Bf's best friend & wife

[dorsetmamaa]

Bf & i recently moved in, i came to his area so naturally i don't have any friends here nor does my DD (9)

Bf's closest friend and wife have 2 kids, the daughter is the same age as mine so lately I've been arranging playdates.

Firstly, the wife doesn't drive so i have to go there to pick up her dd and bring her back to mine then obviously drop her home.

So far we have had 4 play dates, 2 initiated by me 2 initiated directly between the girls to which we obviously agreed.

The last couple of times the wife had asked if i could take the son also, which p'd me off as I'm not just offering to babysit, its a playdate for the girls.

Anyway the last playdate the girls had a fight, i didn't see what happened but they both had marks so i place the blame on both. Following this, the wife when asking what happened very much took the approach of, my poor dd, why did yours do this.

Keeping in mind this is the wife of my bf's best friend i simply said i wasn't there so couldn't say who started it etc but they both had marks and it was appalling behaviour from them both and perhaps they need a break from each other. That was that, she agreed.

Following that, her dd has been sending mine messages non stop, being nasty swearing etc. Mine is no longer allowed to reply or pick up the phone. Ive informed the mum. It is still continuing,

My attitude towards this is firstly I am the new girl in town, shouldnt it be her that tries to befriend me and welcome me to the area? Or at least return the favour, as the last 4 playdates were on me. (Not now that we've had this situation, but prior to that)

Also her dd is just not very nice and i am no longer willing for a friendship to form.

AIBU to completely stop all contact with her, to be honest that essentially means no more inviting them out for double dates etc as it is one sided anyway.

I obviously dont want bf to be upset but shes simply selfish!

A teacher of many years and l can only remember one occasion when l saw girls physically fighting with friends. I have seen siblings but not friends.
( l physically fought with my sisters growing up) That, to me, is very unusual behaviour on a play date.
Just say nothing but avoid other play dates and leave your dd make her own friends in school, on your street wherever. This friendship is best left for the moment.

You have made a big effort and unfortunately there has been no reciprocity or even goodwill. Time to sever that connection.

I agree that blocking the child is a good call.

I hope you meet some nicer people soon!!

@Bluntness100

Are you usually quite into big drama and falling out with folks? Genuine question? Do you seem to have a lot of drama in yout life.?

What a passive aggressive and downright shitty post. The children had a fight. What part of that for you not comprehend?

Why are you always so fucking horrible to OPs who have a problem?

I think it's a shame she didn't reciprocate with the play dates. Perhaps her dd has plenty of friends and is quite busy, perhaps she isn't keen on your dd and wouldn't initiate a play date but felt she should be polite by accepting one when offered iyswim.

She was cheeky asking you to take her ds too. Was this a one off, a favour?

I'm afraid that I wouldn't be happy about how you handled the fight either. it is really shocking that they had a physical fight that left marks, at your house. I would have expected you to deal with it robustly and to get to the bottom of what happened and who caused it not return her home with 'I didn't see what happened but they both have marks so we'll assume it was 50/50.'

If nothing like this has happened to her dd before I suppose she would naturally assume that your dd instigated it.

It is wrong that her dd is now contacting your dd and being nasty. As pp have said, block and seek out other friendships. Will they be in the same school in September?

Personally, I would give up on friendship with the mum. She doesn't seem particularly interested.

The children don't get on, it happens.

Doesn't mean the adults can't meet and the children be told to be polite to each other for the duration?

If we’re talking about the gender pigeonholes here, surely it’s OP’s boyfriend’s friend who you’d expect to welcome them to the area if it’s anyone’s job to do so. The only reason for anyone to think that should be his wife’s role is because she’s a woman.

Sign your daughter up for some clubs do she meets new friends, I wouldn't allow a child of that age to have a phone or messaging apps it's unnecessary. You don't have to be friends with this woman nor she you just because your respective partners are friends. I also think it's unusual for nine year olds who don't know each other very well (different with siblings etc) to have a physical fight. If you're daughter has never behaved like this before maybe she is struggling having moved to an area where she knows no one.
I don't think you'd children not getting along should be a reason for you refuse double dates on occasion, essentially causing tension between your partner and his best friend, seems unnecessary

How did your DD explain the incident?

Block the child from contacting your dd.
Don't invite her over again and explain to your boyfriend what has happened but make it clear you are happy to forge a friendship with the wife.
From my experience, children from their own friendships. None of my adult children are particularly close to any of the children of my friends. Civil yes, good friends no.
Let your dd make friends at school.

Just because they're your boyfriend's friends doesn't mean they'll be yours too.

Just because their daughter is the same age as yours, doesn't mean they'll be friends.

This is all too forced. No wonder it isn't working. Make some friends that you actually get on with, not forced friendships which come only from convenience/circumstance.

Yup, all of @suspiria777’s questions are what came to my mind reading this...

Your daughter will make plenty of friends once in school so I would avoid this other girl. Fighting aside I don’t like the sound of the nasty messages and her mums attitude. If you are working you will make friends through work and if you are not find a hobby and get out and about and see if any nice neighbours etc. Your bf will have a good relationship with them but doesn’t mean you and your daughter need to end up as besties with them. Keep it civil and short.

OP you don't owe anyone any answers re your relationship and the move.

People are right that the woman didn't have to reach out to you just because you are new. But you would hope in most cases she would, just out of kindness to a new person someone she is close to loves.

I really hope your dd isn't going to go to the same school as this child. I would be asking in a local FB group for ideas of kids activities where she can meet some people in the next couple of weeks ready for September, unless she already started school before the holidays.

