Bf's best friend & wife

[dorsetmamaa]

Bf & i recently moved in, i came to his area so naturally i don't have any friends here nor does my DD (9)

Bf's closest friend and wife have 2 kids, the daughter is the same age as mine so lately I've been arranging playdates.

Firstly, the wife doesn't drive so i have to go there to pick up her dd and bring her back to mine then obviously drop her home.

So far we have had 4 play dates, 2 initiated by me 2 initiated directly between the girls to which we obviously agreed.

The last couple of times the wife had asked if i could take the son also, which p'd me off as I'm not just offering to babysit, its a playdate for the girls.

Anyway the last playdate the girls had a fight, i didn't see what happened but they both had marks so i place the blame on both. Following this, the wife when asking what happened very much took the approach of, my poor dd, why did yours do this.

Keeping in mind this is the wife of my bf's best friend i simply said i wasn't there so couldn't say who started it etc but they both had marks and it was appalling behaviour from them both and perhaps they need a break from each other. That was that, she agreed.

Following that, her dd has been sending mine messages non stop, being nasty swearing etc. Mine is no longer allowed to reply or pick up the phone. Ive informed the mum. It is still continuing,

My attitude towards this is firstly I am the new girl in town, shouldnt it be her that tries to befriend me and welcome me to the area? Or at least return the favour, as the last 4 playdates were on me. (Not now that we've had this situation, but prior to that)

Also her dd is just not very nice and i am no longer willing for a friendship to form.

AIBU to completely stop all contact with her, to be honest that essentially means no more inviting them out for double dates etc as it is one sided anyway.

I obviously dont want bf to be upset but shes simply selfish!

@onelittlefrog

Yep, it's very strange that two nine year girls should physically fight and leave marks

I find it really interesting how many people are saying this and I wonder if anyone would bat an eyelid if they were boys.

For all the feminism on mumsnet, some of these attitudes are a bit odd

Kids fight, girls AND boys, it happens and yes sometimes it gets physical especially when adults aren't around supervising.

I wouldn't try to "ban" the friendship or stop it as such - they may make up and get on fine again in a while. Just leave them to it and see what happens naturally between them. Obviously, make sure that they can't send horrible messages to each other whilst they are upset. In a few weeks they might be ready to make up, or they might not.

If you feel that the other girl is really bad news and you don't want to let your child hang around with her then that's fine - but consider it may not go down well with your bf's best friend!

Are you sure you're not just seeing the worst side of this child as they have fallen out?

I've got 3 grown up sons. Had many many playdates and never had anything like a physical fight happen. I would definitely have batted an eyelid if it had happened at my house. Mine would have been grounded and other child asked to leave and not come back.

I find it really strange that anyone would think two nine year olds would fight and leave marks on each other and adults wouldn't bat an eyelid.

The other girl sounds like a nasty piece of work and going by the wife's dismissive attitude, it's obvious she didn't fall far from the tree.

What does your BF say about this?

It would be nice if she made the effort to be friends with you but you’re adults not children, of course she doesn’t have to welcome you as the ‘new girl in town’, you haven’t started a new school!

As for the play dates, What is your daughters version of events? Even if they’re both to blame I wouldn’t be happy with the other girls behaviour now so I wouldn’t organise any play dates for a while.

@NeonDreams he agrees maybe its best the kids dont have playdates if they cant get on so the friendship between them isnt jeopardised

My dd isnt violent in the slightest

Yet you said both girls had marks, so unless the other child did it to herself....

Taking the comment in context, I took OP to mean that her DD hasn't been violent in the past.
Unlike the the other Mum, OP has not leapt in to apportion blame. She didn't see what happened and has rightly said that they were both at fault.

What explanation did the girls give for the fracas?

@NeonDreams

The other girl sounds like a nasty piece of work and going by the wife's dismissive attitude, it's obvious she didn't fall far from the tree.

What does your BF say about this?

This ^

This is probably obvious and you've done it already but have you asked your DD what happened? She will only tell her side of course but there might be something you can help her with.

I don't agree when people say that kids should sort problems out on their own, they don't have the tools. Talking about incidents like this can help them deal with disagreements better in future.

You may have to dig a little - find out what was said and done leading up to the fight and work out, with her, if she could have done something differently to calm things down.
There may not have been much she could have done differently as the other girl sounds volatile - but whatever happened its worth talking about and learning from.

Anyway, good luck and I hope DD makes some other friends when she starts school. It's hard moving somewhere new and starting again. Is there any way you can invite an old friend from her previous school to stay or go back to visit so she doesn't feel lonely in the holidays?

