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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bf's best friend & wife

121 replies

dorsetmamaa · 05/08/2021 15:08

Bf & i recently moved in, i came to his area so naturally i don't have any friends here nor does my DD (9)

Bf's closest friend and wife have 2 kids, the daughter is the same age as mine so lately I've been arranging playdates.

Firstly, the wife doesn't drive so i have to go there to pick up her dd and bring her back to mine then obviously drop her home.

So far we have had 4 play dates, 2 initiated by me 2 initiated directly between the girls to which we obviously agreed.

The last couple of times the wife had asked if i could take the son also, which p'd me off as I'm not just offering to babysit, its a playdate for the girls.

Anyway the last playdate the girls had a fight, i didn't see what happened but they both had marks so i place the blame on both. Following this, the wife when asking what happened very much took the approach of, my poor dd, why did yours do this.

Keeping in mind this is the wife of my bf's best friend i simply said i wasn't there so couldn't say who started it etc but they both had marks and it was appalling behaviour from them both and perhaps they need a break from each other. That was that, she agreed.

Following that, her dd has been sending mine messages non stop, being nasty swearing etc. Mine is no longer allowed to reply or pick up the phone. Ive informed the mum. It is still continuing,

My attitude towards this is firstly I am the new girl in town, shouldnt it be her that tries to befriend me and welcome me to the area? Or at least return the favour, as the last 4 playdates were on me. (Not now that we've had this situation, but prior to that)

Also her dd is just not very nice and i am no longer willing for a friendship to form.

AIBU to completely stop all contact with her, to be honest that essentially means no more inviting them out for double dates etc as it is one sided anyway.

I obviously dont want bf to be upset but shes simply selfish!

OP posts:
thevelvetcurtain · 05/08/2021 19:32

I don't think YABU (apart from the bit about how she should have made an effort but it's a small part of a big post so there's no point in zoning in on it).

I am horrified that 9 year old girls physically fought though! And I'd be blocking the other girl's number on your DD's phone (if she needs a phone at all). Maybe see if there's a local summer club for your DD to join to make new friends before school so that you're not having to rely on people who aren't that friendly.

Saoirse82 · 05/08/2021 19:33

This woman sounds like a CF and I'd be having nothing to do with her and her dd past pleasantries when you need to, you don't need to be friends because she's the wife of your bfs best friend.
You'll likely meet new friends anyway over time. YANBU

Original poster
dorsetmamaa · 05/08/2021 19:33

@Ireolu Her response was all of a sudden very much "its them both" even though mine wasn't swearing or being anywhere near as foul. But when it came to the fight it was all my child

OP posts:
Original poster
dorsetmamaa · 05/08/2021 19:35

@Saoirse82 Yeah i think so too, to be honest ive learnt my lesson with trying to build relationships with his friends and kids...the hard way! Haha

OP posts:
Original poster
dorsetmamaa · 05/08/2021 19:38

@whatthejiggeries Well i didnt mean i expect her to fall at my feet to welcome me. It was just more that its her "turf" she has her security network Vs us being new and approaching this new daunting adventure.

I simply meant if roles were reversed i would be thinking its more on me to make her feel welcome

OP posts:
PieceOfString · 05/08/2021 19:39

Oh man, that's a rubbish set up, but don't think you could have done much more. In your shoes I would bring your bf up to speed and show him so he can see why you are taking steps to put some distance between them and your daughter and protect yourself from bad mouthing (just in case) and then retreat to a completely neutral position.

Original poster
dorsetmamaa · 05/08/2021 19:39

@Bluntness100 quite the opposite. This is the most "drama" ive had in a long time

Why do you ask?

OP posts:
DoubleTweenQueen · 05/08/2021 19:40

@dorsetmamaa Just because your bf and his best friend are tight doesn't mean that you will automatically get on with friend's wife or that your DD and friend's DD will be friends.
You have tried and made a significant effort. It doesn't seem to have worked out. It's not the end of the world.
Let things cool down. Keep it all polite. See if the girls make up - it can happen!

PieceOfString · 05/08/2021 19:41

I agree with you that I would be inclined to help a new partner of a close friend settle into a new area. That's a personal inclination though and not everyone would bother. But all things being equal you two mum's don't know each other well and she seems to have a bias to her child can't be at fault, for whatever reason, so all you can do is back off.

