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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think OH is a miserable git

128 replies

Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 15:52

OH is off work tonight. We didn't go the weekly food shop on Monday as we usually do because we were busy with DSC due to a last minute change in his exes schedule which he jumped to accommodate - so no food in for tea today. We shop at LIDL so no online delivery.

Rather than going to the supermarket for dinner supplies I suggested we go out for a meal, me him and our DC. I suggested two pubs nearby with nice menus. I said I'd pay.

He couldn't have come across more inconvenienced, gave multiple excuses before admitting that it's too much effort and he can't be bothered Confused

I'm a bit annoyed that he always gets to dictate what we do and think he's spoiled what could have been a nice evening. AIBU?

OP posts:
MyriadeOfThings · 04/08/2021 18:48

If he is that exhausted, then he needs to go and see his GP.
What does he say to that?

Original poster
Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 18:48

@Feedingthebirds1

The truth hurts doesn't it.

It does, but now you're going to have to face your own truth. He has no intention of changing, and if you push him he's just going to get nasty.

Maybe today is the day the penny drops for you and you see just what you've (unwittingly) signed up for. This may well be the beginning of the end, and it's time to sign out.

That is exactly what happened.

I said I wanted to talk about the issue as a whole and not just him not wanting to go out today.

Whatever I said he made excuses about then when I said that's not right and debunked those excuses he got visibly upset, animated and started shouting at me to the extent his voice broke.

I didn't say he doesn't deserve his children at all, I asked why he wanted to have so many if he doesn't actually want to do anything with them. He twisted that to paint me in a bad light.

He has now taken the kids to the shop down the road to get something for our tea, so not the park, he got them all hyped up for nothing but still wanted to take them to the shop to make a statement.

I had to remove myself to go to the bathroom as I didn't want the kids to see me cry.

I can't continue with this.

OP posts:
MyriadeOfThings · 04/08/2021 18:49

I have to say, I’m wondering how he would cope if you separated and he had to actually juggle his 5 dcs together…

Original poster
Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 18:50

@MyriadeOfThings

If he is that exhausted, then he needs to go and see his GP. What does he say to that?
He point blank refuses to go to the GP about anything. He hasn't been once since I met him. His head would have to be hanging off.
OP posts:
Original poster
Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 18:51

@CoffeeBeansGalore

You mentioned his dc are coming at the weekend. Time for you to do a shop on your own & (gasp) leave all of HIS children with him. Get a taxi if the shop is not walking distance & take your time. Turn your phone off & go for a coffee & cake first. Enjoy the shop, pick out some of your favourite food as well as the usual essentials. Taxi home again.

When you get home, put away if you want. If not dump it in the kitchen & announce you are exhausted so he needs to put away. Plonk yourself on the sofa & put your feet up. If he starts whingeing you left all the kids with him, get up & go out again.

Time for him to find out how tiring parenting alone is, and how much he should appreciate you.

That sounds like heaven to be honest. I should have done that a long time ago.
OP posts:
Original poster
Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 18:52

@MyriadeOfThings

I have to say, I’m wondering how he would cope if you separated and he had to actually juggle his 5 dcs together…
I don't think he would.

He wouldn't have them all at the same time If he was on his own, there would be some excuse as to why he couldn't.

He would probably cite lack of space at his dad's because that's where he'd end up if we split up and I told him to leave.

OP posts:
everythingbackbutyou · 04/08/2021 19:01

The more you update the more he sounds like my exh. Look up covert narcissism and see if it resonates with you.

Original poster
Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 19:02

@everythingbackbutyou

The more you update the more he sounds like my exh. Look up covert narcissism and see if it resonates with you.
Thank you I will now.
OP posts:
Janaih · 04/08/2021 19:06

I know a few lazy arse night shift workers in real life. They get out of doing bedtimes, peace and quiet to sleep in daytimes while kids are at nursery/school and other parent to do bulk of parenting and life admin at weekends.
I've left out the sex of each parent in these examples but you can guess which one is which, can't you!

Original poster
Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 19:12

@Janaih

I know a few lazy arse night shift workers in real life. They get out of doing bedtimes, peace and quiet to sleep in daytimes while kids are at nursery/school and other parent to do bulk of parenting and life admin at weekends. I've left out the sex of each parent in these examples but you can guess which one is which, can't you!
Yep!

He thinks that he can't possibly be lazy in any area of his life as the fact he works a night shift shows just how much he "busts his arse" as a person.

He may well work hard when he's there, I'm sure he does, but if that's where all of his motivation and energy is spent what good is that to me and the 5 kids?

Plenty of people work hard and still manage to do things with their kids.

If the job isn't compatible with family life you need to change the job. It's not a niche field he would be able to get something similar elsewhere, during the day.

He just doesn't want to change his job because then he won't have night work to use as an excuse to check out of everything else.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/08/2021 19:13

As soon as we became a family all that changed and suddenly he can no longer be arsed to do anything because it's too much effort.

All that changed because what you saw as becoming a family, he saw as finding a default parent because you have a vagina and he doesn't. Men like him are pathetic. Happy to father FIVE children as long as there's always a responsible woman available to do the tough bits and pick up the slack.

