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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blended family and holidays

77 replies

HolidayDilemma23 · 09/08/2021 09:15

To give a bit of background, growing up my parents always liked to go away on a main holiday every year, usually abroad. It was something that was important to them and I have good memories of. My husband never really did this as a child, not because they couldn't but just because different families do things differently and prioritise other things, which is obviously fine but it means my husband doesn't really share the same longing for a yearly holiday like I do!

Anyway, DH has two DC with his ex and we have a DD together.

As a family of 5 it's incredibly expensive to go away in school holidays and so we have never been away abroad together and as my husband isn't as fussed about doing so, he isn't really as interested as me at saving for it. He probably would if I really pushed him but it'd be a struggle.

I on the otherhand really want to start taking DD away and would actually happily do it alone if I had to.

AIBU to prioritise a holiday for me and DD somewhere nice every year knowing that we can't afford to all go?

Ps. Me and DH do not completely share finances, I was really badly burnt by doing this in the past and it's not something I want to do again. We have joint accounts for bills and a savings account for if anything happens to the house but other than that we have our own money and own savings which is how I prefer it.

My step children live with us 50:50 and have never been on holiday with their Dad and me. We have done some very short (one - two nights) UK stays but that's it. It's something he knows I'd definitely do but he's never really been fussed. Admittedly I am definitely more keen now I have DD as I really want her to experience it.

OP posts:
Whammyyammy · 09/08/2021 09:44

Get your tin hat OP. You're going to get hammered for considering taking your child on holiday and not your step children.

For what its worth, I think going on your own with your DD is perfectly fine. Do your SC holiday with their mother?

Original poster
HolidayDilemma23 · 09/08/2021 09:47

They have been on holiday with their Mum yes but only twice that I know of so certainly not every year. They do do a lot of days out with her though through the school holidays from what they tell us, theme parks, the beach, zoo that sort of thing.

OP posts:
TooMuchPaper · 09/08/2021 09:49

Take your dd and go.

Whammyyammy · 09/08/2021 09:51

If you can afford to take them, then I don't see why not.
If you can't afford for you all to go, I really don't see why your daughter should miss out on holidays.

negomi90 · 09/08/2021 09:51

I don't think he should go on holiday with 1 kid if he's never gone with his others.
He either needs to go with all of them or none of them.
You however can absolutely take your dd without him and have a brilliant time.

Original poster
HolidayDilemma23 · 09/08/2021 09:54

@Whammyyammy

If you can afford to take them, then I don't see why not. If you can't afford for you all to go, I really don't see why your daughter should miss out on holidays.
If my husband pulled his finger out and was motivated to save for it we probably could if we started saving early. But he really would need pushing to do that as he's just not that fussed.

But yes I could afford to take myself and DD ourselves without much stress!

OP posts:
Whammyyammy · 09/08/2021 09:58

If he's not prepared to commit and save, then just take your dd and have a good time. Your dd should not have to miss out.

Cuddlyrottweiler · 09/08/2021 10:02

He's treating them all equally, he doesn't want to take any of them on holiday. DSCs mum can take them on holiday, you can take DD on holiday.

Clymene · 09/08/2021 10:03

Do it!

Original poster
HolidayDilemma23 · 09/08/2021 10:04

@Cuddlyrottweiler

He's treating them all equally, he doesn't want to take any of them on holiday. DSCs mum can take them on holiday, you can take DD on holiday.
Thanks, this is what I thought. He isn't doing anything differently between them.

The only thing that made me feel a little bad is that they don't often go away with their mother either.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/08/2021 10:06

Go for it. Of course you should! Why should your daughter miss out because he doesn’t want the same for his older kids?

vivainsomnia · 09/08/2021 10:07

Going with your DD alone financed from your own disposible income is fine. Going with your DH when the kids are not there isn't.

How do your SCs feel about holidays though? Do they get to go with their mum? Do they care to go or are they like their dad and not that bothered? It is a bit tough on them if they would love to go where you take your DD, but ultimately, that's their father's failing, not yours.

Original poster
HolidayDilemma23 · 09/08/2021 10:10

I suspect my SC would really like to go on holiday. They've made comments before and I've said as such to DH.

They have been away with their Mum before but only twice, once for 4 days and the other for a week, since I've been with DH. I obviously don't know her situation though whether she would like to go more or whether she is similar to DH and not really as bothered about it as some people.

OP posts:
QuentinBunbury · 09/08/2021 10:10

I voted YABU because I think it would be good for you all to go together at least once. If DH never had family holidays he doesn't know what he's missing.
I think you should tell him you want to go abroad next summer and agree a savings plan.

Thingsthatgo · 09/08/2021 10:12

I think it’s absolutely fine for you to take your dd away with your money. It’s not ok for your DH shouldn’t go too though, unless he is prepared to take his other DCs too.

MarianneUnfaithful · 09/08/2021 10:16

I think it is fine for you to go away with Dd.

I would also push for a whole family hol at some stage and see whether he gets the holiday bug.

pumpkinpie01 · 09/08/2021 10:16

I would say to him you would like all of you to go on holiday and price something up . Break it down to monthly amounts and say this is how much we would need to save . If he really can't be bothered /isn't enthusiastic then I would look to go on my own or maybe with a friend who has a dc ?

pumpkinpie01 · 09/08/2021 10:17

When he sees you are serious and are going anyway he may well change his attitude.

Dragon50 · 09/08/2021 10:27

Agree with the rest, take your daughter in holiday if you want.

I would have a chat with him though to see if you could have a family holiday? Maybe cost up a break for next summer, show him how much you’d need (inc spending money, passports etc) and see if he is motivated to book something for the family.

Again, if not I’d let him know that I’m booking/have booked for you and your DC.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/08/2021 10:31

Fine for you alone with your child to go away if solely financed by yourself. Not fine if he is financing or joining you without his children.
It’s a shame he isn’t bothered about going away of the children would like to and it’s financially possible.

sofiegiraffe · 09/08/2021 10:34

Not unreasonable in the slightest! Take your little one away and enjoy! He's missing out; his problem.

cheekyfucker21 · 09/08/2021 10:35

The only thing that made me feel a little bad is that they don't often go away with their mother either.

As sad as this is, please don't feel bad about it. It's not your fault neither of their parents want to take them on holiday.

FawnFrenchieMum · 09/08/2021 10:40

I’d probably push for DH to save and try it once as a family of five. My DH was very much like yours (didn’t do it as a child so not all that bothered where as we did). Once we started going as a family he caught the bug and now prioritises it like me. If he doesn’t catch the bug then you & DD can go alone in future.

phishy · 09/08/2021 10:44

I think you ready posted this thread a few weeks ago and my answer is the same as it was then:

YANBU, take your dd and enjoy yourself!

Original poster
HolidayDilemma23 · 09/08/2021 10:45

I've tried previously by pricing things up, looking at how much we'd need to put away each month and so on... It's always 'lets not rush into anything', 'lets see nearer the time' or other excuses. I've kind of given up if I'm honest!

OP posts:
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