Big age gap, should I have a 4th child?

[Julie010177]

Hi everyone, I have 2 older sons at 23 and near 21, then I tried for a 3rd one but kept having early miscarriages, I finally had a third son at 41 but he was born exactly 20 years after my first, now I keep thinking because of the huge years gap my third son might feel a bit like a lone child, especially that they are step brothers and one has already moved out and the other is going to uni accommodation, so I started thinking it might be nice for him to have a brother or sister close to his age, but it's so much work when they're young and also the money, I'm unsure plus I could have miscarriages again as I'm 44 now, I really could do with some friendly advice. Thank you

You don't actually sound that keen OP. More that you feel it's your duty to your 3rd child to give them a sibling.

I have 2 close in age and now they're teens I can see that the eldest would have thrived as an only child, he just has that sort of personality. I'm sure he loves his sibling on some level but mostly has just been irritated by them since they were old enough to start snatching toys. Their bickering is hell to live with and has been more than I can cope with at various points over the years.

There's a good chance your DC3 won't get the best friend and companion you're hoping for.

I know many people who enjoyed being an only child, or who benefited from it in other significant ways like parental availability and financial help. I know many people with siblings who made their childhoods (and sometimes their adulthoods) miserable. I know several people who decided they had to have another child to give their first child a sibling, and then that sibling ended up having severe health issues that will be a lifelong burden to the oldest child, long after the parents are gone. That's a particular risk at your age, OP. If you really want a second child for the right reasons, then by all means, have one. But don't have one just because you think your three-year-old "feeling like" an only child is the worst thing ever. That's not the worst possible outcome here - not by a long shot.

Wow, lots of people there deciding that "no one needs a fourth child". And you get to decide that for other people because...?

The environmental thing I don't find particularly convincing. The fertility rate in the UK is 1.5 so if you're concerned about overpopulation maybe you should worry about countries where the population renewal threshold is actually met.

That said, OP, it really doesn't sound like you're actually keen, more like you feel you "have to" for the sake of your youngest. If that's the case then I wouldn't, especially at your age with energy levels decreasing. Your youngest is just getting to an age when you can do a whole bunch of fun stuff with them.

But only you can know what you truly want to do.

I hope people on here making simplistic remarks about the environment are regularly donating to charities which promote girls' education around the world, as this is what is really reducing birth rates and can lead to population decline.

I’m 45 and work with young children - over the last year I’ve found my patience has decreased and I find it
more tiring than even a year or two back. I’m putting it down to my age and approaching menopause. I most certainly couldn’t contemplate having another of my own now. I guess what I’m saying is it might be far harder work far sooner than you expect if you decide to have another. The age gap isnt my favourite either. Four or more years isn’t ideal for siblings playing together through childhood. You’ll be mid sixties by the time they are independent.

I have a 20 yr age gap between child 3 and 4.[ half brothers ] I was 42 when youngest was born. I didn't consider having another child just to keep him company.

My youngest is now 20, and his siblings are in their 40's. He gets on well with all of them, and is especially close to sibling 3. They were all really great with him when he was young [ and still are ] and played a lot with him

I loved having a child later in life, and we are very close. But it was enough for my at the age I was to just have the one.

My dc have a 3 and a bit year age gap and they hate each other. I think the eldest especially would rather be an only child. I'd think carefully if I were you. The impacts of a sibling won't all be positive either (less money, tired mum, less attention)

No don't do it. No one needs that's many kids, take responsibility for what's going on in the world and don't add to the problems by having lots of kids.

But I just don't want to have any regret if i don't have anymore kids and my son tells me later he wished he had a brother or sister, because that would be too late!

People wish for stuff they don't have all the time, often not realising the reality is different to the dream. It's definitely not a reason to have a child

@Heliachi

The world is on fire largely due to human overpopulation.

This.

And you already have 3 children and you’re 44. It’s unconscionable.

@QueenBee52

Have your very much wanted 4th Baby OP... 🎉

Nowhere has OP said she very much wants a 4th child. The only reason she has given is that she'll feel bad if dc3 decides later he'd have liked a sibling and that she's worried dc3 will be lonely

@Julie010177

I definitely would want the 3 or 4 to all get along, but who knows. But I just don't want to have any regret if i don't have anymore kids and my son tells me later he wished he had a brother or sister, because that would be too late!

OP there's massive benefits for 'only' children, better academic outcomes, better relationship with parents. And massive benefits for ones with siblings (if they get along they always have a playmate). If you want another make sure it's not just to give your current child a playmate!

But I just don't want to have any regret if i don't have anymore kids and my son tells me later he wished he had a brother or sister, because that would be too late!

Didn't see this before, but I want to address it now. I was an only child who said that exact thing a lot, and I suppose I meant it at the time. But I was a child with a child's understanding of the issue. I couldn't think beyond "live-in playmate," and I assumed this live-in playmate would never bother me, make any noise, or demand parental attention at inconvenient times, because that's just how children think. Now, as an adult, it's obvious to me that I was very, very wrong about that, and I'm glad my parents didn't listen to me. If they'd had another child, I'd have been miserable, and my mother would have been, too.

OP, you have other children, so you already know this, but it bears repeating: just because a young child thinks they want something doesn't mean that something is best for them, or even good for them to have. There's a reason children don't get to make these kinds of decisions for themselves.

My youngest 2 have 20 years between them. They are actually surprisingly close. However yes the youngest has many times said 'I am effectively an only child' That could be because she is 12 going on 27 of course!!!
She has a life of adults due in part to having 4 much older siblings (2 step from her dad). She is mature, outgoing, compassionate, intelligent and worldly. She has opinions and voices them. Being her own version of 'an only child' has brought nothing but benefits.