Keep busy this summer with activities, join your local library (they'll have loads on!)

Block this girl on your DD's phone and have a nice summer.

If you see the parents just do it without the kids.

I agree that 9YO physically fighting is unusual and very concerning.

1. I think it’s a major error to move to the boyfriends house and area. Even if it’s technically nicer it’s a big risk for Simone that hasn’t committed to you .

2. I do think that the onus is on people from the area to welcome you. It’s polite. I gave my new neighbours a bottle of wine to say hello and welcome. I wouldn’t expect them to come round with one to me.
   Like you I would expect the boyfriends friends and their partners to welcome you and show you the area. Why wouldn’t they?

3. Fights with marks is grim. You’ve done the right thing blocking contact. You need to get a friendship circle ASAP. DD will be fine once at school but get yourself some local mates that have things in commmon with you.

OP as a mum of a dd9 who is always having kids over and never having it reciprocated I sympathise !! I can't believe the replies on her implying the OP was wrong to expect a bit of a welcome from the other woman would this be too much to ask??! Also the implication that the OP has traumatised her dd for moving in with her boyfriend and saying they can spot red flags etc unbelievable!!!!

This whole scenario is mental to me.
You moved in with a boyfriend, and dragged your daughter to a new part of the country in the process, where she has no friends (and has to spend the whole holidays by herself, presumably?)?
How did you even meet and date, if you didn't live anywhere near each other?
How long have you been together?
How does your daughter get on with your boyfriend? Could her recent violence (VERY unusual behaviour in young child, especially a girl with no previous behavioural problems) be something to do with the massive upheaval she's faced recently?

@suspiria777 what makes you think she was 'dragged to a new part of the country' ? And what business is it of yours to ask how they met ? Your implications here are not very nice tbh.

@onelittlefrog

I don’t know kids that physical fight unless they are siblings or a few that are young and have SEN and I’ve worked with children all my life.

Its definitely not normal. Falling out and being nasty maybe but physically fighting boys or girls really isn’t a thing and it's totally wrong to normalise inappropriate behaviour.

@lollipoprainbow

*This whole scenario is mental to me. You moved in with a boyfriend, and dragged your daughter to a new part of the country in the process, where she has no friends (and has to spend the whole holidays by herself, presumably?)? How did you even meet and date, if you didn't live anywhere near each other? How long have you been together? How does your daughter get on with your boyfriend? Could her recent violence (VERY unusual behaviour in young child, especially a girl with no previous behavioural problems) be something to do with the massive upheaval she's faced recently?*

@suspiria777 what makes you think she was 'dragged to a new part of the country' ? And what business is it of yours to ask how they met ? Your implications here are not very nice tbh.

I would like to understand the dynamics at work here that might provide some context for the child's sudden extreme behaviour. It is unusual, to say the least, for a single parent of a school aged child to move to a completely new area. I think it would be immensely helpful to know the background to that move.

AIBU to completely stop all contact with her, to be honest that essentially means no more inviting them out for double dates etc as it is one sided anyway.

Yanbu and you should do so ASAP
Other wife sounds a CF demanding you take her son too!!!

It's become unhealthy between your DD and hers. Block the other DD on the tablet so she has no access to be able to send more abusive messages to your DD. Watch out for her sneaking in via social media when your DD gets anything.

Any child - a 9 year old!! Not a 16 or 17 year old !!- that sends abusive swearing messages to other people is a worry - it has to come from how the parents interact.

I'd be rethinking this set up. Cool any double date with bfs friend and his wife , avoid them and do not expose your DD to that. She wouldn't be out of my sight around this family if your socially tone deaf bf does ever arrange for them to come over.

DCs do fall out & usually things blow over but it's extreme for 9 year old girls to physically fight enough to mark each other. Zero chance Id let this become a friendship or even a passing acquaintance.

As restrictions ease, you'd be better to focus on arranging an activity childcare days (like Active nation) or team sports Or a local hobby club DD enjoys as a way to introduce DD to other local DCs. She will make friends at school soon enough but that's a month away & it's good to build her confidence with other local friends outside school.

This isn't about you making friends- you're a big girl and can meet people at work and your own hobbies- this should be about settling your DD into a new area to make new friends & helping her keep connected to her old friends.

I have to boys, neither have ever got into a physical fight, I'd be horrified if they did.

If I was the other mum I'd wonder what on earth you were doing while all this happened. How could a falling out between two 9 year olds move on to both children having physical injuries without you being aware of it?

@Kite22 @suspiria777

Firstly ive never said they had social media thats been added in somewhere along the way. My daughter has an ipad therefore has a few friends she can chat with from our old area via facetime.

The fact that anyone thinks that is a problem is bizarre to me! Everyone is so quick to jump on the "im such an excellent parent, i wouldnt allow that" before you even have the facts.

And what my daughter tells me is they were wrestling and playing, the other girl got too rough and was hurting mine, my dd pushed her off, then she slapped my dd. That was the end, which tbh i believe as my dd has never been violent.

@lunar1

Are your kids not allowed to play in their rooms then?

At 9 years old you stand at their bedroom door watching them play the whole time do you?

My bad, clearly i need to take a leaf out of your ever so superior parenting ways

I'm a bit sad that by the sound of it you moved your daughter away from her friends so you could move in with your boyfriend. No wonder she's not at her best.

@suspiria777 may want to check the stats on that one, we had kids moving from our old school all the time.

Also we moved 1hour away. Not exactly the Caribbean. But enough to need to have some new friends close by