Struggling to be happy where I live.

[CeceJoyce]

Long story, first time ever posting at the age of 42 and two teenage kids so please bear with me.

So I am from the north, I moved to London around 21 years ago to be with my husband (he grew up here). I struggled to settle here coming from a very supportive home up north. I’d say I had varying amounts of depression over the years as I struggled to make friends or find a decent job. We married and had children quickly which I rushed into thinking I’d feel more settled but I think it made me feel a bit stuck here. Missing my family and the support I would have gotten (I’m from a very big family, DH barely has any).

So anyway a long story short I’ve suddenly felt this real pull to move north to be nearer my family, to have a bigger house by the sea, very close to the city so best of both worlds. We’d be mortgage free and able to give my children deposits for their own homes (not possible in London they’ll prob be renting forever!) my husband runs his own successful business from home and though he’d miss London was happy to go seeing as I’ve lived here over 20 years now.

Here’s the thing though my youngest dc won’t even consider a move, aged 15 so GCSEs next year so I’d never consider a move right now. But they say they never want to move, not even when they finish college (3 years from now). I said I want to move closer to my family and they say if I move I’ll be taking all their family away from them. Of course this is true and dc is a lovely child but I feel resentful. I feel like all of our lives could be better with a move but they won’t consider it now and if I move when they’re older then they’re right I’ll be a few hundred miles from my children and poss future grandchildren which is what my own parents are going through with us being so far away.

I’m struggling to cope with the realisation the move won’t ever happen. I suddenly feel like I hate where I live, that I don’t feel connected to many people here, the rush hours, the lack of family. I’ve felt numb for a few weeks now and if it’s not ever going to happen I don’t know how to get myself out of this negative mindset. It’s starting to affect my family which I’m not doing intentionally I just feel like I’ve always put everyone else first and I just thought I might get this one thing for me (also dh and eldest dc we’re fine about the move).

I guess I need some friendly Mumsnet virtual hugs to get me to get over myself and stop hating where I live…

I would wait until the youngest is 18 if at all possible. Downsizing in London and having a flat up north sounds like a good compromise - because once you get off the property ladder in London, it might be hard to get back on - even if you rent it out when you are up north, you have the option of somewhere central if your kids decide to stay in/around London (though I guess there is the extra hassle/cost of renting out, estate agents etc). Even if they decide to move in different directions - London is a convenient meeting place.

The situation is that you've raised little Londoners . It is their favourite place, even if it's not yours.

So you should move to wherever you want once the GCSEs are over. They may end up staying in London or moving to Australia - who knows?! But you can't spend their lives wanting them to move or visit all the time, even if they've got children. My in-laws drove us mad doing that but wouldn't relocate.

I know a couple who felt the same about Ireland and spent their whole lives planning the escape. The teens moved with them but never fully settled and returned for university/their first joba. Then the parents returned to England as they couldn't bear to be away from them, particularly as they knew the area well and had some friends. I
Being close to the kids was worth more in the end.

So maybe the answer is to move, keep a London flat and be prepared to visit a lot.

You deserve to be happy OP. How old are your family back home?
It would easily take me three years of planning to get organised for a big move! Set a date and work towards it. Your dc will have plenty of time then to get used to the idea

Make a plan to move in 3 years. You youngest can go to uni wherever he decides, local or not he can get a loan for accommodation and pay it back when he graduates just like everyone else. Once he actually gets to uni you would hardly see him anyway (he will be busy making friends, with his course) but having sacrificed your desire to go home you may feel resentful or unfulfilled.

One thing I would do is take regular holidays to the area you would like to move to and keep an eye on house prices. Remember when you are up there for holidays it is a novelty so family members may make time to see you, when you are there all the time they might not visit so much. Some people can end up 10 minutes away from parents but still not see them once a week. Would you be wanting to move back to the area you come from or somewhere else up north? Have you factored in that if you live closer to parents there may be an expectation around care so you would be effectively swapping responsibilities and not be as 'free' as you want? Also you might well only see your own children sporadically but that could happen anyway.

Of course you and your husband should move once your children have finished secondary education, if you want! But of course your children won’t follow you as they aren’t from there. You can always move back to be close to them and potential grandchildren later though - nothing is set in stone.

Are you sure you would be happy there. Your motivations sound great but living near the sea isn't going to necessarily make your life happy. People do. Do you have real friends there? Making your family miserable isn't going to make you happy either so think carefully. There's no real rush . You could wait a few years until they flee the nest... why the hurry. Are you doing a geographical? The fact you feel SO strongly about not going indicates that this might be historic and not really about the move per se.

Oh just read on. As a diagnosed ADHD I get it. Stop and reflect. You've focussed on this as THE solution. But it's not binary. You can move but take your time. You're in the obsession...

