Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIbu to feel this way or am I allowed to be slightly sad

91 replies

Birthdaybits · 06/08/2021 07:05

It was my birthday yesterday I’ve never had good birthdays my family never made a fuss of them we would wake up open a gift go to school and that would be it. My ex also used to like to ruin every one of my birthdays. Last year I just started going out with my boyfriend so we had a nice meal and he got me some flowers was all really lovely. It was his birthday in January and I cooked him a 3 course meal made him a cake decorated the room with balloons brought him 3 really lovely gifts. This year for my birthday I saw a cheap bag while out with him and he asked if I wanted it for my birthday from him I said yes and he said I’ll get you some other bits too and then didn’t wrap the bag either said I could have it before my birthday in the plastic bag. So all week I’ve got myself really excited thinking what else could he of got me this is going to be the first birthday where I feel special he’d previously promised me some balloons and a cake so I assumed I would get that. I got a card and dinner out which I had booked and organised. I just feel a little let down.

OP posts:
Returnoftheowl · 06/08/2021 07:09

It's understandable to be upset, it's a clear lack of effort or consideration.

Bumblesbumbles · 06/08/2021 07:09

You have every right to feel disappointed, and I found it sad reading how your birthday wasn’t celebrated as a child. My husband is useless with my birthdays and I accept that now- he won’t change. I’m the opposite and love thinking about what the other person may like, getting the house prepared etc But I think for you the lack of birthday celebrations have even more significance because of your childhood experience

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 06/08/2021 07:09

I don't think you can expect everyone to feel the same about birthdays

In my family they are very low key events and I do sometimes wonder if my DC in the future will end up like your bf and upsetting someone simply because birthdays just aren't a thing in their world.

There is no way it would occur to them that the lack of balloons and a cake would indicate that they didn't love someone, they'd just not register that connection

DinosaurDiana · 06/08/2021 07:13

We don’t do balloons, just presents and a cake.
Maybe tea out if the person wants it.
As my family has got older, we don’t get excited by birthdays anymore. It’s just another day. It’s like Christmas, a lot of hard work for some presents and a roast that needs cooking/washing up.

ohthatbloodycat · 06/08/2021 07:14

YANBU Thanks

clickychicky · 06/08/2021 07:16

Did he even mention the promised baloons and cake?

Original poster
Birthdaybits · 06/08/2021 07:23

Well he did a few months ago and I kept reminding him in a low key way about my birthday I just feel like I gave him lots of effort for his and got nothing back I mean I love the bag but he could of wrapped it or something I mean I revived my card in the car while driving to the restaurant

OP posts:
Tohaveandtohold · 06/08/2021 07:25

Yanbu to be upset by the lack of effort however most adults might not know they had to buy balloons unless is a special birthday like 30, 40, etc. I won’t get worked up over that.
What has always worked with myself and DH is if we want something special, we tell each other what we want for our birthdays. Sometimes we have a list for the other person to choose from. That way, there’s no disappointment.

DarlingFell · 06/08/2021 07:25

YANBU.

Your boyfriend sounds a bit shit 🤷🏻‍♀️

Don’t settle. Don’t ever settle.

Original poster
Birthdaybits · 06/08/2021 07:28

Also what I don’t get is he’s the most romantic person every day of the year so I don’t no why on my birthday he wasn’t

OP posts:
LawnFever · 06/08/2021 07:29

I would never buy balloons for an adults birthday.

Not wrapping the bag I couldn’t get worked up about, you knew what it was, wrapping it would’ve been pointless.

DeadGood · 06/08/2021 07:30

Have you said anything to him?

Shoxfordian · 06/08/2021 07:34

He sounds rubbish
If he can’t make the effort now then he’s never going to

ObviousNameChage · 06/08/2021 07:37

YANBU to feel this way. I have a very similar background and tend to feel the same about bdays . Add in the fact that it was close to Christmas and it was mostly seen as an inconvenience and getting in the way of the "big day".

YABU (at least a little bit) to put that much expectation and responsibility on someone else, particularly someone that hasn't caused this. For a lot of people birthdays aren't a big thing, they don't expect a lot of fuss for their one and just don't get it. Some people also feel it's a bit fake and forced to do big gestures on special occasions only, when they show the other person how they feel and how important they are to them throughout the year.Does he know where you're coming from and how you feel? Have you told him why it's so important to you?