WovenFish · 05/08/2021 19:47

[quote dorsetmamaa]@Returnoftheowl She doesnt actually have a phone its through her ipad but yes blocking is a good shout[/quote]
It isn’t really appropriate for a 9 year old to having messaging apps on an iPad either - that’s no different to having a phone. The other child should not be sending messages and her parents need to sort that out but you can protect your child from social media/ messaging while they are too young be able to handle it

HurryUpAndWait23 · 05/08/2021 19:50

She fights with your girl then sends her abusive messages and you're asking whether you should stop your daughter being friends with her? Confused

suspiria777 · 05/08/2021 19:53

This whole scenario is mental to me.
You moved in with a boyfriend, and dragged your daughter to a new part of the country in the process, where she has no friends (and has to spend the whole holidays by herself, presumably?)?
How did you even meet and date, if you didn't live anywhere near each other?
How long have you been together?
How does your daughter get on with your boyfriend? Could her recent violence (VERY unusual behaviour in young child, especially a girl with no previous behavioural problems) be something to do with the massive upheaval she's faced recently?

Kite22 · 05/08/2021 19:58

I'm thinking the same as suspiria .

I'm also concerned that a 9 yr old is messaging people on social media, whether the device is a phone or an iPad.

I also think it incredibly unusual for 2x 9 yr old girls on a playdate to be physically fighting.

MeridianB · 05/08/2021 20:18

Step away from the whole thing. It won’t get any better.

You’ll both find new friends in time. Take up some hobbies, join some clubs.

Hoppinggreen · 05/08/2021 20:21

@suspiria777

This whole scenario is mental to me. You moved in with a boyfriend, and dragged your daughter to a new part of the country in the process, where she has no friends (and has to spend the whole holidays by herself, presumably?)? How did you even meet and date, if you didn't live anywhere near each other? How long have you been together? How does your daughter get on with your boyfriend? Could her recent violence (VERY unusual behaviour in young child, especially a girl with no previous behavioural problems) be something to do with the massive upheaval she's faced recently?
Some very good questions here that I suspect won’t go down well
LolaSmiles · 05/08/2021 20:37

I was thinking the same as suspiria.
A 9 year old girls has had her life uprooted and now her whole world us pretty much based on her mum's new boyfriend's social group.

Your questions are good 👍

QueenBee52 · 05/08/2021 21:18

I wouldn't be Double Dating with this woman and her BF.

I would block her and her daughter.

If your Bf doesn't like this, then I'd be moving back home ASAP.

Just out of interest, is this kid going to be in your Daughters new school, so new friends are a write off as the established kid with stop friendships.

I feel nothing but sympathy for your poor daughter. Flowers

SmallChairs · 06/08/2021 03:19

The questions posed by @suspiria777 occurred to me, too.

Also, I have a 9 year old DS and I’m horrified at the idea that a play date fight involved both girls being marked — OP, were you not in earshot of this? Likewise I don’t think it’s safe or appropriate for children of that age to be able to message on any device.

When you say the last for play dates were ‘on me’, do you mean at your house?

GertietheGherkin · 06/08/2021 03:35

@suspiria777

This whole scenario is mental to me. You moved in with a boyfriend, and dragged your daughter to a new part of the country in the process, where she has no friends (and has to spend the whole holidays by herself, presumably?)? How did you even meet and date, if you didn't live anywhere near each other? How long have you been together? How does your daughter get on with your boyfriend? Could her recent violence (VERY unusual behaviour in young child, especially a girl with no previous behavioural problems) be something to do with the massive upheaval she's faced recently?
I was wondering the same thing!
onelittlefrog · 06/08/2021 04:17

Yep, it's very strange that two nine year girls should physically fight and leave marks

I find it really interesting how many people are saying this and I wonder if anyone would bat an eyelid if they were boys.

For all the feminism on mumsnet, some of these attitudes are a bit odd Hmm

Kids fight, girls AND boys, it happens and yes sometimes it gets physical especially when adults aren't around supervising.

