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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Big age gap, should I have a 4th child?

91 replies

Julie010177 · 05/08/2021 14:23

Hi everyone, I have 2 older sons at 23 and near 21, then I tried for a 3rd one but kept having early miscarriages, I finally had a third son at 41 but he was born exactly 20 years after my first, now I keep thinking because of the huge years gap my third son might feel a bit like a lone child, especially that they are step brothers and one has already moved out and the other is going to uni accommodation, so I started thinking it might be nice for him to have a brother or sister close to his age, but it's so much work when they're young and also the money, I'm unsure plus I could have miscarriages again as I'm 44 now, I really could do with some friendly advice. Thank you

OP posts:

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 06/08/2021 17:03

The gap is huge and I left home at 19 so never really developed a proper relationship with them. The relationship we have now is out of duty rather than anything else.

There's a two-year gap between me and my brother and we have exactly the same (non) relationship.

Jerseygirl12 · 06/08/2021 17:05

I have a big age gap and we have lots of age gaps in my family and all my aunts snd uncles are close even with the big gaps as are my DC.

Ragwort · 06/08/2021 17:10

Why is it 'boring' to be an only child? There are lots of advantages to being an only DC, you would be crazy to have another child just to avoid your DS being 'bored'. All DC are different, whether they have siblings or not; my DS is an 'only' he has a huge circle of friends, loads of hobbies and interests ... he's a Uni student now but home for the summer working full time every day in a holiday job and a different sport every night with different groups of friends, and just as busy at weekends.

Original poster

Julie010177 · 06/08/2021 17:16

Sorry that's a shame, me i rarely speak to my brother because he lives in France, but i do visit every couple of years and when my mum will pass away I know I won't be the last one and alone, it's nice to keep some communication

OP posts:

Chunkymenrock · 06/08/2021 17:22

Goodness me, absolutely not. No one needs 4 children and everything sounds very settled as it is.

Birkie248 · 06/08/2021 17:41

I’m 44 and the prospect of having a baby / being pregnant horrifies me. Even if you do get pregnant it carries a higher risk. There’s no guarantee that they’ll get on with their sibling either - they might be like chalk & cheese.

Hobnobsandbroomstick · 06/08/2021 17:48

All the only children I know had a happy childhood.

I know lots of people who have difficult or none existstant relationship with their siblings. Myself included!

Plus personally I would be worried about pushing my luck after 3 children; what if you do have a fourth and they have additional needs?

NoMoreCovidPlease · 06/08/2021 17:53

4 year age gap is not great anyway, they will be worlds apart in terms of development growing up.

topwings · 06/08/2021 17:56

I wouldn't. I think your third has the best of both worlds at the minute.

44/45 is an age where you should probably consider the possibility of birth defects/disability and how you would deal with them.

Sssloou · 06/08/2021 17:59

What does your DP want?

Urghhhhh · 06/08/2021 18:04

At 44 do you really want to roll the dice again? What if your 4th turns out to have special needs? What if you suffer birth injuries that affect your quality of life and capacity to care for your little one? Another healthy pregnancy and baby are never guaranteed, especially at 44. It wouldn't be worth it for me.

TheVanguardSix · 06/08/2021 18:04

I'm so sorry to sound unkind OP, but in your shoes, I wouldn't. Your youngest is 3, I assume. It's going to be ok being an 'only'. He won't be an only of course, but I really wouldn't sweat it. Your little one will be absolutely happy and loved and complete. And so will you! 3 Get a dog! That's what I did at 44! It really closed the circle. It was the best thing ever. Get a labrador!

BoomChicka · 06/08/2021 18:07

My mum did almost exactly this. Me and my brother didn't say a civil word to eachother until we were late 20's, he made my life hell and we fought like cat and dog. We see eachother about twice a year now and tolerate eachother, whereas I'm very close to my older siblings despite the age gap (late 20's and late 40's) we see eachother weekly, go on holiday together etc. I actually moved out of my parents and in with my older sibling to escape my brother.

