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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIbu to feel this way or am I allowed to be slightly sad

91 replies

Birthdaybits · 06/08/2021 07:05

It was my birthday yesterday I’ve never had good birthdays my family never made a fuss of them we would wake up open a gift go to school and that would be it. My ex also used to like to ruin every one of my birthdays. Last year I just started going out with my boyfriend so we had a nice meal and he got me some flowers was all really lovely. It was his birthday in January and I cooked him a 3 course meal made him a cake decorated the room with balloons brought him 3 really lovely gifts. This year for my birthday I saw a cheap bag while out with him and he asked if I wanted it for my birthday from him I said yes and he said I’ll get you some other bits too and then didn’t wrap the bag either said I could have it before my birthday in the plastic bag. So all week I’ve got myself really excited thinking what else could he of got me this is going to be the first birthday where I feel special he’d previously promised me some balloons and a cake so I assumed I would get that. I got a card and dinner out which I had booked and organised. I just feel a little let down.

OP posts:
gannett · 06/08/2021 09:05

@Birthdaybits

Also what I don’t get is he’s the most romantic person every day of the year so I don’t no why on my birthday he wasn’t
If him putting in low effort for your birthday was part of a pattern where he doesn't seem to put much effort into treating you generally, I could understand feeling put out. But if he's romantic all the time I really don't get why you'd stamp your foot about this one day.

A bag and dinner out seems pretty decent to me though I don't know why you booked the dinner. DP and I usually just take each other out to a fancy restaurant, we don't bother with presents any more. Even when we did I don't think I ever bothered wrapping them, seemed really pointless.

MiddleParking · 06/08/2021 09:05

I wouldn’t be at all happy to be in a relationship where my birthday wasn’t celebrated. Stuff like that is what makes relationships fun and worthwhile in my opinion.

JonahofArk · 06/08/2021 09:06

This is a new boyfriend and it's the perfect time for you to lay down your expectations. Do not downplay how important your birthday is to you, and make it clear to him that you expect to be treated and fussed over on your birthday. Also do the same if Christmas, Valentines Day etc. are important to you too.

Make your expectations absolutely clear now so that he cannot pretend he wasn't aware later.

And you need to value yourself more. A cheap bag is not an adequate birthday present in my opinion. And you should have said that at the time.

Don't quietly wait to be treated well, demand it.

DiscoDown21 · 06/08/2021 09:09

It’s mumsnet so some think you aren’t allowed to celebrate birthdays as an adult but I’m with you OP. It’s only us two and I like to make a fuss on birthdays and Christmas etc. I’m lucky that my partner likes it too his family always do cake and champagne too. We do presents, cards and usually a meal/night out that I organise. We do sometimes go away for mine and we did balloons only for our special birthday.

I always organise catch ups with my mates for my birthday. I want to celebrate it and so I do the organising.

Maybe you need to explain your thoughts to your boyfriend on why you feel like you do about it. Lots aren’t fussed on birthdays so maybe he doesn’t realise how important it is to you?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 06/08/2021 09:09

Not sure how a card, gift and meal out translates to him not caring.

I’m not sure I’d have gone overboard either with balloons and cake if someone kept reminding me it was their birthday either. Small children yes, adults no.

Cryalot2 · 06/08/2021 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatAShilohPitt · 06/08/2021 09:10

You got an unwrapped gift, a meal you organised and a card in the car. He said he’d get other gifts, balloons and a cake but didn’t so quite clearly has gone back on his word and done nothing extra at all. So I’d speak to him about that. Just say that you had gone to a lot of effort for his birthday and you’d been told to expect several surprises yourself so were disappointed that the only thing he gave you that you didn’t know about was a card. This isn’t about what other posters do for birthdays - that’s totally irrelevant. The other posters weren’t told by your boyfriend to expect balloons, a cake and little surprise gifts!

SmallChairs · 06/08/2021 09:11

@Funnylittlefloozie

The birthday miseries are out in force as usual. Yes, some adults might not know that in conventional society birthdays are celebrated. I can only assume those people don't watch TV or read books.

BUT, if your partner has seen you push the boat out for his birthday, unless heis really stupid, he should have realised that this is how you like birthdays to be celebrated. So, he should have understood that it would be nice to do something similar for yours. Hes either clueless or selfish. Neither is a good thing in a partner.

People just have very different ideas about birthdays, or what would constitute celebrating a birthday. Cake and balloons are a child’s thing for me, for instance, and the OP needs to communicate clearly what she expects to her boyfriend — if she wants him to book a restaurant, if she expects a card (which for me is something I get only from people at a distance) etc. I confess to not entirely understanding how emotive birthdays are for some people.
Crayfishforyou · 06/08/2021 09:11

@starfishmummy

kept reminding him in a low key way about my birthday

You sound like hard work!

