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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to calm down and think.

126 replies

polkadotworld · 05/08/2021 10:21

I've NC as don't want this associating with my other username.

I went for a coffee yesterday and bumped into DH best friend. I was sat on my own at first and there was nowhere else to sit so said he could sit with me.

We got talking and he said he's been wanting to get me on my own for a while. He mentioned an incident a few years ago where he told me he loves me and I should leave DH (xmas party at our house he was drunk at the time and I just laughed it off as he's never mentioned it since and neither have I...I assumed it was drunk talking and he couldn't remember) I didn't say anything to DH as didn't feel it was worth mentioning. DH and I are happily married and DH friend was bestman at our wedding and another friend who is part of the same group said not worth saying anything as he doesn't mean it he was so drunk etc.

We went out as a group a lot (before Covid) DH friend is now single and has been since lockdown. It became awkward as he said he remembers that night well and meant every word. I was bit embarrassed and just said well nothing is going to happen so get that out of your head and stop being silly! He then started going on about how DH takes advantage of me and how unhappy we look and he wouldn't let things just be...he would make me so happy and loved. I honestly was speechless for the first time in my life.

DH friend is very generous and earns a lot more than us...I would love to earn more so we could do more but it's not going to happen and just think we're lucky to still have jobs etc and we're ok financially, will be able to go on a nicer holiday next year due to saving over the pandemic, we've done bits on the house...so all good.

I am annoyed as I don't think DH takes advantage at all and racking my brains as to what the hell he meant. My friend has said she's thought something for a while mainly since the party he likes me due to the way he looks at me etc and there is a photo from our wedding that her friend thought he was the groom. She said she noticed a few weeks ago when we had people over for the first time and he couldn't stop staring etc.

I don't know if it's because we were there for him when he broke up with his partner and he's just blurred the kindness.

I've told DH about the xmas party and the cafe and he says he wants to punch his lights out...what on earth do I do now? I love the friendship group and we've been through a lot together as a group but this is just so awkward and I know it's going to get messy with the DHs Confused my DH was on the phone to his other best man going barmy. Other friend has said he knew about it but didn't want to get involved.

AIBU to ask him just calm it down. I get he's hopping mad and I would be too but breaking a group of friends up over something I have no intention of pursuing isn't worth it. I've said that he is not to be invited to anything that we are doing but we can't control what others do.

OP posts:
Original poster
polkadotworld · 05/08/2021 12:11

@SunShinesBrightly Exactly...I am in love with my DH for him. My parents were poor as church mice but we're happy because they were with the right people and his parents the same.

We just get on with it and save for things or credit card like most people. I'm proud of him he's seen sense that hitting someone is not worth it and just to be angry in the house...he's currently taking tiles off in the bathroom a lot quicker than normal I would rather he channels his anger into that than that idiot's face.

OP posts:
Sexnotgender · 05/08/2021 12:11

That’s awful @QueeniesCroft Flowers

Original poster
polkadotworld · 05/08/2021 12:12

@QueeniesCroft Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
polkadotworld · 05/08/2021 12:14

@QueeniesCroft he absolutely deserved a punch and more!!

OP posts:
SunShinesBrightly · 05/08/2021 12:21

[quote polkadotworld]@SunShinesBrightly Exactly...I am in love with my DH for him. My parents were poor as church mice but we're happy because they were with the right people and his parents the same.

We just get on with it and save for things or credit card like most people. I'm proud of him he's seen sense that hitting someone is not worth it and just to be angry in the house...he's currently taking tiles off in the bathroom a lot quicker than normal I would rather he channels his anger into that than that idiot's face.

[/quote]
As much as this man deserves to be laid out flat, your DH and you should turn it to your advantage.
Feel smug that you both have something worth more than money can buy. (Cliche I know).
If you feel generous pity the man. He’s obviously not very bright.

bowchickawowwoww · 05/08/2021 12:28

Your husbands friend has stepped way past any boundary! He isn't a good friend to your DH so yeah I can see why he is pissed off

EmbarrassingMama · 05/08/2021 12:32

I think your DH is right.

I don't get the bit where you say you would like more money?!

WeAllHaveWings · 05/08/2021 12:32

The important thing is my DH knows how much he is loved and how I feel about the situation.

This now has nothing to do you or your relationship. It is now about your dh and his friendship with this guy and he needs to decide for himself how him deals with that.

Fair enough get him to calm down so he doesn't break the law by hitting the guy, but whatever happens he is going to have to initiate a conversation with this "friend" and let him know his feelings and that should happen before it becomes gossip in the larger friendship group.

thedancingbear · 05/08/2021 12:35

Hmm. Seems highly likely that, if we come back to this one, the DH will be out on his arse.

The OP is:
(a) already talking about how it would be nice to have access to the other feller's money, and
(b) seeking to cast her DH as the bad guy in the situation based on his reaction

It's only going one way, isn't it?

SunShinesBrightly · 05/08/2021 12:38

@thedancingbear

Hmm. Seems highly likely that, if we come back to this one, the DH will be out on his arse.