You haven't said how long you've been dating the bf.

I'd try to be a bit more discerning about the friendships you make as well as those of your DD.

Her DD has learned to be violent from somewhere. Are they a bit trashy?

Distance yourself from the mum block the child from your DD explore the new area and meet different people.

@MumW

(& someone else cant remember who asked this)

Yes i of course asked my dd what happened, and i am aware i probably sound like i am favouring my own child's argument however the reason for this is we overheard from downstairs, the were rolling around laughing i assume this is the wrestling part as they sounded like mini elephants. Then i heard my dd say no that hurts, (yes for all of the mumsnet police) i was heading upstairs at this point.
Then i heard it again and a thump, presume this was my dd pushing her off (also the other girls mark was on her side, from a fall rather than a slap or punch) then i heard the slap and my dd burst into tears and we met on the stairs.

So yes i probably am sounding like im defending my dd more, thats not to say i didnt handle the situation at the time correctly (imo) by not blaming either as i didnt see so as much as i heard that wouldnt have been fair. I also didnt want the other little girl to be upset as she wasnt in her own environment, no matter what happened.

I then ended the playdate and took her home, her mother wasnt in only her aunty so i could not explain until later on.

@RantyAunty because it carries no weight to the situation ?

@couchparsnip thank you and yes we do have plans to return to our old friends in the summer :)

@Maggiesfarm since when have small children made their own play date arrangements?! The parents are generally involved along the way.

@lollipoprainbow

OP as a mum of a dd9 who is always having kids over and never having it reciprocated I sympathise !! I can't believe the replies on her implying the OP was wrong to expect a bit of a welcome from the other woman would this be too much to ask??! Also the implication that the OP has traumatised her dd for moving in with her boyfriend and saying they can spot red flags etc unbelievable!!!!

It’s more that when you get in this kind of situation as the OP has, that it’s less easy to just walk away from it, because the mother of this other child is the OP’s boyfriend’s best friend’s wife. Who already seems to be exploiting the OP somewhat for childcare by including her other child on play dates, and now there’s this situation with the girls, the fight, the nasty messages etc.

I would say — as someone who has moved a lot in her adult life — that it’s best to not pursue friendships initially with people you will have difficulty in distancing yourself from. Like if you fall out with neighbours when it turns out you don’t like each other after going out for drinks, but you’re still living next door, Better to start off very cautiously with someone like your boyfriend’s best friend’s wife for the same reasons.

My son also 9 can message some friends and also his Grandparents and us if we are not with him. With the pandemic I really don’t think this is unusual the pandemic made us make different parenting decision considering our son is an only child and has spent months with no physical contact with other children. I would say around half his friends have an ability to contact friends via iPad or phone so dorsetmamaa I would ignore all the people getting funny about that. I find in our son’s class parents fall in 2 clear camps those that allow it (with regulation) and the other half who are appalled by it. We all make our own parenting decisions but people can be so judge mental.
The other little girl sounds horrible and the fact you have actual physical evidence of her being horrible to your daughter and the Mum won’t discipline her for it is wrong definitely block and keep the kids apart. I think as she is your bf best friend’s wife and you have kids the same age it is not her responsibility to welcome you but it is incredibly mean spirited of her not to invite you round and show you around etc

Just cut off from all this nonsense, and can't understand why 9year old girls are fighting at all. arguing maybe, but fighting no,

If the girls don't get on then there is no need to arrange future play dates. I wouldn't tolerate a child sending nasty messages but, as others have said, I wouldn't let a young child have a phone either. I also would have expected the mother to arrange her own transport too but I understand you wanted to make friends. You can still go out with them, just as a couple, but I think it will be difficult as both of you won't forget what has happened.

To those asking OP to say how long she has been with bf, how she met him, why they moved to his area etc, you know that has nothing to do with you or this friendship question, right?

@MyOtherProfile

To those asking OP to say how long she has been with bf, how she met him, why they moved to his area etc, you know that has nothing to do with you or this friendship question, right?

Quite. The level of comprehension in this thread is low.

Why is she selfish? She has no obligation to do you any favours. Making friends is about mixing with like minded people and forming bonds. Expecting people to be friends with you is very entitled.

Actually Dorsetmummathat sounds fine. It sounds like you were in top of it, and heard enough that you ought believe your DD.

So cut this toxic cf mum off and her Dd from contacting your DD and don't encourage any friendship between them

I'd expect your bf to support / respect you in that for DDs sake