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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Keeping oldest son in daycare during maternity leave?

92 replies

Samafe · 07/08/2021 14:24

I will be soon in maternity leave. My 2yo son is currently going 3 days/week at daycare, and he loves it. He keeps talking about his friends there and he seems genuinely happy.

My plan would be to have him take 1 month break from daycare while me and DH are both on leave, and then sending him again, but only 1 day/week, during my maternity leave.

My husband would instead prefer to keep him home for my whole maternity leave.

My reasons:
Keep his "social life" alive. Giving him a steady possibility to interact with other kids, no matter how crazy our life will be in few months.
He is really happy to go. If he takes a several months break, I am afraid he might not feel comfortable being back
Having few hours/week to focus on my second child

My DH reasons:
No need to spend money for daycare since I will be able to be home with him
Avoid bringing home the nasty daycare viruses and bugs

I feel we both have good arguments, so I appreciate your inputs :)

OP posts:
TheDevils · 07/08/2021 14:26

I would 100% out him in nursery at leat one day a week if you can afford it for all the reasons you've listed.

It's easy for your DH to say keep him at home but he's not the one at home with a newborn and a 2 year old.

MattyGroves · 07/08/2021 14:27

I would keep him going 2 days a week. It's you who would be looking after him so I think you get the casting vote. Unless your DH would take him for a whole day every weekend instead

Theraindropontherose · 07/08/2021 14:27

I understand your DH’s reasoning but if you can afford it ok, I would keep sending him. It keeps his routine, helps him develop social skills and will give you time to spend one to one with your baby - or even sleep when the baby sleeps if you can!

3womeninaboat · 07/08/2021 14:28

I did, 5 days a week for 2–3 hours. She loved it and it gave her a change and other activities that she couldn’t have had at home. Life with a newborn can be quite boring for an active toddler.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 07/08/2021 14:28

DH needs to put a sock in his mouth. preferably a sweaty, stinky one.
he's being a selfish, unreasonable, uncaring arsehole.

keep sending your son to playgroup. he'll have so much more fun with peers than a screaming, demanding baby at home.
he'll definitely benefit and you & baby will too.

Herecomesthesun70 · 07/08/2021 14:29

I'd be leaving him for his 3 days. Don't mess with his routine

Hardbackwriter · 07/08/2021 14:30

My DS1 still goes to nursery two days a week while I'm on maternity leave with his brother and I wouldn't even consider not doing this unless money is very tight. It gives you a break and a chance to concentrate on the baby and it gives him continuity and a space he enjoys where he doesn't have to wait for the needs of the baby. It's very easy for your DH to say that it's not necessary when he won't be the one at home with a baby and a toddler! It's so nice having those days where you can sleep when the baby sleeps etc - there's none of that when you're also caring for a toddler!

I wouldn't take him out for the month, either. I took DS1 out of nursery for the few weeks before I gave birth because it was the height of the January Covid wave and we were worried that if DS1 got it then DH would have missed the birth, and I was also worried about getting Covid late in pregnancy (it was before I could get vaccinated). I think that was the right decision for us at the time but it definitely wasn't ideal to interrupt DS1's routine at the same time as introducing the massive upheaval of the new baby - if you can I'd keep everything else as familiar as you can, including the daycare.

stripedino · 07/08/2021 14:30

My DC stayed in existing childcare schedule with baby was born ( 3 days per week) it was ideal for us all. It's hard work having two, in the least I would give yourself a day a week.. even then, it's with the baby. It is a huge adjustment for a child and 2 yo can struggle to understand what is happening - giving them normality via routine and structure is also important for them. They may wonder why their whole.life /including what they love has to change. I would also revisit suddenly having him off for the month your baby is first home.... Having him attend daycare whilst you and husband is not mean / it is giving everyone some space to adjust..toddler too. Respectfully to husband he is not the one who will be at home trying to manage a 2yo and baby - it's tough. Germs are inevitable I don't think this is a great argument! Best of luck.

MattyGroves · 07/08/2021 14:30

I meant 3 days, his normal routine

twinkie100 · 07/08/2021 14:32

I kept my eldest in the exact days they were already doing (4).

My SIL kept hers 5 full days, as did my best friend.

