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Original poster

Big age gap, should I have a 4th child?

91 replies

Julie010177 · 05/08/2021 14:23

Hi everyone, I have 2 older sons at 23 and near 21, then I tried for a 3rd one but kept having early miscarriages, I finally had a third son at 41 but he was born exactly 20 years after my first, now I keep thinking because of the huge years gap my third son might feel a bit like a lone child, especially that they are step brothers and one has already moved out and the other is going to uni accommodation, so I started thinking it might be nice for him to have a brother or sister close to his age, but it's so much work when they're young and also the money, I'm unsure plus I could have miscarriages again as I'm 44 now, I really could do with some friendly advice. Thank you

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 07/08/2021 10:55

Well to my mind given the envirinmental crisis, nobody should be having more than 2 children anyway so to consider having a fourth for such thin reasons is actually beyond me. And at 44 no less!

theleafandnotthetree · 07/08/2021 10:57

@Sssloou

What does your DP want?
Yes, no mention of him at all...
GettingUntrapped · 07/08/2021 10:57

I'd say don't do it. I had one at 40 and one at 45. Two is more than twice the work and can ruin the whole experience. Children are demanding and relentless, regardless of how old you are

GiantHaystacks2021 · 07/08/2021 11:00

Don't do it.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/08/2021 11:08

For goodness sake no. people who keep obsessively having babies normally have something important missing from their lives. Can you not get an absorbing hobby or something?
It would just disrupt everybodys life having a tiny baby at this stage.
My son was a single child and has never regretted it, because I only have one child I could help him buy his first home and send him on all the trips he wanted to go on. He has never been short of friends.
I have two siblings 15 years younger than me and I never see them because they emigrated many years ago so I may as well be a single child.
What is you had a child that was severely autistic or needed lifelong care? What then?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/08/2021 11:09

And yes the environmental impact would be huge, that cannot be dismissed.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 08/08/2021 01:21

#knowyouraudience

You'd think parents would be the "audience" most concerned about the future of our planet. Apparently not?

DramaAlpaca · 08/08/2021 01:29

Personally, I wouldn't have chanced it at 44, too much possibility of heartbreak. At that age I was going into perimenopause and doubt very much if I'd have been able to have another baby that late. I had my last child at 33.

However, I have three friends who had first babies at 43/44, and two of them went on to have a second. All naturally without assistance.

OP, only you know what's best for you.

QueenBee52 · 08/08/2021 01:39

If you want another child... have another child..

it's your choice 🌸

FrankButchersDickieBow · 08/08/2021 02:43

@Julie010177

It's a little bit boring to be an only child, but he's actually not one.
Not for my daughter it isn't.

We are always going here, there and everywhere. Weekends away, theatre, lots of quality time. Shopping, lunches. Sleepovers with friends

Couldn't do it with 2.

Themeparklover · 08/08/2021 02:49

I have cousins that are a few years older than me at my early 20's and their younger sisters are 11 and 13 it's fine yes give them a sibling if you want to plenty of people do at your age and it's wonderful x

Plumtree391 · 08/08/2021 06:32

@Rumplestrumpet

Dear lord don't do it. Your third child has the best of both worlds - all the attention and love of an only child, while also having older siblings to moan about you with 😆 Why on earth would you have another child now? Enjoy your family as it is
Quite.
Michellebops · 08/08/2021 07:15

Go for it!
If it happens then great, if not then it's not meant to be.

I'm 44 and still trying but not as seriously anymore due to a couple of mc as I don't want my daughter to be alone ❤️

theleafandnotthetree · 08/08/2021 13:13

@Themeparklover

I have cousins that are a few years older than me at my early 20's and their younger sisters are 11 and 13 it's fine yes give them a sibling if you want to plenty of people do at your age and it's wonderful x
With all due respect, it's not always wonderful and you definitely have no way of knowing it will be so for this family.
KittenKong · 08/08/2021 13:16

I was the ‘pet’ of such a child. Told from early on that I was born so that the golden child wasn’t like an ‘only child’ (much older siblings). Gee thanks!

Funnily enough I was always fondest of my eldest sibling.

EverybodyIsInteresting · 08/08/2021 13:20

Be careful what you wish for.

A friend of mine did exactly this. Two children then a big age gap, then decided she needed a child closer in age to the third child. Reader, she had twins....

theleafandnotthetree · 08/08/2021 13:23

@HeyDemonsItsYaGirl

#knowyouraudience

You'd think parents would be the "audience" most concerned about the future of our planet. Apparently not?

In my experience, they are the people most in denial, especially the 'every child is a gift/you'll only regret the children you don't have/every child that's born might be the one that 'saves' us brigade .
KittenKong · 08/08/2021 13:46

Haha - the flip side is that this is the child that one day destroys us all!

SunscreenCentral · 08/08/2021 14:21

This. There's only 2.5 years between me and my brother (I'm the elder) and he was an absolute nightmare and ruined my childhood. I left home at 18 to get away from him. There's almost 10 years between me and my sister and tbh we couldn't be closer. I adore her, she's my best pal and greatest supporter in life.
Not sure how helpful this is to you OP but I think I'd only have a baby if I wanted one for itself and not for any imagined potential relationship between siblings.

Blueskyemily · 08/08/2021 14:33

I wouldn't let other people's experience of age gaps influence you too much to be honest. My dad has an 11 year age gap with his brother and they get on great. A friend has an 18 month age gap with her sister and they hate each other so much they don't talk. There's no way of knowing how it will go and there's no perfect formula.

Also my husband and my best friend were both only children and LOVED it so I don't think it's necessarily a bad experience for children.

Personally I wouldn't want another baby at 44, but if you want to have another child and don't mind that then go for it. But I wouldn't do it purely because of the age gap/"only child" thing.

burritofan · 08/08/2021 14:41

As others have pointed out, the environmental impact is huge. And the climate change tipping point is here – life is going to be very different for this hypothetical baby than for us.

Plus: can you afford it? How’s your pension? How are your older two set for housing? What’s the plan for the current youngest in terms of university costs, and whatever housing costs once they’re grown-up (if half the country isn’t under water by then)? What if you have birth injuries this time or a high or special needs child, what will the effect be on your prior children? Count your blessings and stop.

QueenBee52 · 09/08/2021 01:51

Have your very much wanted 4th Baby OP... 🎉

Chunkymenrock · 11/08/2021 02:00

@QueenBee52

Have your very much wanted 4th Baby OP... 🎉

'Very much wanted' wasn't what primarily came across as the reason. It was about her son having a sibling.
Birdkin · 11/08/2021 02:48

I would agree 5 years can be a very awkward age gap! Me and my brother get on now but didn’t for most of our childhood due to always being at very different life stages. My parents always particularly lament that just as as I stopped being a vile teenager it was my brother’s turn 😁

Heliachi · 11/08/2021 03:17

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