Page 3 | Blended family and holidays

ChocolateRiver · 09/08/2021 20:21

Totally get where you are coming from. My family always had a holiday abroad every year and I’ve got fantastic memories from them. It’s something dh and I try and do with our own children now (holidays here though since Covid). If your dh isn’t bothered about saving for you all to go then you should definitely take dd on your own.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 09/08/2021 20:53

I agree with negomi90 that it's fine for you to take your daughter on holiday but your husband shouldn't go.

cheeseismydownfall · 09/08/2021 21:03

Holidays are very important to me and so I fully understand where you are coming from.

I don't necessarily agree though that it has to be hugely more expensive to travel with five, vs three (I say that as a mother of three DC). Can you not look at, say, self catering in France? Ferry/tunnel cost is the same for 3 or 5, gite for probably only a little more expensive for one extra twin bedroom?

GrumbleB · 09/08/2021 21:37

It's 2 vs 5 not 3.

funinthesun19 · 09/08/2021 21:37

Go for it! Your DD shouldn’t miss out just because your DH isn’t bothered about holidays. And his older children’s opportunities aren’t for you to deliver either. Don’t feel bad.

OliviaNewtAndJohn · 09/08/2021 21:43

How does your DH use up his annual leave? Does he just potter around or what? It’s very beneficial to have a change of scenery and time away. If finances permit, could you set up a holiday account and put aside money monthly? Do you have an income too?

BookFiend4Life · 09/08/2021 21:51

Definitely take your daughter as often as you like/can afford. I do think it would be nice if you treated step kids to trip, maybe as a Christmas present. If I was you I would definitely be pushing husband to save for travel. Traveling can be a family value!

justustwoandmoo · 09/08/2021 22:01

I'm part of a blended family (partner has 2 daughters who are 5 and 7 and I have a 12 year old daughter). We try to get away somewhere all together even if it's a long weekend.

BUT I also take my daughter away just the 2 of us. Last one was a weeks adventure holiday in France. She still says it's the best holiday she's ever been on.Lol. I treasure those times just us two and plan on doing it until she's too cool to go on holiday with me!

Duchess379 · 09/08/2021 23:56

Take dd on holiday! My parents sound like your DH & his family. We never went on holiday, not because we couldn't afford to, but because my parents couldn't be bothered. I was envious of the kids at school that were going to Spain & Disneyland. We didn't even go on day trips. Was never taken to Thorpe Park, Alton Towers etc... 👍🏼

Frazzled2207 · 10/08/2021 00:00

Totally fine IMO to go away with your dd.
However I think you should also plan to go away sometime as a 5. Not necessarily abroad.

TwoLeftElbows · 10/08/2021 01:09

Interesting one.

At least one of you, probably both, are not being very adult about this. I think the family holidays need to be solved by talking to each other and compromising really. It's really quite shit if he is refusing to engage to such an extent that he is completely preventing a family holiday. For you to just up and do you and DD is quite extreme, I think.

We are not a blended family but I have a DH who dislikes holidays. Our compromise is we only to away every other year, and in between we do a week of "holiday at home" where we literally stay at our house and do days out etc. But you could also just do 3-4 days away or something. Inevitably the onus would fall on you to organise it. I'd take that as a given but have another push at engaging him on attempting a family holiday for 5, for the SDCs' sake.

aSofaNearYou · 10/08/2021 07:25

@TwoLeftElbows

Interesting one.

At least one of you, probably both, are not being very adult about this. I think the family holidays need to be solved by talking to each other and compromising really. It's really quite shit if he is refusing to engage to such an extent that he is completely preventing a family holiday. For you to just up and do you and DD is quite extreme, I think.

We are not a blended family but I have a DH who dislikes holidays. Our compromise is we only to away every other year, and in between we do a week of "holiday at home" where we literally stay at our house and do days out etc. But you could also just do 3-4 days away or something. Inevitably the onus would fall on you to organise it. I'd take that as a given but have another push at engaging him on attempting a family holiday for 5, for the SDCs' sake.

That seems like a huge amount of expectation for OP to do ALL the adulting while he drags his feet and does none of it. Even in a non blended family, I would call that wife work. Given that it IS a blended family, it's just too much to ask. If he wants his kids to go on holiday, he needs to be proactive about it. At the very least, he needs to not be resistant to it, with OP left trying to persuade him. There's nothing extreme about not martyring yourself to the mental load.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/08/2021 09:01

I think YABU to be in a relationship with someone with dc but not to see the dc as children of the family.

Marmitemarinaded · 10/08/2021 09:05

It’s the way you approach it that is important

Sell it as…. Let’s have a bit of alone time with our bio children. Once a year.