The OP is:
(a) already talking about how it would be nice to have access to the other feller's money, and
(b) seeking to cast her DH as the bad guy in the situation based on his reaction

It's only going one way, isn't it?

Well if the OP turns out to be easily bought she deserves everything she gets.
EKGEMS · 05/08/2021 12:38

@QueeniesCroft Gosh I'm so sorry you experienced that! Hindsight 20/20 and I wish you had a very large dog who would've taken a giant chunk out of that bastard's ass!

Topseyt · 05/08/2021 12:39

I think you did the right thing telling your DH about this. Far better not to keep secrets.

This wanker totally crossed the line here, and I hope he is now on his way unceremoniously out of the friendship group.

Givemebackmylilo · 05/08/2021 12:39

You keep mentioning money a lot for someone who isn't bothered about it

5475878237NC · 05/08/2021 12:41

You definitely did the right thing telling your husband.

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 05/08/2021 12:42

“ breaking a group of friends up over something I have no intention of pursuing isn't worth it. “

It’s the best man who is breaking up the friendship group here. He’s being selfish. If he really was a best mate he would have swallowed his feelings and moved on years ago.

LibrariesGiveUsPower45321 · 05/08/2021 12:46

@polkadotworld

To the posters who keep saying things about wealth DH ex bf said about making me do with things ie my car, house etc that was what he was getting at..apologies for not being clear...I hope it is now!!!
So he thinks he can buy you with better car better house. What a charmer.
Original poster
polkadotworld · 05/08/2021 12:46

@thedancingbear??? Please read the whole thread instead of making such a silly comment!

@Givemebackmylilo because others have!

@5475878237NC Thank you

@SunShinesBrightly I have no pity for him he's a f**king idiot

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 05/08/2021 12:58

What an idiot who would do that to their bf-and he doesnt know you well at all if he thought money would tempt you away from DH

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 05/08/2021 13:13

There is such a clear difference between the two men, and you are with the right one. Your DH wants to commit violence, but chooses not to because it would upset you. He listens to you and understands what you're saying and takes a course of action that makes you happy, not more unhappy, because his love equates to a mutually caring partnership between you.

The ex-friend on the other hand thinks he loves you but actually just wants to own you. You directly tell him that what he is doing is not what you want and he ignores you. Your happiness is irrelevant to him compared to his own happiness. You are not an autonomous individual with the right to your own opinions. Any poor woman that he does end up in a relationship with will be constantly reminded of how much he spends on her and anything that she wants that doesn't suit him will be a sign that she is poor value for money.

Hopefully all the mutual friends will also see things that way, although I suspect that many of them will prefer to pretend that nothing has happened so that the group can continue on as it is.

OhGiveUp · 05/08/2021 13:18

I don't understand why you didn't shut him down as soon as he started to mention feelings etc.
You could have just stood up and walked away.
Admit it op, you were flattered and now you're enjoying the drama of it, despite your protestations.

Original poster
polkadotworld · 05/08/2021 13:18

DH other friend has just popped round to say sorry he didn't want to get involved. In his last friendship group he told his wife who told her friend his mate was cheating and it caused a whole heap of issues and he could not do right for wrong.

DH can see where he was coming from so their both now in the bathroom ripping tiles off the wall.

OP posts:
NewlyGranny · 05/08/2021 13:26

OP, you did the right thing ignoring it first time around because it could have been drunken ramblings, and the right thing again telling DH this time because it was a sober, daylight conversation and he was so unpleasant about his friend and so insistent!

Let DH work off his anger on the old tiles (I hope they were meant to come off?!) and then let him steer his own course through these stormy seas.

I think it will be the end of their friendship - it has to be! - and if there is gossip in the friendship group, your own best course is to stay aloof, I think, and not gossip yourself or be drawn into telling a retelling the story.

"It was most uncomfortable and I don't want to re-live it," is your best line. Don't let friends turn you into a soap opera for their own entertainment!

Mrsmadevans · 05/08/2021 13:26

I think you did the right thing in telling your Dh OP. It could have caused a lot more trouble if you hadn't. As for the friendship l am afraid it is not salvable imho. I don't see how it would be possible to keep him in your friendship circle knowing he has the hots for you! It is time for him to move on l'm afraid . I am wondering if he has made a move on any of the other wives in your circle TBH Hmm

lottiegarbanzo · 05/08/2021 13:29

What on earth did that paragraph about your finances have to do with anything? It was as if someone had wandered in and posted on the wrong thread.

The idea that your DH takes advantage of you (the only possible connection I can see to that para) is more likely to be to do with your time, care and effort, than money.

Anyway, you decide whether you want to stay with your DH. Proceed from there.

YouShouldLeave · 05/08/2021 13:47

Is this really a real story?
And you all are late 30’s to 40’s?
And in the last 24 hours your husband was ready for murder and multiple friends have been involved in this nonsense?
I just don’t believe it, this sounds like plot from really crappy highschool drama that holds no bearing to real life.