AIbu to feel this way or am I allowed to be slightly sad

[Birthdaybits]

It was my birthday yesterday I’ve never had good birthdays my family never made a fuss of them we would wake up open a gift go to school and that would be it. My ex also used to like to ruin every one of my birthdays. Last year I just started going out with my boyfriend so we had a nice meal and he got me some flowers was all really lovely. It was his birthday in January and I cooked him a 3 course meal made him a cake decorated the room with balloons brought him 3 really lovely gifts. This year for my birthday I saw a cheap bag while out with him and he asked if I wanted it for my birthday from him I said yes and he said I’ll get you some other bits too and then didn’t wrap the bag either said I could have it before my birthday in the plastic bag. So all week I’ve got myself really excited thinking what else could he of got me this is going to be the first birthday where I feel special he’d previously promised me some balloons and a cake so I assumed I would get that. I got a card and dinner out which I had booked and organised. I just feel a little let down.

@KikoLemons oh yes those evil balloons ! Jeez mumsnet sometimes !!

Ah - never comment about birthdays on here unless it’s to take part in the usual competition to demonstrate who is the most grown-up as demonstrated by how little they care about birthdays. A birthday thread is the Four Yorkshiremen sketch of MN.

I bloody love birthdays - they’re really important to me - and DH and DS know that because I’ve made sure they do. And thus they make an effort because they love me. Tell your boyfriend that birthdays matter to you and what you’d like - communicate with him!

I can relate. In my experience people mirror their own birthday enthusiasm on others. My adult DS makes little effort for my birthday, and I've realised (eventually) that it's because he expects little effort for his.

You need to tell him how this has made you feel otherwise it will fester as a 'thing'.

If your relationship is otherwise fantastic, it would be a shame to create a row over this, surely?

I must admit to being a bit bemused about adults wanting big birthday fusses. Surely a card, present and meal out is fine? Sometimes DH and I don't even do presents but put money aside for a night away or something in lieu.

I know you said you made a big fuss for your DP but have you considered that he would rather not have had the balloons etc? If my DH got balloons for my birthday, I would think he had lost his mind and think what a waste of time, effort and money.

I'm not keen of birthdays/Christmas for this reason. I do understand that some people love the fuss, making fuss of others and also being on the receiving end of fuss. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it except not everyone likes or gets the fuss.
I find birthdays and Christmas very stressful. I hate fuss and stuff but often have it forced upon me by others and find myself having to go along with it as I dont want to upset them as I know they care and want me to have a good time. Truth is I dont need it all for a good time and deep down hate it all. I then find I have to try and do that for them and constantly worry in case i have got it wrong and they are disappointed.
I dont think there is anything wrong in wanting the fuss but not everyone likes, wants or can actually successfully make the fuss well. If that makes sense.
Just dont get caught in the trap of expecting everyone else to feel about birthdays the way you do, he may have got it wrong but when you dont get the fuss it is very stressful trying to live up to a specific expectation.

@DarlingFell

YANBU.

Your boyfriend sounds a bit shit 🤷🏻‍♀️

Don’t settle. Don’t ever settle.

Totally agree with this. You’ve been together for a year, your relationship is still fairly new. If he’s this shit already I’d probably be questioning if we had a future together.

YANBU. It’s not hard to make some effort by wrapping the bag and getting you some other gifts.

All this “we don’t do birthdays” is a load of bollocks. Anyone who says that is just being lazy.

So he promised to get you other stuff & didn't?

I couldn't get worked up about the bag not being wrapped or organising my own meal out though.

I tell my husband what I want for my birthday-he knows I don’t like surprises that I don’t really want. Would never dream of balloons unless it’s for a toddler. My colleague got some for another birthday colleague and they were a waste of effort, make horrible noises and unless they’re burst, sit around slowly deflating-and birthday girl had a phobia of balloons🤣. I just think you have different expectations of birthdays,his version sounds good to me so you just need to tell him not drop little hints and expect him to read your mind.

@Birthdaybits

Also what I don’t get is he’s the most romantic person every day of the year so I don’t no why on my birthday he wasn’t

Is he truly romantic every single day? He doesn’t sound it if he didn’t make the effort on your birthday……

"All this “we don’t do birthdays” is a load of bollocks. Anyone who says that is just being lazy."

