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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to calm down and think.

126 replies

polkadotworld · 05/08/2021 10:21

I've NC as don't want this associating with my other username.

I went for a coffee yesterday and bumped into DH best friend. I was sat on my own at first and there was nowhere else to sit so said he could sit with me.

We got talking and he said he's been wanting to get me on my own for a while. He mentioned an incident a few years ago where he told me he loves me and I should leave DH (xmas party at our house he was drunk at the time and I just laughed it off as he's never mentioned it since and neither have I...I assumed it was drunk talking and he couldn't remember) I didn't say anything to DH as didn't feel it was worth mentioning. DH and I are happily married and DH friend was bestman at our wedding and another friend who is part of the same group said not worth saying anything as he doesn't mean it he was so drunk etc.

We went out as a group a lot (before Covid) DH friend is now single and has been since lockdown. It became awkward as he said he remembers that night well and meant every word. I was bit embarrassed and just said well nothing is going to happen so get that out of your head and stop being silly! He then started going on about how DH takes advantage of me and how unhappy we look and he wouldn't let things just be...he would make me so happy and loved. I honestly was speechless for the first time in my life.

DH friend is very generous and earns a lot more than us...I would love to earn more so we could do more but it's not going to happen and just think we're lucky to still have jobs etc and we're ok financially, will be able to go on a nicer holiday next year due to saving over the pandemic, we've done bits on the house...so all good.

I am annoyed as I don't think DH takes advantage at all and racking my brains as to what the hell he meant. My friend has said she's thought something for a while mainly since the party he likes me due to the way he looks at me etc and there is a photo from our wedding that her friend thought he was the groom. She said she noticed a few weeks ago when we had people over for the first time and he couldn't stop staring etc.

I don't know if it's because we were there for him when he broke up with his partner and he's just blurred the kindness.

I've told DH about the xmas party and the cafe and he says he wants to punch his lights out...what on earth do I do now? I love the friendship group and we've been through a lot together as a group but this is just so awkward and I know it's going to get messy with the DHs Confused my DH was on the phone to his other best man going barmy. Other friend has said he knew about it but didn't want to get involved.

AIBU to ask him just calm it down. I get he's hopping mad and I would be too but breaking a group of friends up over something I have no intention of pursuing isn't worth it. I've said that he is not to be invited to anything that we are doing but we can't control what others do.

OP posts:
Original poster
polkadotworld · 05/08/2021 11:35

*certainly not trying to make a mug out of DH that should say!!

@godmum56 that has really made me laugh.

OP posts:
AngryWhompingWillow · 05/08/2021 11:36

@Jerima

You and this wonderful friendship group have made a fucking mug of your DH you all knew this and kept him in the dark and your priority is not splitting up your friendship group. Grow up!

You've been out of order your friendship group (how childish anyway) have not been good friends and the minute this occured you should have kept your distance then.

Your poor DH, even when he looks at his wedding photos he has that cunt making stupid faces at you in them and as for what he said about your DH That should be enough for you to not want anything to do with him.

I think you're a bit flattered by the situation tbh and the fact that you want to stay friends with people who have treated your DH this way shows its YOU who needs to think not him

All of this.

@polkadotworld I feel sorry for your DH, and I agree with this poster (and several others) who have said you and your friends have made your DH look like a right tit!

I also think you are flattered by it, and a bit excited about it all, and are secretly imagining - very deep down - what life would be like with this much 'wealthier' man who desires you so. (Apparently.) Wink

All of this sounds like a plot of a crappy Channel 5 afternoon drama film.

FatCatThinCat · 05/08/2021 11:36

It's not much of a friendship group if one member is trying the break up the marriage of other members. Your DH is right to angry. If my best friend was making a play for my husband I'd be both livid and hurt. Your poor DH must feel utterly betrayed.

Potpourri23 · 05/08/2021 11:37

@OneTC

DH reaction entirely understandable and the friendship was doomed the moment you mentioned it

I would feel like you do though but I'd reckon we'd be the minority view

The friendship was doomed the moment this guy made a play for his mate's wife, slagging him off in the process! OP isn't responsible for the fallout, he is!
AngryWhompingWillow · 05/08/2021 11:37

@polkadotworld

I also agree with the people saying there was no need to tell your DH, and it sounds like you're enjoying the drama tbh.

Your poor DH Sad

I'd leave you if I were him to be honest.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 05/08/2021 11:39

‘I would have been after her with a knife’.
Really. Because you’re allowed to like whoever you want. Just because someone fancies your partner doesn’t put your relationship at risk. What a sad state of affairs.
Think about the ‘friend’ in Love Actually. Fancies the bride. Tells her he likes her. Then nothing happens.
If you’d go after someone because they fancies your other half you have problems. They’re just confirming you have good taste and have made good choices. Why the violent reaction?? I despair of this world. I really do.

Aprilx · 05/08/2021 11:41

I am wondering why his earning power comes into this story? I don’t see why it does, but note you mention it and then mention you wish you had more money.

Looking at your thread title again, you think the issue is that your Dah needs to calm down and think? I think you are loving it or have you been watching too much of a certain romcom from 2003.

user1471457751 · 05/08/2021 11:42

@AngryWhompingWillow really, you would leave your spouse if one of your friends came on to them? The OP hasn't done anything wrong.

VladmirsPoutine · 05/08/2021 11:43

This does read like one of those 90s sitcoms or romcoms that would most definitely have been set in Primrose hill or similar.

Original poster
polkadotworld · 05/08/2021 11:43

@ExpressDelivery I did tell him to stop being so stupid and I didn't appreciate his stupidity and it was rather busy so didn't want to make a scene by swearing etc. I just said I think it's time you go now.