No she doesn’t. Some people are not bothered about birthdays. Fine, but the OP WOULD like a nice birthday as she’s never had one. And it’s not about the stuff. A card, a gift and a meal out is perfect for a birthday. But it’s not pleasant if he’s written the card in the car on the way there, bought the gift in front of the person and then not bothered to wrap it, plus not booking the meal out. It stinks one year into a relationship. He could have booked somewhere he’d think you’d like, he could have bought/made a cake, he could have written a card the day before. He could have woken you up with breakfast and flowers. He didn’t He is a bit shit.
MauveMagnolia · 06/08/2021 09:11

Is the lack of balloons on environmental concerns?
I wouldn’t do balloons

JonahofArk · 06/08/2021 09:13

And I really don't understand some of the posters who are saying that they don't do birthdays and don't understand the fuss. That's great for you, but the OP does want the fuss. The focus here is on the OP's needs and expectations not being met, so going on about how adults shouldn't have cake/flowers etc. is not helpful.

On a side note, I hate the idea that we stop needing to have fun/being treated when we reach adulthood. What's wrong with having a fun day and a bit of cake once a year? It's one day!

Cryalot2 · 06/08/2021 09:13

Sorry Whatashilopitt, you are right. It is not about us I will try and delete my previous post.
Op just needs to chat with her bf . It is possible he has no idea this upset her.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 06/08/2021 09:13

Have you told him how important this is to you?

Why did you organise the dinner?

2Hot2Handle · 06/08/2021 09:13

Have you told him that you were disappointed and does he know about your lack of birthday celebrations growing up?
Definitely let him know how you feel. He may well have meant to plan a bunch of things, but didn’t get round to it and didn’t know how much it meant to you.

Iusedtobesoooomuchfun · 06/08/2021 09:17

@JonahofArk

And I really don't understand some of the posters who are saying that they don't do birthdays and don't understand the fuss. That's great for you, but the OP does want the fuss. The focus here is on the OP's needs and expectations not being met, so going on about how adults shouldn't have cake/flowers etc. is not helpful.

On a side note, I hate the idea that we stop needing to have fun/being treated when we reach adulthood. What's wrong with having a fun day and a bit of cake once a year? It's one day!

Then OP lays it on the line with Boyfriend then.

Either he buys more presents and gives more compliments on her birthday or they split up. Or she decided that what he already does is enough.

starrynight87 · 06/08/2021 09:23

@ivykaty44

communication is key

I don't want my birthday present a week before in a plastic bag, birthdays to me are special and a gift wrapped and given on the day is how it works. put some effort in in making the day special

explain, ive had shit birthdays in the past and im not making compromises any more

I agree 100% with this
gannett · 06/08/2021 09:27

@JonahofArk

And I really don't understand some of the posters who are saying that they don't do birthdays and don't understand the fuss. That's great for you, but the OP does want the fuss. The focus here is on the OP's needs and expectations not being met, so going on about how adults shouldn't have cake/flowers etc. is not helpful.

On a side note, I hate the idea that we stop needing to have fun/being treated when we reach adulthood. What's wrong with having a fun day and a bit of cake once a year? It's one day!

Then she should communicate this properly and clearly rather than dropping hints that would probably go over anyone's head. People can't telepathically know how much of a fuss or non-fuss others want for their birthdays and will default to their own normal - which as we've seen in this thread could be anything.

I definitely don't need it to be my birthday to have a fun day and a bit of cake!

Original poster
Birthdaybits · 06/08/2021 09:28

This morning he apologised for my birthday said his cold (not Covid has made him feel awful) said he’s planned and booked something extra special for our weekend in London that we booked last year

OP posts:
diddl · 06/08/2021 09:36

Hopefully that all turns out OK.

It's not good to promise things & then not bother.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 06/08/2021 09:41

@pinkcircustop

YANBU. It’s not hard to make some effort by wrapping the bag and getting you some other gifts.

All this “we don’t do birthdays” is a load of bollocks. Anyone who says that is just being lazy.

Yes, of course, every person who is bothered about birthdays is lazy.

I assume you don't have the brain power to realise that people have different personalities, or are you too lazy to recognise that not everyone is the same as you.

Goldenbear · 06/08/2021 09:54

YANBU, my Dad was like this, still is and it is quite upsetting. Luckily, my Mum made up for it and we had a celebration and gifts on our birthday. I would think about my Mum's birthday from a young age as well. I don't understand how whole families are in agreement over this way of thinking or is it really due to one person, an adult, pushing their agenda on others. I don't understand how a child can come to the conclusion they, 'don't do birthdays', like a PP posted up thread.

My DH is very good at birthdays and does loads of things, I'm sure that in part it is because his Mum was a bit of a present in a plastic bag kind of person, pointless making the effort to wrap anything etc.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 06/08/2021 09:55

I always make an effort. Cake and candles, balloons . Streamers decorations. No one bothers for me. I do it for kids and dh. Sound like your partner for you something he thought you wanted. Then sighed with relief as at least he got it right. Some people put in effort, others don’t think the same way.

50ShadesOfCatholic · 06/08/2021 09:57

Here's the thing with birthdays, you have to be very clear about how you want to celebrate. Dropping hints or hoping we'll not cut it. Everyone's expectations are different, some people like a big fuss while others would happily let the day pass.

I think you need to have an honest conversation about what you'd like to happen so you are not left disappointed.

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 06/08/2021 09:59

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someonelockthefridgealready · 06/08/2021 10:03

Belated happy birthday! I hope you have a lovely weekend.

As others have said, we all feel differently about birthdays, my DH doesn't care much about them, but early on we just had a conversation about what I like to have on my birthday and him the same. It's easier not to leave him guessing about my expectations!