Why have kids then?! Ugh.

Because he assumes he can opt in and out of the bits of parenting he likes and doesn't like.

Please don't waste your life trying to chivvy along such a selfish prick.

His kids are his kids. He can't be arsed with them. He can't be bothered to make life nicer and more interesting and fun for them. Or for you, the woman he I assume claims to love.

What a fucking loser. You sound lovely. Stop letting him take advantage, raise your bar and move on from this fool. Ugh he sounds awful!

Erwhatno · 04/08/2021 19:15

Good luck op

DysmalRadius · 04/08/2021 19:17

That sounds wonderful in theory, I just can't quite believe I'll get the same degree of co-parenting that his ex gets from him because he won't have a woman there to muck in.

Wouldn't it be awesome if you and his ex could co-parent together? You could juggle the five between you both, cut the lazy bellend out of the equation and actually have an awesome life!

Seriously though - if he's going to moan that you're being unkind, tell him to think about what life would be like for his kids if they had two parents like him vs two parents like you or even his ex? Can he honestly say that they would be better off?

Original poster
Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 19:19

Thank you ladies. I think it's time I started thinking of the future, without him in it. Fucking hell what an eye opening argument.

He's back from the shop with my favourite chocolates. This is him brushing over the argument and expecting me to forget about it too.

Not happening.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 19:21

Wouldn't it be awesome if you and his ex could co-parent together? You could juggle the five between you both, cut the lazy bellend out of the equation and actually have an awesome life

Ha that would be pretty awesome indeed, though not much chance of it happening as he's done a good job of pitching us against one another so we don't get on nor speak.

Over time I have come to see that she's actually a pretty nice person, and a good mum, but the damage is already done.

OP posts:
MotherofTerriers · 04/08/2021 19:31

I bet he pitched you against each other so that he could blame things on his ex without you realising

MareofBeasttown · 04/08/2021 19:42

There are just too many children in this equation. I feel tired just reading about them. Imagine how much less tired you would be if you only had 2, the 2 that you are actually responsible for.

30degreesandmeltinghere · 04/08/2021 20:16

My exh had dc to 2 exes... Eyes opened to his rubbish parenting I decided I def wouldn't be having any with him! He switched on /off with effort with mine. Fine not his dc.. But his lack of responsibility to anything started to hit home. He got a decent job after years of no job (health issue genuinely).. His job his wage apparently.. Straw that broke us and I threw him out. He resented the fiver a week his exes shared when he was on The Dole also.
He soon moved in with a woman with 2 x dc... He wants to play a df role without actually having any responsibility...

Original poster
Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 20:45

Do you think there are any women who'd take him on with 5? Because if not I had better kiss goodbye to any child free nights because I can't see any happening if we split. Only half joking.

OP posts:
BluebellsGreenbells · 04/08/2021 20:46

It’s about time court orders reflected time spent with the co-parent and not co tiny ally farmed out

billy1966 · 04/08/2021 23:16

OP,

You come across as a bright lively woman who was utterly taken in by a lazy, selfish waster.

You are far to good for him and to settle for what sounds like a really miserable life.

Let this be the day that you finally see him clearly and make plans for a better future for you and your children.
Flowers

Original poster
Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 23:26

Thank you, that's very kind. I'm certainly having a wake up call albeit 5 years too bloody late.

He came back from the shop with chocolates for me, cooked a full fry up then ran me a bath with candles. It all sounds so lovely written down but not once did he try to resolve the issue, no communication, he just turned everything back on me, got angry and shouted at me then tried to act as though none of it happened. Crazy making. I didn't raise my voice to him once I was just expressing myself in a normal tone

We have barely spoken since and tomorrow he'll expect us to carry on like we hadn't rowed.

There will be no closure and no putting it to bed and if i want to revisit the subject to put it to bed he'll view that as me continuing the argument.

The only thing he will have taken from this today is that I've been horrid to him by asking him why he had so many children if he can't be arsed to do anything with them.

You betcha he will throw that back in my face again the next time we have a disagreement.

What a shitty life eh.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 04/08/2021 23:26

I hope your weekend of going out and doing things is like lifting a load! When he protests you say ‘they are all your children. What do you plan to do when I leave to find someone willing to make an effort, never see them again?’

Feedingthebirds1 · 04/08/2021 23:57

He came back from the shop with chocolates for me, cooked a full fry up then ran me a bath with candles. It all sounds so lovely written down but not once did he try to resolve the issue, no communication, he just turned everything back on me, got angry and shouted at me then tried to act as though none of it happened.

But today is the day you've seen what he's really like, and you're not going to fall for candles and chocolate.

billy1966 · 06/08/2021 19:17

I think you just need to show him by your actions, rather than words.

Leave him to it with all the children and leave him specifically with his 3.

Perhaps look at going to visit some family and start doing the math as to how you might manage alone.

He put on a show for you, it was all a facade.

You deserve better.
It really is that simple.
Stop doing anything for his children.
You have enough with your two.
Flowers