I would say that we don't do birthdays.

We always get each other a card, sometimes a gift & go out for a meal.

Minimal effort, suits us both.

Happy to be lazy!

@DarlingFell

YANBU.

Your boyfriend sounds a bit shit 🤷🏻‍♀️

Don’t settle. Don’t ever settle.

She should leave him over balloons and cake? Now I've heard everything...

@pinkcircustop

YANBU. It’s not hard to make some effort by wrapping the bag and getting you some other gifts.

All this “we don’t do birthdays” is a load of bollocks. Anyone who says that is just being lazy.

And anyone who says this is deeply immature and lacks the very basic understanding that not everyone does things the same way they do.

@pinkcircustop

YANBU. It’s not hard to make some effort by wrapping the bag and getting you some other gifts.

All this “we don’t do birthdays” is a load of bollocks. Anyone who says that is just being lazy.

Or have equally or worse experiences of birthdays and just swung the other way and either hate them or don't care at all.

Or don't like the fuss and attention and don't really get why others do.

@Birthdaybits

Also what I don’t get is he’s the most romantic person every day of the year so I don’t no why on my birthday he wasn’t

It sounds like he is just a bit shit at birthdays, not that he isn’t a good person. Personally I think being a good partner generally is more important than birthdays.

kept reminding him in a low key way about my birthday

You sound like hard work!

its fairly simple really...One question. Is this a dealbreaker?
If it is then tell him so and leave. If it isn't then what are you going to do about it?

@pinkcircustop

YANBU. It’s not hard to make some effort by wrapping the bag and getting you some other gifts.

All this “we don’t do birthdays” is a load of bollocks. Anyone who says that is just being lazy.

wow judgy much?

Not lazy in any way, just see the value in other things,different things are important to them, can show they care in other ways, dont need to give/receive fuss and stuff to show this. Not lazy just different.

It was my birthday yesterday too!! Happy Birthday. August birthdays are the worst.
DH forgot.
I didn't receive a single card or present.
Or a single happy birthday message.
My mum eventually phoned me at 8pm.
I hate birthdays too!

@Birthdaybits

Well he did a few months ago and I kept reminding him in a low key way about my birthday I just feel like I gave him lots of effort for his and got nothing back I mean I love the bag but he could of wrapped it or something I mean I revived my card in the car while driving to the restaurant

Presumably he paid for your meal in the restaurant.

I think a card, a bag and a meal out is just as good as you cooking for his birthday. He could have wrapped the bag but you knew what it was anyone, you chose it, so not a surprise.

What you had for your birthday would suit most people. Many would be glad of just a card and a bunch of flowers.

I'm glad you revived your card - did it faint :-)?

I'm sorry no fuss was made for your birthday when you were young but that's nothing to do with your boyfriend.

Move on Birthdaybits, it's over for another year.

Tell him! Let him know your expectations and tell him why you felt let down. I definitely don't think it's reason to be questioning the relationship just yet...

My first birthday after I got together with DP was a bit crap. He did buy me something but had left it so late to order that it didn't arrive, and he hadn't gotten a cake because he was with me all week and "didn't know how to sneak away to get it". I wasn't seeing any family that day so it didn't even feel like my birthday.

Anyway, I was a bit upset and told him the next day and every occasion since has been lovely. He hadn't done it out of malice, he just wasn't great at organising himself.

Second para - should be 'anyway' not 'anyone'.

@DinosaurDiana

We don’t do balloons, just presents and a cake. Maybe tea out if the person wants it. As my family has got older, we don’t get excited by birthdays anymore. It’s just another day. It’s like Christmas, a lot of hard work for some presents and a roast that needs cooking/washing up.

Birthdays and Christmas may be "just another day" to you but to many people they are special days.

Me and DH always go out somewhere for the day for each of our birthdays. DH takes the day off work (I no longer work but did always take time off). We have lunch out and then usually a nice meal in the evening or we cook a nice meal for the other.

We always give each other a card and presents.

We have done this for the 40 years we have been married.

@diddl

"All this “we don’t do birthdays” is a load of bollocks. Anyone who says that is just being lazy."

I would say that we don't do birthdays.

We always get each other a card, sometimes a gift & go out for a meal.

Minimal effort, suits us both.

Happy to be lazy!

That sounds about normal to me.