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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be furious with my mum's car-damaging neighbour?

125 replies

fourminutestosavetheworld · 07/08/2021 08:05

About six months ago, as my mum sat in her stationary car outside her house, the opposite neighbour reversed out of his driveway and hit her car.

He was initially livid that she was parked in front of her own house but his wife was calmer, apologised and took responsibility. They persuaded by mum not to put it through the insurance and said that they would pay if she got the work done privately - I know, I strongly advised against this at the time.

She's in her 80s and on her own. Over the past six months she's been in hospital after a brain haemorrhage but we still found time to find someone who would repair her car as cheaply as possible. We got lots of quotes and she was determined to make it as cheap as possible for his benefit (they've got a young family).

Went round yesterday to tell him it was £600 and he laughed and told us to fuck off. We asked if he'd pay half - no. He shouted 'you're lucky I'm not making you pay for mine.' I'd have stood my ground but my mum was crying and begging me to leave it.

There's nothing we can do is there?

OP posts:

MuddyStiletto · 07/08/2021 10:15

@bongbigboobingbongbing

I would definitely speak to the police about it. Worst case scenario they tell you they can't do anything. Best case scenario they go round and have a conversation with him. That would shit him up a bit.

I agree, especially as you don't live near her Your poor mum

Howmanyusernamesonmn · 07/08/2021 10:18

What a bullying bastard. Your poor mum Can you go around?

I’d also get cctv or a Ring Doorbell put up at the front of her house so you can keep an eye out. Bit then I’m the cautious type.

AuntieJoyce · 07/08/2021 10:20

If it’s any consolation OP my 80 yo DM had exactly the same scenario and Claimed on her insurance. Neighbour lied and claimed it was knock for knock. DM’s insurance company wanted to settle but she insisted on taking it to court and the other side solicitors settled literally 12 hours before the court case. I’m telling you this because it was hugely stressful even though she had her claim settled. Personally in your situation I would just leave it and lesson learned given the stress caused

BertramLacey · 07/08/2021 10:21

You need to be a expert now to comment on a MN post??

No, but if you post without any knowledge, do expect to get called on it, particularly if you make rather unpleasant suggestions about the verity of the original post.

Original poster

fourminutestosavetheworld · 07/08/2021 10:22

@Fiddliestofsticks

And btw, almost all insurance policies require you to report any accidents or damage. So her insurance is no longer valid.

Yes, this is why she won't now report - she doesn't want to get into trouble or invalidate her insurance.

She didn't know that she had to report an accident that was not her fault, didn't involve injury and did not involve a claim.

To people saying to talk to the wife - although she was more reasonable on the day of the accident, she was present when my mum went round with the bill but didn't intervene and mum is frightened to go round again in case the husband is there

OP posts:

Winederlust · 07/08/2021 10:24

...

Original poster

fourminutestosavetheworld · 07/08/2021 10:27

"Can you go around?"

I would love to. He doesn't worry me at all. I don't think I'd get a different response but I'd find it satisfying. But my mum won't let me, she just wants it to blow over now.

She actually lives in a really lovely street, with mostly elderly people and some young families. She gets on with her neighbours and has lots of friends. Although she didn't really know this family opposite, she was on friendly terms with them. It's really upset her, that she was a poor judge of character and that she was so gullible. I've told her to make sure all of the neighbours know about it so he gets a few frosty stares!

OP posts:

HyacynthBucket · 07/08/2021 10:29

Adding to my previous post about keeing a log of all the paperwork etc. I would write a letter to this man and his wife, stating that he drove into your DM's stationary car and the accident was therefore entirely his own fault. And that in consideration for his family your DM took trouble (even though ill) to find the cheapest quote, and they then threw this back in her face, refusing to pay as they said they would, swearing as they did so. Say you are appalled by this behaviour. This letter will be a useful part of the record you might need in future. You could also finish it off by asking for the payment (though you won't get it). Definitely pass a copy of this log of events including the letter, on to the police.

Northernsoullover · 07/08/2021 10:30

My car was hit by my neighbours son reversing out of his drive. I went through insurance to avoid this very situation. (I'm not trying to sound pious although I will appreciate it will sound like) my God have they made my life hell so I completely understand why your mum thought she was being helpful.
The parents came to my house called me pathetic and said my car was a pile of shit anyway. They would have quibbled about the repair cost if I had gone privately. Some people are just plain nasty and I'm sorry for your mum.

Original poster

fourminutestosavetheworld · 07/08/2021 10:32

Sorry to hear about other people having similar experiences. It's a shame people don't behave more honourably.

A ring doorbell is a good idea. I don't really think he'd do anything but the whole experience has made her realise that she's 'vulnerable' I think - I don't think either of us have thought of her that way before, she is fit and healthy, independent and usually more than capable of good decisions. I hate him for that too - he's changed her perception of herself.

OP posts:

MaMelon · 07/08/2021 10:43

@fourminutestosavetheworld

Sorry to hear about other people having similar experiences. It's a shame people don't behave more honourably.

She must not be too hard on herself - I think many of us would feel the same way if we lived on our own and a man behaved like that. There’s always a fear - rightly or wrongly - that someone who would do something like that wouldn’t think twice about escalating the situation if a woman (especially an older woman) living on her own started to stand up to him.

Henio · 07/08/2021 10:44

Perfect recipient for a burning bag of dog shit on his doorstep

Hannayeah · 07/08/2021 10:47

This makes me so sad and mad. And she’s right, if you go try to sort it out he might treat her poorly later, and you won’t be there to help her.

sloutside · 07/08/2021 10:58

This is too late for your Mum now but I'm posting this anyway for the benefit of others reading this.
ALWAYS put it through your insurance. It doesn't matter who the person is, it is likely to go pear-shaped.
I'd only sort it out between immediate family members - parents, children, grandparents.
I wouldn't even trust members of the wider family and certainly not friends, neighbours etc.
It's all well and good people saying don't put it through the insurance, we'll pay for the repair but when they find out what a repair is going to cost then it's a different story and can often cause problems informing the insurance of the accident too late.

