Unsure about letting child go alone to birthday party

[Sparkle1138]

AIBU to not feel comfortable with letting my 9 year old (just turned) go to another 9 year olds party which is an hours drive away (with her parents) and 6 other friends. It's a public place they are going too which will be very busy, espec in school holidays. My mind always thinks worst case scenario. She is sensible, as sensible as a 9 year old can be. I don't want to hold her back but feel she's still a bit young, maybe end of primary school age is more appropriate for these kind of parties?? All her other friends, including her, had their parties at home.

YABU and ridiculous

Completely agree with the majority of comments, I know I can't really go as like many have said it limits her freedom and independence at a time she needs to be gaining it. The worry is coming from the fact it's an open, busy, public place. But the majority responding are right and some have given some nice advice so thank you. Some parents breeze through these sitos, well done, but some of us struggle and it's the kind, balanced responces that help. I'll let her go as much as I'll still worry but like some have said that's for me to try and deal with and not inflict on her. Shell have a 4 day residential at school next year......wish me luck!!!

@HummingBeeBox

In the situations I always say that my child would prefer me to take her and stay, and then I offer to help and the parents are usually grateful. Go with your gut feeling, I wouldn't worry about saying you want to take her and stay.

The OP doesn't have a gut feeling, she's just anxious about giving her child more independence. And this will only be resolved by ... giving her child more independence in a sensible and appropriate way and seeing that her child is perfectly able to cope. It's great that the OP has posted on her to hopefully understand that her worries are not usual.

I'll let her go as much as I'll still worry but like some have said that's for me to try and deal with and not inflict on her

This is part of your life lesson, she’s growing up and growing away from you as she should be. Part of that is dealing with your own feeling about it.

You want to raise a well rounded stable child who will be able to deal with their own situations as they grow into adults.

Letting the reigns free slowly is part of that deal I’m afraid. But you need to find your comfort zone as much as she does.

Independence is best gained in baby steps.
I suspect this is a shock because your DC hasn't done anything like it before. So why not take this opportunity to start building her independence in other small ways?

For example, it's normal for children to start making their own way to school in Year 5 or 6 and definitely by the start of secondary school. So start letting your child do small things on her own now - go and post a letter (does anyone do that any more?), walk round to a friend's house, walk part way to school if you're not happy with the whole way at first, go to the local park or the local shop.
Every year we get posts on MN from parents whose DC are about to go to secondary school and the child has basically never been anywhere on their own. Of course that's then extremely worrying. If you've built up independence over time, it's much less worrying :)

@Sparkle1138

Thanks for your responces and opinions. Sometimes your worries can get the better of you....completely agree 're the independence and yes she's going into year 5 so the apron strings need loosening!!!!

I think it is the hardest part of parenting. Lots of books and advice on toilet training, feeding, tantrums but where do you get advice on when to let them play out the front, go to the cornershop, walk to school alone and don't even start on the when to let them go to a nightclub or away with friends. I'm so glad I'm past all that but I think it is really difficult and good that you are aware.

I think parents are more likely to be anxious now than pre-pandemic.
Their children have missed out on a lot of opportunities for independence in the last ~1.5yrs. So the children may be less confident and less skilled, and the parents less confident too.

And that is completely aside from pandemic-related anxiety too.

I’ll come at it from a different perspective. My mum was very anxious and over-protective. I knew it and I don’t think it was helpful. I remember blowing up around 10 as I was so frustrated that I wasn’t allowed to do something everyone else was (think it was walking to school). I have been on the opposite scale with my children and probably give more independence than average.

I think the thing to thing about is preparing for secondary and seeing the next two years as part of her education in gaining more independence and you feeling confident with those steps. It is far more daunting for an 11 yo to have to get the bus alone etc if they haven’t had to do things for themselves before that.

@Bunnycat101 I was going to ask if anyone had experienced it from the other side, what you've said proves more so I have to smile and get on with it. And
@ancientgran couldn't agree more, this is where we have to rely on common sense and other parents views/experiences as there is no general advice. And after being with each other 24/7 thanks to the pandemic it's just exaggerated those worries.

I sympathise OP - I had the same earlier this year with my 9yo going to a splash park for a party with a friend's mum who's more relaxed about supervising her kids than I am (no criticism there - just a different style).

Like yours, my DD's very sensible, and I told myself it's the start of a transition into the next stage of her life. Doesn't stop me wanting to be protective tho ;)

I think she'll be fine at an indoor soft play. If it was a big theme park or something I'd be a bit more worried because of the potential for getting lost etc.

