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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to calm down and think.

126 replies

polkadotworld · 05/08/2021 10:21

I've NC as don't want this associating with my other username.

I went for a coffee yesterday and bumped into DH best friend. I was sat on my own at first and there was nowhere else to sit so said he could sit with me.

We got talking and he said he's been wanting to get me on my own for a while. He mentioned an incident a few years ago where he told me he loves me and I should leave DH (xmas party at our house he was drunk at the time and I just laughed it off as he's never mentioned it since and neither have I...I assumed it was drunk talking and he couldn't remember) I didn't say anything to DH as didn't feel it was worth mentioning. DH and I are happily married and DH friend was bestman at our wedding and another friend who is part of the same group said not worth saying anything as he doesn't mean it he was so drunk etc.

We went out as a group a lot (before Covid) DH friend is now single and has been since lockdown. It became awkward as he said he remembers that night well and meant every word. I was bit embarrassed and just said well nothing is going to happen so get that out of your head and stop being silly! He then started going on about how DH takes advantage of me and how unhappy we look and he wouldn't let things just be...he would make me so happy and loved. I honestly was speechless for the first time in my life.

DH friend is very generous and earns a lot more than us...I would love to earn more so we could do more but it's not going to happen and just think we're lucky to still have jobs etc and we're ok financially, will be able to go on a nicer holiday next year due to saving over the pandemic, we've done bits on the house...so all good.

I am annoyed as I don't think DH takes advantage at all and racking my brains as to what the hell he meant. My friend has said she's thought something for a while mainly since the party he likes me due to the way he looks at me etc and there is a photo from our wedding that her friend thought he was the groom. She said she noticed a few weeks ago when we had people over for the first time and he couldn't stop staring etc.

I don't know if it's because we were there for him when he broke up with his partner and he's just blurred the kindness.

I've told DH about the xmas party and the cafe and he says he wants to punch his lights out...what on earth do I do now? I love the friendship group and we've been through a lot together as a group but this is just so awkward and I know it's going to get messy with the DHs Confused my DH was on the phone to his other best man going barmy. Other friend has said he knew about it but didn't want to get involved.

AIBU to ask him just calm it down. I get he's hopping mad and I would be too but breaking a group of friends up over something I have no intention of pursuing isn't worth it. I've said that he is not to be invited to anything that we are doing but we can't control what others do.

OP posts:
thanksforyourcommentrandomman · 05/08/2021 10:23

Best mates don't do that, your DH was right to go apeshit

Merryoldgoat · 05/08/2021 10:25

Well. I wouldn’t encourage violence but I can understand him being angry. Can’t you?

His best friend has told you to leave your husband and run off with him.

Aren’t you angry? How on earth do you think you could manage to all be friends after this?

FreeBritnee · 05/08/2021 10:27

Well that guy is heading out your friendship group now.

OhRene · 05/08/2021 10:27

Good on your DH. YABU.

You think he shouldn't be absolutely furious with a so called best friend making moves on his wife, telling her that he (DH) is taking advantage of her and she should leave him and start a relationship with the best friend??? And he's done this more than once???

OneTC · 05/08/2021 10:27

DH reaction entirely understandable and the friendship was doomed the moment you mentioned it

I would feel like you do though but I'd reckon we'd be the minority view

IonaLeg · 05/08/2021 10:29

I totally get where your husband is coming from. My husband has many female friends and I’m happy for him to socialise with them (whether I’m present or not), but if my best friend declared her love for him and said he should leave me for her (and slagged me off in the process) I would not be ok with him saying ‘there’s no problem here because I’m never going to pursue it, so let’s all just carry on as normal’.

You have to accept that whatever you do, that nice easy friendship group doesn’t exist any more. Your DH’s friend has torn it apart by propositioning you and by saying shitty things about your husband. You can’t expect your husband to carry on as normal after that. It’s a huge betrayal by his friend and the end of the line, regardless of anything you do.

It doesn’t mean you have to lose your other friends. You can still socialise with them without involving the former friend. Some things will change, but you’re all adults - you can drop contact with the shitty friend and keep it up with the others.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 05/08/2021 10:31

Your DH's best friend is no friend at all.
He tried to split you two up, no wonder your DH is hurt & angry.
If my best friend tried to take my DH away that would be it.

Saidtoomuch · 05/08/2021 10:31

A drunken admission of a crush / infatuation is one thing but this He then started going on about how DH takes advantage of me and how unhappy we look and he wouldn't let things just be. is horrendous. I'm not surprised your husband was angry, his so called best friend is trying to manipulate is wife into an affair! Imagine having to keep calm about your head bridesmaid doing the same thing to your dh, then being asked not to rock the friendship boat.

RaginaPhalange · 05/08/2021 10:32

DH reaction is understandable.

