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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Blended family and holidays

77 replies

HolidayDilemma23 · 09/08/2021 09:15

To give a bit of background, growing up my parents always liked to go away on a main holiday every year, usually abroad. It was something that was important to them and I have good memories of. My husband never really did this as a child, not because they couldn't but just because different families do things differently and prioritise other things, which is obviously fine but it means my husband doesn't really share the same longing for a yearly holiday like I do!

Anyway, DH has two DC with his ex and we have a DD together.

As a family of 5 it's incredibly expensive to go away in school holidays and so we have never been away abroad together and as my husband isn't as fussed about doing so, he isn't really as interested as me at saving for it. He probably would if I really pushed him but it'd be a struggle.

I on the otherhand really want to start taking DD away and would actually happily do it alone if I had to.

AIBU to prioritise a holiday for me and DD somewhere nice every year knowing that we can't afford to all go?

Ps. Me and DH do not completely share finances, I was really badly burnt by doing this in the past and it's not something I want to do again. We have joint accounts for bills and a savings account for if anything happens to the house but other than that we have our own money and own savings which is how I prefer it.

My step children live with us 50:50 and have never been on holiday with their Dad and me. We have done some very short (one - two nights) UK stays but that's it. It's something he knows I'd definitely do but he's never really been fussed. Admittedly I am definitely more keen now I have DD as I really want her to experience it.

OP posts:

Iwonder08 · 09/08/2021 10:46

Absolutely take your DD on holiday!! Your DH has a choice. He either joins you and pays for himself and his 2 children or he doesn't join you. It is not your responsibility at all to pay for either of them.

Original poster

HolidayDilemma23 · 09/08/2021 10:46

@phishy

I think you ready posted this thread a few weeks ago and my answer is the same as it was then:

YANBU, take your dd and enjoy yourself!

That's interesting! Definitely wasn't me but at least I'm not the only one!

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 09/08/2021 10:56

Don't let his disinterest hold you back, just go!

Dragon50 · 09/08/2021 11:16

If he has already dragged his feet then just book for yourselves.

He may change his mind after it’s been booked and if not then that’s not your issue.

SeasonFinale · 09/08/2021 11:32

Yes I agree - take DD and go. I also agree that it is okay to go as a family of 3 too which I know is not allowed by most MNetters.

therocinante · 09/08/2021 12:06

Definitely take your daughter - she shouldn't miss out cos her dad can't be arsed and it'll be good bonding time for you!

But it's sad for the SC and I'd be very, very unimpressed with a husband who was happy for his elder children to have fewer opportunities than his youngest - if you do take DD away and he's still not moved to act to ensure his children are treated fairly I'd be a bit concerned about what that says about his approach to parenting, tbh!

sofiegiraffe · 09/08/2021 12:09

I also agree that it is okay to go as a family of 3 too which I know is not allowed by most MNetters.

Why is this not allowed by MNetters?

Zhampagne · 09/08/2021 12:11

YANBU and I would just go for it in your position. If your parents are still around then it might be nice to go with grandparents too, so that there's the potential for a bit of a break for you too.

lunar1 · 09/08/2021 12:18

You and your dd shouldn't miss out because your DH isn't bothered about a holiday. It's a shame for his older children but given that he's not going either there is nothing unfair about it.

honeylulu · 09/08/2021 12:26

I would just go!
My husband has a similar attitude to holidays. Can't be bothered to think, research, plan, save. Doesn't really care if we go or not whereas it's much more important to me. When we go on holiday it's all down to me and I don't get any thanks.

We're not a blended family but our son is nearly 17 and daughter is only 7. Her school has a double half term in October/November. H won't holiday over a month end (accountant) and I'm seriously considering just going away with my daughter for a week. As son is older and has had lots of nice holidays before she was even born I don't think it's unfair. I'm also the higher earner so can easily afford it without dipping into the pooled family funds.

Leeds2 · 09/08/2021 12:32

I don't think YWBU to go on holiday just with your DD. If you told your DH that this is what you are doing, how do you think he would react? Would he want you to go without him? Just wondering if he is one of those people who doesn't want to do something, but would get unhappy if you did.