It's a shame you don't quite trust the parents' supervision skills, but I think at 9 they are old enough to go and play alone anyway, especially at an indoor venue like that.

Does she have a mobile? Could be an idea to give her one and then she can contact you if need be.

I agree with @UserStillatLarge regarding baby steps. Think of the skills a child will need when they start secondary school and how they are going to be developed in y5 & y6.

YABU, my daughter had a horse riding party at 6 pretty much straight after school. Quite a few parents were working so asked if we could take the children (we offered the option of us taking them or parents bringing them). We had 5 kids in our seven seater and that was age 6!

Aww I totally understand your feelings here. It's the 1st time so of course you are anxious. All children are different and not every child is off doing independent things.

My 5 are totally different and there's been situations where even though they are old enough on paper to do something, they weren't ready to do it or had never done it.

The 1st are the worst we tend to worry and that's normal. I think once you let them do something it makes it so much easier for future things.

I think all you can do here is make sure she knows who to speak to if she needs to. Explain safety to her, which I'm sure you do already. Let her go and try do something yourself to take your mind off it.

There's going to be alot of 1st in her life, it never gets easier... Sorry... No matter how old they are. It's all about us as parents trying to assess the situation ensuring it's suitable and safe and letting them go and have fun.

I'm still having anxious feelings with my older teens, when they went on a plane with friends, when they drove for the first time, when they went to all night parties etc. Funny thing is, I asked my own mother when she was alive if she worried and she did, she just never showed it, I never knew, I just thought she was a cool mom who let me do many things. My dad said, you never stop worrying, even when your kids are married with their own family...

It’s hard letting go sometimes and we all have different hurdles but this is completely age appropriate stuff and you know she’ll have a great time.. Why not go over some basic safety stuff before she goes. Eg stay with group, don’t wander off, if she gets lost what would she do? If she didn’t feel comfortable doing something what would she say? Does she know your phone number? Look at pictures/maps of the place and talk about what she wants to do Etc etc
Not to worry her but to give her the tools to deal with situations and give you a bit of peace of mind.

YABU but I think some people are being too harsh.

I think it's very common to feel anxious about these things. Your baby is growing up. You're allowed to privately find it a bit scary. Just make sure that you don't allow these feelings to get in the way of her finding her own way in the world.

If she is sensible get her a cheap phone, any problems she can call you.

She is 9 and will be with her friends so I would let her go, I understand your worry though, that’s why I have mine a phone, it’s a cheap rubbish one, nothing to be proud of, it’s just to call me if I’m needed.

Also ask questions and make scenarios up and tell her what she can say and do, ect.

If I’m trouble find the parents, if not approach someone in a uniform ect.

@Sparkle1138 I've always stayed at birthday parties same as most other parents I know we all sit together and have tea whilst the kids play

After primary school they don't get invited to any parties like that anymore.

In fairness, your child will not be going alone. She will be going with a few other children and the host child's parents, maybe they have roped in a couple of other adults too.

She'll be fine.

Ah, glad to see you're going to let her go. My mum still worries about me going out for the day and I'm 52, married with a child!

Don’t let your fears ruin your child’s childhood. Parenting is one of the hardest things you will do. I understand why you feel this way. But she will 99% be perfectly safe and happy.

My partner regularly takes DS and normally 3 friends, on day long escapades including through woodland etc. He's done this since about age 6. DS has gone on day long trips with someone else's parent and 2 or 3 others. Dropping off at activity type parties is standard, if organiser is happy.

@ThanksIGotItInMorrisons

Don’t let your fears ruin your child’s childhood. Parenting is one of the hardest things you will do. I understand why you feel this way. But she will 99% be perfectly safe and happy.

Yes This, If you're not used to doing this and I'm guessing shes an only child/your youngest? Hard to realise they are growing up and at 9 she'll be perfectly fine. I took some of ds's friends to a public place for his 6th birthday, only 30 mins away but didn't even consider anyone would have a problem or be anxious with it. And from the parents it was all positive.

At 9, they were off on their own at center parcs (by on own, I mean with a friend) biking to the swimming and coming back at a set time. They were sensible, knew how to get hold of us, could swim and theres lifeguards everywhere. Sometimes they need some independence to just go off and enjoy themselves. Obviously, with every situation, do a small risk assessment first, but you need to weigh that up with the actual likelihood of something happening, and what that something might be.

Gosh I am surprised you haven’t let your dd do this before. My dd wouldn’t stay at parties until she was about 7 unless I stayed with her. She was an anomaly tbh and it started to get embarrassing because I wondered if the parents thought this came from me, when it didn’t. She had a soft play party when she was 6 with about 15 kids. Hardly any parents stayed.