I wouldn't try to "ban" the friendship or stop it as such - they may make up and get on fine again in a while. Just leave them to it and see what happens naturally between them. Obviously, make sure that they can't send horrible messages to each other whilst they are upset. In a few weeks they might be ready to make up, or they might not.

If you feel that the other girl is really bad news and you don't want to let your child hang around with her then that's fine - but consider it may not go down well with your bf's best friend!

Are you sure you're not just seeing the worst side of this child as they have fallen out?

SmallChairs · 06/08/2021 04:22

@onelittlefrog

Yep, it's very strange that two nine year girls should physically fight and leave marks

I find it really interesting how many people are saying this and I wonder if anyone would bat an eyelid if they were boys.

For all the feminism on mumsnet, some of these attitudes are a bit odd Hmm

Kids fight, girls AND boys, it happens and yes sometimes it gets physical especially when adults aren't around supervising.

I wouldn't try to "ban" the friendship or stop it as such - they may make up and get on fine again in a while. Just leave them to it and see what happens naturally between them. Obviously, make sure that they can't send horrible messages to each other whilst they are upset. In a few weeks they might be ready to make up, or they might not.

If you feel that the other girl is really bad news and you don't want to let your child hang around with her then that's fine - but consider it may not go down well with your bf's best friend!

Are you sure you're not just seeing the worst side of this child as they have fallen out?

I’m the mother of a nine year old boy and as I said upthread, I’d be absolutely horrified if he and a new friend had a physical fight and marked one another on a playdate. We moved countries in 2020, so he’s had to start off with all new friends, like the OP’s daughter, and it’s normal to supervise early interactions with new kids, at least staying within earshot.

It’s not a feminist issue. How odd that you think it is.

onelittlefrog · 06/08/2021 04:23

@suspiria777

This whole scenario is mental to me. You moved in with a boyfriend, and dragged your daughter to a new part of the country in the process, where she has no friends (and has to spend the whole holidays by herself, presumably?)? How did you even meet and date, if you didn't live anywhere near each other? How long have you been together? How does your daughter get on with your boyfriend? Could her recent violence (VERY unusual behaviour in young child, especially a girl with no previous behavioural problems) be something to do with the massive upheaval she's faced recently?
You are making out as if OP has done something awful to her daughter here simply by moving in with her partner. People move, and yes that includes people with kids. OP doesn't need to share her whole life story to justify this!
onelittlefrog · 06/08/2021 04:34

@SmallChairs Sure, it's just a thought. Just reading through some of the posts on here:

"I'm astounded that the girls were physically fighting. I've been a teacher for 18 years and have never heard of nine year old girls physically fighting on a play date."

"Yep, it's very strange that two nine year girls should physically fight and leave marks."

"I am horrified that 9 year old girls physically fought though!"

"I also think it incredibly unusual for 2x 9 yr old girls on a playdate to be physically fighting."

I've seen threads about boys fighting - one the other day about two boys around this age - and people generally didn't seem to have such strong opinions about it being unusual or outrageous.

There were of course lots of suggestions on how to deal with it and discourage them from the behaviour etc. - no one condoned it, obviously - but nobody seemed as shocked about boys physically fighting.

I mean who knows, you can't see into people's heads when they're posting, but it's just interesting to me how many comments there are here within a one-page thread shocked that girls are fighting.

It's not a nice thing to see with any kids, obviously, but it does happen! I'm surprised at the teacher who has never encountered a fight between two girls.

But this is diverting from the OP's post so I'm going to leave it there.

arcof · 06/08/2021 04:59

I got this far before the red flag alert started to sound:

Bf & i recently moved in, i came to his area so naturally i don't have any friends here nor does my DD (9)

How long have you known this man and why did you move for him? Are you sure this was the right decision?

Second question is what context did your daughter give around the fight? Did she explain what happened/what caused it? What kind of marks did they have on them? Has your daughter ever physically scrapped with another girl before?!

missperegrinespeculiar · 06/08/2021 05:04

yeah, sorry, mother of boys here, I would be horrified, mine have never, ever had a physical fight with anybody

OP, also wanted to say I don't think your expectations that she should make an effort with you since you are new are weird, I would certainly have done that in her shoes