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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm just not likeable?

111 replies

Whogotdakeystomabeamer · 09/08/2021 20:05

DD is at nursery, will be starting school in September.
Now I don't know whether I'm a) expecting too much from people b) experiencing some sort of paranoia, or c) am actually just unlikeable.
However there have been several situations recently where I think it must be the latter.

there was a joint birthday party get together in a local park a month or so ago for two of the kids in the class. Lots of the kids went along with their parents, me included. DD points out one of the girls she talks about a lot at home, and I say to girls mum 'ahh you're X's mum, DD talks about her all the time, it's lovely to put a face to the name.'

The mum looks at me, clearly forces a smile, and doesn't say a word. A bit weird I thought but just assumed I must have misread the situation or she was having a shit day. Anyway, I've seen the same mum twice now on drop offs and pick ups and have smiled and said hello. Nothing. No acknowledgement of me whatsoever.

the second situation is almost exactly the same - DD talks about a boy she plays with a lot. I encountered said boys dad at a leaving exhibition thing that the nursery put and and said 'ohh this is Y - we've heard so much about him.' The dad literally looks at me and turns away.

I saw him again this morning, 'morning', I said as I walked past him (bearing in mind he was looking right at me) and he just put his head down and walked past me.

It's been on my mind all day, I keep thinking have I done something, or could daughter have done something? I find it utterly bizarre behaviour for grown adults.

DH thinks I'm either completely paranoid or that I've totally misread the situation, but who sees someone and completely ignores them? Are people just rude? I don't understand it! And would I be unreasonable to ask him what his fucking problem is next time? (I obviously won't actually do this).

OP posts:

Original poster

Whogotdakeystomabeamer · 09/08/2021 22:09

@TimetohittheroadJack

Please don't take it the wrong way but Is it possible your DD is not nice to these kids and they tell their parent about your naughty/noisy/hitting DD?

I did wonder this, and whether we just don't know about some underlying unruly behaviour from DD. But even if that is the case (which I doubt it is), I still wouldn't blatantly ignore someone who smiles and says hello, if anything it would be easier to broach the situation if there was something going on.

OP posts:

RhonaRed · 09/08/2021 22:10

Moonface ime it's not about trying to fit in. I was brought up to be open and chat to strangers I was thrown together with.

It's my culture.

Original poster

Whogotdakeystomabeamer · 09/08/2021 22:11

@Moonface123

Stop trying so hard to fit in, it doesn't matter. It could be that these other people have a lot on their minds right now, stop expecting them to behave like you, they wont.

I'm not in any way "trying to fit in" , I'm just being myself - acknowledging people and being polite, as any of my friends or family would too. It would be strange for me to ignore or blank people, and I'd feel rude doing that. But it's interesting that you see it that way, would you ignore someone that says hello when passing you?

OP posts:

HarrisMcCoo · 09/08/2021 22:12

Same happens with other dog walkers too, when I am out with my dog. You say hello and the odd one just blanks you🤷 that's life. Some folk just not interested in talking.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 09/08/2021 22:13

People are like this all of the time, I can't understand it. The first time I met my best friend I thought she had a right attitude problem, she wasn't friendly at all and was really uptight.
As it happened she was having awful problems at work and fighting a psychiatric problem.
After saying hello in a very friendly and open way every day for a month she finally warmed up to me and we are very good friends now but it felt like pulling teeth at the time.
I'd just try and be warm and friendly and consistent no matter what the reaction and someone will eventually be nice back.

Sandalsintherain · 09/08/2021 22:14

Definitely not you OP. I come across this all the time - particularly felt bad when DC first started nursery in our area which is a wealthy London suburb. Mainly snotty middle class try hards doing their best to only mix with people who look, act and speak like them. There was one mum in particular who whenever I dared to smile at her or say morning, she looked like she would have a breakdown and just look away. She wasn't shy or anything and lingered a lot with the other slim, blonde, middle class mums.

DC still in nursery but we moved to a new one for various reasons after the last lockdown. Maybe it's a different crowd or maybe I don't give a shit anymore but I like a bit of small talk and just ignore the twats who are too rude to smile or talk back.

I'm confident I will meet some nice parents soon to click with.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 09/08/2021 22:14

I don't agree that you are "trying too hard". What's the alternative - slink around all the time not trying at all? You will never make friends if you do nothing to acknowledge other people.

HarrisMcCoo · 09/08/2021 22:15

I have also been blanked at school gates. It's just one of those things. Best not to let it eat away at you as you have to do school run for years.

lobsteroll · 09/08/2021 22:15

They sound like the odd ones. It's not like you've gone up and asked what colour knickers they are wearing 🤣🤣 just typical friendly chit chat. I think you've just got unlucky with 2 miserable sods. Don't let it put you off just being yourself with others.

