Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Big age gap, should I have a 4th child?

91 replies

Julie010177 · 05/08/2021 14:23

Hi everyone, I have 2 older sons at 23 and near 21, then I tried for a 3rd one but kept having early miscarriages, I finally had a third son at 41 but he was born exactly 20 years after my first, now I keep thinking because of the huge years gap my third son might feel a bit like a lone child, especially that they are step brothers and one has already moved out and the other is going to uni accommodation, so I started thinking it might be nice for him to have a brother or sister close to his age, but it's so much work when they're young and also the money, I'm unsure plus I could have miscarriages again as I'm 44 now, I really could do with some friendly advice. Thank you

OP posts:
Rumplestrumpet · 05/08/2021 14:29

Dear lord don't do it. Your third child has the best of both worlds - all the attention and love of an only child, while also having older siblings to moan about you with 😆 Why on earth would you have another child now? Enjoy your family as it is

Original poster
Julie010177 · 05/08/2021 14:30

Thank you for your good advice 😊

OP posts:
HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 05/08/2021 14:37

What's wrong with being like an only child (or feeling like one)?

faithfulbird20 · 05/08/2021 14:40

It's upto you. My sister is 10 years younger than me. My mum tried having another sibling but it didn't happen. If you're lucky for it to happen go for it. I'd go for it because the age gap between them is so big. Might be good to have someone to play with etc their own age. If it doesn't happen that's okay too 👍

Original poster
Julie010177 · 05/08/2021 14:42

It's a little bit boring to be an only child, but he's actually not one.

OP posts:
Original poster
Julie010177 · 05/08/2021 14:43

Thank you for your good advice 😊

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 05/08/2021 14:48

He may not be an only child but he is a different generation. Your older sons will have their own lives to live and playing with a pre schooler may not figure large. I'm sure they'll love him as a brother but really they're not his playmates.

Fundays12 · 05/08/2021 14:55

If I am reading this right your younger son is 3 and would be most likely 4 at the youngest when you had another child. I have a 4.5 year age gap between ds1 and ds2. They have absolutely nothing in common and the gap is rubbish. It's to small for ds1 to be patient with ds2 but to big for them to enjoy the same things. Being honest I would leave it as it is. Your older boys will probably adore there younger sibling and as long as you ensure he gets to socialize a lot it won't make much difference.

faithfulbird20 · 05/08/2021 14:58

My kids have a 3.9 month age gap one is 5 months and the other 4 and although very young they play together and are happy. Both wake up and they burst into laughter seeing each other. Me and my sister have a 3.5 month gap and we're very close and have loads in common.

Oneborneverydecade · 05/08/2021 14:59

They're half brothers not step brothers surely

You've done the hard part going back to raising a baby and now toddler to my mind, doing it again won't be so much of a shock

TakeMe2Insanity · 05/08/2021 15:27

If you can do it go for it!

Original poster
Julie010177 · 05/08/2021 15:32

Ohh yes they're half brother sorry, the older ones are geeks so they could play board games, video games, table tennis etc together, but as the little one is only 3 and a half they'd have to wait a few years

OP posts:
Original poster
Julie010177 · 05/08/2021 15:34

Thank you for everyone's advice 😊

OP posts:
HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 05/08/2021 15:52

@Julie010177

It's a little bit boring to be an only child, but he's actually not one.
Only if you have no friends, relatives, toys, or games.

My brother made my childhood a misery.

Merryoldgoat · 05/08/2021 15:59

I really hate the contortions about justifying having another child.

If you want one, have one. If you don't, don't.

The whole nonsense about playmates for siblings is just sophistry. Plenty of siblings close in age have dreadful relationships, plenty with large gaps have wonderful ones.

The only reason to have a child is because you want one.

Jerseygirl12 · 05/08/2021 16:06

I don’t think I would but then I love having 3 DS, I also have a big age gap.
Mine are all grown up now.

Original poster
Julie010177 · 05/08/2021 19:53

I think it would be better when they're older yes, but otherwise being pregnant is painful and giving birth is agony, so not so much

OP posts:
AngryWhompingWillow · 05/08/2021 19:56

@Julie010177 I would never have a 4th, just so your youngest can have a sibling close in age. They may not even get on! And I wouldn't be having one at 44 sorry. 41 is borderline, but 44? No.

Lancrelady80 · 05/08/2021 20:08

I'm the youngest in my family, 17 years between me and the next sibling.

We have basically no relationship, not even that of an extended family member. I was pretty much an only child - but many are, and you make friends and also learn to entertain yourself, so that's not dreadful. I feel better considering myself as being effectively an only child rather than an unwanted sibling.

If you've got away with that with your third child, and there is a relationship there other than jealousy, resentment and a feeling of being "not enough" and therefore supplanted (this is the reality I face from my older siblings) then you have been extremely lucky and I would not risk rocking that boat.

I would also say that you could inadvertently set up a "them and us" situation between the sets of half- siblings.

That's all without the effects of age on your body and potentially the health of both you and your baby.

Original poster
Julie010177 · 06/08/2021 14:27

I definitely would want the 3 or 4 to all get along, but who knows. But I just don't want to have any regret if i don't have anymore kids and my son tells me later he wished he had a brother or sister, because that would be too late!

OP posts:
Disneycharacter · 06/08/2021 14:55

Being an older mum is tiring enough as it is. Best of both worlds as you can concentrate your energy on one and not feel exhausted with two little ones.

VickyEadieofThigh · 06/08/2021 16:02

I have a brother 3 years older and one 9 years younger. I have never got on with the older one but always have been close to the younger one.

Beware making assumptions on behalf of your youngest child - whilst they might tell you they wished they'd had a sibling closer to their age as they grew up, they cannot say whether or not they'd have got on especially well with this imaginary sibling.

I know I don't need to mention the risks of having a child at your age and the challenges that can bring for the whole family.

Original poster
Julie010177 · 06/08/2021 16:37

Yes, I'm quite fit for my age but it's still harder than when I was 21 with my first that's for sure.

OP posts:
ChiefAdjusterOfRubensShorts · 06/08/2021 16:50

I’m the eldest of four siblings and there is a large (15 year) gap between the other three and I, and I went from being an only child to having three siblings within three years.

The gap is huge and I left home at 19 so never really developed a proper relationship with them. The relationship we have now is out of duty rather than anything else.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/08/2021 16:52

@Julie010177

It's a little bit boring to be an only child, but he's actually not one.
How do you know? I am one and I was never bored.
Swipe left for the next trending thread