@NOTANUM @leakymcleakleak

You would think I’d raised Londoners but honestly my youngest especially is made for rural living (not that where I want to move to is rural it’s not)
. Daydreams about living in a little cottage in a village (I’d hate that, too quiet). My kids aren’t what some would consider typical teens. Pretty studious. They Don’t drink (we’re open about it so they aren’t lying) they’re really creative. They Don’t like parties, don’t have big friendship groups. They like art, stuff like kayaking, tree trekking, paddle boarding, camping (we do these things on holiday). I used to take them into London all the time when they were little and there’s things they likes such as museums, musicals, shopping but that’s not really just in London.
Where I want to move to is close to a big city it’s not the sort of place where you’re not accepted if you’re not local (I’ve heard this happens in places like Cornwall).
Their cousins are so like them it’s crazy. They have such a laugh together but I wouldn’t even think of them as their friends, I’d 100% be encouraging them to make their own friends.

@onefortheroad74
Thank you! Yes I definitely get the obsession part. It’s me all over. But in every way this seems like the better move.
Youngest only has a few friends and doesn’t see them that much. quite a homebody really.
Oldest is the same (also adhd) so struggles to maintain friendships.

I’m def not in a rush to do it this year I think my issue is wondering if it will happen at all…
I haven’t been 100% happy in all the time I’ve lived here so that’s not sudden.
Lockdown made me reassess what I want, A different pace of life.
And a big thing is being financially secure. I can’t see how my kids will be able to sustain a comfortable life here when the average 2 bed costs around £450k..

@Sceptre86
Thank you for replying. I definitely know everyone makes a fuss when we go home and makes an effort to see us but as a lot of my family are there they see each other a lot and I’d be part of that. My parents are very early 60’s and I have two siblings so it would never be my sole role to take care of them.

I’m sorry but I think you’re unreasonable “this one thing for me” it’s an absolutely massive thing, you chose to move to London, you chose to raise your children there, and there’s no reason you can’t move when they go to uni, it’s only two years later than you would have anyway.

It’s not a one time offer. You can make th decision in a couple of years. Being sullen round the house can be viewed as manipulative. You made your child’s life there.

I thought I’d never want to move (Surrey) and as DC are still living at home because they can’t afford to rent their own places, I got the impression that they also wouldn’t want to move away. However, now the youngest is settled in a reasonable job, they’ve realised that they’ll be unlikely to afford to own a home around here, and are now looking at moving North to establish their lives and get on the property ladder. I suspect that once the oldest is similarly settled in a job and earning, they will have the same thoughts - then DH and me can decide whether to stay or go elsewhere. They are, however, considerably older than your unwilling DC, and if I were in the same position as you, I’d definitely wait until their education is over completely before moving away...

You have a very catastrophising way of looking at things. You aren’t stuck, you never were, you stayed because leaving was never a priority. Here you are 20 years later and still making moving conditional. You’re emotionally stuck, not physically.

Make a plan 3 year plan and execute it. You are where you are because you’ve always made choices that didn’t include moving.

When my Ex threatened me with legal action if I moved back to the London, I had to make peace with staying in the Netherlands. That included letting go of a mindset that I was missing out on something, which would have impeded my enjoyment of where I was (if you can’t be in the place you love, love the place your live. 20 years later and I’m still here and I could have moved back years ago but didn’t because it never was a priority and now I’m settled (well sort of, if the opportunity to move to Singapore came up, I’d be off like a shot).

Your children don’t owe you, for you it’s moving back, for them it’s, moving to a place not of their choosing. Visiting somewhere a couple times a year is not the same as living there and you are unreasonable in thinking that they should want the same things.

Honestly you're thinking way too far ahead - you're assuming that your children will definitely live in London all their lives and definitely have children. None of that may happen.

Once your children are 18 you need to focus on what's best for you. Reading between the lines it looks as if you are too tied to them and asumming that you'll continue to be very involved in their lives as they grow older. That may not be the case - how would it feel if they move away and you end up being the one stuck in London alone?

@Bluntness100
I didn’t intend to move now I was basically saying I was feeling unsettled and wondering if it was a possibility to move in the future or to give up on the idea. I may be an adult but I’m allowed to process my feelings. I allow my children to be mad, upset, quiet when processing things and I allow this time for myself too. I am not sullen and ruining our family lives. I have told my youngest we won’t talk about it anymore to save their hurt abs worries. I don’t feel I am manipulating anyone, if I was doing that I’d tell them we all are moving regardless of what they want because I want it. I put my family first every step of the way, I akways have. Even a move would benefit them all greatly. One of my main reasons to move would be ensuring they could afford a deposit for a home of their own by freeing up some of our own money to give to them. We have so many friends in their late 30’s still renting because they just can’t get a mortgage (even with normal decent pays jobs). I want more for my two. I’m trying to see the bigger picture.

@N4ish
You’re right. I’ve only ever worked part time and do spend a fair bit of time with them generally. We’re very close which I guess is one of the reasons my youngest is struggling so much with the idea of me and dh not being close by.

I totally understand they will have busy lives of their own soon enough. Eldest recently got a g/f so they are not often here anymore. I want them to be independent of me. Maybe I’m having a mid life crisis realising what’s left for me here when my 2 DCs have their own lives!

And a big thing is being financially secure. I can’t see how my kids will be able to sustain a comfortable life here when the average 2 bed costs around £450k..

But people do it clearly or no one would live in London....maybe your kids will be earning huge salaries in tech or in the city. Maybe they meet a partner who is, or who has family money or so on.

