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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Keeping oldest son in daycare during maternity leave?

92 replies

Samafe · 07/08/2021 14:24

I will be soon in maternity leave. My 2yo son is currently going 3 days/week at daycare, and he loves it. He keeps talking about his friends there and he seems genuinely happy.

My plan would be to have him take 1 month break from daycare while me and DH are both on leave, and then sending him again, but only 1 day/week, during my maternity leave.

My husband would instead prefer to keep him home for my whole maternity leave.

My reasons:
Keep his "social life" alive. Giving him a steady possibility to interact with other kids, no matter how crazy our life will be in few months.
He is really happy to go. If he takes a several months break, I am afraid he might not feel comfortable being back
Having few hours/week to focus on my second child

My DH reasons:
No need to spend money for daycare since I will be able to be home with him
Avoid bringing home the nasty daycare viruses and bugs

I feel we both have good arguments, so I appreciate your inputs :)

OP posts:

pointythings · 07/08/2021 16:11

I kept DD1 in nursery while on mat leave with DD2. 5 days a week but shorter hours, still paying for full time to keep the place. It kept her routine and gave her something she didn't have to share with the baby, and it gave me some 1 to 1 with DD2. If you can afford it, do it. It isn't about saving money, it's about what is best for your DS.

BoaCunstrictor · 07/08/2021 16:18

I certainly wouldn't remove him with no guarantee there would be a place to go back to at the end of ML.

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 07/08/2021 16:25

I think you get to decide as you are looking after them both!!

But I wouldn’t say life at home with a newborn is boring for toddler and that he would have more fun with his peers tbh! I mean you do have to make an effort with the toddler but he will have loads of fun with you and the new sibling. There’s no reason you can’t do the playground, baking, soft play, library, museum, walks, craft etc with them both. And ime, toddlers really don’t mind about crying babies as much as their parents do!

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 07/08/2021 16:27

I also think it’s really important for tour toddler to bond with the new baby as see you as a team of three (obvs your DH is at work) rather than seeing you and the baby as a separate little unit. But it sounds like you will have lots of time together anyway.

purplemunkey · 07/08/2021 16:31

How close to 3 is your 2yo? The funded hours will be available then, which would help with costs (if these are applicable to you).

I'd also keep your elder DC in for the 3 days if it's affordable. He gets to keep his routine, you get some 1-on-1 time with the new baby and you all get time together as well.

thetaleunfolds · 07/08/2021 16:33

My DS has stayed in and i never considered anything different. He loves it there, it’s routine at a time when his home life is already changing. Pregnancy is hard when you have a toddler too so the time is well deserved, and once baby is here it’s allowing time for each of them to have attention

cadburyegg · 07/08/2021 16:33

I had a 3 year gap between my two. There was never any question that we would keep DS1 in nursery because we’d have lost the place if we took him out. He was only doing one day at that point but I increased it to two days half way through my leave. It meant I could take DS2 to baby groups and met new friends, we’d just moved to the area so I wanted to meet as many new parents as I could. It also meant we had lots of days where I had both of them.

Sexnotgender · 07/08/2021 16:33

I’d 100% continue with daycare if you can afford it.

I’ve got a 4 month old and a 2.5 year old who goes to nursery 4 days.
I totally underestimated how hard going from 1-2 is. New baby is exclusively breastfed and trying to establish breastfeeding with a toddler is hard. My baby is currently fast asleep on me while my husband wrangles the toddler.
Believe me you’ll appreciate the time they’re at daycare!

pigsDOfly · 07/08/2021 16:41

I'd definitely keep on with his routine of 3 days a week.

He loves it, you get to spend relaxed time with your new born; win, win.

It's not as if you're sending him away to live with his grandparents, he'll still have load of days when he's with you and his new brother or sister.

He's settled and has made friends. If you take him out or send him for fewer days he's going to miss it, and he's probably going to be very bored, then when he goes back to the 3 days it's almost like he'll be going back to being the 'new boy'.

Let him keep to what works for him.

CharityDingle · 07/08/2021 16:46

Keep him going there. It's an important part of his little world now and it would be a shame to disrupt it if there is no need to do so.

It will give you a bit of a breather, and time with the new baby. Two friends, in a similar scenario did this. One had the older one with a childminder and tbh, the child would have been heartbroken if she couldn't continue on there. It was her little world, and she absolutely adored the childminder. They possibly did shorter hours or weeks, but the important thing was for the older child, it kept her routine, while adjusting to no longer being the one and only.

The other friend when she returned to work, on a four day week, kept one day free every fortnight by keeping the children going to the crèche. It gave her a chance to catch up with everything else, and everyone was happy.

Hardbackwriter · 07/08/2021 16:46

There’s no reason you can’t do the playground, baking, soft play, library, museum, walks, craft etc with them both.

But there's also no reason why you can't do that two/three/four days a week and then have a couple of days just chilling with the baby! I personally wouldn't continue to send an older child to full-time childcare - though I can see why if that's their usual routine you might consider sticking with it for consistency - but sending them a couple of days a week seems so much the best of both worlds that I don't know why you wouldn't do it if it was financially viable.

