To give up my kids?

[rghltifndn]

I’m a single mum of 3.

One a toddler, one with additional needs.

I just cannot cope anymore.

I have no support network.

No family or friends probably because I am a horrible person with mental health issues.

No input from ex.

I fantasise about committing suicide on a daily basis because I can’t cope with how relentless my life is.

I never, ever get a break.

Oldest and youngest have sleep issues so I barely get any sleep.

I can’t go on.

They would be better off without me but l don’t know how to go about doing this.

[CornishPastyDownUnder]

no-one has the right to tell you how to feel.You are definitely not being unreasonable&i know id feel the same way-i was almost there many years back as a single mum with severe pnd.
I really hope you can just mention this to someone in a healthcare/medical setting.You absolutely need a break and space away from your kids and im sure you've done an amazing job in what is essentially a thankless&never-ending role.These bleak &depressing times will be adding to the burden and isolation but just ensuring you can think a little more clearly with some sleep and physical distance (and possibly medication)will mean you can make decisions that arent unfixable-and you can come back from..if you still feel the same way -ok well you explored every option&ultimately did your best. Sending you a big hug&hoping you find some peace.

[2LostSoulsSwimmingInAFishBowl]

You really need to book an appointment with your GP, you need help with your mental health as well as the lack of support you have with the children. My sympathies OP. The way people who are caters to their children or other relatives are treated here is appalling. Literally just left to get on with it, have to jump through a significant number of hoops when we request help. Is your child who has additional needs at a special school? If so, I’ve found they can be really helpful signposting the correct support and what you can say when you enquire about it. I hope things get easier for you soon.

[JellyNellie]

Can you ring your helath visitor and get a support worker,this will help you alot you will get help where it is needed,she will visit as she feels is needed l,and you'll also get breaks from your children,don't forget everybody needs a break from time to time.

[Alternista]

Ah OP you sound exhausted. You poor thing.
Here are a load of questions that occur to me; I work in a vaguely related field. You don’t have to answer them, I’m just putting them down in case any of them could help you:

What level of additional needs does your child have?

Do you have a social worker or any entitlement to respite/short breaks etc?

Are you registered as a family carer in relation to your child with additional needs and if so can they offer you any support?

Do you work full or part time, and would changing your hours help (ie more hours to earn more and send kids to nursery for a break, or less hours and claim benefits and be better able to cope?)

You’re a teacher so am assuming you’re on school holidays, would any of your kids be able to go to a holiday club or childminder for a few hours?

Have you ever been in touch with Homestart?

Just random thoughts in case one of them can offer help. If you post what LA area you live in, someone on here might be able to signpost you to some support in your area?

[DancyNancy]

@RandomMess that is very good suggestion if op can afford. The sleep deprivation is torture. It's literally a form of torture.

OP I terms of career worries I understand that fear and of course there is a worry of impact there. However, if we are talking about choosing between your career or your life....please choose your life.

Careers can be rebuilt. There are other jobs. There is only one you and one life. If your life is gone then your career is gone anyway.
If your career is gone you still have a chance at life. Xx please pick yourself

[purpleboy]

Oh op so sorry to read this. Sleep deprivation is the worst and everything seems 100x harder when you've had no sleep. I have no practical advice but there has been plenty of good suggestions already on this thread. So I just want to send you my support and let you know your not alone, even though it feels like it

[YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet]

Hello @rghltifndn we're so sorry to hear how you're feeling. You do not sound remotely like a horrible person and your children would not be better off without you. Please remember that you're only human and have a heck of a lot on your plate. We're glad to see that you've reached out for help, but you may also want to take a look at our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. You could also get in touch with Gingerbread who offer support and run groups for single parents around the country.

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Best wishes from all at MNHQ.

[vivainsomnia]

Op, I feel for you.

All I can say is that sleep makes a massive difference between being able to cope and not, so if you are very much sleep deprived, it's no surprise you feel the way you do.

Getting your kids to sleep normal hours has to be your upmost priority. Forget everything else beside essential and just try to see if you can gather the little energy you have left to tackle this. It is likely to be painful, even more exhausting and depressing to start with, but once you get there and things are better sleep-wise, you will be a different person and all the things that sounds unmountable at the moment won't seen half as bad with some proper sleep.

You cant do it alone, seek help from professionals to focus on the sleep issue.