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Would you just laugh it off?

Pootles34 · 05/08/2021 10:32

I agree with previous posters - and I think it's important that you prioritise your husband over the friendship group here. It's not him that's torn the friendship apart, it's this friend.

Original poster
polkadotworld · 05/08/2021 10:33

@Merryoldgoat I absolutely agree with my husbands reaction and I would br livid too.

I think it's because I've never seen him like this usually he's so laid back he's almost horizontal!

I think i'm just worried he might actually hit him and I do not want my DH being in trouble with the law.

OP posts:
plodalong12 · 05/08/2021 10:33

It sounds like a very tiring friendship group. Like something out of school.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 05/08/2021 10:37

Your DH has every right to be hopping bad. Twist it around for a minute and You found out your best friend had told him to leave you and that you take advantage of him.
I think be justifiably hopping mad, too.

ExpressDelivery · 05/08/2021 10:38

I think your DH's reaction is absolutely right. Obviously it wouldn't be if he did punch him, but wanting to is reasonable .

The "friend" is nothing of the sort. Maybe he can't help his feelings, maybe a drunken declaration can be excused, but setting all that out over coffee is outrageous.

It's sad for the friendship group, but you can't be part of a group that includes him anymore.

How would you expect the rest of the group to react?

In your DH's position, if be really hurt that you wanted to sweep it under the carpet - you're taking friend's side over him.

thanksforyourcommentrandomman · 05/08/2021 10:41

@plodalong12

It sounds like a very tiring friendship group. Like something out of school.
No it doesn't, it sounds like just one person is a dick and that's the best mate. I can't say I blame the others for not getting involved, nothing had happened at that point, he was drunk when he said the other stuff.
WillowGrand · 05/08/2021 10:41

We had a similar friendship group and my BF decided he was the man for her, eventually something did end up happening (I have no proof), we split up the day I found out and she’s been dead to me since.

Your DH is absolutely right

Sarahlou63 · 05/08/2021 10:42

I'm curious as to why you mentioned the friend's wealth relative to your own finances? It almost reads as though you were thinking (albeit subconsciously) about how life would be in a world where money wasn't as issue.

5475878237NC · 05/08/2021 10:43

Your update makes more sense. Your first post suggests your priority is the friendship group not husband's feelings.

Original poster
polkadotworld · 05/08/2021 10:45

Thanks for the replies I am really angry but trying to remain calm so it doesn't get DH even more angry and do something stupid if that makes sense.

We've blocked his number.

We are supposed to be at are other friends wedding all of us sat on the same table but obviously that's not going to happen.

I suppose we've been quite lucky with friendship stuff and never had Drama like this. Ive reassured DH that I do not in anyway believe he takes advantage or that we just make do I love our life and wouldn't give it up for the world. I'm going to let him get out his system in the house not letting him go anywhere with the mood he's in.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 05/08/2021 10:46

You did the right thing telling him. It sounds as if it was going to come out anyway if other people have noticed and he would have feel very hurt if he then found out you knew and didn't tell him..

Leave it to your husband. It's something they need to fall out over on their own. Don't get involved.

SunShinesBrightly · 05/08/2021 10:49

Your DH has every right to be mad at his ‘friend’.
Discourage violence obviously but your DH should definitely confront him.

I wouldn’t be surprised if your ‘chance meeting’ at the coffee shop was far from it.
You don’t just bump into someone and say what he said to you. Has he been following you?

Watchingyou2sleezes · 05/08/2021 10:50

[quote polkadotworld]@Merryoldgoat I absolutely agree with my husbands reaction and I would br livid too.

I think it's because I've never seen him like this usually he's so laid back he's almost horizontal!

I think i'm just worried he might actually hit him and I do not want my DH being in trouble with the law.[/quote]
It would kick off, they can't be at any event together, particularly if they're also on the drink.
You need to make it clear to everyone else in the group that the pair of you will not attend any event that the other party will also be at.

HyacynthBucket · 05/08/2021 10:52

This is one nasty little stirrer. Yes, your friendship group has been damaged but not by you or DH. I hope your DH can see that, especially the statement about him taking advantage, for the manipulative shit-sitrring it really is. It will be hard for him to come to terms with a "friend" who can do this, but it was the other person trying to manipulate you away from your DH, not to do with reality.

godmum56 · 05/08/2021 10:52

if a woman had said that to my late husband, i would have been after her with a knife!

VladmirsPoutine · 05/08/2021 10:54

I wouldn't have mentioned it but that said your husband's reaction is to be expected. All that said, is your husband the type to resort to violence? I mean of course he can be angry but would he really punch the guy?
The group as you know it will probably never be the same now that this is all out but then again it's for the best as it seems the best friend was intent on putting you in this very awkward position by twisting your ear in this manner.