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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think OH is a miserable git

128 replies

Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 15:52

OH is off work tonight. We didn't go the weekly food shop on Monday as we usually do because we were busy with DSC due to a last minute change in his exes schedule which he jumped to accommodate - so no food in for tea today. We shop at LIDL so no online delivery.

Rather than going to the supermarket for dinner supplies I suggested we go out for a meal, me him and our DC. I suggested two pubs nearby with nice menus. I said I'd pay.

He couldn't have come across more inconvenienced, gave multiple excuses before admitting that it's too much effort and he can't be bothered Confused

I'm a bit annoyed that he always gets to dictate what we do and think he's spoiled what could have been a nice evening. AIBU?

OP posts:
NowEvenBetter · 04/08/2021 17:45

He’s just a boyfriend, dump him. Who’s house are you living in?

Types like this will have a replacement —maid— girlfriend lined up within a month or two, and impregnated within the year.

NowEvenBetter · 04/08/2021 17:45

(Whose)

BluebellsGreenbells · 04/08/2021 17:53

It’s so much easier to make the effort and let the kids do something as they enjoy and wear them out so you get a bit of peace during the day/evening

It’s basic parenting

Original poster
Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 17:54

Private rented place in my name.

I've just told him exactly what I think of his "can't be bothered" approach to doing anything with the children, it came out as a bit of a rant because I've been getting increasingly fed up of it.

He looks visibly upset/sad now but after having an excuse for every example I've given where he has done something like this he refuses to give me an actual explanation as to why he is the way he is.

No doubt I'm the bad one now for being so blunt / mean.

OP posts:
Terhou · 04/08/2021 17:59

Goodness. My DB is no angel, but he regularly goes out with some or all of his three stepchildren and two own children (who are under 2) - either with his wife or on his own. He just takes it for granted that was what came with the territory of marrying someone with children already. As a result he has a great relationship with all of them, if anything a better relationship than the one between the stepchildren and their own father.

Unless your OH is able and willing to be a parent, it sounds like you'd be better off without him.

Original poster
Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 18:01

Excuses he gave when I referenced multiple occasions when he just doesn't want to go out and do anything with the kids..

Money (we're not skint, we absolutely can afford days out)

The time it takes to get the kids ready and out the house (I reminded him that when we started dating and had no kids it would take me a leisurely two hours to get ready and that didn't stop us going anywhere)

His work (so why can't we do things when he's not working then?!)

The pram is awkward (what about parents of multiples or young kids, do they all make theirs stay at home)

Excuses after excuses, and when debunked he just goes quiet like I'm attacking him and being unreasonable.

He's now making a point of taking the kids to the park, now, and we still haven't got any food in for dinner. This is him making a stand "SEE I DO GO OUT WITH THE KIDS!"

I lost my meal out mojo when the argument started.

OP posts:
HestersSamplerofCarrots · 04/08/2021 18:04

@Chickpea1434

Private rented place in my name.

I've just told him exactly what I think of his "can't be bothered" approach to doing anything with the children, it came out as a bit of a rant because I've been getting increasingly fed up of it.

He looks visibly upset/sad now but after having an excuse for every example I've given where he has done something like this he refuses to give me an actual explanation as to why he is the way he is.

No doubt I'm the bad one now for being so blunt / mean.

Oh diddums. I have zero sympathy for him.

He needs to get off his arse and stop being bloody useless.

Put your hard face on and care as little for his sadness as he cares for yours and his kids’.

If he comes whining tell him to bugger off til he can pull his finger out and muck in the way he’s supposed to.

M4J4 · 04/08/2021 18:10

That sounds wonderful in theory, I just can't quite believe I'll get the same degree of co-parenting that his ex gets from him because he won't have a woman there to muck in.

But at least you won't be co-parenting his DC when they're there too!

mumjustmum · 04/08/2021 18:12

Go without him and the miserable sod can make himself some toast. Enjoy your meal

mumjustmum · 04/08/2021 18:15

The pram is a faff!? Tell him to try going out with three under three and a dog when I'm on my own. Clue.... I still manage it.
Just seen your update. Perfect, if he's out with the kids, I assume he's thought about dinner at this late stage, so grab your book and get yourself to the pub

onelittlefrog · 04/08/2021 18:17

Generally he's not somebody who likes going out and doing much. He's a homebody

Some people are. Honestly he might be a bit lazy but you also sound a bit intense so you are both pulling in different directions. You need to find a happy medium here.

Maybe he needs a bit more notice if you want to go out and do things. With 5 kids you do have a big family - they outnumber you by more than double, and I'm not surprised that he feels it's a lot having all 5 of them on his own. I would too.

I think you need to plan things in rather than expecting him to jump up spontaneously whenever you suggest something.