[stepupandbecounted]

Op you are doing well a teaching job is no walk in the park, nor is raising three children on your own.

You need to pay for help, or ask the SS to get involved to support you. You sound exhausted and burnt out and in desperate need of some time off. You have reached the end of the road so to speak, and it happens to the best of us. Unless you get the help you need you won't be able to continue with your teaching work anyway, if you need to take a career break or time off leave then so be it. You have to come first for now, and your children need you.

Support is what you need, and I know it is so thin on the ground, but it is out there.
Do you have any savings?
The children's father can help with organising some proper help for you and the dc?
This is the time to throw the kitchen sink at getting some proper childcare in place to give you space to start to feel better. Ask your family to lend or give you money if they are not prepared to pitch in and help. Be honest about your circumstances. Do what you need to do to get the help you need. Sell off stuff, get some reserves and spend it all on good hired help until you are feeling in a much better place.

Your GP needs to be contacted so she can offer some help if medication is needed, they can refer to counselling for support and a mental health team to help you as well. I am so sorry it is so difficult.

[stepupandbecounted]

Homestart are also operating again.

[rghltifndn]

Thank you everyone.

I am getting dressed now to drive down to the Crisis Team or if no joy there A&E.

I have resigned myself to the fact that I will lose my career over my mental health and possibly my kids, but I’m scared of the consequences if I don’t get help.

Overnight care for kids is beyond me financially - caring for three by myself is expensive and I get no regular maintenance.

I applied to CMS but as ex is funded by his parents, on paper he has no income so is not responsible for kids.

I asked Universal Credit for an advance a week or so ago to pay for counselling and play scheme and they refused as I marginally earn too much as a part-time teacher.

I simply can’t afford to pay up front and wait weeks for them to reimburse.

(This is not at all me asking for money, just explaining how broke the system is. Apparently we can’t force absent dads to parent but we can force mothers who are struggling)

My eldest is in the process of ASD diagnosis. Lots of traits and life is very difficult at home but as no there are apparently no issues at school, I can get no support from them.

Have spoken to safeguarding team weeks at a local women’s charity and they said they’d put in a referral for a support worker. I’m still waiting for a call back.

I just need a break and the opportunity to get better.

[TatianaBis]

Good luck OP with the crisis team.

This is a situation in which social services and possibly short term foster care might help to help you get your life back together.

[Nc4post99]

Well done to you for seeking help. Your children are lucky to have you.

I know you mentioned worries about your career, would you be able to take a sabbatical to give you some mental respite whilst you get help? Xx

[Sleephead1]

So sorry you in this situation.Hope you get dome help today. I dont know if this will help but in my area they have safer families its a charity that social services can refer to and they can offer family support in a few different ways. One is matching to a voulenteer who will come and can take children out for the day and sometimes over night. They can also do short breaks with the children. Someone who I know who needed this kind of support found it very helpful but they did already have social service support in place but might be worth enquiring about. Local childrens centre sometimes have home start voulenteers who can help at home. I would also try looking up local charities we have a family gateway that can offer support to families that are struggling. Good luck and I hope you get some support today

[stepupandbecounted]

Well done op. You are doing the right thing for you and for your children.

It sounds like you are all they have op, and that is a big responsibility for now, but they do grow up and it won't always feel this way I promise you. You are at a very hard point and stage now, but it will get easier.

Everywhere is crying out for teaching staff, you can pick up another job when you are better op. For now, you are getting the help you need first and foremost. Jobs are plentiful but you are not, there is only one you, and right now your needs come before all else.

Please can you update us on after you have spoken to them?

We are all behind you op. Put your foot down and tell them everything you have told us.

[aquashiv]

Op don't worry about losing your job. You won't that would be discrimination and besides you know yourself as a teacher there is a mental health crisis right now in schools. Reaching out for help shows your strength not weakness.
Parenting kids with SEND is exhausting and emotionally and financially draining. Have you had an assessment from social care to check you are claiming all your entitlements and accessing all the support. Don't be afraid of social workers they aren't the child catcher but if you have one then they can be support for you and the children. They might know where and how to apply.
You sound over whelmed understandably so. You also want help.
Start with your GP ensure you book an appointment with one who is kind I ask the receptionist they know loads.
Take any referral or help offered. Saying you are suicidal at times is important. No one will take your children away but they will take you seriously.
Ensure you prioritise your mental health ask for counselling.
The women's charity should help. That's economic abuse your partner is diberately trying to put you at a disadvantage. Ensure you claim through CMS who knows what he is earning they will keep tabs on him and they are wise to this behaviour.
Take one step at a time. You have got this you will climb out of this black hole. Xxx

[Inni632]

OP, I cried reading through your posts.