Your eldest will be bored and frustrated at home while you're feeding/tending to a baby all day. You won't be able to do all the things you did with your first with your second (baby sensory and new mum lunches with a toddler in tow are hard!!). It will be exhausting and frustrating for you. And then it will be a nightmare to settle TWO back into childcare when your mat leave ends.

Put your foot down on this one Wink

insancerre · 07/08/2021 14:33

You may find that you still have to pay if you take him out for a month
You may also find that you may lose your days if you drop them
Have you spoken to the nursery? They may have a waiting list and be able to fill your place and you may find it difficult getting it back

Hardbackwriter · 07/08/2021 14:33

Also, if you take him out for your maternity leave what will happen at the end of it? If he'll need to go back to daycare because you'll be back at work then you might not get the place back so you'd have to find a different setting - presumably you chose this one for a reason.

FluffMagnet · 07/08/2021 14:34

Mine is currently in full time nursery and our current plan is to leave her be at least for the first few months of maternity. I'll be recovering from an ELCS and newborns are dull. DD loves nursery and has such busy days with her friends, so it seems like a punishment to keep her home with me. Also, I don't want to risk our place for when I go back to work.

Sally872 · 07/08/2021 14:35

Many nurseries won't hold the space for you unless paying so removing him may mean he doesn't get back in.

If affordable I would think a few days per week is a nice balance for you to have days when toddler is focus and days when baby or rest is focus.

TheDevils · 07/08/2021 14:35

Have you spoken to the nursery? They may have a waiting list and be able to fill your place and you may find it difficult getting it back

This is a really good point.

RandomMess · 07/08/2021 14:36

You need to keep his place AND he will benefit from his usual routine.

Wjevtvha · 07/08/2021 14:37

I wouldn’t take him out for a month especially when life at home will be chaotic; keep that one part of his life consistent. When I had DS I kept DD in nursery 1 day a week then 3 days when the 3 year old funding came in and it did both me and her a lot of good, it was also good for baby DS to have one on one time

eightyfourandahalf · 07/08/2021 14:37

I think 1 day is too unsettling, I would stick to 2 days at least.

Of course leave him with his friends, it's good for everybody. He's given all the opportunities from nursery, is not stuck with and around a newborn baby all day long, give you a rest from feeling guilty because juggling toddler and newborn is hard!

It's not in his best interest to disrupt his routine, bring a baby and expect him to fit around the baby.

eightyfourandahalf · 07/08/2021 14:38

You may find that you still have to pay if you take him out for a month
You may also find that you may lose your days if you drop them

absolutely

nurseries would be mad to keep days opened for someone and not be paid for them!

Gumboots29 · 07/08/2021 14:39

I planned to keep my first in childcare (his usual two days a week) when my second was born. But my second was born at the beginning of coronavirus and we had no access to childcare so the older one was home for 6 months in the end (until he started school nursery).

I found it knackering with a CS and no support to give them both enough attention and my older one was at an age when he really liked the social interaction and the play.

So I’d go for it.

VimFuego101 · 07/08/2021 14:39

Surely they won't keep your place open if you pull him out and don't pay? And if you take him out, you'll need to re-settle him all over again at the end of your leave. I would definitely keep him in there if you can afford it.

Iusedtobesoooomuchfun · 07/08/2021 14:40

I agree with DH.

k4523 · 07/08/2021 14:41

I keep my 3 yo in 3 days a week

Sarah180818 · 07/08/2021 14:41

I dropped mine from 5 days at childcare to 3 when I went on mat leave. It was good for his routine but meant I had two days with both boys to do days out etc.. I wouldn't mess with his routine trust me although the days I had both of them were lovely it was hard work! Plus you need quality time with your newborn too and time to sleep when they do especially if you've had a rough night. You can't do that if you have a two year old at home too.

DoubleHelix79 · 07/08/2021 14:42

We've got a 4 year old DD and a 4 month old. The older one goes to a childminder 3 days per week despite me being on mat leave. It's saved my sanity - clingy baby who won't be put down - and DD has a great time there. When we tell her it's not one of the days she usually goes she is a bit disappointed. On days when she is here I try my best to take them both out and do more fun stuff, and when she isn't home I can relax on the sofa with baby attached to me without feeling guilty for neglecting the older one.

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