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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm just not likeable?

111 replies

Whogotdakeystomabeamer · 09/08/2021 20:05

DD is at nursery, will be starting school in September.
Now I don't know whether I'm a) expecting too much from people b) experiencing some sort of paranoia, or c) am actually just unlikeable.
However there have been several situations recently where I think it must be the latter.

  • there was a joint birthday party get together in a local park a month or so ago for two of the kids in the class. Lots of the kids went along with their parents, me included. DD points out one of the girls she talks about a lot at home, and I say to girls mum 'ahh you're X's mum, DD talks about her all the time, it's lovely to put a face to the name.'
The mum looks at me, clearly forces a smile, and doesn't say a word. A bit weird I thought but just assumed I must have misread the situation or she was having a shit day. Anyway, I've seen the same mum twice now on drop offs and pick ups and have smiled and said hello. Nothing. No acknowledgement of me whatsoever.
  • the second situation is almost exactly the same - DD talks about a boy she plays with a lot. I encountered said boys dad at a leaving exhibition thing that the nursery put and and said 'ohh this is Y - we've heard so much about him.' The dad literally looks at me and turns away.
I saw him again this morning, 'morning', I said as I walked past him (bearing in mind he was looking right at me) and he just put his head down and walked past me.

It's been on my mind all day, I keep thinking have I done something, or could daughter have done something? I find it utterly bizarre behaviour for grown adults.

DH thinks I'm either completely paranoid or that I've totally misread the situation, but who sees someone and completely ignores them? Are people just rude? I don't understand it! And would I be unreasonable to ask him what his fucking problem is next time? (I obviously won't actually do this).

OP posts:
PizzaPiePizzaPie · 09/08/2021 23:06

I found primary full of rude mothers. There would be little huddles of the ones who already knew each other from having older children (how I don’t know as they were so rude). Or the ones who only spoke to you when they wanted something. The ones who acted like you didn’t exist even though your children were the best of friends.
I did have the issue of not living on the estate most of them were on.

Secondary is a revelation. DDs friends mothers, not my friends, make chit chat, I WhatsApp them to arrange stuff with no fuss. Heaven.

Mistlewoeandwhine · 09/08/2021 23:06

I’m Irish and quite chatty. We are relatively new in our area. I took a parcel in for the people two doors down and took it round, thinking it’d be a chance to introduce myself.
The door opens. I smile and say, “Hi, I brought your parcel over. I’m Nicola btw. I live at number X.”
Woman goes, ‘Right.” And shuts the door in my face…Some people aren’t friendly I guess.

Sarcobaleno · 09/08/2021 23:10

Do not worry about it. There were a couple of parents at my kids nursery like this and I felt awful, like a social reject. Only later did I realise that they were like that with everyone and they were just rude twats. Ignore, you'll find nice people to be mates with.

EishetChayil · 09/08/2021 23:15

I'm a friend repeller, honestly.

The other day, I caught a neighbour taking a ridiculously convoluted route from our apartment block to her car so she wouldn't have to face the horror of walking past me.

Badgersdrift · 09/08/2021 23:20

This happened to me at a play group. It turned out that they had all known one another for years and cba with newcomers

Moved on to primary school and found a brilliant group of friends, many of whom I am still close to 14 years later.

Do not take it personally op!

Miniestelle · 09/08/2021 23:23

Its not you OP. Its them. I dont know how otherwise perfectly civil people change so much when stood outside a primary school gate. I don't know if they unconciously regress to a child like state or what? It is a very wierd thing.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 09/08/2021 23:26

Its not you OP. There are people who are determined to actively avoid making new friendships in adulthood. IME often it's people who've grown up in an area and stayed there, still very much reliant on lifelong/school friends from childhood and basically don't actually know how to interact properly with new people as an adult. I wonder if they simply feel they have "enough" friends and it's a hassle/inconvenience to add any more.

Birminghambloke · 09/08/2021 23:44

They’re likely just not interested in being social. Possibly have enough of own choice friends in their lives? Who wants more small talk?
Possibly, they do get reports of DD being obnoxious to their child as PPs have said? It might be the greasy hair and sick on top, as you said?
Who knows? Do you need them in your life?

pigsDOfly · 09/08/2021 23:44

It's not just school parents.

A few years ago, new to an area, I joined one of those large choirs that were all over the place in pre covid days.

I tried a friendly smile and saying hello to people and passing the time of day but it was like pulling teeth.

I did briefly manage to find someone who was willing to chat to me for a couple of the sessions and she seemed friendly and nice but after a couple of weeks when her friend came back from her holiday I was no longer of any interest and she just completely blanked me.

Turned out great swathes of the choir had known one another for years so any new comers were just ignored; I wasn't the only one who noticed how unfriendly everyone was, a couple of other new people I managed to find said they'd experienced the same thing.

Actually, I think someone started a thread on here about the same choir organisation and how unfriendly everyone was to new comers around about the same time.

Established groups can be incredibly unwelcoming.

Howshouldibehave · 09/08/2021 23:49

Sounds odd! Do you normally talk to the other parents at nursery drop off/collection times? Your post makes it sound like you haven’t met these parents previously? How did you get invited to the joint party?

Bortles · 10/08/2021 00:12

I get this op. But Im just terrible at small talk. I cant make it sound sincere! The forced feel comes through or, I feel it does and makes me trip over my words. It's imposter syndrome. Do you think that might be it in your case too? My mum is fab at it. She seems really interested in everyone's lives and has hit it off with lots at the school gate when she gets dd. Maybe that's it, Im just not sincerely interested enough and also a terrible liar! But for me, having kids in common isnt enough to enthuse me about someone!

