AIbu to feel this way or am I allowed to be slightly sad

[Birthdaybits]

It was my birthday yesterday I’ve never had good birthdays my family never made a fuss of them we would wake up open a gift go to school and that would be it. My ex also used to like to ruin every one of my birthdays. Last year I just started going out with my boyfriend so we had a nice meal and he got me some flowers was all really lovely. It was his birthday in January and I cooked him a 3 course meal made him a cake decorated the room with balloons brought him 3 really lovely gifts. This year for my birthday I saw a cheap bag while out with him and he asked if I wanted it for my birthday from him I said yes and he said I’ll get you some other bits too and then didn’t wrap the bag either said I could have it before my birthday in the plastic bag. So all week I’ve got myself really excited thinking what else could he of got me this is going to be the first birthday where I feel special he’d previously promised me some balloons and a cake so I assumed I would get that. I got a card and dinner out which I had booked and organised. I just feel a little let down.

What, happily let the day pass without even a card? I think that would be pretty rare and it is odd how couples see to find their match and both don't care at all. This is where surely the person who can't be bothered sets the status quo for the future as they can't be bothered to make the effort to see if you are bothered or not. My Mum and Dad are divorced but the not being bothered was indicative of other uncaring behaviour and sometimes it feels like that person is a bit above bothering for others and are themselves as better than those in their family.

See not 'are'

It would really annoy me to have to communicate something as basic as, 'please mark my birthday in a normal celebratory way', it misses the point as you've told them what to do when it is pretty obvious what you do.

My DH is shite at birthdays, always has been -but he's a considerate, generous, loyal, beautiful man. I can 100% rely on him to be there for me, so I over-look the birthday thing and spoil myself instead

My friends DH buys her lots of extravagant things, gushes about her on fb, really makes a fuss on her birthday. In reality though he's an abusive arsehole.

I wouldn't let this be the deciding factor in your relationship.

@Funnylittlefloozie

The birthday miseries are out in force as usual. Yes, some adults might not know that in conventional society birthdays are celebrated. I can only assume those people don't watch TV or read books.

BUT, if your partner has seen you push the boat out for his birthday, unless heis really stupid, he should have realised that this is how you like birthdays to be celebrated. So, he should have understood that it would be nice to do something similar for yours. Hes either clueless or selfish. Neither is a good thing in a partner.

This.

All this competitive how little someone cares about Birthdays....not relevant, tedious and so predictable on these threads.

Happy Birthday OP

@Goldenbear

What, happily let the day pass without even a card? I think that would be pretty rare and it is odd how couples see to find their match and both don't care at all. This is where surely the person who can't be bothered sets the status quo for the future as they can't be bothered to make the effort to see if you are bothered or not. My Mum and Dad are divorced but the not being bothered was indicative of other uncaring behaviour and sometimes it feels like that person is a bit above bothering for others and are themselves as better than those in their family.

Yes really! See that just shows why it's important not to assume. I am very laid back about birthdays while my sister loves a big celebration and lots of presents.

Glad he's going to do something else for you. Just wanted to say though, that you mention how last year he made your birthday lovely with flowers etc., yet you then built this birthday up as the first one that was going to be special. I do think you need to stop creating that pressure/expectation and enjoy what you have - he did make last year's special so this wasn't the first and he's romantic all the time anyway. It seems a bit OTT to think balloons = special and no balloons = not special. Or at least it that's your thinking, you have to be really clear and tell him what you want, because other people won't have these hang-ups. I couldn't be less fussed about getting stuff and whatever it's wrapped in. As long as you have a good time in each other's company, that's what would matter to me.

@ThanksIGotItInMorrisons same ! I go completely over the top for other peoples birthdays especially my daughter, balloons etc no one does it for me

I have always celebrated my birthday, my family have always celebrated birthdays, so they are definitely a thing for me. But I think buying balloons is really over the top and most adults would not do this or expect this. I don’t think there is anything wrong with organising your own birthday dinner either, again I think many adults would do this, I always have as I am not a princess. I assume you didn’t organise your own card, now that would be a step too far. But otherwise, I don’t think what he did is particularly unusual.