I was also little taken aback and didn't really know what to do say...never been in this position before in my head when you see stuff like this on TV i'm shouting at the TV saying tell him F off but in reality that didn't happen. Disappointed in myself a little for not reacting that way but o well not much I can do about it now.

The important thing is my DH knows how much he is loved and how I feel about the situation. Ex bf is not welcome in our home. I can not force people not to be friends with him that is up to them but the reaction in the last 45 mins has been in support of us. DH is feeling slightly better about things and he himself has said our friends have been put in a tricky situation.

OP posts:
Bumblecattabbybee · 05/08/2021 11:46

Sorry but you don't have the right to undermine your husband's (natural) response to an awful betrayal from a so-called friend. He must be devastated and furious.

SunShinesBrightly · 05/08/2021 11:47

@Aprilx

I am wondering why his earning power comes into this story? I don’t see why it does, but note you mention it and then mention you wish you had more money.

Looking at your thread title again, you think the issue is that your Dah needs to calm down and think? I think you are loving it or have you been watching too much of a certain romcom from 2003.

It could be part of the friendship ‘dynamic’?

Higher earning ‘friend’ feels he has a higher status due to earnings, using it to undermine the OP’s DH?
Flashier car, bigger house, more successful career leading him to (mistakenly) believe that he can steal his friends wife and put his friend down?

Original poster
polkadotworld · 05/08/2021 11:47

To the posters who keep saying things about wealth DH ex bf said about making me do with things ie my car, house etc that was what he was getting at..apologies for not being clear...I hope it is now!!!

OP posts:
HarebrightCedarmoon · 05/08/2021 11:48

I can understand the anger, his best mate was inviting you to betray/leave your DH. Not sure that DH punching his lights out would help, but he might warn him to keep the fuck out of the way from now on.

Original poster
polkadotworld · 05/08/2021 11:49

@Bumblecattabbybee I'm not trying to undermine his right I was just trying to get him to calm down and not do something like hit him! At one point this morning I thought he was actually going to go round and knock him out!

OP posts:
StupidNC · 05/08/2021 11:56

FWIW I don't agree with those who are telling you that it should have been kept a secret - what if your DH had found out about the friend's crush, and then bumped into someone who said 'oh I saw your DW and your BF having coffee' etc. Keeping secrets is not okay for a healthy marriage. Your DH is secure in your love, so I don't see why it's a bad thing to tell him.

Ex BF has some really screwy ideas about women if he thinks he can effectively 'buy' you from your DH though. Gross.

PluggingAway · 05/08/2021 11:57

The friend sounds like a really horrible person. The way he has gone about this and this things he has said to you paint him in a very bad light. He's awful and I really hope that your DH doesn't bother with him anymore. What a dickhead.

As for you... are you enjoying this? It reads a bit like you are. Please be careful.

SunShinesBrightly · 05/08/2021 11:59

@polkadotworld

To the posters who keep saying things about wealth DH ex bf said about making me do with things ie my car, house etc that was what he was getting at..apologies for not being clear...I hope it is now!!!
That’s what I thought you meant. He’s basically saying that your DH doesn’t earn enough to give you what you ‘deserve’. You deserve a high earner like him and you’ll never have to ‘do without’ the flash things in life. Absolute tosser. He thinks it’s all about money.
Original poster
polkadotworld · 05/08/2021 12:01

@StupidNC Exactly

@PluggingAway Not enjoying at all trust me! I do not enjoy seeing my husband upset and angry especially if he is going to hit someone and get himself into a lot of trouble.

OP posts:
Original poster
polkadotworld · 05/08/2021 12:02

@SunShinesBrightly That is exactly it!

OP posts:
SunShinesBrightly · 05/08/2021 12:03

So many men think women can be bought.

Sadly, some women share the opinion that a money is the most important quality in a partner.

He has misjudged and underestimated you both. You and your DH have what his money can’t buy.

Awful little man.

QueeniesCroft · 05/08/2021 12:04

I've had a similar situation, which was made worse by the friend living next door. I told my husband straight away, but a lot of the behaviour was in front of him anyway.

To begin with, my husband wasn't bothered. He trusted me completely, and he'd won by default because he knew I would never betray him. Then the friend got a bit...grabby. I made it very, very clear that this was unwelcome (okay, I punched him). My husband wanted to step in, but I thought I had handled it, and didn't want to make a big fuss.
My husband got a job offshore, and the very first day he was away, the "friend" sexually assaulted me. I managed to get away before it got really ugly, but it was very distressing. I slept with an axe by my bed for a week afterwards.
It took me a few weeks before I told my husband (when he came back , I wasn't going to tell him that over the phone). He was obviously furious, and would probably have killed the neighbour if I'd allowed him to go after him. I let him have his anger and encouraged him to express it, but I also reminded him that this was about me, not him. There had already been enough violence and I didn't want any more, or for our marriage to be tainted by violence. As far as I know, he didn't lay a finger on the neighbour, but he did leave shortly afterwards (the neighbour, not the husband!).

OP, the punchbag sounds like a good idea. Let him work it through. I think you did the right thing in telling him, in case the ex-friend's behaviour escalated (he'd gone from saying nothing, to only when drunk, and now talking to you about it when sober, he could have gone on to either actively undermining your marriage or getting more physical with you).

SunShinesBrightly · 05/08/2021 12:05

[quote polkadotworld]@SunShinesBrightly That is exactly it![/quote]
Tell your DH this.
Let him know what you think of this weaselling little man and his pot of worthless gold.

eightyfourandahalf · 05/08/2021 12:07

You did the right thing The 2nd time was not acceptable.

Sexnotgender · 05/08/2021 12:10

What a weasel!

I think it’s quite sweet how mad your DH is.

You definitely did the right thing by telling him.

Hopefully your friendship group can ditch this loser and carry on.

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