Bortles · 10/08/2021 00:15

Re. Being blanked, many times I cant help myself; I do the other person's voice for them Blush...

Happymum12345 · 10/08/2021 00:19

Some people are just unfriendly. Perhaps they’re shy or just a bit odd. My dd’s best friend since age 2 (now 14), has always been a bit distant with me. Sometimes she’ll chat about all sorts then another time it’s like she doesn’t know me. It is quite disconcerting & it’s unpleasant.

PearlFriday · 10/08/2021 04:26

@Bortles

Re. Being blanked, many times I cant help myself; I do the other person's voice for them Blush...
Ha ha! You mean you'd say 'oh hi Borties' like modelling normal civilised behavior to them? I like it.
BrozTito · 10/08/2021 04:58

Even people i find a bit unlikable i'll be polite to and say hello etc. They're just fucking rude

RainRainGoAway12 · 10/08/2021 07:27

You've done nothing wrong or unlikeable there. They seem to be unfriendly people.

This!

What you said is a totally normal thing to say if you spend 20 seconds in the company of an adult whose child your child knows! It’s the parent equivalent of chatting about the weather at a bus stop!

thepeopleversuswork · 10/08/2021 07:41

@Moonface123

Stop trying so hard to fit in, it doesn't matter. It could be that these other people have a lot on their minds right now, stop expecting them to behave like you, they wont.
This. in the nicest possible way.

I see so many of these threads on here on a daily basis (usually involving school). There's a separate syndrome which is that lots of people get very upset about "school mums" and think they are a different and aggressive species. I find it very frustrating.

A lot of people get anxious and over-invest in these sorts of minor interactions involving parents of their children's friends. Which is totally understandable if you're new to the area and making friends or you're having a tough time. The problem is when someone doesn't respond in exactly the way you hoped they would and you take umbrage. It's very unrealistic and self-destructive.

You have to stop expecting people to see things through the exact lens you do. That's the secret to this whole thing. Stop projecting, stop reading too much into minor interactions -- they may not have seen/noticed you, they may have been having a bad day. Next time you see them will be a brand new day. Move on and wipe the slate clean.

I see so much angst about this sort of thing and its so frustrating because none of it matters. It's always wild over-extrapolations and misunderstandings. And then people get paranoid and insecure and withdraw and the whole silly circle perpetuates itself.

I've been like this in the past so I do understand but you have to train yourself out of it. Positive affirmations or whatever it takes. But its on you to do it -- you can't expect everyone else to read your mind.

Winemewhynot · 10/08/2021 07:47

@Wimpeyspread

But how do you get to know people if you never talk to people you don’t know?

If you’re regularly bumping into the same person and start saying hello (like I said I do) then sometimes the rapport builds and a friendship may come organically. However I’m not specifically looking to make friends but if it happens naturally over a period of time, as it has before, then I’ll go with it.

Dexysmidnightstroller · 10/08/2021 07:55

Some people are just weird like that - no manners. It doesn’t cost anything to say hello - not like OP was being over-familiar or similar.

PearlFriday · 10/08/2021 07:56

@BrozTito

Even people i find a bit unlikable i'll be polite to and say hello etc. They're just fucking rude
Yes same, because that is my personality and it is consistent. Some people dont have a consistent personality though. They kiss up. They kick down.
aSofaNearYou · 10/08/2021 08:04

Is there a general chatty vibe at this nursery amongst parents? I was kind of expecting more interaction between parents at my DDs nursery but I get the impression most of the parents are just there to pick the kids up and get home ASAP. I've noticed this with the way they talk to the staff, as well, they don't ask many questions and are in and out quickly.

NothingEverChangesButTheShoes · 10/08/2021 08:12

I try to justify it as, many parents are rushing to work at drop off and have rushed to get to drop off and are trying to gear up for evening/activities/dinner/children home.

I am not very popular in the playground either. I did try, but I just say hello now. I have nothing in common with other parents, apart from our children were born in the same year.

It does hurt, being blanked YANBU, but like me I wonder whether your 'mistake' was to try and engage beyond hello. It seems stupid because I'd have been happy to chat to my DC friends parents. Also, could you have had a chat with one of the dads and the mums have decided you're a husband stealer. That happened to me too. I was simply talking about a news event and hadn't a clue I wasn't allowed to talk to dads. The couple both blank me now. Whether in the street/parties/activities. I'm quite alright with the H I have got, I don't want another.

liveforsummer · 10/08/2021 08:21

Sadly there are lots of rude people around. I don't remember it being so bad in the last. The pandemic has affected some people's social skills too. Got too used to their own company I think. You sound perfectly nice and clearly have friends and a husband that think so. I'm sure you'd get an inkling if your Dd was some sort of awful bully or thug.

liveforsummer · 10/08/2021 08:32

That happened to me too. I was simply talking about a news event and hadn't a clue I wasn't allowed to talk to dads. The couple both blank me now. Whether in the street/parties/activities. I'm quite alright with the H I have got, I don't want another.

Try being the only single parent in a DC's year group. I mean some of the women are right to worry about their sleazy husbands but they certainly don't need to worry about me 😆

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 10/08/2021 08:50

They sound very rude.
I also think I must be unlikeable as I'm always the person ignored in social situations.

I've noticed our neighbour creeps down and peers round the hedge - if it's me in the garden he sneaks back. If it's my DP, he'll come for a chat. He either doesn't realise I can see him or doesn't care he's rude. The couple both blank me if they're passing and I'm in the garden. On the couple of occasions he's not realised I'm also in the garden when he's talking to DP, he blanks me and makes me feel so awkward I just go back in the house.
My DP had to go round the other day and the wife ran and hid behind the conservatory. She must have forgotten glass is see through Grin.