I can see why you were disappointed. Not wrapping the bag is a bit shit for sure.

However, he has obviously realised it was all a bit shit and has (hopefully) arranged something brilliant for you on your London trip.

At least he is trying to put it right.
I totally get where you are coming from though. For me, its not the actual gift. It could be a £2 keyring, if that keyring meant something special, its the actual effort. Just knowing they have spent time thinking about your birthday and what would make you happy and putting in that time and effort to make it as lovely for you as possible.

I'd be quite happy with a small/cheap but meaningful gift, (wrapped!) a nice card and a burnt and deformed homemade cake. Because it would show they had put some actual effort in.

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross
*Ah - never comment about birthdays on here unless it’s to take part in the usual competition to demonstrate who is the most grown-up as demonstrated by how little they care about birthdays. A birthday thread is the Four Yorkshiremen sketch of MN.

I bloody love birthdays - they’re really important to me - and DH and DS know that because I’ve made sure they do. And thus they make an effort because they love me. Tell your boyfriend that birthdays matter to you and what you’d like - communicate with him!*

Or possibly people just have different opinions to you and are sharing them with the OP so she gets a different perspective? Which is after all the point of posting.

I am not particularly bothered by balloons but my DH with help from children will put up the home made family Birthday Banner. We make an effort for everyone in the family. My little DD loves birthdays, other people's as well and makes cards for us and friends, she asks to make a cake with DH for me and will help me when I make cakes for my teenager and DH. Admittedly, my 14 year old is bot as enthusiastic as my DD but he still like a celebration. We all love going out to a restaurant so that is a given and we would never expect the birthday person to book it, I'm not a Princess far from it and my DH is not a Prince but I absolutely do think a husband putting the effort in on your birthday is not a big ask. In fact, I think this is another way you can be taken for granted and the drift happens if you dont have certain expectations. Maybe it makes a difference that our relationship started out in that way so we have always gone out to restaurants for dates etc. We didnt meet each other in work and weren't friends before so it was quite fun from the outset.

Stop buying balloons.

What you need is Birthday Week! Stay with me because this is a game changer.
Birthday Week starts on the Friday evening before your birthday and extends to the Sunday evening after. (It’s a bit short if your birthday falls on a Saturday but that’s a jackpot birthday anyway)

During Birthday Week you get to act like a diva, (it’s the trump card for remote control disputes) and every nice thing that happens is because of your birthday. Partner makes you a cup of tea - it’s birthday tea! You have a runny egg for breakfast -it’s a birthday egg!

It is of course an inviolate rule that there be cake and candles on the actual birthday but other things can fall on the days either side.

It’s silly but it’s fun, and ramps up the birthday experience while actually taking the pressure off the day itself. Dh and I have both got birthday issues - he needs it to be a special day to an extent that I don’t understand and my df ruined every big occasion so I am a bit shut off from birthdays as a defence mechanism. By blowing it up in this way, and being light hearted and ridiculously frivolous, it meets our needs and accommodates our inadequacies. It’s a bonkers solution but it works for us.

YANBU to feel a bit disappointed, especially because of your history and the fact that your DP promised to do things he then didn't do.

However I think it's worth understanding that the fuss you made for his birthday (the lovingly prepared meal and fancy cake) are probably things that he (and 99% of other men) honestly couldn't care less about. I often hear women expressing hurt that they have spent time, money and energy doing things for their DP and it isn't appreciated, and I think it is the equivalent of a man saying "I built you an amazing shed and I have fully researched the history of Tottenham's away marches for you. Why are you not excited and grateful?" It is because we try to please our partners by doing the things we value, rather than really thinking what they want. Not that I'm letting him off the hook, just that while it would be nice not to have to spell out what you want....it's best to spell out exactly what you want.

@MauveMagnolia

Is the lack of balloons on environmental concerns? I wouldn’t do balloons

Exactly. Likewise not wrapping the gift when the recipient was there when it was bought.