Abcdefg22220 · 09/08/2021 22:16

I get the same thing. Used to make me think I was unlikable too! Now realising people are just like this for some reason.

catsareme14 · 09/08/2021 22:17

You sound really lovely . Ignore them , they sound so rude .

gimmenachos · 09/08/2021 22:17

I'm in the north too and it's happened to me exactly as you describe so definitely not a regional thing. Mother and father of a little girl DS used to speak about often. Both the same, ignored my friendly hellos and looked at me like I was a piece of shit they'd stepped in. It used to bother me but now I just think how miserable their lives must be if they can't show any kindness to others. And I feel sad that their daughter will pick up on that. I don't give them the time of day now and save my energy for people who are interested. It's their loss, I'm lovely. And you sound lovely too - don't change!

iZombieMom · 09/08/2021 22:18

Definitely some parents are like this and it’s really strange. I was super naive when my first was invited to preschool birthday parties, the mums would be really nice during the day and then blank you when you’d see them in the playground the next. I was upset at first and took it to heart too, just came to realise that it was just how it was.
My Ds is about to go into yr 2 and I’ve met some wonderful parents now.
Hopefully you’ll find your parent tribe when you all get into the swing of full time school, don’t sweat it now.

BigPyjamas · 09/08/2021 22:19

You sound very likeable.

Sounds like it's them, not you.

Whilst I know many Mumsnetters will talk of school gate blanking, I've never yet experienced this. Lots of parents are looking to meet new people through school and you will hopefully meet some nice people.

Ignore the nursery weirdos!

Original poster

Whogotdakeystomabeamer · 09/08/2021 22:23

@Sandalsintherain

I'm confident I will meet some nice parents soon to click with.

This is interesting, as the area I'm in is fairly sought after and wealthy (now). Although was different when DH and I moved here. But I did wonder whether there might be an element of snobbery involved - I'm still on maternity leave and often do the nursery run with greasy hair and baby sick on my top, classy as ever.

OP posts:

Winemewhynot · 09/08/2021 22:28

It’s not that you’re unlikeable, they don’t know you to not like you.

Some people just don’t like talking to strangers and have no interest in engaging with them at all. To be honest I’m not a fan of idle chit chat with people I don’t know but would always smile and never blatantly ignore someone.

FergusSings · 09/08/2021 22:33

Some people are just not nice too and have no basic social politeness. Easy to say don’t worry when it’s happening to someone else but you really are better not getting involved with anyone who can’t be friendly.

Mischance · 09/08/2021 22:37

Nowt so queer as folk! Don't think it is you.

Whenever I find myself in a similar situation I always tell myself that I do not know what else is going on in their lives and their behaviour need not necessarily be something to with me specifically,

Sunnysideup999 · 09/08/2021 22:40

There are some weird people around 🤷‍♀️ .
Just ignore it and don’t let it put you off being friendly.

Littlepaws18 · 09/08/2021 22:44

My job means I have never really taken my DD to school, but now I'm on maternity leave I do every day, and wow the drama llamas are out enforce at the school gates. First day, two Dads were having a very loud conversation, where one was apologising for son's behaviour and the other was going on about how unforgivable it was- they had a fight. Second day group of women clearly discussing a child of another mom who was close by. The pushing too to get to the front of the queue! I honestly am glad I'm the odd newbie that no one approaches! This is a gauntlet of social booby traps not a place to make friends!

MinkeDinkie · 09/08/2021 22:46

@iZombieMom

Definitely some parents are like this and it’s really strange. I was super naive when my first was invited to preschool birthday parties, the mums would be really nice during the day and then blank you when you’d see them in the playground the next. I was upset at first and took it to heart too, just came to realise that it was just how it was. My Ds is about to go into yr 2 and I’ve met some wonderful parents now. Hopefully you’ll find your parent tribe when you all get into the swing of full time school, don’t sweat it now.

Oh this would be me!

I am TERRIBLE at recognising people. The other day I bumped into someone I had been on a day course with a few months previously. Literally had no idea who he was or that I had ever met him before. He was chatting away and knew who I was, what my job was, where I worked - all the while I was desperately trying to remember who he was and where I had met him before!! I need to see people a few times before the face sticks in my memory, especially if I see them out of the setting I first met them.

Clearly its not that I'd blank someone if they spoke to me though. I'd just be trying not to sound rude / look like a bit of a twit, all whilst hoping they would give a clue as to who they were and how I know them!

Wimpeyspread · 09/08/2021 22:47

@Winemewhynot

It’s not that you’re unlikeable, they don’t know you to not like you.

But how do you get to know people if you never talk to people you don’t know?

SmallChairs · 09/08/2021 22:48

You could just be unlucky with your specific environment. I’m socially confident and have moved around a lot and never struggled with friendships, but the Midlands village where DS started school was incredibly unfriendly. I concluded, after being friendly and open and volunteering etc around FT work for years that the other parents had almost all grown up in the village and not left, and simply had never really encountered stranger or learned how to behave around them.

We left. One year in, despite Covid, I’ve lots of new friends, some from the school gate.

SmallChairs · 09/08/2021 22:49

@Wimpeyspread, I think (based on my experience) that they don’t really want the trouble of a new person who hasn’t always known them.

MrsPumpkinSeed · 09/08/2021 22:52

Ah school playgrounds are a minefield.
It's not you.
I tend to walk onto the playground at the very last moment and avoid it all.
Nod and say 'morning' or 'hello' but nothing else.

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