Probably an extreme example, but it happens.

roofblend · 06/08/2021 18:29

I'm in a similar situation, I have a 19 year age gap between DS and DD. DD is 3 and I got pg a few months ago but had to TFMR due to a genetic disorder (risk was higher due to age). I'm sad that DD doesn't have a sibling closer in age, and we're still ttc but also accepted that it may never happen, and not keen enough to consider fertility treatment (which wouldn't have a high chance of success at my age anyway). I've just turned 42 which is a bit younger than you but it's older than ideal (in my thirties I would have said it's too old...).

So in your situation I'd say just go ahead and try, but accept that yes there may be miscarriages, and possible genetic issues (not all of which can be screened for), as well as health issues for yourself (I've had a couple of friends who had to stay in hospital for several weeks post-birth, which would be quite distressing for DD). And of course it might just not happen at all - nature will decide in the end.

Financially of course 4 dc is a lot to provide for - your older dcs will still need support with uni costs, don't know what your housing situation is like but it's becoming more common for dc to come back to live with parents in their 20s to be able to save for a deposit etc.

HelpIcantfindaname · 06/08/2021 18:32

I had my youngest child at 40. Her siblings (to my 1st husband) were then aged 24, 22 & 20. Only the 20yr old still lived at home. (He has come & gone a few times in the 12 years since.)
My situation was different to yours as I have grandchildren similar ages to my 12 year old. When they were younger they were very close, & almost like siblings to her. Now they are all older & are at different schools & have different interests she doesnt see them much. I really felt for her during covid lockdowns as it was just me & her. But she has always said she likes it this way.
I had miscarriages before her too - those, & finances were a big part of the reason I didn't have another.
By the time she was 3, I don't think I would have wanted to start again with nappies & sleepless nights.
Just make sure your youngest has lots of playdates.

Jangle33 · 06/08/2021 19:17

I think 44 is far too old especially when you’ve lucky enough to have 3 kids. I would not risk it and I think there is no need whatsoever.

santabetterwashhishands · 06/08/2021 19:23

I've got a 26 year old
17 year old
7 year old( I was also 41 when that one was born)
I'd rather pickle my eyeballs than have another 😂

loosingmymarbles · 06/08/2021 19:34

I loved having older siblings

My brothers are 10 & 13 years older then me. I loved it because when I was 10 my oldest brother was 23 and spoilt me rotten because he had a brilliant job so used have lots of money spoil me with, literally got the world of him (spoilt bitch I know!!)

we're as my other brother was 20 and was girls obsessed so I used always get great days out when he tried to show of to these girls hahaha (I used to cry to tag along 9x10!)

Also mum and dad eventually got a free baby sitter ! 👌🏼

Redtartanshoes · 06/08/2021 19:42

3 year old could be 5 by time baby is born, and 7 by the time baby is 2/3. They won’t play together. Honestly. 5 years is an irritating gap.

Leave as is and enjoy your life. Get a puppy

Flawedperfection · 06/08/2021 21:27

What about the planet? And the state of the world when they grow up? I don’t mean to be rude, but ffs, who wants 4 kids? (admittedly I don’t want any so that’s 4 more thank I want anyway!!)
Sorry to sound rude, but our world is overpopulated as it is.

Rhinothunder · 06/08/2021 21:29

I'd have another baby

Siameasy · 07/08/2021 10:35

I’m 45 with a six year old - I cannot imagine the exhaustion of being 45 with a newborn and a three year old. And I consider myself reasonably fit and healthy.
Four kids is too many - two is enough.

Mrstamborineman · 07/08/2021 10:42

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. I mean of course you are not too old.
There is no guarantee they will get on with that age (or any infact) age gap. It is the wrong decision if you are hoping for a play mate.

ViceLikeBlip · 07/08/2021 10:50

@Julie010177

I think it would be better when they're older yes, but otherwise being pregnant is painful and giving birth is agony, so not so much

These don't sound like the words of someone who wants another child! Defo don't do it just in case your 3yo decides later in life that he wishes he'd had a closer in age sibling. You could just as easily find yourself in a situation where your 3rd child resents growing up with an exhausted mother.

ViceLikeBlip · 07/08/2021 10:53

@Flawedperfection

What about the planet? And the state of the world when they grow up? I don’t mean to be rude, but ffs, who wants 4 kids? (admittedly I don’t want any so that’s 4 more thank I want anyway!!) Sorry to sound rude, but our world is overpopulated as it is.

#knowyouraudience 🤣🤣🤣

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