ClaryFairchild · 09/08/2021 12:40

Book for yourself and your DD, and maybe even join up with a friend as well who pays her own way.

One of 3 things will happen. Either you will have a great time and no one will be upset so all is good. Your DH feels really left out and gets upset nearer/after the holiday - too bad, he can save up for the next one. Or your SC get upset about it and you can lob it firmly into your DH's court and explain that he doesn't want to save up to take them, so they need to take it up with him.

Either way, you get your holiday!

acolderwar · 09/08/2021 12:42

I used to take my DS on great holidays on my own. When I moved in with XP who had older children we had to 'compromise' ie - go to places I never would have chosen for me and DS basically because XP and his kids wanted a Benidorm style all inclusive with a McDonald's on every street. As soon as we split up I took DS to SE Asia. I would never ever let a man and his lifestyle choices dictate my lifestyle choices (or opportunities for my DS) again.

I appreciate that your situation is different as you have a shared DC. The DSC are the responsibility of their two parents and if he isn't prepared to finance or make arrangements for a holiday abroad for them, that's his problem. Not yours. If he isn't prepared to pay for himself to go on holiday with you and your shared DC, just go without him. Don't let his inertia be the reason for you depriving yourself and your DC of new experiences.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 09/08/2021 12:48

@HolidayDilemma23

I've tried previously by pricing things up, looking at how much we'd need to put away each month and so on... It's always 'lets not rush into anything', 'lets see nearer the time' or other excuses. I've kind of given up if I'm honest!

I would push this a bit more and say it would be good for the five of you to go. Point out that the older ones don't go away with their mum. Work out how much you'd need to save for something like Eurocamp and tell him you'd like to start putting that aside from now for next year. You'll probably always have to be the 'driver' for holiday arrangements but you can do more than accept these fairly passive brush offs.

Potatoy · 09/08/2021 12:48

Please take your daughter on holiday, she shouldn't miss out because dad won't pay if you'll pay. Don't pay for his kids though, they have parents to pay.

Potatoy · 09/08/2021 12:49

It's up to DH if he pays to come along too if you invite him

Getawaywithit · 09/08/2021 12:51

Why is this not allowed by MNetters?*

Because they are not a family of 3, they are a family of 5.

Potatoy · 09/08/2021 12:53

@Getawaywithit

Why is this not allowed by MNetters?*

Because they are not a family of 3, they are a family of 5.

They are a family of 3 and also a family of 5 and also another family of 3. Not everything has to be done together. It's best to embrace the various permutations of "family" that exist within a step family.

Potatoy · 09/08/2021 12:56

The only thing that made me feel a little bad is that they don't often go away with their mother either. don't feel bad, their mother might be fine with them not going away. Why should your child miss out due to someone else's parent's choices?

sofiegiraffe · 09/08/2021 15:51

@Getawaywithit

Why is this not allowed by MNetters?*

Because they are not a family of 3, they are a family of 5.

So? I've been away without my eldest daughter before when she was staying with her dad. We've been away without my partner's kids because they live with their mum. And we will take our baby away too without either of the 3 eldest kids because they are teens and have other plans over the summer and don't want to spend the whole time with us. We aren't joined at the hip just because we share genetics ffs.

Chloemol · 09/08/2021 17:25

I would go, it’s up to him to fund him and his kids if he wants to go

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/08/2021 17:52

@SeasonFinale

Yes I agree - take DD and go. I also agree that it is okay to go as a family of 3 too which I know is not allowed by most MNetters.

It would be fine for them to go as a family of 3 if he took his other children on holidays sometimes well, but he doesn't so he can't just do holidays with one child and never with the others.

SeasonFinale · 09/08/2021 18:09

Ah but his kids go on holiday with their mother and family that side so by your reasoning the OP's daughter is allowed a holiday with her family - thus proving my assertion that tjisnis not allowed by MNetters!

Waxonwaxoff0 · 09/08/2021 18:34

@SeasonFinale

That makes no sense. It's about a parent taking their children on holiday. Presumably their mother takes all her children on holiday.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 09/08/2021 19:55

Go with your child OP and enjoy yourself.

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