If he still doesn't want to do things that are planned e.g. for the weekend/ when you are both off, that would be a bit unreasonable and lazy.

But a random spontaneous weeknight meal out, I wouldn't blame him tbh.

everythingbackbutyou · 04/08/2021 18:18

I see them everywhere these days, but your oh is coming across a tad narcissistic, especially the whole 'sad face when called on my behaviour thing'. My ex had a lot of similarities with what you are describing, especially the behaviour at the start of the relationship and the going out having fun being replaced by the tiny world you describe as your current situation. Mine was utterly incapable/unwilling to take care of his 3 dc on his own at any point. I instigated a separation/divorce a couple of years ago. He is marrying my replacement in the next few months. Even with her in the picture, the time he spends with my youngest two dc is pitiful and minimal.

Original poster
Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 18:19

Now he's just gone off on one, raising his voice and said it's all because he's tired.

I said change your work then, it's not compatible with having kids.

Then came the excuses again..

"It's what I've done for years"

"I'll lose too much money on days"

"I can't just change jobs"

OP posts:
Floogal · 04/08/2021 18:19

He might be depressed. Also, a lot of people are still Reluctant to go out, especially to inside spaces because of COVID anxiety (myself included).

bluebeck · 04/08/2021 18:21

Honestly, cut him loose.

It sounds like your life would be so much better without him. Flowers

KatherineJaneway · 04/08/2021 18:21

OP face it, he wants to sit at home on his arse and do sweet FA. He is a lazy so and so.

Original poster
Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 18:22

you also sound a bit intense

If I do its because, as PP pointed out, my life has become so small and I'm frustrated.

I get that having all 5 out at once can be tricky, but I'm having this issue with him when it comes down to just our 2 kids too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 18:25

He pointed out that he does the nursery run with DS two days a week, yes he does but who's looking after DD while he does that?.

Who looks after the pair of them when he's 1) sleeping and 2) working? Me.

I'm a bit Confused that he tried to throw that back in my face. It's like saying that every parent that does the school run has no obligation to do anything else but the school run isn't it.

What a life children would have if all mum's kept them cooped up indoors because they do the school runs

It's all just a load of bollocks really isn't it. I've had enough.

OP posts:
MotherofTerriers · 04/08/2021 18:26

Leave, OP, you'll have two children to look after, and so much more fun
He knows he's annoyed you so he'll make a half-hearted effort for a few days then go back to how he likes things. He made an effort when you first met or you wouldn't have stayed with him, he thinks you're stuck now
Show him you aren't
You deserve a better life than this

Clangerschick1 · 04/08/2021 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Original poster
Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 18:28

I'm making plans with a friend to go for a Mexican meal on Friday. Bollocks to him.

OP posts:
Terhou · 04/08/2021 18:29

He pointed out that he does the nursery run with DS two days a week, yes he does but who's looking after DD while he does that?

Would I be right in thinking you do the nursery run 3 days a week? By his logic that definitely leaves him with more responsibility to compensate.

Original poster
Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 18:33

I'm not happy no, I'm pretty miserable truth be told Sad

I feel duped. This is not what I signed up for and I would never have had children with somebody like this if he showed his hand early on. 5 years I have wasted.

He has always worked nights ever since we met and that didn't stop us having a life before. He probably only did those things then to get me hooked.

He's only throwing that out there now "ITS BECAUSE IM EXHAUSTED" because all other excuses fell flat. I have asked him so many times if being tired is the reason he never wants to do anything.

He went off on one saying I'm implying he's a lazy bastard that doesn't deserve children and how he's going to take that to heart now and he won't forget it.

So now I'm the bad one, I've said hurtful things.

I haven't once lied though. Everything I said was the truth. Every example I gave him of how he is constantly refusing to do anything is based on fact and first hand experiences.

The truth hurts doesn't it.

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 04/08/2021 18:41

The truth hurts doesn't it.

It does, but now you're going to have to face your own truth. He has no intention of changing, and if you push him he's just going to get nasty.

Maybe today is the day the penny drops for you and you see just what you've (unwittingly) signed up for. This may well be the beginning of the end, and it's time to sign out.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 04/08/2021 18:42

You mentioned his dc are coming at the weekend. Time for you to do a shop on your own & (gasp) leave all of HIS children with him. Get a taxi if the shop is not walking distance & take your time. Turn your phone off & go for a coffee & cake first. Enjoy the shop, pick out some of your favourite food as well as the usual essentials. Taxi home again.

When you get home, put away if you want. If not dump it in the kitchen & announce you are exhausted so he needs to put away. Plonk yourself on the sofa & put your feet up. If he starts whingeing you left all the kids with him, get up & go out again.

Time for him to find out how tiring parenting alone is, and how much he should appreciate you.

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