Marmitemarinaded · 10/08/2021 09:06

Don’t get caught up in financials etc
Just sell it as…. Alone time

aSofaNearYou · 10/08/2021 09:09

@Stompythedinosaur

I think YABU to be in a relationship with someone with dc but not to see the dc as children of the family.

Good job that is not what's being discussed here at all, and OP described herself as a "family of five" and spent most of the rest of the comments talking about her SCs feelings, then, isn't it.

🤦‍♀️

Stompythedinosaur · 10/08/2021 09:17

aSofa I suppose I've never come across a family with three biological children who've picked only one to take on holiday as it was cheaper.

It isn't really about the holiday, it is the message to the step dc about whether they are a "real" member of the family.

aSofaNearYou · 10/08/2021 09:21

@Stompythedinosaur

aSofa I suppose I've never come across a family with three biological children who've picked only one to take on holiday as it was cheaper.

It isn't really about the holiday, it is the message to the step dc about whether they are a "real" member of the family.

Yes, but OP is not the one sending that message, their father is. She wanted to take them, he isn't bothered. Meanwhile, OP made it very clear she views them as part of her family. So there was really no reason for you to phrase your comment as you did, besides engaging in mindless cliches.

lastcall · 10/08/2021 09:26

YANBU at all if you can afford it.

Why should your DH's lack of interest in holidays get to dictate your lives. Grossly unfair.

You like family holidays. You don't have to require him to go, but it shouldn't prevent you from taking your daughter on yearly holidays.

He can do other things with his daughter, just like his stepchildren do with their mother.

NailsNeedDoing · 10/08/2021 09:30

You should absolutely take your dd on holiday! If your DH goes with you then you need to take his children, but if he doesn’t want to go anyway then you can go and have a good time with your dd, and his kids will get their Dad to themselves when they’re there that week.

ChunkySloth · 10/08/2021 10:42

@HolidayDilemma23

To give a bit of background, growing up my parents always liked to go away on a main holiday every year, usually abroad. It was something that was important to them and I have good memories of. My husband never really did this as a child, not because they couldn't but just because different families do things differently and prioritise other things, which is obviously fine but it means my husband doesn't really share the same longing for a yearly holiday like I do!

Anyway, DH has two DC with his ex and we have a DD together.

As a family of 5 it's incredibly expensive to go away in school holidays and so we have never been away abroad together and as my husband isn't as fussed about doing so, he isn't really as interested as me at saving for it. He probably would if I really pushed him but it'd be a struggle.

I on the otherhand really want to start taking DD away and would actually happily do it alone if I had to.

AIBU to prioritise a holiday for me and DD somewhere nice every year knowing that we can't afford to all go?

Ps. Me and DH do not completely share finances, I was really badly burnt by doing this in the past and it's not something I want to do again. We have joint accounts for bills and a savings account for if anything happens to the house but other than that we have our own money and own savings which is how I prefer it.

My step children live with us 50:50 and have never been on holiday with their Dad and me. We have done some very short (one - two nights) UK stays but that's it. It's something he knows I'd definitely do but he's never really been fussed. Admittedly I am definitely more keen now I have DD as I really want her to experience it.

I think your plan is perfectly reasonable. If he thinks his dc should go, he can pull his finger out to make it work with you. Not put all of it on you.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/08/2021 10:45

He's treating them all equally, he doesn't want to take any of them on holiday. DSCs mum can take them on holiday, you can take DD on holiday.

^^i think this is the crux of it.

It’s a shame he won’t save to take all the kids though!

Just10moreminutesplease · 10/08/2021 11:10

I think it’s fine if you and your daughter go alone.

If your DH goes it’s different. He would be completely unreasonable not to include all of his children in a holiday. He would also be unreasonable to take your stepchildren and leave your shared daughter out.

junebirthdaygirl · 10/08/2021 11:19

As l love holidays l would really stress to dh that this is important to you. Important to you that he is there so his dc need to come. Set up a holiday account and get both of you paying into it for a year and go somewhere next year. I like to have my dh with me on holidays and while l would go alone it's not the same. He doesn't get to make all the decisions. This is what you want and sounds like ye can afford if if dh adds to the holiday account monthly.
My dc are grown now and they regularly talk about the holidays we had. It's good if his dc don't miss out on that and he will enjoy it if he goes.

DysmalRadius · 10/08/2021 11:25

Aside from the situation with the kids, this is something that you have told your husband is important to you and he's just 'not fussed'. Even when you have told him that you would like him to be involved and explained that his other children would like to do it too. Four of you want to go on holiday together and one doesn't - why does he get to decide?