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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bf's best friend & wife

121 replies

dorsetmamaa · 05/08/2021 15:08

Bf & i recently moved in, i came to his area so naturally i don't have any friends here nor does my DD (9)

Bf's closest friend and wife have 2 kids, the daughter is the same age as mine so lately I've been arranging playdates.

Firstly, the wife doesn't drive so i have to go there to pick up her dd and bring her back to mine then obviously drop her home.

So far we have had 4 play dates, 2 initiated by me 2 initiated directly between the girls to which we obviously agreed.

The last couple of times the wife had asked if i could take the son also, which p'd me off as I'm not just offering to babysit, its a playdate for the girls.

Anyway the last playdate the girls had a fight, i didn't see what happened but they both had marks so i place the blame on both. Following this, the wife when asking what happened very much took the approach of, my poor dd, why did yours do this.

Keeping in mind this is the wife of my bf's best friend i simply said i wasn't there so couldn't say who started it etc but they both had marks and it was appalling behaviour from them both and perhaps they need a break from each other. That was that, she agreed.

Following that, her dd has been sending mine messages non stop, being nasty swearing etc. Mine is no longer allowed to reply or pick up the phone. Ive informed the mum. It is still continuing,

My attitude towards this is firstly I am the new girl in town, shouldnt it be her that tries to befriend me and welcome me to the area? Or at least return the favour, as the last 4 playdates were on me. (Not now that we've had this situation, but prior to that)

Also her dd is just not very nice and i am no longer willing for a friendship to form.

AIBU to completely stop all contact with her, to be honest that essentially means no more inviting them out for double dates etc as it is one sided anyway.

I obviously dont want bf to be upset but shes simply selfish!

OP posts:
LankylegsFromOz · 06/08/2021 07:57

God MN is ridiculous sometimes Confused

OP, like you, if it were me (and it has been me) I would do everything to make you feel welcome. So that's one strike.

Next is the response to the kids drama (including the looking after brother bullsbit) .. #2.

You guys won't be friends but I think for the sake of everyone, just plaster a fake smile, make small talk and be friendly (on the surface) when you are forced to be together in a social settling.

But take a step back, because this woman is a bitch.

Vanilla1Cookies · 06/08/2021 07:57

I am the new girl in town, shouldnt it be her that tries to befriend me

You seem entitled and no it doesn’t work like that. You are the new person trying to fit in so you should be making the effort 😂 not sat there thinking everyone should be running around after you.

If I was the other women I wouldn’t befriend you when the kids are getting into physical fights anyway so it’s a no brainier. Block the kid on the iPad and don’t set up anything else.

SmokeyDevil · 06/08/2021 07:58

@dorsetmamaa

Why did you move away from your friends and your dds friends to live with your BF? Why couldn't he move?

Original poster
dorsetmamaa · 06/08/2021 07:59

@lollipoprainbow Thank you! Honestly, you would think i had taken her with me and joined Isis.

We are now a loving blended family she is so happy here, it was just about okay dates for christ sake lol! Some people!

Perhaps more context was needed re "the fight" but ive never experienced another child acting like that with mine so its new to me.

My dd isnt violent in the slightest

OP posts:
lollipoprainbow · 06/08/2021 08:00

@Vanilla1Cookies what's entitled about expecting people to be friendly ?? Jees this is what's wrong with the world!!

I think it's awful the OP is being painted as a bad mum !

lollipoprainbow · 06/08/2021 08:01

@dorsetmamaa you're welcome !! Some ridiculous comments on here.

MrsMoastyToasty · 06/08/2021 08:02

Have you taken screenshots of the messages and forwarded them to the other parent to show what her DD little shit is doing?

Onehotmess · 06/08/2021 08:03

@Hopdathelf I don’t think that’s particularly unusual to expect. When I moved to an new area, another mum took me under her wing and introduced me to all the friends I now have! That’s the kind thing to do surely?

Vanilla1Cookies · 06/08/2021 08:03

[quote lollipoprainbow]@Vanilla1Cookies what's entitled about expecting people to be friendly ?? Jees this is what's wrong with the world!!

I think it's awful the OP is being painted as a bad mum ! [/quote]
She was friendly. She accepted the OP invite for play dates and attended joint dates together but the OP expecting everyone to befriend her because she’s the new person in town is entitled.

vivainsomnia · 06/08/2021 08:04

It's a pity that instead of immediately taking the it's not my daughter's fault position, which inevitably was not going to be well received, you didn't call the mum right away, say that a fight happened, you don't really know how it all started and evolved, but you think that it would be good to get together, sit them down, and talk them through it with both of you on the same wavelength in how to take it forward.

Instead you made it a conflict from the start by assuming they were both equally at fault. Inevitably the daughter recalled a very different tale and her mum is going to believe her.

It's such a pity as the seed is now sow and it's going to be hard to salvage a reasonable relationship which are going to make things awkward for your OH.

