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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to calm down and think.

126 replies

polkadotworld · 05/08/2021 10:21

I've NC as don't want this associating with my other username.

I went for a coffee yesterday and bumped into DH best friend. I was sat on my own at first and there was nowhere else to sit so said he could sit with me.

We got talking and he said he's been wanting to get me on my own for a while. He mentioned an incident a few years ago where he told me he loves me and I should leave DH (xmas party at our house he was drunk at the time and I just laughed it off as he's never mentioned it since and neither have I...I assumed it was drunk talking and he couldn't remember) I didn't say anything to DH as didn't feel it was worth mentioning. DH and I are happily married and DH friend was bestman at our wedding and another friend who is part of the same group said not worth saying anything as he doesn't mean it he was so drunk etc.

We went out as a group a lot (before Covid) DH friend is now single and has been since lockdown. It became awkward as he said he remembers that night well and meant every word. I was bit embarrassed and just said well nothing is going to happen so get that out of your head and stop being silly! He then started going on about how DH takes advantage of me and how unhappy we look and he wouldn't let things just be...he would make me so happy and loved. I honestly was speechless for the first time in my life.

DH friend is very generous and earns a lot more than us...I would love to earn more so we could do more but it's not going to happen and just think we're lucky to still have jobs etc and we're ok financially, will be able to go on a nicer holiday next year due to saving over the pandemic, we've done bits on the house...so all good.

I am annoyed as I don't think DH takes advantage at all and racking my brains as to what the hell he meant. My friend has said she's thought something for a while mainly since the party he likes me due to the way he looks at me etc and there is a photo from our wedding that her friend thought he was the groom. She said she noticed a few weeks ago when we had people over for the first time and he couldn't stop staring etc.

I don't know if it's because we were there for him when he broke up with his partner and he's just blurred the kindness.

I've told DH about the xmas party and the cafe and he says he wants to punch his lights out...what on earth do I do now? I love the friendship group and we've been through a lot together as a group but this is just so awkward and I know it's going to get messy with the DHs Confused my DH was on the phone to his other best man going barmy. Other friend has said he knew about it but didn't want to get involved.

AIBU to ask him just calm it down. I get he's hopping mad and I would be too but breaking a group of friends up over something I have no intention of pursuing isn't worth it. I've said that he is not to be invited to anything that we are doing but we can't control what others do.

OP posts:
Original poster
polkadotworld · 05/08/2021 10:57

@Sarahlou63 Sorry I should have been more clear DH friend well now ex-friend earns a heck of a lot more than us about £120,000 as a single household we're on joint £55,000 household income...DH in the past has been slightly insecure about this in the past but ex-friend has never thrown it in his face. That's why they got on so well. Income has never bothered me obviously I would love to earn more so we DH and I could do more without having to think but wouldn't we all?

OP posts:
RonaldMcDonald · 05/08/2021 11:00

Nothing happened - you have done or said nothing wrong, you were right to tell your DH
It is up to your DH to manage his own emotions
If he needs to speak to his friend, then he should
If he is violent then that is a problem he should deal with and he alone

supermoonrising · 05/08/2021 11:03

You were right to mention it. His “best friend” was clearly no friend at all and he’ll be better off with with that snake out of his life.

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 05/08/2021 11:04

I'm sorry OP, but this kind of situation destroyed a friendship group of mine, I don't think yours can survive either. I can't see how your DH (or you!) can come back from repeated revelations like this from a trusted best friend. If I was you I'd be livid with my DH's friend, he's trying to chuck a grenade into your happy marriage, he's a selfish prick. I also wouldn't be happy if I'd tried to shut down the conversation and he'd thought he could carry on his monologue about the outside perception he has of my marriage, essentially trying to wear me down to his POV. It's shit, but it isn't your fault. If you were in your DH's shoes, wouldn't you be just as angry as him? For me, it'd be end of our friendship forever if my best friend and MOH at my wedding did that.

JustATypo · 05/08/2021 11:04

OP you’ve mentioned the income disparity twice, and although you say you were embarrassed about the (ex) friend’s declaration it reads like you are also a bit tempted despite knowing it would be “wrong”, and are getting into the drama of it all. Did you marry young? Chasing the money worked in Jane Austen’s time. Maybe this event will sow the seeds of a different life for you, because I’m not sure you ARE happily married.

supermoonrising · 05/08/2021 11:05

As for keeping the group, if “the group” has any moral standards at all, none of them will be welcoming dickhead friend to any meet-ups for a good whole anyway. If he was going behind your DH back like that he’ll have no qualms about doing it to anyone else.

proopher · 05/08/2021 11:07

I am annoyed as I don't think DH takes advantage at all and racking my brains as to what the hell he meant.

Stop thinking about this; if you and your husband are both happy he is either lying to her you onside or he has convinced himself of this while obsessing over you.

HollowTalk · 05/08/2021 11:08

In what way does he think your husband takes advantage of you? That's quite worrying really. He's not just saying he's in love with you, but that your husband is using you. I'd want to know why he said that and I'd have a good think about whether it's true or not.

grapewine · 05/08/2021 11:10

In your DH's position, if be really hurt that you wanted to sweep it under the carpet - you're taking friend's side over him.

Sounds like it. Why did you sit there and listen to this if you are happily married. The friend is not a friend. In DH's I'd done the same. What a weasel.