Maybe they move to another part of London. Or decide to live in a commune in Sweden.

It will be their life - they will be adults. They don't need you to decide for them now what is best for them in their adult life.

When they are adults, decide what financial support you can offer them and give it to them - they decide what to do with it. Don't obsess that it would be better/more sensible if they spent it on a deposit for 3 bed new build on an A road in the north east near you. Maybe they want to spend it on a down payment for a tiny studio in Melbourne, Australia. Or a smallholding in Wales.
It will be their life.

Your 15 year old clearly doesn't feel the same way about living by their cousins as you do. Stop thinking he is wrong to feel like that - he is not you.

Let him finish sixth form without banging on about it to him. Then you do what is best for you and your kids live their adult lives deciding what's best for them.

Agree with @leakymcleakleak - that it's quite a specific desire and will need some recalibration if it's to become a reality. The big four-bed full house with all the kids there, the cousins all being best mates, and the guests coming over etc is beyond your control and feels like something that would have been much more viable 10 or more years ago. However untypical your DC are (and a lot more kids seem to be non-drinking homebodies these days), they will still be moving out and forging their own lives in the next few years. In London it makes sense to live at home for uni because of the costs, but that isn't the only point of uni and once you move away, it makes sense that they'll live where their uni is, wherever that may be, and live with friends, then partners and where their work is. Their time with you is coming to a natural close soon and so planning this move with the idea that they'll be around you and settle near you is storing up more regret for the future. Which doesn't mean you shouldn't move, but that you should move because you'd be happy (as happy as anyone can be - there's always ups and downs) with you and DH up north, near your family and the sea, and that's about as much as you can reasonably bank on. No one knows where your DC - or their DC, if they have them - will end up, and if you're going to be gutted to not live near future GC, then maybe on balance you'd be better off staying put. Again though, you can only really know your own mind and plan accordingly.

My parents/extended family all live up north in a place I love, but both me and my brother and our children live in London. I often long to go back but am happy here (unlike you, I did always want to come here) and my DC are very much from here. The younger may move to the country as he's a bit like you describe yours. I won't move away but when they've moved out and me and DH are older, we'll find a way to spend more time up north. I often gaze at little Yorkshire flats on Rightmove. But that's the only way it'd work for us I think. There's no world in which what I want could mean moving the whole family to a new place long-term. That's really only possible when DC are little and it wasn't right for us then so I'm at peace with it.

I hope you can find a way to make it work for you, if not for your whole family right now. You don't have to feel stuck or unhappy. Just to adjust your expectations to something more achievable.

Funny thing is all throughout their childhood they wished they lived nearer my family, they love the place.
So for everyone thinking I’m unreasonable for expecting them to move it’s honestly been something they’ve wanted themselves in the past and I always said I didn’t think so. Dh wouldn’t have wanted to a few years ago as he was establishing his business. It also took us time to get a mortgage and be financially stable so moving earlier wasn’t an option.

When I asked my youngest what they thought about moving they originally were up for it and started getting excited so I did too, it felt like a real possibility. I think then reality hit and they changed their mind.

*both me and my brother and our children live in London

with our partners - me and my brother don't have children!

@Pinkdelight3

I think maybe I’ve said things the wrong way. I don’t actually expect my kids to want to move north with me in the future when I know they will have their own lives. I totally understand they will have their own plans, desires. Dreams etc. My problem isn’t so much whether they come (I don’t think they will) it’s more understanding how I will feel living far away from them if they stay in London. Trying to understand how to make that kind of decision. Also my youngest feeling sad about us moving away. I think I just wanted to get closer to a decision I’m happy with.

@Pinkdelight3

That's totally understandable that as children they fantasised about it. Heck, I even thought it was what I wanted several times, before I went to view houses and got cold feet. It's a big change and much bigger for them than you, being from there. It's a shame your DH wasn't able to make the move years ago, but I think you have to own that choice as a family and accept that they know their own minds now. If you still want to go when the youngest goes to uni, then that's the time to make it happen. But do it because it's what you want for your and DH. Not for the bucolic fantasy or the DCs' house deposits or anything that might not work out the way you want.

Three of our five have moved North for jobs and affordable homes, if the 18 year old gets his grades next week he is joining the forces. Next spring we plan to move nearer the 3 that have moved North. Two years might seem like a long time now, but it really isn’t, and you are more than 20 years younger than me. Wait a bit longer, let them finish college.

I am from the North originally so I do understand your feelings.

Our kids are the same kind of ages as yours. We moved house when one had graduated, one was at Uni and one was in 6th form, albeit a much, much smaller move than yours, across the city, not the country.

They didn’t love the idea but… they are adults, they won’t be with us forever (our eldest now has moved in with his GF),it’s a new stage in life for us, it’s worked out fine.

Now may not be the right time for you to move but soon may be. Grandchildren might not come for 20 years, or never!

We deliberately didn’t downsize because we wanted them to always be welcome. If you’re able to upsize by moving from London, you could provide an amazing bolt hole for them in the future. The way that feel at 15 won’t be the way they feel at 20 or 25.

You deserve to be happy too.