ThinWomansBrain · 06/08/2021 07:40

I had balloons at work for my birthday - I think a first, they were lovely, but wasn't sure what to do with them.
At least he bought you something you liked and had hinted at - better than a random gift you didn't want/like/need but beautifully gift wrapped.

lollipoprainbow · 06/08/2021 07:44

Not unreasonable no one really bothers about my birthday either. For two years running I've had a birthday meal out with family where no one has brought a card or gift with them! My niece always says 'oh sorry I forget to get you a card!' Not bothering this year.

Cocomarine · 06/08/2021 07:48

As always, you need communication and you need standards.

I would never get balloons for an adult. I also wouldn’t buy them a cake, if we were eating out. I doubt I’d wrap a bag that they’d already seen.

Questions to consider, you don’t have to answer:

  • as a friend adult, why are you having conversations with promises of balloons months in advance? Was that a natural conversation prompted by is birthday?
  • why did you organise your own birthday meal out, and book it? If that’s not what you want on your birthday DON’T DO IT. You communicated to him right there, that it’s your job to organise your birthday. Which isn’t awful, I’m not knocking him - in my family, that’s what happens, the birthday sibling organises it.
  • have you told him why birthdays are an issue?
  • have you considered that him making a fuss about birthdays might not be the resolution to your longstanding issue that you need?
Funnylittlefloozie · 06/08/2021 07:49

The birthday miseries are out in force as usual. Yes, some adults might not know that in conventional society birthdays are celebrated. I can only assume those people don't watch TV or read books.

BUT, if your partner has seen you push the boat out for his birthday, unless heis really stupid, he should have realised that this is how you like birthdays to be celebrated. So, he should have understood that it would be nice to do something similar for yours. Hes either clueless or selfish. Neither is a good thing in a partner.

Arrowheart · 06/08/2021 07:59

I've never bought balloons for an adult unless it's a significant birthday.

Standrewsschool · 06/08/2021 08:04

Mention it to him, or he’ll never know. Say how you were disappointed after he promised that he would be getting more gifts.

PluggingAway · 06/08/2021 08:06

This thread isn't about how other people think an adult birthday ought to be celebrated. It's about the fact that OP made so much effort for her partner's birthday and then it wasn't reciprocated, despite the fact that certain things had been promised to her (balloons etc).

That's shitty.

KikoLemons · 06/08/2021 08:09

Balloons?? FFS. They're terrible for the environment, a complete waste of money and just go into landfill. They're more about the giver being showy than any genuine care.

You got a present you wanted, a card a meal out. He's lovely. Think about what matters not what is visible.

Some people make a fuss, some don't. He may have secretly hated the fuss you made ... your assumption is that you did "more" than him. He may think he did more than you as at least he bought you something you wanted.
Don't let this affect your otherwise good relationship.

ivykaty44 · 06/08/2021 08:14

communication is key

I don't want my birthday present a week before in a plastic bag, birthdays to me are special and a gift wrapped and given on the day is how it works. put some effort in in making the day special

explain, ive had shit birthdays in the past and im not making compromises any more

RunnerDuck2020 · 06/08/2021 08:18

Sorry to hear you’ve had bad experiences in the past - have you shared this with your new boyfriend? He might not realise how important it is to you to have a big celebration for your birthday. Is this your first birthday since you’ve been together? He probably didn’t know what to get you - I think it’s nice that he’s bought you the bag that he knew you liked and took you to a restaurant you choose so he knew you would enjoy it. I don’t think many adults would expect balloons or cake unless it was a ‘big’ birthday and you were having a party, so I can understand why this didn’t occur to him. Is he very environmentally conscious? My DH never wraps presents these days for that reason - they are usually presented in the Amazon box they arrived in! Grin same with the balloons, he would never buy them because of the waste. Is money an issue for him? Perhaps he couldn’t afford to buy you extra presents, balloons, cake etc on top of the bag and meal out? I don’t think it means that he doesn’t care, lots of people would be happy with a card, present and meal out for their birthday.

eightyfourandahalf · 06/08/2021 08:19

It doesn't matter if some posters don't care about their own birthday, it's totally irrelevant.

If you have told him that birthdays are important to you, of course YANBU!

It doesn't have to be balloon, booking your own birthday diner is sad, and a boyfriend who doesn't make any effort is a problem.

TELL HIM you are upset.
Either he doesn't care, and he will not magically change as the relationship progress,
or he will be sorry your are upset and will make it up to you.

Don't be one of these posters who settled and then are miserable a few years down the line but expect their partner to become someone else!

Swipe left for the next trending thread