8dpwoah · 07/08/2021 16:52

My DD will be going for two days while I'm on mat leave with her sister, partly to keep her place at the nursery bit mainly for as you say to give her a social life etc. She does enjoy nursery and will only be going 8.30-4.30 (to fit meal times) and we've factored the cost into out budget for while I'm off.

That way baby also gets two days of one to one, which DD had all the time of course, and we can go to a particular baby class that DD and I really enjoyed if we both want to.

She will have a week or two off when the baby arrives and if things change we will review but I can't see how being at home 7 days instead of 5 will be of more benefit than her going. Obviously we are lucky that we can afford it as I've saved up my half of the bill during this last year.

Quitelikeacatslife · 07/08/2021 16:57

Def keep 2 days on and see how you feel for the first month, if you are paying anyway maybe play it by ear.
One way to look at it is giving the baby that undivided time that you gave your first, time to go to baby groups or baby yoga or whatever, meeting babies and friends for new babies age group rather than everything being focussed on toddler (which it would be)
Also better for your toddler to keep up friendships and new experiences at nursery

Highflyingadored · 07/08/2021 17:18

Keep him in. If you want to save money then drop to 2 days. The first term after 3rd birthday goverment give 30 hours free childcare which is 3 days a week term time or 2.5 days stretched over 50 weeks so you could increase again.

I had my 2nd daughter just before lock down, she was 5 months old when nurseries shut. Granted we were stuck at home but it was hard work with a 2(nearly 3) year old and a new born. Also the little one didnt get as much attention as I would of liked.

There are pros and cons but the social interaction for older one and alone time for you and baby is a major pro to me

CharityDingle · 07/08/2021 17:20

And as I mentioned upthread, the older one is adjusting to having someone new in their world, so disrupting something they are enjoying, to coincide with the new arrival, wouldn't really be ideal, imo.

ZenNudist · 07/08/2021 17:22

Keep the 3 days. Nicer for everyone. Absolutely essential in the first few months anyway. Looking after baby is hard enough. You will be to busy dealing with baby to attend properly to toddler. Assuming you BF.

Kanaloa · 07/08/2021 17:22

If you can afford it I’d keep sending him, even if you lower his days. I used to have a little boy in my key group who’s parents worked seasonally - they would send him half the year and not the other half. The result was a nightmare. Every time he came back he had sort of forgotten us and it was like trying to settle a new child. It will be better for him to stay if he is settled there.

Muggee · 07/08/2021 17:22

Keep his routine with day care I would, still plenty of time as a family of 4, but it'll be good for him and also nice for you to have time alone with baby/be able to relax when baby sleeps. It is an extra expense but you aren't guaranteed a place if you pull him out so I would say it's a good investment anyway, maybe cut hours a bit if possible?

twinningatlife · 07/08/2021 18:17

If you are just taking 20 weeks I'd leave him in childcare

MaryShelley1818 · 07/08/2021 21:26

Just really to echo what everyone else has said and keep your child in nursery. They are about to experience the biggest upheaval in their little life, nursery is a source of normality, routine, their friends and social interaction with peers. We have a 3yr old and a 6mth old baby. Toddler has continued his 2 days at nursery, 1 day with Grandma. He gets 2 days as a family of 4, 2 days with mammy and new baby. This allows me time to rest (baby is an awful sleeper), means he doesn't have to tiptoe around a sleeping baby, means I can take DD to baby groups.
I think it would be really unkind to disrupt him by removing him for a month. I can't see the logic in that at all.

Alreadyexhausted · 08/08/2021 08:25

Personally I'd keep him in. It is a stabilising factor during a lot of upheavel in his life. Is he close to 3yo to access the funded hours?

Toddler and baby groups are not running as normal at the moment - another factor to consider.
Unless you have significant family help nearby it maybe the only break you get.

LittleMowf · 08/08/2021 08:31

@TheDevils

I would 100% out him in nursery at leat one day a week if you can afford it for all the reasons you've listed.

It's easy for your DH to say keep him at home but he's not the one at home with a newborn and a 2 year old.

Totally agree with this. Ask your DH what he’d do if roles were reversed.

We kept our 2 year old DS at nursery for either 2 or 3 days a week when I was at home with his baby sister. The rest of the time, I had them both at home.

We had no family support, he liked his nursery (he’d ride in with DH on the train), and I felt zero guilt.

sunflowerdaisies · 08/08/2021 08:35

We decided to take ours out because of money. It was very expensive and I was only on statutory mat pay. I would have left her in if money was less of an issue, but she and I were fine with her being home with the baby and me too!

89redballoons · 08/08/2021 08:41

I agree with your arguments, as long as you can afford it.

My DS is 20 months and was due to start nursery next September, but we've found out I'm pregnant again and due in April. We are looking at bringing his nursery start forward to January now so that he'll hopefully be settled by the time baby arrives. He'll have something to do outside of the house that is just for him, and I'll get some time to spend alone with our newborn.

Fortyfivepotholes · 08/08/2021 08:44

Kept my older children in childcare (3 days a week), sometimes picked them up earlier, on nice days when I felt with it sometimes didn’t send them in but they liked going, I liked the 1:1 time, and newborns aren’t very interesting to todddlers (or at least, not for a whole day)

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