Sparkletastic · 05/08/2021 11:14

It's odd that you focus on how exBF earns more. Are you flattered by his declaration? Tempted by the thought of a financially easier life?

supermoonrising · 05/08/2021 11:15

Why would you give a second thought to the words of a so-called best friend who is trying to destroy his best friends marriage behind his back? If he had made a specific accusation like “he is having an affair with person X” that would be slightly different, though I’d still take it with a pinch of salt seeing as it’s coming from this guy with a clear agenda.

supermoonrising · 05/08/2021 11:16

@Sparkletastic

Yeah, dropping the financial report info into the OP was pretty weird. Wtf has that got to do with anything!?

Jerima · 05/08/2021 11:17

You and this wonderful friendship group have made a fucking mug of your DH you all knew this and kept him in the dark and your priority is not splitting up your friendship group. Grow up!

You've been out of order your friendship group (how childish anyway) have not been good friends and the minute this occured you should have kept your distance then.

Your poor DH, even when he looks at his wedding photos he has that cunt making stupid faces at you in them and as for what he said about your DH That should be enough for you to not want anything to do with him.

I think you're a bit flattered by the situation tbh and the fact that you want to stay friends with people who have treated your DH this way shows its YOU who needs to think not him

ExpressDelivery · 05/08/2021 11:19

That's a very long conversation to sit through if you didn't want to hear it....Why wouldn't you just tell him to stop talking or leave?

Jobsharenightmare · 05/08/2021 11:20

I'd be upset if my husband listened to this whole pitch too.

grapewine · 05/08/2021 11:20

@Jerima

You and this wonderful friendship group have made a fucking mug of your DH you all knew this and kept him in the dark and your priority is not splitting up your friendship group. Grow up!

You've been out of order your friendship group (how childish anyway) have not been good friends and the minute this occured you should have kept your distance then.

Your poor DH, even when he looks at his wedding photos he has that cunt making stupid faces at you in them and as for what he said about your DH That should be enough for you to not want anything to do with him.

I think you're a bit flattered by the situation tbh and the fact that you want to stay friends with people who have treated your DH this way shows its YOU who needs to think not him

All of this, actually. What a mess. You kept it from your DH, and so did his other best man. Who many other friends know?

He must feel like a fool.

ThanksIGotItInMorrisons · 05/08/2021 11:21

I just don’t understand why you told your dh? Sounds like the friend is lonely and like the ‘idea’ of you perhaps? And is a bit fixated due to the loneliness and his closeness with you and dh? You’ve achieved nothing here. The heart wants what the heart wants. I understand why he told you - no one wants to think ‘what if’ on their death bed. If he’s gone all
This time without saying anything or approaching you in any way, then he would probably continue in the same vein. Why did you do this?

grapewine · 05/08/2021 11:21

*how many. Ugh.

Original poster
polkadotworld · 05/08/2021 11:24

@JustATypo I have mentioned it again in response to another poster asking. Nope not married young was in my 30s the group is a mixture of 30s and 40s.

Like I said who wouldn't want to earn more etc? I would love to earn more so DH and I could do more (I earn a lot less that DH) but with the way things are jobs wise I'm just glad we can afford the life we have now. We've seen friends hit rock bottom and lose everything so it puts a reality for me on what truly makes me happy. Being with someone who has money really isn't it.

@OneTC Thank you Thanks

I have just got off the phone to our friend who is getting married she was very understanding and he will not be attending. Her DH to be is also mates and they can't believe it.

Thank god for Argos same day delivery just ordered DH a punchbag which he's liking.

OP posts:
traintraveller · 05/08/2021 11:25

Well what did you expect? If you didn't want him to react you should have kept quiet. I'm not sure why the othe man's earnings are relevant.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 05/08/2021 11:28

Thank god for Argos same day delivery just ordered DH a punchbag which he's liking.
Excellent!

I hope your friend group all back you up and exclude that man.

Inthesameboat2 · 05/08/2021 11:28

I wouldn't have said anything to dh, as all it's done is upset the friendship group and your dh.

I would've dealt with it myself by telling him no chance and don't ever mention it again. I would then just make sure I'm not alone with him again, until he gets the idea, but I wouldn't have ruined a friendship group over it.

I also don't get why you keep mentioning how much he earns, unless you were a bit tempted by the thought of a more lavish lifestyle??

godmum56 · 05/08/2021 11:28

@godmum56

if a woman had said that to my late husband, i would have been after her with a knife!
by which I mean of course "be jolly upset"
ExpressDelivery · 05/08/2021 11:31

I do think you needed to tell DH, you can't keep a secret like that and expect a relationship to be successful. I don't understand why you let the man talk for so long though and it does seem like you've weighed up the fact that he might be a more attractive (richer) prospect than DH.

Original poster
polkadotworld · 05/08/2021 11:32

For those who are saying should have kept quiet. Fair enough, but I didn't think that was right this 2nd time around first time I just thought he was drunk and being stupid as people tend to say stupid things. I certainly trying to make a mug out of my DH.

My friend took that photo so luckily not on our wedding photos and I didn't know about it until yesterday.

No I don't think he was following me it's a local cafe that a lot of us pop in and out of sometimes, meet up etc.

OP posts: