Struggling to be happy where I live.

[CeceJoyce]

Long story, first time ever posting at the age of 42 and two teenage kids so please bear with me.

So I am from the north, I moved to London around 21 years ago to be with my husband (he grew up here). I struggled to settle here coming from a very supportive home up north. I’d say I had varying amounts of depression over the years as I struggled to make friends or find a decent job. We married and had children quickly which I rushed into thinking I’d feel more settled but I think it made me feel a bit stuck here. Missing my family and the support I would have gotten (I’m from a very big family, DH barely has any).

So anyway a long story short I’ve suddenly felt this real pull to move north to be nearer my family, to have a bigger house by the sea, very close to the city so best of both worlds. We’d be mortgage free and able to give my children deposits for their own homes (not possible in London they’ll prob be renting forever!) my husband runs his own successful business from home and though he’d miss London was happy to go seeing as I’ve lived here over 20 years now.

Here’s the thing though my youngest dc won’t even consider a move, aged 15 so GCSEs next year so I’d never consider a move right now. But they say they never want to move, not even when they finish college (3 years from now). I said I want to move closer to my family and they say if I move I’ll be taking all their family away from them. Of course this is true and dc is a lovely child but I feel resentful. I feel like all of our lives could be better with a move but they won’t consider it now and if I move when they’re older then they’re right I’ll be a few hundred miles from my children and poss future grandchildren which is what my own parents are going through with us being so far away.

I’m struggling to cope with the realisation the move won’t ever happen. I suddenly feel like I hate where I live, that I don’t feel connected to many people here, the rush hours, the lack of family. I’ve felt numb for a few weeks now and if it’s not ever going to happen I don’t know how to get myself out of this negative mindset. It’s starting to affect my family which I’m not doing intentionally I just feel like I’ve always put everyone else first and I just thought I might get this one thing for me (also dh and eldest dc we’re fine about the move).

I guess I need some friendly Mumsnet virtual hugs to get me to get over myself and stop hating where I live…

Once your kid goes to University or into the world of work their living arrangements will change and they’ll end up places they never expected. They have no idea of the life to come!! You should definitely not be held to your current house for the rest of your life because your 15 year old doesn’t want you to move

Your life, you only have one. Move North next Summer when you DC has finished GCSE's if they don't like it they can choose a London Uni in 2 years after A Levels. They will have 2 years to settle in 6th form college. They will soon forget London. Honestly after living here my entire life I would love to move North but have elderly parents locally. I'm envious you have the option

@Peace43
Thank you for replying. I had thought about that but I think the longer we stay they will make even more local friends. My eldest is going to a local university and their girlfriend is at uni not too far from here too. So though they say they’re happy to move I think once they’re at uni making new friends and settling into their career they won’t want to move. Youngest can be quite shy so I think they’d also go to a local university. Again making friends and settling here.
I know obviously that’s not set in stone but it feels the likely outcome. They both love living here so they’re not going to feel inclined to follow us north. I see how much my parents miss me and my children and I don’t want the same for me, to be 300 miles from mine.

Your youngest is 15. Once they are 18, they'll be off doing their own thing, whether that's uni or work or whatever. You are absolutely not tied to London forever. Your children won't be living with you forever.

So even if you don't move next year, in a couple more years the move just gets easier.

If they want to stay in London, that's okay. That's their life. And you'll always be able to be a part of it, you don't need to live in the same city for that.

Wait until your youngest has finished college, then go.
Tell then now so that they have a couple of years notice.

@AdultingAvoidance
Thank you. I do always put my children first and they’re not brats by any measure. In fact I actually understand as I would have been devastated if my parents made a move when I was 15/16. Leaving behind everything I know, so if I’m honest they feels exactly as I would have. I think I just feel in limbo. Waiting a few years to see what may or may not happen. I feel so unsettled now.

Is there any chance you could downsize in London and buy a small place up North for weekends/holidays until the big move ?

Can you start to make connections- like regular trips/ holidays, so that your child feels linked to the place a bit, and it's familiar?

Can you downsize and buy a London flat and a northern flat?

@DinosaurDiana
I did try that. I said finish GCSEs and they’re desperate to go to a particular college (it’s a very good one and it has the specific courses they wants) so I said I’d hold off until then but they have been in bits. So much so that I can’t even talk about it. Even if they hear me having a conversation with someone about a move 3-5 years in the future they get all upset. They’re a Sensitive soul. I just wonder how ill feel if I wait until they are both older and doing their own thing and they decide to stay. How would I actually feel about moving. I’d be closer to my parents, siblings and cousins (I have a lot!!) but I’d be really far from my children, their partners and grandchildren.

You’re all being so lovely and helpful. Thank you

Do GCSE then move. They can do a levels r new school or college

I would tell him that you are moving when he has finished college. No discussion, it’s a fact.
You cannot be held hostage by your child.

We are planning to move and so is a friend, both have DC going into year 13 and older ones, both families have been planning for a few years- time soon passes.

All the DC involved are doing their own thing. One staying in a flat here, 2 have gone to university and between here and there and the younger 2 are now fairly accepting as can see that life changes and things move on.

There has been an element of feeling in limbo but time soon passes.

@Keepitonthedownlow
To be honest I don’t think I’d like that. We have a very small 3 bed (was actually 2 bed we had done building work done to make it into a 3). It’s worth around £500k. When I look at houses where I’d like to live I’m Looking at 4 bed detached, lots of space for entertaining. For people to stay over etc.
I think I just had a few months of imagining lovely big home. Mortgage free. By the sea. Near my family. Deposits for my kids homes. Beautiful coastal area. Close to the city. It’s hard to let it go…I’m impatient I guess and feeling a little breathless/panicky almost that this is it for me. I’m stuck Here forever! Unreasonable thinking I know.

You aren’t stuck, you’ve got a 3 year plan.

@FoolsAssassin
Thank you. In my trainable mind I'm like they’re 15, they have no idea of how they’ll feel in the future to give it time. Maybe i’m struggling more with the lack of control. I could move absolutely but would I want to if they stay (I’d want to in every other aspect as it all makes sense just not being far from them).
I saw their face as they said ‘if you move I’ll be here all on my own’ it’s genuine sadness from them. Not trying to hold me ransom.
I suppose if I waited until after they finish college it would likely be several years before they had children but obviously if we move north we couldn’t afford to move back south in the future.

Why would you not move? When your child is 18, you live where you choose. They don’t have a say! You have no idea where they’ll be. They may move abroad or a different part of the UK anyway.

@DinosaurDiana
I said to my dh yesterday that I can’t see it happening. I think though he’s said he’s happy to go I’m sure he’d rather stay. I feel like everyone’s happiness is based on my decision to move..

If both you and DH are on board, it WILL happen.
I would allow DC to finish GCSEs and college (compromise) which will give you three years to plan, look, decide exactly where you want to be. Spend holiday time looking around up there while visiting relatives and then get your house on the market in year 3.

The time will fly by and you can have fun doing the research knowing that it is going to happen.

@FrownedUpon
My eldest is almost 18 and I can’t imagine leaving now. Still so much growing up to do, akso going to local uni so will be living at home, I’d feel awful to force them to move out and get in more debt so I could move north… I wish I’d thought of this when they were really little!

OP,
Start looking at your finances and see if a small 3 bed flat is a possibility and a smaller, more modest home up north.

This would give you a base up North but a home to return to and where your children have a solid base for University.

I think after 21 years it is not unreasonable to want to change things when you have never really settled.

I think being prepared to compromise on the accommodation will be worth it to have two homes to split your time between.

Three years isnt that long, is it? I'd just wait until your 15 y.o. finishes A levels.

I think it is a bit unrealistic to expect a temperamental teenager to feel positive about moving to the other end of the country, away from friends and social life etc. They are much more likely to have some perspective when their own life expands and they are making choices about going to university or getting a job.

I would personally just plan to spend holidays up North for the next three years, and quietly plan to relocate once your youngest has finished secondary education.

I have always lived in the north and so have most of my friends, most of their children have moved south, a so their grandchildren are far away, or even in other countries. I don't think hanging on , living somewhere you are not happy, will help.

@DotBall
I guess it’s something to work towards…
I hate not knowing for sure. I feel the last 21 years I’ve never made a decision for what I want, the guilt is crushing!!
I already know the area quite well as growing up near there and I made the mistake of following hashtags on Insta for the area and see these beautiful interesting pictures all the time!
Maybe lockdown just made me reassess what I want! Living in London doesn’t seem to be it.