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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Keeping oldest son in daycare during maternity leave?

92 replies

Samafe · 07/08/2021 14:24

I will be soon in maternity leave. My 2yo son is currently going 3 days/week at daycare, and he loves it. He keeps talking about his friends there and he seems genuinely happy.

My plan would be to have him take 1 month break from daycare while me and DH are both on leave, and then sending him again, but only 1 day/week, during my maternity leave.

My husband would instead prefer to keep him home for my whole maternity leave.

My reasons:
Keep his "social life" alive. Giving him a steady possibility to interact with other kids, no matter how crazy our life will be in few months.
He is really happy to go. If he takes a several months break, I am afraid he might not feel comfortable being back
Having few hours/week to focus on my second child

My DH reasons:
No need to spend money for daycare since I will be able to be home with him
Avoid bringing home the nasty daycare viruses and bugs

I feel we both have good arguments, so I appreciate your inputs :)

OP posts:

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 08/08/2021 08:47

Keep him at nursery the 3 days if you can afford it. Life is hard with two young kids and a few hours to sleep and breastfeed etc will be invaluable.

Ask you husband if he is prepared to take over looking after both kids for a couple of hours a day and see what response you get?

Buckleyourseatbelt · 08/08/2021 08:50

Two days a week at least if you can afford.

letsmakethishappen · 08/08/2021 08:54

Don’t change anything

MindyStClaire · 08/08/2021 08:57

Hahahaha oh your husband thinks it would be best if you looked after both of them by yourself everyday does he? Oh I suspect he would feel differently if it were him doing it.

We left our two year old in full-time for all the reasons on this thread. Worked well for all four of us. And yes I think the initial few weeks are when the childcare will be most useful, both to give you a bit of a break and to keep your eldest in his routine.

There’s no reason you can’t do the playground, baking, soft play, library, museum, walks, craft etc with them both.

The reason I couldn't do that at first was a c section. I had a straightforward recovery but it did take the six weeks until I was confident enough carrying DD1 that I could've managed an outing by myself with both of them, or even a full day at home (lifting to cot, off the floor after a tumble etc).

Shelby2010 · 08/08/2021 09:02

Maybe drop it to 2 days per week if you can afford to. I wouldn’t take him out for a month either - that’s when he most needs the stability of his normal routine. It was important to me to have a couple of days a week when I could just focus on the baby. The other days seemed to revolve around the toddler’s timetable of activities & trips to the park etc.

Also if you take him out of childcare for a year, then he might find it difficult to re-settle.

TheKeatingFive · 08/08/2021 09:03

Don’t change anything

This. If he’s enjoying it and you can afford it, why mess with the routine?

It might not be the most fun for him at home if the baby is taking a lot of your time. Nursery gives a good balance for him.

Hahahaha oh your husband thinks it would be best if you looked after both of them by yourself everyday does he? Oh I suspect he would feel differently if it were him doing it.

Ab-so-fucking-lutely

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 08/08/2021 09:09

Ds only did one day in nursery anyway and I was a SAHM. I had previously worked part time and he had been used to being in a nursery 3 days a week anyway. When I became a SAHM we kept him in for the one day as he loved it, had a great time socialising and I got to blitz the house/shop etc.

We upped him to 2 days so Monday and Friday as he was just turned 3 when Ds2 was born and Dh would only have 2 weeks off work paternity leave (15 years ago). If you can afford 2 or 3 days definitely do it. He will still be spending more time with you than at nursery, but even if it was 5 days at nursery lots of parents work full time and need to retain the full time place at nursery.

Your Dh isn't going to be the one at home with two children to look after so he can keep his opinions to himself

Ilikeviognier · 08/08/2021 09:11

Nursery all the way. I had a 16 month age gap and oldest went 2 days a week during my Mat leave. It worked really well for everyone. Alone time with baby, Space and socialising for toddler.

Also- Your husband isn’t the one looking after them both so the decision affects you the most.

JaggedLittlePilI · 08/08/2021 09:23

I'd really take heed of the messages on this thread OP. I was desperate for my 2yo to go back to nursery 4 days after my baby was born - I needed the sleep! He needed his routine too. He goes twice a week and it really saves my sanity. I agree with others it's very easy for your husband to say when he's not the one recovering from a birth and looking after two small children. I'm fairly anti-sceeens but my toddler did spend a fair bit of time on the ipad whilst I fed in the early days, not exactly quality time with him.

I know it's hopefully not likely to happen, but imagine if there's another lockdown or firebreak in the autumn. I honestly don't know how I would have coped in the winter/spring when so much was shut and you couldn't meet indoors if I'd had my toddler with me 5 days a week. He's hardy and a real outdoors boy but I think I'll always remember him crying with cold whilst I had a fortnight old baby in the freezing park as it was the only thing we could really do to fill the day.

metellaestinatrio · 08/08/2021 09:42

Adding to the overwhelming chorus advising you to keep him at nursery unless the finances are really tight. Maybe consider reducing from three to two days. I had a 2.5 year age gap and kept DS in nursery three days per week while on mat leave with DD. It was the perfect balance - I had time with DD to bond and, later, do things like baby swimming that would have been impossible with a toddler and DS stayed in his routine and kept his place at nursery, his familiar friends and teachers etc. I found that on the two non-nursery days the baby just got lumped around fitting in with the toddler’s activities, days out, play dates etc. so it was really nice for her to have some time with me by herself.

If you keep DS off for four weeks after the birth you’ll find that DH has to pretty much do everything for the toddler which may encourage him to see your point of view re keeping the nursery days…

Original poster

Samafe · 08/08/2021 10:05

Thanks again to all of you! We discussed it again yesterday evening over a glass of wine (well, at least for him, for me herbal tea ) and we agreed the following:
-we will keep sending him for sure at least 1 day, without any break even in the first month
-we see how this first month goes, and if needed we up it to 2 days/week.

I am gonna call the daycare tomorrow to ask for feasibility, they are normally quite flexible because we live in a not so populated area, but we need to confirm with them first :)

Thanks again!

OP posts:

callmeadoctor · 08/08/2021 10:38

I think Id up his days in nursery!!!!

BrushMySmush · 08/08/2021 10:44

If we had a second when my DD was in nursery she would still have gone the same two days (grandparents did the other two days I worked).

At least do one day, you need a day just with the new baby and your older one needs the interaction with other children.

jamsandwich1 · 08/08/2021 10:48

My DS goes his usual 3 days while I’m on mat leave. It is v hard with a toddler and baby and allows me to spend some time with my DD. He also loves it and gets so much out of it! I took him out for a couple of weeks when DD was born and DH was on paternity leave in case he felt pushed out but I think that just disrupted his routine and he seemed to accept DD more when he started back after his brief break.

DoingItMyself · 08/08/2021 10:56

Keep his routine. That argument trumps all others.

sunflowerdaisies · 08/08/2021 10:58

Glad you have come to a decision. I'd have done the same if it hadn't cost so much (£72 a day!). However, it was fine being home full time with them both so don't worry about the other days! My baby did come to a lot of groups aimed at older children but was fine, she slept a lot to start and then started enjoying watching the older ones once she was a it bigger. We had a lot of fun, just took a long time to leave the house with two in nappies etc.

AllTheSingleLadiess · 08/08/2021 11:01

I would keep him in if finances allow. Your older son will get to do activities catered to his age while there which can only be a good thing and help you feel less guilty for when you have a baby glued to you.

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