MaMelon · 07/08/2021 11:03

@sloutside

This is too late for your Mum now but I'm posting this anyway for the benefit of others reading this. ALWAYS put it through your insurance. It doesn't matter who the person is, it is likely to go pear-shaped. I'd only sort it out between immediate family members - parents, children, grandparents. I wouldn't even trust members of the wider family and certainly not friends, neighbours etc. It's all well and good people saying don't put it through the insurance, we'll pay for the repair but when they find out what a repair is going to cost then it's a different story and can often cause problems informing the insurance of the accident too late.

Absolutely agree

MegsSmeg · 07/08/2021 11:08

I've had to help my mum with a similar experience. The greatest lesson I took from it was, no matter how nice (or not in your case!) the other person may seem at the time or how concerned you are about paying an excess or potentially losing a non claims bonus if they don't own up, ALWAYS go through insurance. It's too late for that now, as it was for my mum too. But needless to say people can be truly awful at times. I had to take over all communication for my mum as it was causing her so much stress. So in your position I would just write this cost off now and reassure your mum that it's all over, to avoid contact with the neighbour and to make sure she involves the insurance company if she ever has another accident. It's heartbreaking that the man was so nasty. The only thing I would add is that 6 months was way too long to provide him with the quote. I understand your mum was ill and you were probably stressed about that too, but I don't think 6 months is a reasonable timescale. You could also have provided him with all written quotes so he can see you made lots of effort and done so before you had the work carried out. But even so, he's an arse and I would write it off as an experience to learn from.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 07/08/2021 11:11

Go directly to their insurers. You can get their insurance details for a very small fee from MID.
Explain to them. Send the bill. You have nothing to lose.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 07/08/2021 11:18

And it is not too late. You have 6 years to claim against them. Whilst it might be too late to claim against your own policy, especially if you have had the repairs done, the MID exists precisely to enable you to make a claim against a negligent party. Their lack of cooperation should not be a barrier.

MondayYogurt · 07/08/2021 11:27

Unless the money is super vital I would try to put it aside.

The reason I say this is my own mother was very stressed while suffering cancer because we reported an accident to her car to insurance, and then because we didn't return the forms within the allotted time (I think 2 weeks, during which she was in hospital) the insurance spontaneously cancelled her cover, leaving her to pay for everything.

But talking about the lost money wasn't helpful to her. It made her feel awful during a time when she was already ill and feeling wretched.

So if your mum wants to put this behind her I would try and move on. Yes, he sucks. Yes, the behaviour is abhorrent. He's a bully.

Don't let it taint your time with her. That is so much more precious.

Original poster

fourminutestosavetheworld · 07/08/2021 11:30

"The only thing I would add is that 6 months was way too long to provide him with the quote. I understand your mum was ill and you were probably stressed about that too, but I don't think 6 months is a reasonable timescale. You could also have provided him with all written quotes so he can see you made lots of effort and done so before you had the work carried out."

Yes, I think that's fair enough actually. I think it was probably exacerbated by him relaxing and thinking she wasn't going to ask him to pay, although he did know she was very ill.

Lots of good advice and it also felt good to offload it, so thank you everyone.

OP posts:

LemonRoses · 07/08/2021 11:30

Wwhat you have to lose by going via your insurance is that your mother appears to have failed to notify her insurers that she has been involved in an accident. That has probably invalidated her insurance.

MissMarplesGoddaughter · 07/08/2021 11:30

OP - have you thought about contacting the Trading Standards Officer at your local council?

torquewench · 07/08/2021 11:35

Speak to the insurers. It's what your mum pays them for! They can find out who the neighbour's insurer is/was and get them to sort it out between themselves. There's plenty of time to make a claim even if repairs have been done.

Shedbuilder · 07/08/2021 11:36

@fourminutestosavetheworld

Sorry to hear about other people having similar experiences. It's a shame people don't behave more honourably.

I think this is what would worry me most. I've seen two capable, independent, fit elderly family members who've been very badly affected by minor bumps in their cars. One of my elderly aunts had one of those no-fault minor incidents in a supermarket car park where she and the car in the row opposite both reversed at exactly the same moment and they had a minor bump. The other driver behaved in a very aggressive and ageist fashion, questioning my aunt's competence (when he had done exactly the same as she had!) and ended up turning a confident, competent older woman who'd driven for 50 years without a bump or crash into a nervous wreck. It destroys one's faith in human nature. I think when elderly people live alone they dwell on it, get scared and lose their nerve. It occurs to me that coming out fighting really hard, and not just letting it be brushed under the carpet, might be better for your mum's mental health in the long run. But she's an adult and it's her decision.

I'm still seething 20 years after a woman drove through a red light and hit me side on at traffic lights, then claimed I'd caused the accident and she'd suffered whiplash and a miscarriage as a result. I fought it every step of the way and was due to attend a court 180 miles from my home at 9am two days before Christmas. Her side pulled out the night before. I want a special circle of hell reserved for people who pull these stunts. It goes so much deeper than just having a bump. It destroys your faith in human nature, if you let it.

I think it's particularly important for older people get dash and rear cameras. I think there's such a strong tendency for their age and potential vulnerability to be used against them by bullies that they need all the evidence available. If this had been caught on camera your mum would be laughing.

lastcall · 07/08/2021 11:37

Call the police. Tell them he bullied your 80something mother into not reporting it and she's terrified.

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