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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think OH is a miserable git

128 replies

Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 15:52

OH is off work tonight. We didn't go the weekly food shop on Monday as we usually do because we were busy with DSC due to a last minute change in his exes schedule which he jumped to accommodate - so no food in for tea today. We shop at LIDL so no online delivery.

Rather than going to the supermarket for dinner supplies I suggested we go out for a meal, me him and our DC. I suggested two pubs nearby with nice menus. I said I'd pay.

He couldn't have come across more inconvenienced, gave multiple excuses before admitting that it's too much effort and he can't be bothered

I'm a bit annoyed that he always gets to dictate what we do and think he's spoiled what could have been a nice evening. AIBU?

OP posts:

iklboo · 04/08/2021 16:09

I presume you were well aware of how useless he was with his first 3 children before you had 2 more with this complete dink?

And the most obvious helpful post award goes to...

Ninkanink · 04/08/2021 16:10

Oh no I didn’t mean to sound critical of what you said - I just feel strongly that by the time a man has 5 children he’s had enough chances to be asked nicely whether he wants to step up. Mind you I’m possibly not the best person so advise because I honestly would be asking myself what’s the point of him.

Faranth · 04/08/2021 16:10

I would probably one last ditch attempt say, please can you make an effort to come it would mean a huge amount to ME.

In reality, I'd probably do this too. But I'd then spend the whole time wishing I hadn't as he'll spend the whole time sitting there making it clear he'd rather be anywhere else. The DC would play up more too because of the weird atmosphere.

I say just go OP. Bright and breezy, we'll see you later then, let's go for a treat kids, and out the door you go.

And next time the DSC are at yours I'd not be killing myself to entertain them. Not in a mean way, but take your smaller ones to the park / shops / see your DP's or something.

Ninkanink · 04/08/2021 16:11

@Chickpea1434 do you never take the children anywhere over access weekends then??

Original poster

Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 16:17

[quote Ninkanink]@Chickpea1434 do you never take the children anywhere over access weekends then??[/quote]
Do you mean do I take my two anywhere or do we take all 5 places?

We did swimming together this weekend but that was a rarity and was to benefit his ex more than anybody else.

Once in a blue moon we will go to the park with all 5, but again it's rare.

Usually the DSC stays consist of sitting indoors and watching older DSC play video games (because he's bored shitless otherwise)

If I want to go out and do my own thing he asks if I can do it another day as he'll be a bit overwhelmed on his own with all 5. If I suggest I take the younger 2 he thinks I'm trying to get away from DSC.

He works nights so when he's off all he wants to do is relax indoors and it's bloody boring.

OP posts:

Ninkanink · 04/08/2021 16:21

Yes I meant are you, and the children, basically stuck inside all the time when all 5 are there...

Poor you!

billy1966 · 04/08/2021 16:26

What a life you have chosen OP.

You have HIS children EVERY weekend?

Is this really what you grew up wanting?

Children with a waster.

Clearly he picked you for your au pair/skivvy skills.

Start leaving him with all 5 and really think is this ALL you want from life?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/08/2021 16:30

If I suggest I take the younger 2 he thinks I'm trying to get away from DSC. He means he knows he can't be arsed to look after his own kids.

Take your 2 out and leave him to bond with his own! Tell him you are being nice, leaving him with such precious family binding time and then fuck off out fast, for hours!

Ponoka7 · 04/08/2021 16:30

How many nights a week does he work and what hours? Is he lazy, or tired? I wouldn't fancy going out for food with a 2 and 3.5 year old tbh. How difficult is his eldest if he can't game?

Howshouldibehave · 04/08/2021 16:31

He's happy for me to sacrifice my whole weekend and Monday helping him with DSC though as it wouldn't be fair to leave him with all 5, which is reasonable I suppose, but there's no give and take is there?

Then don’t and tell him why.

OrchestraOfWankery · 04/08/2021 16:31

Wow he's made your life very small hasn't he?

Lysianthus · 04/08/2021 16:34

Leave him with his two toddlers and go out on your own! Take a book. More entertaining than your partner.

Original poster

Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 16:36

I have found myself thinking the same thing, is this what I wanted from life.