I was there too. Struggling and always contemplating suicide. The one thing that kept me clinging to life was my DS.

Please get the support you need, we are here whenever you want you can pop a post here. it may seem unhelpfully but we hear you and understand you. Life with young ones (esp 3) and working on top with sleep deprivation and no support sounds so scary and difficult. The only thing I can say is it will get better! I promise.

I'm assuming youre off work now, I'm trying to think of activities that will keep the kids occupied while you can rest and focus on healing. Maybe more screen time? Painting (it can get messy) Sand and water always keeps mine busy for an hour or two.

You are important, just as much as your DCs

[Namenic]

You’re doing the right things in being persistent in seeking help. This is the responsible thing for both your children and yourself. Keep going and trying the different avenues - would there be be some short term foster care that might help while you recover? Could you see GP and ask for a referral to social services for help?

[PumpkinPie2016]

you are doing absolutely the right thing seeking help.

Please be assured that you won't lose your career. I am a teacher in a leadership position and have a member of staff with mental health issues - I have worked with him and other staff to support him in any way we can. Certainly no question of us not wanting to keep him.
Can you talk to a trusted colleague/line manager/headteacher-they should absolutely support you.

[Phineyj]

From another teacher, try not to even think about work right now. Things could be a bit better in a month.

There is govt funding for holiday playschemes this year. Have you looked on your council website? Churches can also be fab, whether or not you're religious. If you go to a food bank (even if you don't need the food) they may have ideas for support?

I have an ASD /ADHD child who had bad sleep up to the age of about 7.5 until we saw a paediatrician and were prescribed melatonin. I found a lot of helpful info and a terrific local Facebook group via the websites of charities for those conditions. I also discovered that Mencap locally provide support for parents of Autistic DC.

I think you should just ignore your unhelpful relatives to be honest.

There's also the Education Support partnership hotline you can ring (it's free).

Good luck...

[Treaclepie19]

OP you can hear your strength through your posts.
You're doing amazingly to be fighting so hard to get support. I wish you didn't need to and it was readily available.

I hope you can manage to get some support. There are lots of knowledgeable people who have already posted so I won't pretend I know the right avenues.

[TrueRefuge]

Oh OP. I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles, I can totally understand why you feel as you do.

Well done on seeking help. Know that you deserve it. I hope you'll be supported by the system.

If you need any other support, I believe the charity SANE offers free or sliding scale therapy, if you need something before being offered something on the NHS. ADs aren't going to be enough if you have suicidal thoughts, so do try and find the energy to fight for a proper treatment plan.

I really wish you the best of luck. Your thread has really touched me. You deserve a better life than the one you have now, and I hope slowly but surely you can build it.

PS This isnt a priority, but you need better friends. Those people treated you like shit. If someone I loved came to me with your situation, there's no way id tell them to cheer up. Awful behaviour.

Best wishes OP

[messybun101]

I couldn't read and run

Random made a really good point here Sleep deprivation is hideous and known as a torture technique because it works.

This is so so true. Op you're doing great asking for help and additional support. You need some rest x

[KateF]

I'm so sorry things are so difficult for you. I was in a similar position as a single parent of three and two with additional needs. I was also commuting to London every day, had no family and a horrible ex who wouldn't help at all. I was beyond exhausted but kept going with suicidal thoughts constantly until I had a breakdown.

Please keep asking for help from your GP and mental health team The domestic abuse workers at the Children's Centre have supported me amazingly and Homestart were also great when the kids were younger. Help is out there but you have to shout loudly and that's so hard when you're exhausted.

You won't lose your job. I dropped the London job and now work in childcare. My mental health has not been a barrier at all. I'm poor but happy! My children had a difficult few months while I was acutely unwell but are all doing fine now.

Keep posting here. MNetters can be wonderfully supportive.

[Shuffleuplove]

Hope today goes well OP. It won’t always feel this way.