Can you call the mum, agree to start again, get the girls together and try to resolve the matter, even if the agreement is that they don't care to be friends any longer, which is fine, as long as you explain that the parents will be getting together and therefore at times, the will have to interact and be pleasant to each other.

notacooldad · 06/08/2021 08:16

My attitude towards this is firstly I am the new girl in town, shouldnt it be her that tries to befriend me and welcome me to the area?
🤣🤣🤣🤣

I agree with this, at least if I was the friend I would make an effort to welcome you!! welcome maybe but befriend?
It doesn't follow that you have to become mates with your bf's partner. I would hate to be forced into that role. Friendships ( well mine have) evolve organically

what's entitled about expecting people to be friendly ?? Jees this is what's wrong with the world!!
Nothing wrong with being friendly. I'm friendly with some of DH's friend's wives but I'm not friends with them. We meet up occasionally and have drinks and a meal but I have my own friend team

lollipoprainbow · 06/08/2021 08:18

@Vanilla1Cookies yes she accepted all the play dates the OP offered without any being reciprocated !! Very friendly

Tiana4 · 06/08/2021 08:22

Yea OP more context was needed about the fight

So my large family, DCs siblings do play fight and sometimes tempers can flare - and I have to step in- but they don't play fight with new friends.

On MN ppl can try to out do each other on parenting crowns, AIBU is like that, but maybe consider that underneath fair enough points are being made about listening out and intervening as it was a 9 year olds play date with new child and 'play fighting' isn't quiet!

  • when I hear DC (siblings) play fighting or any argument I go immediately to the noise to be near to intervene if needed. I suspect you feel you did that and it all happened quickly ?
  • it sounds from your DDs point of view other girl was getting rough. She slapped your DD? Across the face as an attack or to DDs arm that was pushing her away 'in her view hurting her' as an also defensive reaction ? The actual dynamics & context are relevant and you didn't see- so you are right to blame both girls. And say it can't happen again.

Because you said DD is getting messages on tablet rather than mobile (via sms texts) people are warning about social media, for the future, which is generic term (not just fb, IG, snapchat etc which she doesn't have yet) as it can include chat facilities in games like roblox minecraft etc that DD may play & the other girl may get to her via that.

Vanilla1Cookies · 06/08/2021 08:31

[quote lollipoprainbow]@Vanilla1Cookies yes she accepted all the play dates the OP offered without any being reciprocated !! Very friendly [/quote]
Yes it is friendly to accept play dates. She doesn’t have to be friends with her though does she and reciprocate them.

lollipoprainbow · 06/08/2021 08:33

@Vanilla1Cookies why ? Isn't that how things work ? Four play dates and not one is reciprocated ! To me that's not being in the least bit friendly. Sounds like the mum wanted to offload her daughter and son too by the sound of it.

lollipoprainbow · 06/08/2021 08:33

@Vanilla1Cookies are you the other mum?!!

Vanilla1Cookies · 06/08/2021 08:42

[quote lollipoprainbow]@Vanilla1Cookies why ? Isn't that how things work ? Four play dates and not one is reciprocated ! To me that's not being in the least bit friendly. Sounds like the mum wanted to offload her daughter and son too by the sound of it. [/quote]
2 of them were instigated by the kids and the OP offered the other 2 so she’s not offloading her kids if it’s being offered. Confused The OP probably only did 4 in a row as she’s desperate for friends and the other women isn’t desperate for a friendship so could of reciprocated in her own time and when it suits her.

She also went on the double dates and I presume she chats to the OP when there so that’s also friendly and welcoming.

She would have her own friendships already established and she’s under no obligation to be the one that has to run around after the OP and welcoming her to the area because she’s new. If you are new then you are the one that has to make the effort to get to know people. It’s entitled just to think ‘well I’m new so you all have to befriend me’.

Maggiesfarm · 06/08/2021 08:42

dorsetmamas: i simply said i wasn't there so couldn't say who started it etc but they both had marks and it was appalling behaviour from them both and perhaps they need a break from each other.
.........
Where were you then? Was the boy there? He probably would have seen what happened and why.

It was an unfortunate incident but these things usually blow over. However nasty, swearing text messages are not on.

Your daughter will make her own friends from September when she returns to school and it's not that long away.

Vanilla1Cookies · 06/08/2021 08:43

[quote lollipoprainbow]@Vanilla1Cookies are you the other mum?!! [/quote]
Oh get real. What a stupid comment to make.

Maggiesfarm · 06/08/2021 08:45

I have to say I hate the idea of play dates arranged by parents. Back in the day children made their own arrangements, obviously asked mum's permission when they were small.

butterpuffed · 06/08/2021 08:47

God, some nasty remarks on here. I moved a couple of months ago and neighbours have been round to welcome me. I've done the same when people have moved near to me previously. It's normal friendly behaviour.

Maggiesfarm · 06/08/2021 08:50

[quote dorsetmamaa]@lunar1

Are your kids not allowed to play in their rooms then?

At 9 years old you stand at their bedroom door watching them play the whole time do you?

My bad, clearly i need to take a leaf out of your ever so superior parenting ways[/quote]
That is a good point. I was wondering where you were when this went on (I imagined out in the garden), but of course you don't watch nine year olds for every second.

starfishmummy · 06/08/2021 08:51

My dd isnt violent in the slightest

Yet you said both girls had marks, so unless the other child did it to herself....

pelosi · 06/08/2021 08:51

YANBU, she clearly thinks you should be grateful as you're new to the area, hence taking the piss by rying to make you babysit her son too and then blaming the fight on your dd.

Just ignore them both and if they ask for another playdate, say that it's best to leave things for a while due to what happened, and then keep saying this if they ask again. They have shown their true colours.

Original poster
dorsetmamaa · 06/08/2021 08:54

[quote lollipoprainbow]@Vanilla1Cookies are you the other mum?!! [/quote]
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

OP posts:
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