this?

In your shoes I'd be: asking my DH to change his job, looking for a job myself; not using MIL for childcare. (agree about the sleep routine though)

Go back to your Well paid FT job and let your not so well paid husband go PT and take on the childcare? Since he's taken a huge paycut already this shouldn't cause too much of an issue surely?

OP we had a combination of my DM and my DMIL looking after our first and they both cared for DS very much but there were things I disagreed with in some of their styles but I didn’t feel I had much of a choice. The one thing they did do was always write down exactly how much and what he’d eaten in our little note pad we kept so everyone knew how much and what he’d eaten, this helped me greatly. DS now has a great relationship with both of them.
The thing that stands out to me in your posts is the control issue, i.e. not respecting your choice of being a pescatarian. The fact they have effectively forced your DH to work full time for less money and they impose their outdated views on you all stinks of control and the hierarchy in the family. Definitely some independence is needed from your PILs.

Interesting that she didn't want to walk with you and the baby she just wants the baby alone rather than see the baby any time because other stuff is going on

The only issue re post is keeping him neat and tidy as others have said, obviously within the limits its good for baby's to get hold of the food and experiment and get dirty etc

@Samafe your POV is a great one, I think I need to take a lot of that on board! Thank you for opening my eyes to another way of thinking.

@Daisydrum yes it’s taken me a while to learn with my own mum that she does things “her way” but we have managed to come to a good compromise between us and she now respects and understands most of our wishes. We have made the same attempts with MIL and sadly despite agreeing that she would try it just hasn’t happened. I think I need to just be happy that my son is safe and in a loving environment and park the annoyance of going against our wishes.

Our work situations can’t change at the moment and that is our personal choice. I can’t force my partner to leave a job he has worked so hard in for so many years, trust me I have been trying for the last 6 months!!

You are absolutely right about the family dynamics though. It’s very different to the way I was brought up but I guess I need to respect that everyone is different. I don’t think I’m going to change a 60+ year old mans view, even if they do belong in the Victorian times! I have spoken with my partner numerous times about the fact I feel he lives almost in fear of his father and his fathers opinion but again I can’t force him to change either. Someone else has suggested that I am reliant on my PIL? I don’t know if they mean financially or for childcare but we are absolutely not reliant on them. We are lucky that MIL is in a position to help with childcare but we are very much financially independent even if we have had to adjust our lives to fit our new financial situation in recent months.