DSC are happy to go out, the youngest might have a little moan that he'd rather sit indoors (like his dad!) but they're always happy enough when out.

My two love being outdoors and going places.

Is he tired or lazy? Honestly, probably a combination of the two if I'm being very generous.

Generally he's not somebody who likes going out and doing much. He's a homebody.

During the early days we would be out everywhere. Museums, restaurants, parks, cinema, zoo, bicycle rides around the city.

As soon as we became a family all that changed and suddenly he can no longer be arsed to do anything because it's too much effort.

Why have kids then?! Ugh.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 16:37

@Ponoka7

How many nights a week does he work and what hours? Is he lazy, or tired? I wouldn't fancy going out for food with a 2 and 3.5 year old tbh. How difficult is his eldest if he can't game?

4 nights per week

10pm - 8am

OP posts:

justasking111 · 04/08/2021 16:37

Go without him in future. And when he has his kids also go out

Original poster

Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 16:38

@justasking111

Go without him in future. And when he has his kids also go out

I have just told him that's what I'll be doing. He hasn't responded. He knows I'm annoyed but will be betting on me forgetting about it by tomorrow. He'll see.

OP posts:

Confusedandshaken · 04/08/2021 16:40

DH worked very long hours with a lot of client entertaining so eating out held no appeal for him. If I'd waited for DH to fancy going out I would have forgotten what the inside of a restaurant looks like. I used to take DC to local pub/Harvester/Pizza Express at least once a week. Then at least once a week somewhere similar with mates. And weekends away with same mates. Just because he was tired and wanted to stay in didn't mean me giving up my social life.

He is semi-retired now and has actually asked to come along with me and now adult DC tonight. They won't believe their eyes when their dad walks in.

YouJustDoYou · 04/08/2021 16:41

Jesus Christ, what is he, 12? He shouldn't have had so many children if he's so completely incompetent he's unable to look after them. So fucking pathetic. So many men get away with this excuse and leave the mother/step mother to do all the parenting.

Ninkanink · 04/08/2021 16:42

Can he change jobs? Night shift really does mess you up.

YouJustDoYou · 04/08/2021 16:43

I should add my dh pre-covid was gone for days with work and then slept when home, sometimes got a bit funny when I'd just take all the kids our without him but I just said "we're not waiting around for you, they need to be out", and we'd all just go out without him.

BlowDryRat · 04/08/2021 16:44

That sounds desperately boring for all concerned (except your H, obviously). A large part of being a parent consists of doing things that you find boring and/or tiring, with a smile to make sure that the DC have an interesting, happy childhood. He doesn't get to opt out on everyone's behalf.

LostThings · 04/08/2021 16:44

All things considered yes, he is a miserable git. And worse. Sorry OP.

vivainsomnia · 04/08/2021 16:46

To be fair, the idea of going out to eat mid-week after a long day at work, with two under 4, likely tired by the time we go and then having to rush and put them to bed when they are still hyper wouldn't fill me with great excitement either.

Plan something for the weekend instead.

BSideBaby · 04/08/2021 16:47

I'm a bit annoyed that he always gets to dictate what we do

So don't let him?

Original poster

Chickpea1434 · 04/08/2021 16:52

His job doesn't include any client entertaining and he doesn't go to restaurants at all these days so for most people in his position it would probably hold some appeal.

He has no interest in changing jobs or enquiring to see whether swapping to day shift is an option. He's happy for his life to rumble on as it is.

I absolutely would not have settled down with him if this is what he was like in the beginning. We used to have such a fun time. Even after our DC1 came along we would be at family festivals, sight seeing, different events.

The longer we've been together the more comfortable he has got and no longer makes any effort whatsoever.

He will cite "no childcare" as the reason we don't have date nights and can't be arsed to do anything involving the kids.

So yes PP you're spot on. He has made my life very small.

The irony is he used to say that DSC never got to go anywhere and made out it was due to his ex not wanting to go anywhere. I recognise that as total bollocks now and it was him projecting. His ex has multiple activities planned for DSC coming up. He hasn't. I bet she has never felt so bloody free.

OP posts:

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